Ugh

I'm off to Vermont. One of my best friends since high school, T, called yesterday and her mother simply died the day before. The circumstances are a bit bizarre right now and I'll update later. So I'm going to help. She is one of those special and pure souls that is wrapped up in angel. She is drop dead gorgeous and twenty times as nice. Her aunts are being harpies so I'm taking my round little body up to Vermont to open up a can, if you know what I mean.

Maybe Bear will post for me while I'm away. He's not so thrilled I'm going but is very understanding. He's great like that.

I have a really tough post that I cannot get to right now. Saw my nephew, finally, and realized my brother is perpetuating our evil childhood of neglect. I'll detail when my eye stops twitching.

On a happy note, my bro is here for a couple of days. I was working on my color wheels this morning and Mark and Bear were sitting around critiquing. Much more fun than it sounds....

another mystery solved...

We have been kind of wondering how on earth I ended up knocked up in October being that we hardly saw one another and I was in Jamaica and then Vermont and blahblahblah. Well, paging through some old stuff I found a haiku I wrote for him in between Jamaica/Boston/Stowe. I was missing him when I landed so instead of heading north, I can home. And--voila!!

what a vacation!
fun and sun and r and r
but i did miss home

fat folks on the plane
overtook my extra seat
so i could not nap

i was excited
flying in over boston
just a few more hours...

i phone him first thing
i'm supposed to head up north
he says i should go

'i want to see you
i missed you so much, my sweet
didn't you miss me?'

i am a bit sad
i was gone-and forgotten
so i tell him this

'wellllll,' he says slowly
'you know the stuff on my list?
the stuff that you need?

the time really flew
i thought i could get stuff done
sadly, i did not

i WILL do it ALL!
i will start in the morning
the list will be done!

the molding downstairs
even your messy closet
and the garage door

paint will really fly
the trashman will be busy
with all of my piles

i will clean the rugs
straighten up the kitchen shelves
even wash the dogs!

kelly is coming
i have yet to make her bed
she will need clean sheets!

that needs to be done
i know how to make a bed
at least, i think so

so-go to vermont
i'm not ready for you here
i got a late start'

so i say to him
'i know you forgot the list
it's ok with me

i'll do the guest room
the rest of the stuff can wait
plus, i miss the dogs'

i can hear him smile
'so what are you waiting for?
get your tan ass home!'

100 grams of protein a day...

So, that's what I'm supposed to get. Yesterday, 72. Today-98. I'm so stuffed I could be hanging on the wall in someone's den. It is the 4 glasses of milk that is really gagging me. Off to bed for more nightmares! Ta-ta!

holy cannoli

So this morning we were just laying in bed watching my stomach lurch around. I'm amazed. It's amazing. Bloop, to one side, bloop to the other. That kid must have friends over this morning. Wowza.

My sculpture class promises to be fantastic! Last night we drew a picture and then made a wire sculpture out of it. There is the full gamut of talent in this class so it is interesting to see what people are producing. I made a palm tree with giant leaves and spirally coconuts. I'll finish it on wednesday and see if I can get a decent pic of it and I'll post it. Try not to be dazzled.

Now I have to hit the books for I have a midterm due tomorrow on 8 weeks of reading that I kind of blew off. Don't worry, I'm a graduate of Evelyn Woods........

fat and happy

Had a checkup this morning. I always try to wear interesting panties. Today I wore my boyshorts that have "Pow!" and "Zam" and "Clonk" all over them. I have gained 4 pounds so the doc is happy. She said, "Don't worry, it'll start to pile on now."

Yippee.

At my next appointment I get to do sugar testing. Fast, have blood taken, then ingest some poisonous sugar cocktail, then sit around for an hour and let the lightly trained ghouls at QuestLabs take another vial of blood. Sounds great, huh? Oh the indignities.... I was thinking of offering to eat a box of GirlScout cookies really fast instead of the sugar cocktail. I'll let you know how it goes.

I also went to our favorite Italian deli and got loads of sliced meat for Bear's carb-free torture. He's doing well and he's always happiest when embroiled in some compulsive behaviour. So I cook meat. I got some ground buffalo at the grocery. Wonder if I can find a decent recipe for it somewhere?!

Pretty boring day. My website is down so I despair of paying for my ebay wins because I can't get email. I'm sure it'll be fixed soon. One of the techs called me from Old Navy about 2 minutes after I opened my case. Quick, they are, at wshost.net. Unsolicited plug.

Kind of having one of those content days that makes you let the old lady with fewer things in her basket go first in line, make you love the dogs even more, make you let your sister sleep even though it's nearly noon. The kind of day that makes you happy to occupy this planet. The kind of day that makes crabby people scowl at your light. *sigh*

To clear a few things up...

1. My prof called me as soon as he got my email. He basically said if a student is ballsy enough to question their grade, he's open enough to negotiate. I'm not telling anyone about this development!! So, I have to rewrite my theology based on Sallie McFague's LIFE ABUNDANT and he'll reconsider my grade. Probably an A-, which is okay with me!!

2. When Bear and my sister went to see my brother last night, a funny little thing happened. Mark, my bro, introduced V as his sister and Bear as his brother in law. They all got a funny look because Bear is 36 and V is 19 so my brother says, 'Oh, ah, he's married to my other sister!' Kind of amusing, non?

3. So....I was visiting Mark at a bar (the usual meeting place if you want to see him and you have to listen to his jam band although they usually will play a silly Prince riff if I'm there....) in Vermont and I was backstage with the guys and the whole scene. Some guy walks up to my brother and my bro makes the face that I recognize as 'I don't really dig this dude' but I have no idea who he is. He looks familiar so I think he's a bartender at the club. Mark says, "This is Rob, Rob, my sister." and I say "Hi, nice to see you. If you're headed to the bar could you grab me a couple of Heinekens?"

For some reason this puts my brother into hysterics. The guy, Rob, snorts at me and turns his back and walks away and starts talking to someone else.

me: What's so damned funny?

mark: (still bent over laughing) That was perfect! I love you!

me: Whaaaa? I don't get it?

mark: Do you know who he is?

me: He looks familiar. Isn't he a bartender here or something?

mark: (still LHAO) That's Rob Fishman! The base player from Phish! hahahahahaha

me: Oh, yeah, I thought he looked familiar. I just thought it was from here.

Yeah, a little clueless but kind of cute. That's me.


THAT reminds me..... of when I was a waitress in Florida. I'm well read, politically knowledgeable, understand modern dance....I just am a disco biscuit. Love top 40. The musical taste of a thirteen year old. Can't help it, can't deny it. Sorry if that disappoints you.

Where was I? Oh yes. I was working lunch at Harpoon Louies in Jupiter with my 80's kinda big curly hair with the white streak in the front, and there were 2 guys seated in my section. Long hair, leather Hard Rock Cafe jackets-back when they were exclusive- one from Stockholm and the other from somewhere else in Europe. So blahblahblah and they were done with lunch and putting on their jackets. I asked if they were band guys or something. One says to me, "You don't recognize us, do you?" and I answer, "If you're not a backup dancer for Madonna, I probably wouldn't know you." This cracked them up to no end. And they tipped me a crisp $100 for lunch. Still have no idea who they were......

I am officially a more relaxed person

...as evidenced by my reaction, or lack thereof, to my final grades for last semester.

Humanities/ The Warrior Ethic :: A
Social and Political Philosophy :: A
The Creative Mind :: A
A Question of God in the Modern World :: B+

My chance at summa cum laude is officially shot. I sent the prof an email asking if there has been some sort of mistake (ya, I got balls) so we'll see what he says.

But the remarkable thing is--I don't really care. Magna cum stay at home mom is okay, too. I'm really undergoing a huge change in my level of excitability. Last year a B+ would have put me into a foul mood, with much banging around and cursing involved. I opened my grades and went, "Anh" or however you write the sound for so what. We'll see.

I spent the day in Jersey providing emergency child care for good friends of mine. A long drive but a labor of love that I was pleased I could provide. I did get to sample 'Elmo' fruit snacks. I'll be going out tomorrow to buy a case. Those things fucking rule! And 100% of my vitamin C for the day! Or 400%, when you consider I ate 4 bags ;)

Bear and my little sister V are visiting my brother at a nightclub. V is 20 years younger than I.....there is a lot to tell but not today. She is wonderful and Bear really feels like she's his little sister, too. I love how loving he is.

I can't believe no one was curious about the Phish story. Oh well, it wasn't THAT great anyway....

night night

C'mon, let me kick a little game with you...

She's gone. She kind of tried to be on good behaviour but that is so open to interpretation...

There are a few rules that are carved in stone.

*Don't ridicule my husband.
She's one of those people who shows affection by making you feel like a failure who might smell badly, too.

*I'm not interested in input regarding how I raise my dogs.
Yeah, so, she had the nerve to say Jack is fat and Hobbes seems gay. Her dog vibrated like an overdue crack head and jumped and your face to bite your nose AND tried to attack my gentle and mild mannered pitbull....

*No racial slurs of any sort.
And here's where things fell apart. A friend stayed over on his way to appear for 30 seconds on Good Morning America. We were having a nice dinner and my mother started to tell a story about when he most recent ex-husband was sailing in the Clipper Cup International. She used the word, "boat-n*gger" and I quickly and loudly said, "NO!" and she just kept going. I got up, went in the kitchen where I thought my head would explode. Bear helped our guest downstairs and I said to her....

me: You need to apologize without any qualifiers.

mother: You don't understand that....

me: No qualifiers. You know I forbid that word in my home. These 4 walls are MINE and you will apologize.

mother: If you knew the root of the word...

me: Wealthy white yacht owners have adopted the most universally understood defamation of a human to amuse themselves on their boats, torturing their staff. Lovely. Apologize.

mother: Fine, I apologize but you just don't understand...

me: You suck. I'm going to bed.

And I left the kitchen. And took a klonopin. And cried.

I live my life railing against racism and sexism and discrimination and this is my mother. *sigh*

Bear was a rockstar this whole week which does not mean he got wasted and forgot to come home, although I would have completely understood. He was supportive of me at every turn and I am so glad he's my husband and I'm his wife. Who knew marriage could be so damned lovely?

How about the Phish story, instead?!

my mother's on the way

She called at 9 am to tell me she would be on the road in half an hour. Then she called at 1:00 to tell me that after coming out of the post office, her car was covered in blood and her rotten dog had cut his foot. She was completely hysterical and all out of breath. This after 3.5 hours allegedly spent at the vet.....

So now she's right around one hour late. Her cell phone is on, rings 5 times and the message comes on. She's not answering. I have to go to the store but I'm certain she'll show up while I'm there.

This promises to be a visit just like all the others.

Say a prayer, wouldya?

toe pick

and now the little nugget appears to be standing straight up, on point, on my colon. hmmmm.

procrastination....
But really I'm just making noise to see if Bear will get up and make me breakfast.

I woke up this morning to excessive swallowing. Enough to wake me up. I thought Bear was choking to death or something. I turned my head and was looking Hobbes right in the face. He had all his feet on my back and was all stretched out in between us like another person. I'm starting to feel like a pioneer with 4 bodies in the bed. We really have to get those dogs off the bed...

So I got up to work on my personal theology. After throwing the class into a crisis of faith, mine had better be good! BUT...instead of working on it I've been reading blogs and laughing. I'm also listening to Super Hits of the 70's on net radio. The Partridge Family was just crooning 'I Think I Love You' and it reminded me of a funny story....

David Cassidy is such a dork
My friend and I had decided to crash the New Years party of the local radio station. We got all trolloped up and just walked in. Open bar, celebs and pseudo celebs, much fun.

So we're standing at the bar and up walks a man with incredibly orange face makeup on. Heavy makeup. And eyeliner. None other than David Cassidy.

He does that thing where a guy backs up to the bar and puts his elbow on it between you and your friend. I hate that. Still kinda looking around he leans in to me and says

dc: I really hate all these autograph seekers.

me: Well, you're safe here! (my good audience girlfriend snorts and blows a bit of her cocktail on the bar.)

me: (now on a roll...) Hey, how'd you get here? The big bus? Is Danny with you? Did you really sleep with your TV mom?

Danielle and I were in hysterics and he just walked away. What a dork.

and now it's 'Sweet Home Alabama'....
GREAT story about a surviving member of Lynyrd Skynyrd back in the day but my husband does check in here once in a while.....

Better get to work on that theology ;)

yet another reason my OB can hang...

Every appointment I bring an index card with all the questions I've thought of since the last appointment. There's always a doozer or two.

me: Ok, I feed the dogs the BARF diet. Raw chicken necks, raw ground meat, pulsed veggies and yogurt. What about salmonella et al?

doc: Just wash your hands after prep. I'm not so concerned it about it.

Don't you just love that guy? Although I am NOT eating:
blue cheese
goat cheese
cold cuts
hot dogs
large fish
chicken or beef with hormones
sushi

and a number of other things I love, I'm trying not to get all wound up in hysteria. I plan to go to the beach this summer, I don't plan to change the dogs' diet, and I am coloring my hair so.....I'm just trying to stay a little relaxed through this process and it's working ok.

It really helps that the little nugget has taken to doing softshoe in my belly about one hundred times a day. Taptaptap, sliiiiiide, taptaptap. Makes me smile every time.

I'll bet his bail was an arm and a leg.

Sorry. I couldn't resist.

life is good

I'm sitting here working on papers, shopping on ebay, having a carrot stick w/ranch dressing snack and I'm just happy. There is snow falling outside, I only have my 8pm class tonight and Bear is on the way home for prurient conjugal reasons.

And, I'm going to be somebody's mom.

Life is good.

Almost finished with my take home parts of my finals. Yeesh. I feel tired and smart.

I'm watching my in-law's cat, Max, while they're in Florida. He's not eating and he's kind of old. I love him sooo much, for a cat.....

I finished my art project. It rocks. Can someone remind me how to post pics? I'm kinda dumb like that. Boy, wait til I'm done with school. My blog is going to be rotten with pictures, links... heck! I might even move it to the domain name I've owned for years!

I'm eating well but still not gaining weight. Why couldn't this have happened in my 20's??!!

what a day

Bear let Hobbes out to pee and there was a possum right outside the door. Hobbes didn't make much noise, just grabbed it and shook it a couple of times. Bear yelled, "No! Out!" and Hobbes dropped it right away. "Here!" and the dog ran right inside. He was a little freaked out and we went out to look at the possum. For a while there it looked like it was okay. It blinked, got up, yawned, shook itself, and then dragged its legs behind it. So sad. Can't quite get that image out of my mind. *sigh*

The emergency vet (where of course we go) said to call the cops and they'd dispose of it and have it tested. The cop came and shot it in our yard. Our dickhead of a dog abusing, fat kid raising neighbor of ours came out to see what was going on. I would have yelled at him if I was out there. I despise that guy. Long story.....

So now I can't get the image of that wounded animal out of my brain. Hobbes is down the hall, hanging off the corner of the bed so he can see me and waiting for me to come snug him. He's a great dog but that instinct is such a weird thing to witness.

I'm a little emotional these days, too.

Ok, a LOT emotional. Wanna make something of it????

more inspiration from comments....

I love reading the comments on other people's blogs. It's often how I find cool new blogs to suck up the extra time I don't have.....

So. Today's question.....

What is the best compliment you've gotten? My man gives 'em all the time but there was one, once upon a time, in a bar far far away....that is still talked about with my friends.

We were walking into a club and there was a wall of guys. Just chillin'. Lookin'. Whatever. One of them steps off the wall and says to me, "Oooo girlllllll. You make a brother want to get a job with benefitssssss."

My friend Bill almost wet his pants. I didn't REALLY understand it but I think it was good?!

So what's your story?!

Yeah, so, the sleeping thing is not working out so well for me. I'm up to study. I just ran off a bunch of stuff for political philosophy (Mills, Pateman, Wolff) and after it was all done printing out Bear reminded me to use 'draft' option to save ink. Oopsie.

Oh, I have something really bad to tell him. Hopefully he'll read it here and then I won't have to break the news myself.

My mother is coming.When, you virtual-pals in blogland want to know? Well, Wednesday night for just one night. Then she'll be looking around Rhode Island to find her new home. Uh oh. Kinda close. I see a move in our future.

He's going to be a little peeved because when she asked if she could stay here I said no but ended up saying okay for just one night. He's really going to want to murder my not because he can't get along with her, but because she's very slyly horrifyingly bad to me. It drives him crazy. Little does he know I fibbed and told her I have class that night so I'll be gone from 5 til 10:30!!!!

The thumbnail sketch and then I really have to study. She was a terrible mother. Her husbands always came miles ahead of me and my brother. Neglect is a nice term. She made him feel invisible. She ruined New England for her latest husband and he has recently left screaming for Florida so seeing him will be difficult from now on. She is a history revisionist so she'll go on and on about what a great mother I'll be when in reality she told me I would be a horrible mother for soooo many years that I actually needed therapy to exorcise some of her programming. She was certain I'd kill my dog. My dogs are so much better cared for than hers. She's a narcissist, too. If I wasn't so high profile in our town, she probably would have ignored me, too. Nothing can be mine alone. Hard to explain but let me try.....

crazy, aisle one...
I had a breast reduction about 8 or 9 years ago. I now have the world's most perfect boobies (you can ask my husband when he's talking to me again after next Wednesday.....). I was in the tub at my house when my friend Suzi came over to see how I was doing. It was my first bath at home and my mother had come over to 'help' but was banished to laundry. So, Suzi and I were talking and mom came in. Suzi had a look at the scars and things and out of the blue my mother says, "This is what they looked like BEFORE surgery!" and whips her shirt open and flops out her breasts that look nothing like mine. Then about 6 months later she got the same surgery. She would show people in the grocery store! I kept hearing all these horrible stories that other people thought were funny but made me feel so sad and embarrassed.

And the kicker? She recently offered to take my infant child for a week at a time so I could go back to work. She can't seem to hear that I'm NOT going back to work, but that's another story.....

mommie dearest: I can pick up the baby on Monday and then bring the baby back on Friday so you can work.

me: Ah, again, I'm going to be staying home with the babe. I have no plans to send my child away midweek and I'm going to breast feed so that's not even an option.

md: You can't breast feed. (verrrry snotty tone of voice.)

me: Why on earth not?

md: Because of your surgery.

me: I recall Dr. Boobman telling me it was highly unlikely it would impact my ability to breast feed in the future although I told him I had no intention of having children.

md: WHelll, he told me I couldn't breast feed.

me: IS THAT BECAUSE YOU WERE FIFTY WHEN YOU HAD THE OPERATION??? I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE YOU HAD THAT CONVERSATION WITH HIM. HOW FRIGGING CREEPY!

Yeah, so, I ended up putting in a call to the Doc's office and he's on vacation so it took over 2 weeks to get an answer. Of course the answer is I should have no problems. Of course she made me doubt the fact that I knew that already. Of course I'm a fucking moron for letting her over the threshold of my home for even one 24 hour span. Hoo boy.

my husband is a funny guy

just now, from the bedroom:

bear: Know what?

me: What?

bear: Naming a baby is fucking hard.

We can't agree on a single name. Not one. This should be interesting.....


bear's secret blog

I know he has one. I just don't know the address. Guessing will take too long and his snoring cancels out his talking in his sleep.

this semester is almost over

I've been sick as a dog but working hard. I am .04 points away from summa cum laude and I really do want it. The only thing that may harm me is attendence. I should have gone to a huge school where I could just be a number that does well on tests!

The good news is I'm pretty sure I've satisfied every requirement for gen.ed AND my major so I am thinking of taking ceramics and sculpture this semester to finish up. Easy classes-go figure!

So, I have printed out my take-home exam from Social and Political Philosophy ( I love you Professor Bennett, you cool-ass, beret wearing, fascinating man) so I'm off to bed to annoy my husband with brainstorming.

Ta.

CORNCAKES?
I was just reading the comments in IA's blog and was reminded of a corn pancake story....

The whole crew was in Arizona for the wedding of good friends about 8 years ago. The east coast contingent rented rooms next to each other, shared some of the rooms, hooked up, line danced and spent a week drinking pool water as we lay about hung over every day for a week. But here's the story...

We headed out for breakfast on day one. We were up stupid early so me, San, Mikey and Brucey headed off for parts unknown. San and I were buck wild party girls and Mikey and Brucey are Long Island boieyyyzzz and were like something straight out of Goodfellows. We found a little restaurant and tried not to attract too much attention. Right.

The waitress looked just like one of the Von Trapps, all blond, braided, scrubbed and fresh looking. She wasn't ready for us. As she approached the table with her good morning song at the ready, Mikey barks at her- "Yo, sweetheart. Four cwoffeez." It took 2 more times for her to understand 'coffee' as spoken by a New Yorker. She scurries off to find a translator and we look over the menu.

Mikey: What fuck are 'corncakes'?? (he says this loudly enough to turn every head in the place that wasn't already craned to check us out.)

Me: Mikey, shh- the waitress is right behind you!

Mikey: Right. Sweetheat-what the fuck are 'corncakes'?

You probably had to be there but it was the best week ever. To be young, carefree and still wild as hell. *sigh* Now Mikey's married with a child, Brucey married the mother of his child and has another, San is the mother of 3 boys, the married couple has the most adorable girl and even I am married happily with a baby on the way.

If someone had told us this years ago, during that week of floating around, dancing and drinking, we would never have believed it. I still don't :)

What a week

My brother called when he was feeling better. He's supposed to come up this weekend and we'll go to the doc together on Monday. We will also be having 'the big talk' while he's here. I have to be fair to me for a while. Tough stuff. Thanks for the good words...

I am in the homestretch with my classes. I'll be all done by next Wednesday so I'm doing finals and writing papers and glueing shit to refridgerator doors...long story but I'll post a pic and explanation next week.

Yesterday the tech at my doc's office let the sex of our baby kind of slip. I thought Bear would be furious but he wanted me to call back and get confirmation from the amnio. We know. He made me promise not to tell. Knowing has made a difference already. We both feel more connected to the little person inside me. It is not what we had planned but I guess that goes along with the whole theme of this pregnancy!

I have a new pasttime. I can sit and feel the baby moving around inside me! Isn't that the best?! Yesterday BB flipped over and that was a little uncomfortable--but very cool. I never thought I'd have children so the whole experience is kind of 'clean' for me, all free of expectations and all. Nice feeling. I know we'll be great parents. Here comes a child into a home full of love, manageable insanity, openness and joy. We have so many great friends, too. I am very excited today.

...

I am still wrestling with what to say to my brother. We both hate guilt so. Can't love be enough?

I've been putting this off...

My brother is my favorite person on earth so that gives him the super power to break my heart over and over and over and I never learn to stop loving him....

He got hit in the head with a fire extinguisher when he was in the Coast Guard. It put him in a coma and when he woke up he was the proud new owner of trauma induced epilepsy. It doesn't work out so well with his hypoglycemia and the meds make him feel pretty crappy.

In the dusk of the 80's he was really self destructive; doing illegal substances, eating poorly and just about killing himself every other month. My friend told me a story once of how they were all riding the white horse and he seized and was so stiff he was straight across the arms of a sofa for the entire 30 minutes it took for an ambulance to get to his place in Boston. I spent a chunk of time in therapy to insure I wouldn't have a complete breakdown if/when he ended up dead.

He has never really gotten around to taking excellent care of himself, but I thought he was getting better.

Not so.

He called on Thursday to tell me that he'd ordered Dilantin and it should be coming Friday. (Long story-he isn't real stable-he lives in a house where the deal seems a little shaky-he doesn't go 'home' for weeks sometimes...so we just have all his important stuff sent here.) Anyway, when he called I asked how many days he had left. He assured me he had enough to get through the weekend. I ask because I have a friend who's a pharmacist who could have given me enough to get him through.

He lied. Turns out he had enough through Friday.

So Monday morning I'm doing someone's hair and his friend from across the hall calls me.

pal: I think he's having a seizure. I thought his place was getting broken into there was so much noise. He is sitting up but there is some blood and he doesn't know who I am.

me: Call 911.

pal: He won't let me.

I knew this already. He is really combative when he comes out of a seizure and hard to deal with but he has a deep seated fear of ambulances because he's hypoglycemic, which presents like a diabetic coma but the first shot of glucagon will kill him. Even out of it, he is scared shit of ambulances.

So I have to listen while his friend cajoles him into his shoes to go to the hospital. I whip through the rest of the haircut and head to Providence.

I got stopped doing an even 100 miles an hour by a Rhode Island State Trooper. I was sobbing so hard he yelled at me to get myself under control. I had the directions in my lap so he knew I wasn't bullshitting....and he let me go. I kept it under 80 after that.

When I got there he was furious I had been called. He was so awful to his friend that his friend just left. He shoved me when I tried to tell the nurse about his seizure groups. He made me cry about 10 times that day--he was so awful to me. I know he can't help it but wow, it cuts deep.

So, he's okay now. He has an appointment at the VA here on Monday. It's 50/50 whether or not he'll show up. I'm at a loss. He won't let me help him with the stupidest things and I know I can't be doing this pregnant. I am high risk and I know from the way I have felt for the last 2 days that this kind of excitement can't be good for me. I have a headache that won't quit and all I can think about is him. I can hardly eat which is not very good for me at this juncture.

*sigh*

I find myself furious with my mother. She did such a shitty job raising us and he has never really recovered from the abuse and neglect. He's dealt with things in a much different manner than I have and his techniques aren't really working for him. There is just plain no talking to him about it. My heart is broken again.

I cannot turn away from him but I cannot continue like this. I feel more stuck and helpless about him than I ever have. I won't be ok if he dies. The last time he had a seizure at my place we took him to Yale. The neurologist there said that he doesn't get to do this a lot more. He said at some point he just won't wake up. He'll be in a vegetative state. I don't want to have to water my brother.

I feel so sad.