turns out - i DONT want you to want me

She's got a new thing she's doing. After I settle her in and tell her a 'once upon a time there was a girl named Rio' story, she breaks my heart to thank me for the excellent mothering. She slides those fingers -- fingers that are losing the pudge of babyhood; fingers I can imagine full grown on a piano or standing bass; fingers have the superhuman ability to penetrate my flesh -- into my hair and pulls my face closer still to hers and says:

"I want you Mommy. I'm holding you so you don't leave me."

Kill me now.


I have a 3 pronged attack plan for parenting:

*read a shit ton. consume books like I need more fiber. disregard anything that feels 'wrong' and gather enough tomes surrounding what feels 'right' to start a library. a college library. a med school college library ...

* take everything my parents said or did and never, ever do anything that way

* trust my instincts

So, I hold her fingers and count them and kiss them. I kiss her tears and tell her I'm sad to leave her, too, but we all need rest. I tell her I love her and I'll check on her in 10 minutes and leave a room where *my baby* has just said, " I want you, Mommy,".

I know it's the right thing to do. I joke a tiny bit, telling her 'I want you tooooo!' but not enough to invalidate her sadness. I gently pull away with the promise of a check-up return. I tell her I love her and try to convey that I support her emotions. I'm pretty sure this is *just* how to handle this.

So, why is it that when walking down the hall I keep stepping on my heart; bloody and fresh from the kill?


Kim said...

UGH! Little Man tells me he cries for me. I don't know why but it gets me every time. He tells me 3-4 times a week, "I cried for you when you left me at school." And he LOVES school.

They have that special way of just ripping our heart out and leaving it lay out there!

teahouse said...

Awwww...that's really sweet.

Anonymous said...

This is taken from an email sent to me.

Before I was a Mom, I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside of my body. I didn't know something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Isn't it wonderful?

Galaxy Girl said...

Have I said lately how lucky she is to have you? You've got such a good heart, woman.

Sally said...

She's a cutie! Yes, your instincts are right on.

Diana said...

this made me want to keep my little guy in the bed with me a little longer...
yeah that feeling passed quickly. thanks though. ;)