We had an incident this weekend in Vermont - me and Rio. She got hurt and I got scared. I don't wish to discuss the particulars for many reasons so please, don't ask. She woke a sleeping dog who bit her. The dog totally pulled back in the nick of time. The bite was a bite, but it was a 1 on the 1 - 10 scale. She's fine. It's me. I'm not okay. I got so scared that I can't stop being scared now. And that scares me.
I had a cloud of black descend. It was tangible and cold and not so much cloud-like as steel-blade-like. I realized that my flight/fight instinct is still in conflict.
I grew up in a house where I had to stay. I should have left. I wanted to. I planned it and thought about it - where I'd go, how I'd get there, how I'd live. But I stayed for my brother. We never talk about it but I think we were both there for each other and I think we both would have been better off making a break for it.
So, when it gets bad now, I run. I run a lot. I'm comfortable walking, jogging, running away, disappearing. That is a choice for me now. I like that.
She got hurt. Not bad enough for the ER, but bad enough for me to literally gag on the guilt rushing down my throat with every breath. So I ran. When I called Bear from the car he said, "Don't be ridiculous. You can't drive all night - you won't get here until daybreak. It's dangerous. She's fine. You're fine. Stay."
Of course he was right. Everything was fine but my instinct had been jump-started and I'm still trying to find the 'off' switch.
All this leaves me hurting for my motherhood. I forge my own way every day. I make all the decisions and I know they're good because I have to believe that. We've had tough and scary times, but mostly we have happy and delightful times. Days on end with no harsh words even. The Universe has seen fit to give me a child of even disposition who is absolutely a joy in every way. She's filled with laughter and light. She's safe and sound and happy and healthy.
And I'm a ground glass slurpee. The inner doubts grinding against each other. The sharp pangs of doubt have been replaced with a general sense of discomfort; bearable and ever-present. I battle daily to enjoy motherhood. My fears bite at me constantly. I don't know how I could go on if anything ever happened. I think I would literally *poof* out of existence.
This will pass. I'm working on some things, ways to be better. Of healthier mind and body. Working to banish the fear and doubt. Working to see the reality and feel the wonder and happiness we have in our little family. I get furious when the rough seas of the past wash up evil debris and I wonder when I'll be able to just sit. Stay. Breathe.
amended to add:
This has been stuck in me. I held back, posted it, pulled it ... still feeling a bit irrational. But I do feel better. We went for the one week check-up today. The only thing that was remarkable about the visit is that Rio asked Dr. Chris, "Where's your Mickey Mouse shirt?". It's what he was wearing when he saw her three weeks ago .... !!! Then she told him, "Take care Dopter Chris! We'll see you soon buddyboy!".
that kid ...