John Edwards looks you straight in the eye

File this under: you learn something every day.

I've always wondered at the political commercials where the candidate is showed from this angle, then that angle, up, down, all around. I've always found the commercials a bit vertiginous but now I understand it.

John Edwards did a commercial with a head-on shot. Solid, looking straight at you, head-on shot. Only thing? He's got a googley eye stare going on. Freaky. Doesn't everyone see it?!

I need a job as a political advisor. Can you see it? [wavy dream sequence...]

Edwards camp. Roomful of honchos. Lots of Brooks Brothers shirtsleeves rolled up. Whiteboards, crumpled papers, lots of stuff on walls with big circles. Busy place ...

honcho 1: We need something totally out of the box.

honcho 2: Do you think we could get Obama to agree to a boxing match?

honcho 3: How about crossing out all the 'n's on Clinton's posters? Again?

h1: No, and no. Now that we have to claim commercials, I think we should shake up the status quo.

h3: Porn angle?

[everyone stares at h3, wondering again why he seems so familiar]

h1: I've got it! We'll shoot a commercial and have him look right into the camera!

[h2 - h47 all murmuring 'Brilliant! Inspired! Emmy material!']

[make-up, prep - don't blink and look sincere, $400 from petty cash for a haircut, and we're rolling!]

h1: Gather around and behold my brilliant moment!

[everyone watches intently. more protestations of the brilliance!]

me: Um, felllllas. Anyone else notice he looks, well, a little slow?

h3: I thought you were here to pour coffee.

h1: Jorge, for the 483 billionth time, she represents the common man!

h3: Shoot, I don't think she's a man!

me: Seriously though. He's doing such a great job reading that his eyes only move enough to be disconcerting.

h3: I think his eyes looks [sic] fine!

h1: Commoner, for the jillionth time it's ground breaking! Epic! Brilliant!

me: Maybe those commercials are done a certain way for a reason...

h3: Woman, you're a man of reason. Lissen to the men-folk and, ah, I'll have a coffee regular. Got any fritters? Or, what, how do you say that in Mexican...

me: You pay me to give you the impression of someone who is not blinded by payola. Not an insider. Not a moron. I'm telling you, he looks crazy! Ask any 'normal' person! Scary, low IQ, crazy ...

[wavy dream sequence ends]

So, where should I send my resume?


mrkoury said...

You are way too talented.

I had to join in on the fun.

P.s.-that's a picture of my Grandma doing a Jell-o shot. She's a diabetic.

Busy_Woman said...

Fantastic! (Imagine that with a midwest accent for full effect.)

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