prepare for the overshare

If you're still looking, it's your own damned fault.

***

Where to begin? This may end up long and rambling and I refuse to edit, but I will concede to putting "+" at certain points and fleshing out said points at a later date.

***

It might be my fault that Bear doesn't understand when he's making me truly angry. I suck it up like a world champ because I lay the line way in advance and expect that everyone expects it's still in the same place. So, we had a major major blowout. It was so bad that:
~I told his mom he's an asshat
~I told my friends he's an asshat
~I figured out how much $$ it would take for me to move to Vermont and re-open my salon because that's money in the bank
~I looked at cheap houses on realtor.com
~I didn't say one word to him for days on end
~I didn't sleep in our bed

***

We had dueling therapy appointments last night. Bear has a guy and the guy has a woman in the office and I like Bear's guy ... Bear is not at all touchy feely with anyone on the planet except me and Rio. That's cool. But sometimes he gets going into places where I can't be there for him so I sent him to this guy. No '+' here cuz it's not mine to tell ...

It felt good to vent. Really vent. And say not nice things+ and feel like I was heard and understood. And reasonable. My anger is not reasonable. And it used to be on the out of control side+. Blowouts of epic proportions are like seizures for me - a patch of scorched earth remains in my heart/soul after the anger fades. It's bad for me.

***

People are dying and I'm not okay with it. A good friend said "You know a million people. The sheer volume of your circle means things like this happen." She's smart. I'm even more sad.

***

The therapist took a short history and we felt each other out. Not up. Just out. And I'm comfortable with her. I'm like that. I'm comfortable with most people and those I don't like always, every single time, always turn out to be bad people. So, I'm going to try to do some lingering work with her.

She said 'some people do anger and some people do sad, but very few people do both'. I do anger. No sad. Outward has always been easier than inward. Good thing or I might not have made it this far.+

***

I'm one in four. I have a daughter. I haven't felt this vulnerable since I was six years old.

4 comments:

Emma said...

{{HUG}}

Nothing else to say. Take care.

Barbara E. said...

There's a recently discovered asshat genome sequence in all male DNA.

All women instinctively know this. So you didn't surprise your MIL with the info.

It's empowering for a wife and mother to know she can go out tomorrow and earn her own living. I wish more younger women understood that.

You guys will work this out. Yay for husbands in therapy!

beth@wolfsong said...

I am too, and I do too.

nita said...

you guys are the best. hugs back.