Dear Hertz:

Being that my complaints have fallen on completely deaf ears, I am writing you a letter here. I hope google picks it up and you offer me a zillion dollars to take it down because then I will have the opportunity to a) put YOU on hold and b) lie to you. Then I will tell you to c) my virtual foot heading for your virtual d)umbass.

First, I booked with a human being. A human being with a southern accent. Heart warming and ever so slightly difficult to understand at the speed of sound. She was rushing me and she told me that she gets spiffs for signing people up so I did book my car with her. Evidently she gave me the 'I'm in a super rush, y'all!' price, because when I arrived in Florida the nice chunk of a man informed me that it was a different price.

I told him I wasn't sure what to say. Here is my confirmation code and the price, everything included, that I was quoted. He looked at me and I looked at him and ... nothing!

I asked him to please call somebody to see what price was attached to my confirmation number. He shrugged and dialed. Then he turned his back and talked in hushed tones to whomever.

So, he put me on with his supervisor who told me it was a made-up price. And then she didn't say anything else. So I said, "And? You're telling me you won't honor the price quoted to me on the phone by one of your customer service reps?" to which she replied, "That is accurate!". The man gave me some sort of comp for half the amount of the overcharge so I guess that was nice? But still, not what I was quoted. Oh, and instead of a Camry I got a Hyundai. So, Hertz, you're already sucking and I've only made it to the airport.

Happy spot? The nice man who drove me over to the lot was lovely. And he carried my bag and put it on the bus and then carried it to my car. You should give him a raise. Or more of whatever he was on. Either way. End of happy.

He left me in a broiling parking lot. I thought to ask, "The car seat is in, right?" and he assured me it was a car seat rental so, yes. Well, it was. Technically. The car seat was *in* the car, in the backseat in a tangle of hooks and clamps and the seat itself was none too clean. I wiped it off with baby wipes and then set about trying to install it WITH NO DIRECTIONS! Would it kill you to have a little laminated card attached to the thing? Honestly! They aren't all the exact same, ya know. Kinda like how a Camry isn't a Hyundai, but I should have known, right?

It took me forever to figure out how to work the buckles and slide the slides and when I got one side hooked it became apparent I had hooked it upside down and had to jam my fingers between the hot seats to unhook it and rehook it.

Thankfully Rio was exhausted and happy to sit in the front seat while the car cooled off and I wrestled with the car seat. If you want to sell hilarious but mean spirited footage, you should put a webcam on the car seat cars. Nothing funnier than an exhausted mom who's been on two planes and has a tired child and her car seat car is some sort of Survivor challenge. Right? Hertz, are you listening to me or just laughing? At one point, sweating like a horse and swearing like a cowboy, I yelled into the abyss "CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!?!". The only reply was the shimmery glare of heat off the other cars.


Now the time came to return your car. To the airport, as I had requested. My step dad assured me that Orlando is so family friendly, it should be a breeze. Well, if you are one of the other 5 CAR RENTAL PLACES THAT OPERATE AT THE AIRPORT I'M SURE IT WAS EASY!! Hertz, you sucky mcsucks, do not have a return spot nestled alongside 'Dollar' or 'Avis' or 'Budget' or any of the others. Nor did the 'gal' mention it when I asked for a return to the airport. She just said, "Sure thing! Y'all have a niiice trip!" click. I called you on your 800 number and you gave me the local number. I called the desk three times. The first two times I got, "ThankYouForCallingHertzPleaseHold" but you see, I had a plane to catch. So the third time I called back I said "Please Don't Put Me On Hold!" and then your person was rather rude. She gave me directions that did NOT include the left turn I need to make, just the "You can't miss it" which was another lie. After turning around I got in and dropped the car. Either the person checking me in and informing me I was going to be charged more than I had agreed to pay but the legalese won't be on my side ... she was either deaf, non-english speaking or rude. When I mentioned that sharing information like off-site return would be nice, she shrugged and said, "What are you gonna do?".


Then! The woman driving the bus must have been your rude sister. Unless she's related to the owner, I can' imagine how she kept her job. Aren't the drivers supposed to help you on your bus? I extended the handle of my suitcase and left it by the door. I got my baby in a seat and collapsed the stroller and secured it in the baggage area. Then I sat down and started hoping I could still make the earlier plane despite your run-around. I was wrestling a juicebox from my backpack when your driver walked away from the other employee she'd been chatting with, stuck her head in the bus and said, "That yo bag?", pointing with what I now realize was a fingernail that was completely incongruent with physical labor of any sort ... I'm not sure how she drove. Anyway, I got back out and put my bag on myself. That's not so bad. I watched her point out the baggage rack to a nice over-weight elderly couple with, no lie, nine bags. Then she got on the bus and started her up! Happily, she was only gunning the engine and not really driving off while they struggled to throw their bags on board ... funny bus-driving sister you have there!

Here's the thing that really pisses me off, Hertz. When I arrived at the airline ticket counter (sweaty and a bit out of breath toting a giant suitcase, an equally giant backpack, a giant tea set and pushing a stroller!) to see if I could still make the earlier flight, the attendant asked me if I had returned a car to Hertz. I thought she was psychic until she told me that PEOPLE ARE CONSTANTLY HAVING TO RUSH BECAUSE YOU DON'T TELL THEM YOUR RETURN IS OFF SITE! So, it's fair to say I'm not the first to have this problem, yes? Not the first to be the victim of your cruel prank? Not the first person who had to 'run, Stupid Hertz renter, run!'...

Hertz, deceiving people about where the return lot is located is a sucky policy for many reasons. You're not cheaper. You certainly can't be keeping customers for loyalty unless you're courting the sadist population. Your agent should have been able to make the leap between car seat and child and it would have been fucking nice if she'd mentioned I'd need another 45 minutes to return the car.

So, in closing, I wish I'd left the trash in the car. I wish I'd been able to find big road kill to leave in the trunk. I wish my perfectly patient child had pooped through. I wish I had a t-shirt factory so I could print 'Hertz sucks' t-shirts. I wish I had remembered that OJ Simpson used to be your spokesmodel. I'm sure he's still looking for work and he really seems to fit your current business model: rude, deceitful, guilty and pretty sure your lawyer is better than mine.

Piss up a rope Hertz.

I Would Rather Hitchhike Than Rent From Hertz


Diana said...


So Avis it is then?

Barbara E. said...

Share this with Consumerist.com. You might actually get some action. Hertz action, that is.

Michael said...

Yeah, piss up the rope... can't find the rope? You can't miss it... wrapped around your neck, assholes.

TL said...

Oh that is so funny but I am so sad that you had to go through this section of Hell.

chris said...

I was googling "Hertz Orlando Complaints" and found this. Just had a terrible experience there was well and will blog about it as well.

We can't do much, but if we stop one customer from going there . . . .