Is it possible I'm such a slacker? I guess so.
Friday we went to have the techie ultrasound done at Yale. The technician was so fabulous it was unbelievable. Bear took the day off from work and now we're both glad. We saw the baby tumbling around, shaking its ass, kicking its legs, drinking, peeing, sucking its thumb, waving its hands and generally moving all over the place to avoid being captured on film. There are my genes at work! Bear and I were just staring at the overhead monitor, speechless. Utterly speechless.
Then she explained what they were looking for and measuring. There is a sack of fluid and if it's too big, it is a sign of chromosomal abnormalities. Our baby's neck is as slender and sack free as its father. Bear has the neck of a swan-about a mile long. Blissfully.
So, I finally feel comfortable being pregnant. I no longer worry that my body is cooking up some horrible payback for having thwarted the reproductive process in the past. I have been scared and anxious for just over 2 months and it has ben exhausting. Everyone I told (with the exception of YOU!) that I am pregnant I wondered if I'd have to untell them in person or would a tearstained phonecall suffice?
I'm a worrier. I grew up receiving the worst of all outcomes but managing to stay on my feet. I had a horrifying childhood and all the 'fun' I had in my 20's trying to kill myself with insane choices is a blur that I'm unsure how I survived. No substance problems. No depression. No quirky need to harm myself or others. I came out of the war ok.
And I'm going to be a fantastic mother. There.