fantasy new year resolutions

If there were no repercussions, so pretend I'm Paris Hilton or someone equally as privileged/fake/in talks with the devil for my eternal soul, these would be my resolutions. My real ones will be well intentioned, unattainable, posted tomorrow, and broken by Ground Hog Day*.

1. introduce Rio to White Russians. they have calcium and pretty much guarantee a nap every day.

2. never let one cupcake get past me. not one.

3. only wear really high heels every day. if that means i can't stand for long periods, so be it.

4. hack into Bear's 401 and invest in my fake business.

5. liquidate Rio's school fund and finally get the giant lips I secretly covet.

6. set-up a website where people can pay me to live green and minimize their carbon footprint but i'll take the money and really live like/with Britney Spears Federline Spears.

7. totally sign up for Kentwood foster care and jostle to the front of the line so i get Jamie Lynn's babe when it hits the system in the spring.

8. throw the dishes out the window into the yard after every meal.

9. eat McDonalds griddle cakes or whatever they're called ... the fake pancakes with fake eggs and fake sausage and the whole thing oozes fake syrup. it may not sound so great the way i say it, but Artie from the Stern Show described it in a way that made me want one and it's stuck in my brain still!

10. hmm, the last fantasy resolution....hmm, well, it would have to do with Keanu Reeves, the high heels and the fake syrup, but the end product hasn't come to me yet. gimme time. gimme time.

*Ground Hog Day is our anniversary. I swear. We don't give much thought to anything, if you want to know the truth :)


Will said...

These seem like awesome resolutions especially the first one. My father used to do something similar to me but you probably could have guessed as much.

Menchuvian Candidate said...

1 and 2 I'm totally up for, but I don't think I' can stretch to #9, even in jest-it's just too scary. Perhaps we could compromise with IA/Fresh Pepper:

Anonymous said...

oh. my. God.

i have a fantasy *quite* similar to your #10. except it involves peanut butter and keanu reeves.


Anonymous said...

i love #8 and i want to take it for my own. groundshogs day happens to be my birthday. it's a good day.