inordinately saddened

He's gone. Got the news while watching one of the zillion repeats to which I am committed. I cried through the whole thing. I'm so sad. I wonder if it would be too strange for me to attend his funeral. Bear thinks so. Oh well.

Goodnight good sir. May your next adventure treat you well.

i'm shallow

I told myself she needed a little break.

I told myself her head is looking amazing these days.

I told myself she's been sleeping on her left side of her head in the car and maybe it would be good for it to be just flat against her carseat.

I told myself that no hats would fit, even though it was warm enough today to go from the car to the building without one; which is what we did.

I told myself if I put the reindeer horns on her she'd need the hat so they didn't scratch her head AND that they would slip off the plastic.

I told myself that Bear is trying to get established in the pecking order at his new company and maybe Rio's 'condition' would become something that people whisper about.

I told myself that these were the reasons I left her helmet at home to go to Bear's work party.

I told myself it's not because I'm embarrassed. So why do I feel so ashamed of myself today?


Just like that, it's over. Tonight I laid Rio in her crib and she curled up onto her left side and fell asleep. You know, on the side she refuses to acknowledge even exists. The side that is only present in an alternate universe...she's sleeping on it right this very second. *sigh*

I will still have to continue with the stretching and PT because there have been physical ramifications from looking only to the right for so long, but I remain hopeful. Months of arguing with her and stretching her neck and curling her in a sideways ball and playing 'look at me jingling balls and blowing whistles and squeaking toys on your left side!!!' have paid off. *sigh*

AND we went for a head check today and she's made improvement there, as well. They have a model of her head from the casting and its on a stick which is more than a little creepy but we could really see where her head is changing. Thank the universe we're having some success. I hadn't realized how crooked her little noggin really was....

On a funny note, the therapist who Rio sees at Cranial Tech has that super thick hair. She also has some kinda objectionable highlights but whatever. Her stylist committed a very common and amateurish sin of leaving a long strand that comes from behind the ear. So, she has a bob with a wisp. I noticed it 2 appointments ago but now that I'm a mother I'm in training to not embarrass my daughter all the time so I'm practicing now because, frankly, it's going to take a lot of behavioral modification so I'm needing the headstart. Anyway, she said something about it today.

tech: (curling hair behind ear and pulling on her errant tail) Look at this silly thing!

me: Yeah, I noticed.

tech: You did?

me: Yup, 2 appointments ago. If you get me the office scissor I can fix it for you.

tech: OMG! Thanks!

She leaves the person training with her standing there and goes to get scissors. Bear is with us (more on that in a bit) so he tells the trainee that she'll be lucky enough to deal with super cute babies like Rio. Then he holds Rio up about 2 feet from her face and Rio lets out THE LOUDEST BELCH!!!

Tech returns with scissor and I fix up the spot and resist the urge to blend her layers, as well....

:: snow day ::

Bear did not pack the car last night as I recommended. He also did not set the alarm for a reasonable hour that he would likely get out of bed for, as I recommended. Instead, the alarm went off at 4am, 4:30 and 5:00. He called in snowbound at 7. I truly hate it when he does that and he does it often. So, I suggested he pack the car after Rio's appointment and head out before it gets dark. It is almost 8pm and he's in his office dinking around on the net. He'll SAY he's doing important stuff, but he's fibbing.

:: witness ::

We went shopping on Sunday. Madness. I did witness a few nice things.

* While waiting for Bear to pick up something in Circuit City I saw a great old yellow lab in the front seat of a big SUV. He was chill, just looking around. Had one of those great faces, all white with age. His 'dad' came out, a portly man of around 50 and the dog got into the driver's seat, all tag wags and smiles. The man stood outside his car with the door open so the dog could properly kiss his whole face before he made the dogger move over. Then he continued to pat the smiling dog on his head. Sweet.

*Bear was wanting to go into Starbucks and a car was coming out of a spot in their crazy small, crazy busy lot. He could see that another car around the corner was there first so he didn't just zip into the spot. Car one pulled out, car two pulled forward and Bear waved him on. He continued past the spot and smiled and waved. Guess he was on the way out anyway...

The rest of the day was the usual pushing, shoving, cutting in line, yelling at children disaster that you might expect.


Rio, on her side, arm outstretched with her fingers gently laid on my arm, baby fingers doing a slow dance. I lean over her and rub my nose on her cheek which makes her smile, and her eyes softly and slowly close, open, close. Jack is curled up at her feet, touching against her to keep her toes warm. Hobbes is curled opposite Jack, they are like seashells that have gathered the warmth of the sun on the beach; now they share that warmth. I tuck my toes into the V between the dogs. Rio's sweet baby breath whispers across my face. We all doze off.

just a few quick things

:: Starbucks ::

Actually got behind one of those people who ordered a, lemme see if I can get it right, a 'half caf skinny cap no foam'.

What is the fun of a cappucino without the foam?

:: potty mouth ::

I've decided, after a short review of my blog, to say 'feckin' in place of 'fucking' in just about everyother cocksucking sentence. I have a feeling Rio is going to be in trouble when she hits kindergarten.....

:: my friends ::

Best on the planet. You all know who you are. How on earth did I get so feckin' blessed?

:: friday ::

Supposedly that's the day we close on the house in Massachusetts. Pretty exciting stuff. Bear wants us to sleep there on Friday night. We have no furniture, no refrigerator and a baby and 2 dogs. I pointed this out and he said, "So, do you wanna?"

Gotta love that guy.

:: speaking of loving that guy ::

He is staying with my Baby Brother. BB can work my nerves like no one on the planet but I also love him like crazy and he doesn't do it too often...

Bear is staying with him. They watch a variety of cartoons every night until it's time for Bear to go to bed. BB typically stays up til 2 am... BB gets up every morning at 6 to make coffee and breakfast for my darling husband. AND he has a gourmet meal on the table for him when he gets home. Last night was a scallop and shrimp casserole. I fear he's getting spoiled and mentioned that.

bear: Don't worry. He lives close now. I'm sure he'll come over to cook.

Yeah. My first staff member. His Christmas bonus could be great.....

november 22nd

I should write this out first and edit it and make sure it makes sense but I don't think that's going to happen. I really need to get this just plain out of my system. Looking at the pictures causes my chest to tighten up but writing it out always helps....

On November 22nd we took Rio to Cranial Technologies to have her head cast. First there were pictures from all angles and she looked left, right, and up with little prodding. The pictures were perfect. Then came the casting.

First the really lovely woman put a stocking over Rio's head and cut a mouth hole for her to breathe and scream out of. It was a little high so I had to keep pulling it down so it was lined up with her mouth. She was howling.

Then the tech applied strips of plaster of paris over my baby's forehead, over the top of her head, around the sides and across her back of her head. Bear had to hold Rio's arms down at her sides. Bear said to take pictures because if we did ever want to see it and hadn't taken pictures, there would be no turning back. So I snapped.

I had flashes of the prisoners trotted out on Iraqi television with the bags over their heads, helpless. My heart wrenched out of my body in about a million different directions. I was hot, cold, scared, furious and shaken to the core. I wondered what the hell I had done to her that her head wasn't perfect. Did I sleep too much on the one side I had been told to? Did I get improper nutrients that made her head softer than usual, not resilient?

Could I have done anything differently to have avoided this torture for my child?

I bawled like an idiot through the whole procedure. It takes ten minutes to cast although it feels as if a solid piece of my soul was chipped away in those minutes. I couldn't think about it for days afterward and have been prone to tears regarding this whole situation. I know Rio doesn't know what's going on, really, and intellectually I know I haven't done anything 'wrong' but my first lesson in parental helplessness really sucks.

Monday we pick up her 'band'. I still don't know how I feel about it.