And then there's the whole issue of depression. I don't think I'm a sufferer, it's more situational. Like as it relates to Thanksgiving. I lost one of my dearest friends on a gorgeous, sunny, perfect Vermont heading into winter day, the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. It's been 10 years now. I was able to completely avoid the holiday for about 5 years. Then my friends, my good ones, started trying to help me not be such a nut about it. Those were some horrible holidays. I usually left crying by halfway through dinner. One year my dog Jack attacked a yellow lab puppy. I felt guilty because I was sure he was just channelling my angst and I yelled at him and wouldn't let him ride on my lap. He just gave me these really sad eyes and I had nothing for him. The good thing about holiday weekends is if you decide to stay in bed for 4 days, not bathe or speak, get up only to pee, well, no one notices.

The heaviness in my chest got better with EMDR therapy. I feel stupid to still be affected at this time but I have that old heaviness back again. I'm a bitch. I'm in a bad mood. My dog barking at the cookie jar on the counter doesn't make me smile, it makes me want to clonk him on the head with something that will make a lot of noise. Everything makes me cry. I won't take drugs so I'm just hanging around in a puddle of tears. I'm going to make up with the dogs and lie in bed and at least do homework. Ugh.

So, I hope our maybe-child doesn't get the blues, too.