laptop = visor

laptop = visor

If my laptop ends up a permanent fixture in my forehead, it's because I can now watch television AND watch another streaming tv show on my laptop. I think Bear's going to blow a gasket.

It's only a matter of time before I end up on the side of the road with my laptop on my hip and a sign that says, "Will work for batteries."

pants and a plumb bob

pants and a plumb bob

It's totally random around here.

This morning so far ...

me: Rio! Where are your pants?
rio: Beats me! Maybe in the bathroom?
me: Well, go put them on.
rio: That's okay Mommy. My butt is still warm!

Bear wanders downstairs

bear: Rio? Pants?
rio: Tell Mommy.
bear: ...

***

bear: I think I need a blog.
me: You totally should do one. I'd read it!
bear: Yeah, today I'd write about how I hung a plumb* bob.
me: Um, nevermind.
bear blows nose loudly
rio: Why you did blow your nose?
bear: To get to the other side.
rio: ...

***

So, we're going to put more stuff in the dumpster Bear had delivered last week and try to find Rio's pants. Can you top that?!

*I'm guessing the plumb I used is the correct tool-type one and he's not planning to hang fruit from the ceiling?! Of course, one never knows....

ola, super readers!

ola, super readers!

In the pre-holiday crunch, I told my MIL to NOT NOT NOT go bananas. 'She's three,' I said, 'wrap up a few cans of playdoh. She'll be thrilled!'. That's what I told her. That and, 'If you want to do something fun, she loves the Super Readers - especially Whyatt. Maybe make her a cape or mask?' and again, admonished her to NOT NOT NOT go bananas

She went bananas.

ho ho ho #6 and why the writers should STAY ON STRIKE!

ho ho ho #6 and why the writers should STAY ON STRIKE!

I got my new laptop. Bear surprised me with it. He's a rockstar sometimes.

:)

I did take a few pix of things I made, and will get around to posting them when I have time to go upstairs to my office to download the pictures because my new computer is a total snob and won't even look at my camera and it's all, "Psha! Like I have drivers for Miss So-Last-Year!?!" ... but I digress.

I got my new laptop. Which comes with Vista. And a trial copy of Office. So, I bought Office. I know, I know, I could have pirated it but I am stupidly A) uncomfortable with that and B) unable to do so.

Now, I was on Amazon which I grossly under-use to the point where every single time I *do* place an order I have to do a password retrieval ... but anyway. I got Office and I got a book that was recommended by a bunch of people. One guy said it was so great that he originally got it for a reference but ended up reading it from cover to cover. I hope he's not an asshat, because his love is what made me buy the book.

Now, here's what I find interesting and why I suddenly, clearly, and viscerally get what she's talking about. [note: I always just like reading her and her husband cuz they're funny and interesting, but she's a WGA writer on strike and I've learned a bunch about that corner of the world and I guess it's really sinking in...]

Where the hell was I? Oh yeah! So, I buy this book, and pay for it and get entered to win a giftcard for $500. Yay me! After checkout I get a message that, for 5 bucks I can read my book right this second! The whole thing! On my computer! And I can write all over the damn thing virtually! OMG I'm so excited I click YES! Take all my money! I want things noooooooooooooooooooow!

And still, almost unbelievably, I have not YET REACHED THE POINT! I see my book and I can also 'see' other peoples' lists of stuff they've bought! I guess it's the equivalent of being in Barnes and Noble and noticing someone else buy a book that you were looking at and then, when they checkout, you get to rifle through their bag, and their order history, to see what else they like. Cuz maybe you'll like it, too. Or maybe you'll just have all the ammo you need to fully steal their lives to the point where you could fool their MOTHER that yes, it's really me/her!

And still! Not the point! I go down a wormhole and see that Jenny bought the Office book and she buys a ton of other stuff and she bought House and Chuck and I love those shows and I click the Chuck and BAM! The point. I can buy the pilot of Chuck for $1.99. Right there. To watch on my computer. All quiet like. And suddenly, I get it. The 'other outlets' problem. The ways that the talents and sweat and long hours and dedication of relatively modestly paid writers are being sold, and resold, and resold again in brand new ways. And it's unfair. It is. I get it.

Now, how can we help? That, I don't know. But I am now aware. Oh, and hooked on Amazon. Those two things.

Happy happy and merry merry and joyous joyous to you and yours!

Feliz Navidad y Próspero Año Nuevo

Feliz Navidad y Próspero Año Nuevo

My first encounter this day:

me: Good morning, my love!

rio: Good morning to YOU, my loooooooooooooove!

Does it get better? I don't think so. Cheers!

ho ho ho #5

ho ho ho #5

My mother has called 3 times today. I haven't answered. She has managed to completely erase the memory of her dangerous behavior when last we battled. I mean, had dinner. She owes me 14 million apologies and the latest transgression has served to bust the dam. Oh, and she also didn't send even a card so I am following her long lead of neglect and I'm neglecting to play her mind games anymore.

Wish I felt stronger about all this, instead of just feeling like a shmuck.

***

I chose all the gifts for under my excellent white tree. I put colored bows: red for Rio, blue for Bear, white for Uncle Marky, and gold pour moi! It was mellow and nice and fun and she's just heading for bed and we had a fantastic day. We had brunch with one of my best friends and her wife and her wife's family and it was great. Really great. Delicious food, wonderful company, loads and loads of love.

Christmas Eve has been fine. Good, even. I'm feeling very hopeful about this holiday season. I sure as shit feel like I've gotten my crazy-head-shrinking-money's worth.

***

Tomorrow our plans are - nada. Yay us!

ho ho ho #4

ho ho ho #4

Wow. I totally can't sleep. I wonder if it's holiday cheer or the fact that I'm consumed with guilt. Hmm. So, 2am randomness.

***

Ooo! I am watching Access Hollywood and they just showed a bunch of people falling down on the catwalk. I find it hilarious when people fall.

I'm going to hell, right?

***

Does Posh Spice have teeth? Seriously, she looks silly with her whole "I refuse to smile" thing. She's up there with the other Spice Chuckle-heads who are grinning like baboons while Posh is all, "I can't believe stepping on a rusty nail and ignoring it actually gives you lock jaw." Furthermore, I don't get it about her husband. I don't find him appealing. Am I weird?!

***

I"m going to feel like hell in less than 5 hours when my wild ride starts all over again. Good news? While I've been wasting my life watching Law&Order, I got a whole bunch of photoshopping and photobucketing going. Bad news? Not Rio pix. However, if you like excellent lampwork beads, I've listed some auctions for a friend of mine. Buy her stuff, wouldya?!

***

Although I'm getting right up there, I'm thankful I don't have a naturally wrinkly forehead. Mine's smooth. The rest of me is falling apart, and my forehead watches it all in serene smoothness. I'll post pictures soon. Look forward to it.

***

I loaded some music into iTunes once, and I haven't touched my iPod since. I begged Will to just take mine and load it, but he went and got married and is too busy for random requests now. Oh, and I don't know him. Those two salient facts have tanked my great 'have a music aficionado do my iPod' plan.

***

I wander the net often, following blog-wormholes. Lately, I've noticed bloggers that ask leading questions. The kinds that feel a bit forced. A bit like they're trying to tease out responses/comments. Have you noticed that trend? Do you know why they do it? Is there a blog-comment cash-in site I've missed? Do you do it on your blog? Do you answer those sorts of questions? Do you the fact that Mitt Romney is a Mormon* is a bigger problem than the fact that he seems to be either A) incredibly forgetful re: his stand on important issues to the point of dementia or B) a big fat liarhead?

***

*To explain the asterisk, which I often forget to do ... does anyone else remember the ad campaign the Mormons used to have? All these super tender moments that totally made you wish for wholesome and happy family relations. The mom baking cookies with the young ones; lovingly measuring and stirring and smiling. And she didn't have a drink or a cigarette? The kids squirting their dad with a hose. The kids had a dad. ... right? They totally almost got me on their ad campaigns alone!

***

I'm not sleepy and I should be bored to death right now. My retinas are sore from looking at my excellent tree and seeing how long I can go without blinking. Wanna come over? You could show me how iTunes works again .....

:)

ho ho ho #3

ho ho ho #3

I don't know how long the 'ho ho ho' trend will last, it kind of snuck up on me as it was. But now I'm having fun with it.

Today's holiday cheer:

*Tomorrow we'll see both sets of Bear's parents AND his delicious sis and bro-in-law AND their fabulous twins. I can hardly wait to squeeze babies! So, I gave Bear his present so he can photograph tomorrow's festivities. He loves it. I love him.

*I sent our governor a note telling him I think he's doing a good job.

*I have a few more things to wrap but I'm pretty much done. I played with Rio in the snow this morning, I gave her a haircut tonight, I've laid out her fun outfit for tomorrow, and I'm pretty relaxed. Who saw this coming?

If you feel like punching me, I hardly blame you.

ho ho ho #2

ho ho ho #2

For Xmas this year, being full of holiday cheer as I presently find myself, I volunteered to take my nephew holiday shopping. There are a million reasons why this is hilarious, but I think the fact that he has not one single gift idea, is sorta lazy, calls me 'Ant Nita' and has Aspergers might paint the broad picture.

I asked my brother for time with my nephew every day for the last 3 weeks. He finally gets it together to bring him up (N lives in CT) this afternoon. Which turns into tonight. Which turns into - going to be so fricking late we'll have to shop in the morning. I take matters into my own hands and call my nephew and offer to DO his shopping for him for a small service charge above and beyond the actual gift prices. I'm so Neimann Marcus. Anyway, he is wild about the idea [I'm pretty sure I hear a blip in the tone...] and tells me I'm his favorite person ever [or maybe he said, 'Thanks'...]! I do do DO love this kid!

neph: Ant Nita, that is the best idea ever! I hate to shop and we were both going to end up miserable.

me: Oh, Neph, the force is so strong in me that even holiday crowds can't reach me. Plus, this year I have holiday cheer! Have your dad bring you for dinner and I'll give you a gift preview and you can sign tags and we'll call it a day!

neph: Thanks! Can't talk, I'm busy playing a game. [click]

***

Why do I love this kid so? I made a pair of earrings for his mother. Now, everyone pray that she somehow hasn't happened upon the blog and is stalking me. Frankly, I'm not even sure she knows my name, but not knowing my name hasn't stemmed her dislike of all things me, but people with less interest in me have wandered by twice a day, if you know what I mean....

I love him because he LOVED everything I picked out. In fact, he said, "That is AWESOME!" to each and every gift I had chosen, including a cup-holder-change-sorter. He rocks! AND!!! There's more!!! When I showed him the earrings I made for his mother, he said, "Wow! Those are awesome! They are way too nice for her!" .... hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I love him like crazy. *lesigh*

***

We interrupt the holiday giddiness for a Masshole Driving Update:

Dear Asshat:
Just because you're on your cellphone and quite obviously previously engaged to the point where your safe piloting of a ginourmous SUV is waaaay down your priority list - that does NOT mean that you can cruise to the front of the turn lane and then NOT turn but rather run 4 people off the road as you continue straight with a graceful aplomb that can only be described as the driving behavior of a clinical vegetable!!! YOU ARE SOME KIND OF FUCKING MORON! WAKE UP! HOLD ON TO THE WHEEL! HANG UP AND DRIVE YOU FUCKSTICK!

love,
santa's little helper :)

ho ho ho #1

ho ho ho #1

Bear didn't rush to shovel us out after the last 2 storms. Subsequently, our mailman was unable to reach the mailbox on Monday, and Tuesday. So, off to the post office I go. Christmas week. This should be fun, eh?

***

No one at the PO. Serious ghost town! I mention that to the fine folks working and they proceed to chew me a new one. Nice. So, I get the number of the place where they hold your mail if you're an asshat. That's the impression I got. Anyway, the guy tells me to call tomorrow between 6:30 and 7 in the morning.

me: In the morning? Six in the morning??

Met with dirty looks. So, I call and the nice man tells me it'll be sent down by 10. I go into the post office at noon, and it's not there. So the woman 'who has been working for 3 weeks straight' [repeat 47 times] tells me it's at the mvashlochen I have to pick it up. She's Chinese and a bit tough to understand ...

me: The mvashlochen?

minion: The mvashlochen! The mvashlochen! It's on Comice Boweevahd!

me: Sorry? Where?

minion: You know Comice Boweevahd? Right by you house! [she's starting to yell at me]

me: [starting to giggle cuz she's getting pissed and the more pissed she gets, the less I can understand] I'm sorry, I don't know where it is?

minion: EMC? Up da hill? Right on you way home! You drive wight by!

me: I'm not from here ...

minion: Comice Boweevahd! On you way home! On you way home!

me: Um, I just have to say that I go home many different ways ... [and I look out the window and consider pointing out that all roads lead home and she picks up a paper to draw a map for me]

minion: Can you find da highway? [smartass] Okay, not this road, not this road, this road up around back. On you way home! Comice Boweevahd! You drive right by! You drive right by! [Commerce Boulevard. Still don't know where it is...]

***

I follow her directions and I am thankful I have great snowtires and a front-wheel drive Subaru. Around the back of the building she pointed to on her horrid drawing is a dirt path that gets more and more narrow until it's impassable - and I had to back out. I drive up and down the road and finally find it.

mailman: Well, we don't encourage people to come up here, you know.

me: With the directions they give at the post office, your bat cave is safe.

mm: [blank stare] Here's your mail. Have a nice holiday.

So, in that 2 day bundle were 2 pieces of mail for my neighbors. I simply redistribute it so no one has to go to the post office. I'm good like that. Ho ho holy crap that lady needs a rum and tonic and a nap.

did you know about this?

did you know about this?

So fun! I've submitted but am not holding my breath :)

***

I'm working through something right now. It deserves a well though-out post so I just drafted it. I will get it up soon. [giggles]

zoom, zoom, zoom

zoom, zoom, zoom

Y'all know how I'm slightly obsessed with child-safety, right? I practically divorced Bear when I came back from a weekend away and Rio said:

Mommy! I missed you sooooo much! Daddy let me ride in the front seat!

No secret is safe in this house. Not one. I'm being careful but Bear, not so much ... anyway ... We didn't get out yesterday. To the store, but no fresh air. So today, after nap, we suited up for a tour of our ice covered yard. I shlep her around in a blow-up raft-type sled while she hollers, "Faster Mommy! Faster!" and much fun is had by all. I take a look at the backyard slope and decide it might be fun to try.

You know where this is going, yes?

So, I crunch through the crust and get the sled poised at the top of a gentle incline that goes down to the swampland/mosquito resort that is our back acreage. Quickly judging slope, potential velocity, surface conditions, etc. I decide it'll be fun. I used to be a hairstylist. My calculations *may* have been flawed ...

I would like to formally apologize to my neighbor for crossing the property lines and wiping out his lilac bushes which blessedly slowed our incredible descent toward his huge oak tree. I tried to put a foot down behind the sled and it was like dragging it on a bowling alley. I was atop the sled holding one back handle and one front handle so, whilst zooming across our yards, I was trying to decide if I could let go of the front one and grab the back one and fling my body off AND hold on when I decided that I probably could not and if I knocked myself out my child would sit right there like she's on some kind of litter which is how she conducts her badass three-year-old self these days, and no one would find either of us until we froze to the ground/sled ... so I rode it out sheltering her body as best I could with mine. We hit the bushes, crashed through like a 747 and only when the bushes thickened and began to lift us off the ground did we slow and glide to a rest against the giant oak.

me: [nervous giggling like a maniac] Wowza! Was that fun?


rio: Uh, no. Let's do it again!

I should totally post more often so I we're in the bushes somewhere along the back 40, someone will come to look for us.

oh, you're welcome!

oh, you're welcome!

Know what rocks?

This rocks.

I hover at level 42 and I'm sorely tempted to cheat. But I don't. As far as you know...

But!

Today I learned that interment and internment are both words, close in meaning, and I didn't know exactly what the first one meant. Dammit!

swinging like a bipolar monkey on a speedball

swinging like a bipolar monkey on a speedball

I'm trying here, people. Trying to embrace this season and spew joy as best I can. And be sincere about it.

Today we went to Uncle Mark's house. Rio adores the snot out of him. They were heavily engaged in a game of 'Where is Clifford hiding?' so I buzzed out to the store to gather all the things for the sugar cookies I'm making tonight. Seriously. And a bunch of kids are coming over tomorrow to decorate them. I'm ridiculous but looking forward to it!

So, standing in line. Stop&Shop has new tricky scanners so you can bag your own groceries while you shop, scan everything in and present the scanner to a cashier and they just take your word for it. Fascinating. I know Macy's had to stop playing subliminal messages telling employees not to steal. I can only imagine how Stop&Shop is keeping the masses honest .... better not go there.

Anyway, lovely lady handed scanner to cashier - and it totally didn't work. So she had to unpack her groceries and have everything re-scanned. So much faster, huh? Anyway, she was really nice and offered to let me go ahead of her even though she had a toddler in the cart??!! I declined, needless to say.

That gave me time to look around. At the trashy mags. And open one and page through. AND BURST INTO TEARS WHEN I READ ABOUT STUPID NICOLE RICHIE MEETING WITH HER BIRTH PARENTS!!!

I'm a fucking disaster area.

***

On a funny note - Rio, the dog and I all smell like smoke and bacon after an afternoon at Uncle Marky's. :)

fa la la la f*ck

fa la la la f*ck

Do you loathe the holidays? Me, too. I envy the people who looooooove the holidays. The people who bake cookies, and have parties, and just sparkle with elf-like delight. I swear I could slap somebody.

For many, many years I was able to avoid the entirety of November/December festivities. No turkey. No 8 crazy nights. No fat man. Nothing. In fact, for years I always volunteered to work so others could have time with family. I wanted the happy people to have the chance to be together.

Through some holiday miracle of my own, I'm slipping into the guise of a happy holiday person. Okay, maybe not 'holiday happy'', but at least 'holiday tolerant.' People, it's freaking me out. Last week I bought cookie cutters and, in what can only be described as an incredible lapse of judgment, I also bought about $40 bucks worth of sprinkles, colored sugars, tiny swirly chips and frosting. I plan to have the kids from playgroup over to decorate my homemade effing cookies. I left everything in the bag with the receipt - just in case. Just in case I regain my insanity.

But today ... today ... wow. I'm pretty much speechless. I woke up this morning and this fell out of my head --

me: I want to get a tree.

bear: [blinks once, twice.] That would be really nice, honey.

me: Yeah. I need to make the holidays my own. Make our own traditions. Our family. Our traditions. Learn to love this time of year instead of, well, weeping so much.

bear: Excellent thinking all around!

me: Yeah, so, I want a tree. I want a white tree. A sparkly... shiny... white tree!

bear: ...

me: [weird smile finds its way onto my face.]

bear: Um, hon, no.

me: Bear, maybe you didn't hear me. I said I want a white tree.

bear: A white tree? Are you kidding me? You grew up in Vermont! White trees are fake! Hideous! I think I have to throw a veto here.

***

Isn't she beautiful?

do me a huuuuuge favor, okay?

do me a huuuuuge favor, okay?

Medical care has become an interesting topic, no? Well, I just got an email and apparently the hospital in the town next to my hometown (my hometown doesn't have a hospital!) is in the running for an MRI. Yup, some company is giving away an MRI for votes. You don't have to register so I don't think you'll be contacted to buy one for yourself so, what do you say? Vote, would you? Being so close to a ski resort, I can't imagine they don't have one already. I wonder if there is a tea-leaf reader or bone thrower on staff for times when the MRI van is running late....

Anyway, if you would be so kind as to go here and vote for Copley Hospital in the pull-down menu. That would be swell :)

proud moments in housewifery

proud moments in housewifery

When I was single, I had a cleaning person. She was awesome. She put my laundry away (I love to wash and fold, but not put away. Kinda weird, huh?!) and cleaned my bathroom and vacuumed and put fresh flowers in my place every Friday. I paid her what she was worth because she didn't ask for enough, and we are still in touch because I still am so thankful to her.

Now, I'm in charge of this house. This kinda big house. This wicked messy house ... I'm not good at it. My New Year's resolutions list is short, but being more organized and cleaning better are right at the top. I've been begging for professional help (good morning marion!) and I sense it's coming.

And not a moment too soon.

I know I tend to exaggerate here but I have a nearly true story for you. This morning I opened the fridge to get some milk for Rio's cereal AND SOMETHING BITCH-SLAPPED ME RIGHT ACROSS THE GRILL. Furthermore, after wrestling said evil fridge monster to the ground, I was unable to discern whether is was a ball of rotten tofu or a head of rotten lettuce.

***

I cleaned every inch of the fridge. All the drawers. Every nook and cranny. My confession is that the bottom, under the crisper drawer (or fetid-rot-maker drawer, whatever) there was a lot of, um, stuff. Some of it was probably crunchy when it fell under there. Some of it might have shriveled up into that shape after a certain amount of time passed - I think it's called dessication? Either way, it wasn't apparently sticky stuff, and there was quite a bit of it. After puzzling over the best solution, I got out the hand vacuum and did the pre-clean that way.

It was in that moment, vacuum in hand, balanced on a stool and vacuuming out my refrigerator, that it occured to me I might start making my resolution list right now.