weekend update

weekend update

:: Miss Rio ::
Miss Rio is used to her own bed. That makes me tempted to never leave home but, alas, social engagements beckon.

We headed up on Friday and I won't bore you with the sleeping minutiae, but it kinda sucked. Good thing about her is that when you pick her up after all the screaming, she is happy as can be. She stayed up eating Quackers and drinking juice and signing and singing and my hosts didn't really care if she *ever* went to bed! When we did, she kept screaming so I grabbed her up and lay down on my bed....and she fell asleep. Right there with me. Usually, okay, she never does that. Even when she needs a midnight snug or a drink, she wants to go back to her bed. Truly, her mother's daughter. So, yay us! Snugging! Sleeping! And I'm sure all the bruises and tender spots from being kicked and punched and flailed upon all night will fade soon...

:: The ParTay ::
So much fun. A friend's surprise 60th (my friends range in age from 12 to 112) and it was great to see so many Stowe peeps. I got a job offer or two, lots of reconnecting and catching up, and I had a really great time. So glad I went!

:: Bloggy Love ::
Whilst at the above mentioned party, I thought "Too bad Rock Grrl and her man weren't in Stowe *this* weekend cuz I would have brought them here and they would have had much fun!" And I'm pretty sure I have a hot lead for Mark that I need to follow up on.

And then, with all the driving time I called my pals and caught up and then had time to think of Jen and how hard it has been with her aunt dying and this poor woman and how much mean people suck, and I was wondering if the former Bond Girl was back and if she brought me a present....

And then, when I was driving up to Vermont, I saw a vanity plate that said "REMPDG" and I decided that it meant "rapid eye movement pretty darn good" and that made me think of Will and his gay sleep disorder and that's not even the weird thing. The weird thing is I passed the same guy with the REMPDG plate again on the way home!! Honestly, I'm having a very strange little life here....

and, she's up!

and, she's up!

She's walking. Some 14 months of physical therapy at least once a week has paid off!!

She does look a little like a drunk on a bed of hot coals....but she's walking! Oh, and she smirks when she does this, too. Looks at you, smirks, and starts the zombie swagger.

I totally love this kid! And now, we're off to Stowe for a party ... See you Sunday!

some things can still make me cry

some things can still make me cry

The Blogslog of '05 has me sifting through many many old posts. This one really hauled me back to the terror of the early days.

We are so comfortable with each other now. I know her so well and she works me like a job! It's a really beautiful place we're at, with each other. This motherhood thing is so working for us. I'm constantly amazed.

Yeah, so.

I'm more than halfway through sorting and posting to the new place. I don't want to send y'all over there before it's ready, but it'll be soon. I'm so excited about so many new things. Can't wait!

Thanks for stopping in and being such a wonderful person. You're the best!

the new place is looking great!

the new place is looking great!

I am getting closer to the big move. I just spent 3 hours importing stories from the years at AMA. I'm up to June of 2004. It is fun and strange and oddly exciting to read the stories and know that Rio is just around the corner!

I wish I could go back and tell me to quit worrying. Everything is going to be perfect :)

sweaty handed standoff

sweaty handed standoff

Rio crawled underneath my computer desk, over the rails and through the wires to come out the other side. On the other side is a chaise lounge. She is trying to pull things off my desk from the backside.

Glass globes? 'Sorry pal, not for you.' and I put a pile of post-it notes, markers with TIGHT CAPS, and some index cards that she could reach and play with.

So, she's standing on the chaise, I can see her from her armpits up, and she's barking orders at the things in her pile.

Except... That has become boring. So now she's faced away, with one foot up on the arm of the chaise and her hand on the window sill. She keeps looking back at me. I said, "Be carefullllll..." and she keeps smirking. Then popping up on the arm and back down. More looking and smirking.

Today may be gravity day.

I wonder

I wonder

We went here on Sunday to an Open House. It was very well attended and organized. We had a tour by a mom alumna and her daughter. The classrooms were really alive with colors and projects and the lower school art center had just about everything a kid could want to glue, mold, shape, color or texturize!

They had a really fun net playground and a working water pump. The building is old, the windows are huge, everything is really beautiful.

They have a million sports and all the girls I talked with played at least 4 so that's great.

I wonder if they have cheerleaders...?

big and exciting changes!

big and exciting changes!

The one and only, fabulous Mark is helping me with my new digs.

He did a bunch of magic today and this is what I gleaned from the conversation:

*I'm now toasted
*I can keep out the riffraff because I have their lurkylurk IP addresses!
*Something about a backend
*Something about more toasting
*I'm going to learn CMS using PHP and then I'll be down with OPP
*(fell asleep for a few minutes here)
*something about sheets (Oo! hope they're at LEAST 400TC)
*(looked at ebay and missed whatever he said here)
*asked if he realized that I wasn't really listening and if I need anything I'm just gonna call him anyway at which point he said 'Yup' and now I have some sort of megalopocybersis parked somewhere; location to be announced.

I have about a week's worth of organizing and rearranging and sourcing and kvetching and and and...I will provide more details when I, myself, understand what the hell they are.



So! In the meanwhile I'll keep posting here. As far as I can tell, I may still be posting here, but it will be showing up there, and here will only exist in the Matrix....

:: One quick thing ::

Well, two. Remind me to tell you about Lou. He's a kid we team mentor from DC and he's amazing. I'll fill you in once I clear it with him.

So, the one thing. Bear and I have Miss Rio pre-bath gymnastic camp on our bed. We throw her and she jumps and squeals and we do 'upside down baby' and everyone laughs really hard. So, Bear sticks his head under the edge of the comforter and Rio slowly crawls over and slowwwwly pulls it back and WHAM! Daddy says 'boo!' and Rio squeals and falls backwards. You know where this is going, right?

So, hide, pull, boo!, squeal, faint backwards, repeat, repeat, repeat. Scoot closer to the other side with each repeat until finally, finally, Bear and I are on one side of the king bed and Rio is all the way on the other side, making her funny eyes toward the ceiling I'm about to fly backwards face and, well, it would seem that being parents comes with SuperPowers. Bear flew into the air and I shapeshifted and melted around the bed so we simultaneously grabbed her foot and cradled her head and she was none the wiser as far as the near melon mangling went....

I'd be willing to bet that at some point we are going to have to actually prove to her that gravity exists.

happily ever after = total moron

happily ever after = total moron

Honest to Pete. I know he's spoiled because of his mother and then he got me and we both spoil him rotten to this day. I have no one to blame but myself but I sure wish that wasn't the case. I can't even stay pissed at him. At this rate, I'll be married to Bear the Bonehead for the rest of my life. *sigh*

8:00am

me: Bear, Rio's up.
bear: I think my back is broken. Can you go get her?
me: I'll get her, but I want you to get up so we can hit that yardsale to see if they have bookcases.
bear: I'm getting up in 4 minutes...

8:30
me: Bear, here's your coffee. I want you to be at your banker's by 10 so you can get back early enough for us to do something and I want to go to the yardsale together.
bear: I'm hungry.

9:00
me: yelling upstairs Bear, your french toast is getting cold. Get.Up!
bear: I know, I'm coming...

9:30
me: You really need to get going. You should be walking out the door.
bear: I'm just gonna let the dogs out and print off directions.

10:00
me: GET OUT OF THE BASEMENT. GET OFF THE INTERNET. GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR!
bear: Whaaaaat?

10:45
me: Bye. We are leaving. She needs a nap soon and I need bookcases so we'll see you whenever.
bear: Where are you going?
me: Seriously?

11:15
me: calling from the yardsale They have a great workbench thingie here that would get all your stuff organized in the garage so perhaps I could park in there.
bear: Where are you? Oh! I know this! I'll be right there.

So, he gets there, nixes the perfect bench, informs me that he has a 'plan' for his 8 tons of shit on BOTH SIDES of our 2 car garage. Then he grabs Rio and starts dancing around with some orange safety gear hat that looks like this on his head and he and Rio are laughing their heads off.

It is tough to stay mad at a moron. Especially a funny moron. Especially a funny moron who actually bought the hat and who is probably wearing it at the bank right now....

PT and the sitting baby

PT and the sitting baby

Luckily, our physical therapist from Early Intervention is lovely and perseverant. I, as you all know, am neither.

Our appointments are kind of helter skelter because Rio sleeps all the time. We used to be at noon, but then she went to one nap from 11-1 ish. Then we got moved to 8am. Unfortunately, at least 50% of the time when Diana arrived, the entire household was asleep. Soundly. So now, we fit in here and there.

Tuesday at 3:30 Rio looked positively shocked to see Diana. We invited her in and Diana started to set up the living room so that Rio might transfer and then she stacked toys all over the place so that Rio might get up, but she was happy sitting on my crossed legs.

Long story short - we always get to stop when both Rio and I are crying. Diana holds Rio about 3 baby paces from me and I try not to grab her when she dives and Diana tries to get her to stay standing and it's all pretty terrible in the name of walking. Finally, I sniff and say, "I think that's enough for today," and Diana agrees. Rio has taken a couple little steps so that can be written in her log and we can all feel good about the fact she may eventually have a need for all the shoes I've already bought her....

So, Rio is playing with this. She's standing at a low table, kind of grumbling and complaining about the mean giants and then she takes the cucumber and stands it on it's end - so it is standing up like a flagpole. Diana just looks at her and smiles and shakes her head.

me: What? That's okay, right? She loves to stack and balance things. Really, a velcro-ed together cuke is a natural extension of that. Right? Right?

di: It's just that I have never seen another child do that with this toy. Ever. Her fine motor skills are really off the chart!

me: Yeah, maybe that will translate into walking?

di: Yeah, maybe.

She continues to mystify and enchant and just tickle me to pieces. I used to wait for the other shoe to drop. Wait for all the hysteria and the headless chicken running and the exhaustion that is to be brought on by babyhood. So far, I'm good. Maybe I'm stupider than everyone else, highly possible, but I'm just having the best time with her. She cracks me right the hell up.

We're 'not allowed' to buy the same toys the PT has. The PT needs to be able to engage and blahblahblah so I hope she's not pissed next week to see I broke the rule. Maybe Rio will be juggling them by then. :)

BOO!

BOO!

Okay, here it is: the Halloween picture post.

First, my friend Erudite. She looks like Darryl Hannah, but only on Darryl's really good days. Not those days when she seems to have rolled out from under a bus...



Now, Parkie the Giraffe. She is the master of all things at a very well-known design firm. I hope she rigged giraffe snot to drip out of her nose!



Rio had 2 costumes. One was Tigger...



And her best friend, Boobah, was a lady bug. Here she is getting ready to give Rio a big kiss and Rio was busy trying to count her teeth.




This is what I image a post sugar buzz would look like, if we gave the kids any candy WHICH THEY OBVIOUSLY DON'T NEED!



So, after a costume change we went outside for a little wagon time. Here she wonders, "Did I remember to bring my juice? Why do I have to keep changing clothes? Would Thing 2 like to ride?"



And then her dad arrived home, to rescue her from all the costume changes and giggly mom kisses.

don't get mad, but....

don't get mad, but....

Timing is everything...

:: rough night ::

But a great day! I worked and worked feverishly (just in case my slave driving boss from the aforementioned yob is checking in!) and then headed to Boston at 1:15 to take my godson and his roommate to an MRI appointment. Traffic was insane and I didn't get home til almost 7. Due to daylight savings time, I missed Rio's bath and bedtime. I know it's good for her to have other people around and for us to "do our own things" once in a while and yada yada yada...but I really missed her.

Bear said she started signing for 'bedtime' around 6. Kept it up. So, he bathed her and put her to bed and she went right down. So, in no rush, I picked up beer and sushi and we had a nice dinner....but I missed her. A lot.

I'm such a sap.

:: hott to trot ::

In other silly news, I cut Bear's hair this morning and he looks super DUPER hott. That reminds me... I'm seeing Dr. Interrrrrrcourse tomorrow. How can I best and most delicately explain to him that it is time to throw some boots up in the air? Suggestions? Anyone?!

:: big changes ::

So, you know how you 'want' things to look? On your blog? Well, I have decided to make it happen. It's gonna be new and improved and soon. Lots of links, RSS feed, all the junk I have no idea what it is but NEED...soon. After I finish this big project that I ignored while I was sick all frigging month.

:: fear factor ::

I think I'm addicted to cough syrup. It's not funny. It's rotting my teeth and drying my sinuses and I'm afraid to try to sleep without it. But on the upside, lalala, I sleep like I've been shot with a tranquilizer dart. For like 9 hours. Straight. Wake up with dog hair stuck all over me cuz the wretches are all sucked up on me like I'm some sort of heat source. And I don't care! Cuz I wake up buzzed!

How pathetic. Can you see it now?

me: Hi, I'm Nita and I'm addicted to Nyquil.
all: Hiiiii, Niiiiitaaaaaa.

So sad. So sad.

Christ on a Crutch...

Christ on a Crutch...

...as my darling grandmother used to say.

Listen, avoid reading the last few comments in my 'thank you' post below. I'm actually busy with a busy life and busy plans and a busy baby and, well, you get the idea. I'm getting flamed from that Clare bit. Now I have to learn how to delete unwelcomed and rude comments. Maybe later.

Loads happening. Some I can talk about, some I can't right now. But, loads happening. I've found in my life that really wretched things need to be turned around or they sit around like little black flecks on your soul AND THEY BUG THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU. So, to avoid that, I've been scrambling and some great stuff is in the pike. Believe me, you'll be the first to know. _{*wink wink*}

So, I am sifting through AMA and only saving the really fun or really relevant posts from the past 3 years. It's like a sage smudge for my space here. I'm going to ignore the flamers from here on in, smudge like a maniac, and proceed.

The greatest thing that came out of this heartache is the support I got from you guys. I knew a lot of my non-blog savvy friends keep up with All-Things-Rio here. I've gotten a bunch of really nice emails and the things you guys said....really wonderful. So, AMA will continue. In some form. I'm still ducking a ridiculous shitstorm so I'm working more than blog checking, but that'll calm down. The hateful detest the happy so I'm sure I'll go back to boring those people soon enough.

Really though.... I totally love you guys. *sniffffffffffffffffff* On that note, moving right along....



:: weekend update ::

Yob
I got a job. A guy I 'know' from Blogsylvania set out on his own about a year ago. Talented, charming, hard-working... we all wished him well. Then I parked a business idea with him, for later consideration. Then a couple of months after that, he got jammed up and voila! I have a job. That I love. That I reallllly have to get back to. But, yay me and the readers of Advanced Maternal Age who have faith that I can write copy without profanities. Tough, but I'm fucking-a slugging through....

Bear
Continues to be the perfect husband. Continues to say quite loudly, "Get me a beer bitch, and hurry the hell up!" every time I'm speaking to my mother. Continues to host my friends for weeklong visits with a genuine smile. Continues to hand over cold, hard cash to support my 'causes'. Continues to tell me I'm great and Rio is lucky to have me as a mom and I have great friends so quit worrying about stupid shit. Continues to make me happy that I said, 'Uh, sure, I guess...' when he asked me to marry him.

Rio
What it's all about, non?! She is signing like crazy. I think I'm 'Bobby', although she can say 'mmmm', she elects not to. Sleep? All over the map but luckily, I'm home with her so we're riding this transition together. She's found her scream, which makes everyone laugh. She and Hobbes are doing really well. He's a happy member of the Prozac Nation and Dr Dodman is the best 4 hundred smackers we've ever spent.

I still call her 'Monkey' so much that she answers to it. I tried 'Princess' for a day, but only Hobbes responded....

my new life
Mostly, I'm glad to have made a couple of really nice mom friends. Nice children, we all parent alike, we were all remarkably similar 'pre-babe' and I'm enjoying my outpost a bit more. Winnie is my soul sister who is finally coming to terms with the fact that she really is knocked up to the tune of 5 months despite being on the Pill AND breastfeeding!!! and I'm thankful every day to have another amazing friend in my crazy huge group of amazing friends.

my confession
Part of the research I'm doing is on Georgia. I am so in love with it right now that I totally want to move there. Hell, it's snowing here people. In friggin OCTOBER. I spent my childhood in Vermont being froZEN from September 1st until June 15th. With Bear and his sick, sick addiction to air conditioning, I need to live where I can get some heat! Holla if you hear me ;)

really though...
Sorry for the drama. I promise you and me (and especially the wonderful Bear) to ignore anything that happens as a result of people I don't give a fat rat's ass about. We good?

who?

who?

I have no idea who 'Bobby' is, but she's been saying his/her name constantly for the last 2 hours.

life is good

life is good

I rarely have bad days. Most days I'm grateful to be on the planet, grateful for my unbelievably great friends, grateful for my happy family life, just grateful. That's what makes bad days bad for me. The way they hit me in the solar plexus and steal my smile. So, today I'm back in the saddle. It was one of those days; those kind of days I usually have.

Today I

...read a great story by Jack who doesn't want links cuz he's way too popular already

...talked to crazy mom who forgot all about me hanging up on her yesterday

...visited with one of my favorite people who is living in a gorgeous mansion in Milton and we're going swimming there as soon as the heater in her pool is fixed

...drove just under the speed limit all the way back from Boston so I could steal a million glances at Rio while she was sleeping in her carseat. her face flushed, her eyes fluttering, her lips pursed - heaven

...loved the dogs all up

...watched a little television (I watch too much when I'm sad)

...looked at Bear and thought, "Ai, chihuahua he's caliente!"

...enjoyed how a beautiful day looks even more beautiful through my rose glasses (I really do have rose colored glasses. I'll take a picture!)

...made a date with my new mom friend who rocks the planet. she'll get her own post soon :)

...shaped my toenails

...painted the hallway 'hazy lilac'

...found my mofo mojo

Here's the thing...

Here's the thing...

When I was in 7th grade I was madly in love with Alex. He gave me my first hickey and my first real introduction into how much a young heart can swell at the sight of another person. It ended, as those things do, but it ended well. We stayed very close all through high school. He went to college in Michigan and a couple of years I flew out there to make the drive home with him. We'd go through Canada and make an adventure of it. One year I was living in Florida and he and his frat brothers drove a Winnebago down to Fort Lauderdale and I drove up from Palm Beach to see him. There were drunk boys passed out all over that thing. It was one of the funnest weekends ever.

The Thursday before he died in a silly little car crash, he asked me if I thought I was reaching my potential doing hair. I told him 'Probably not but I'm making a boatload of cash' and we kinda laughed at that. But then he told me how much he respected my brain. Nice way to end things, I guess.

I think he was supposed to rule the world at some point. Awesome guy. The kind of guy that stays with you, twelve years after he left. That kind of guy.

I really do think of him often. I honestly believe that he visits me in my dreams. We've gone skiing, gone out to eat and last night I helped him brainstorm on an environmental situation. Evidently he's an environmental attorney in heaven. Really nice penthouse apartment in a highrise, too. White dog. But anyway.

Here's the thing. I've often thought of writing to his mother. Just to tell her that he's still alive in me. I wouldn't tell her about our visits, just that I continue to have a place in my heart for him.

Should I?

tough stuff

tough stuff

So, yesterday we got back from the license debacle and had lunch with Bear. Rio napped from 11:00 til 12:15. We all threw down some food and by 1:00 Rio and I were headed to Whole Foods Market, the grocery store that makes me giddy with glee.

DING DONGGGGGG...(BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK ad nauseam)

me: Hello, how can I help you?

one of 3 women: I'm (BARKBARKBARK) with (BARKBARKBARK).

me: (thinking 'odd time of day for Jehovah's Witnesses') I'm sorry, you're who?

1 of 3: We're (BARKBARKBARK) from the (BARKBARKBARK) Agency.

me: Agency?

1 of 3: Ye(BARKBARKBARK)s, the Early Intervention program? We have an appointment to see Rio today?

Well fuck. I completely forgot about that appointment and I hadn't looked at my book in days because for days I HAD BEEN TRYING TO GET TO THE FUCKING GROCERY STORE! So, I invited them in. With lunch dishes on the counter. And the rowing machine in the middle of the family room. And Mo and Ron trying to lick their faces.

***

They test a child on 6 different competencies. I can't remember them because the seriousness of having 2 nurses and a social worker finally hit me.

Something is wrong with Rio.

She is advanced in her fine motor skills. I'd love to bore you to death with how she poked her little finger into the scoop of the woman's hand where she had tried to surreptitiously palm a peg, but you'd soon grow weary. Her fine motor skills, reasoning skills and communication skills are advanced for her age.

She is on target with mimicking.

Her gross motor skills are 2 months behind. She's where an average 7 month old is. She'll be 10 months on the second.

I knew that would be the case. I'm not stupid. I see all the other babies in yoga crawling and rocking and side sitting and some of the little fuckers are standing up. They are all a lot younger. Rio sits happily, enjoying the goings on without feeling compelled to jump up and run around.

It was just hard to hear it.

Then last night I started to read more about the program. I called them initially because our new pediatrician recommended them; said Rio's torticollis would qualify her. I wonder if he had something else on his mind. Fucker.

***

I am anxious in the clinical sense. I have spikes of sweaty palms. My face flushes when a wave of anxiety breaks over my consciousness. I feel like crying and screaming and I don't know how to cope with the helpless feeling I have. All this since yesterday when I got the news.

Sub-normal gross motor skills.

I know many people out there have much bigger problems. I know we're so fortunate that her early and tough start is having so little effect on her growth. I know I know I know. But I still feel like crying. And screaming. My face is still hot and I still worry I might just fly off the earth because of the molecules of terror flinging themselves against my skin from the inside.

rip van baby

rip van baby

It has been a tough weekend/beginning of the week. Much running about, much oddness of schedules, much much. So, last night we were all exhausted. Quick bath, fast bottle, short book and Miss Rio is sound asleep by 8 o'clock. Bear and I head for bed just after 10 and are asleep by just after 11. Early for us.

This morning I woke up first, looked at the clock and was shocked to see 7:59. I woke Bear up and went in to see Rio. Sound asleep. Usually her little noises wake me up in the morning so I never set the alarm. Not today.

We went downstairs and had coffee together. Little wakeup noises coming from the monitor at 8:20. I gave her 10 minutes and then went to get her. Change, bottle, bananas and dressed. Today, I think, we're getting out of here early.

So, I get a phonecall from another mother with a baby with torticollis and plagiocephaly. We talk for 35 minutes. It's hard to go back there, but I'm happy to help. While talking to her I get dressed so we can get to Whole Foods Market and back before Bear comes home for lunch. Rio is playing and starts squeaking at 10:45. I say "No way kiddo. We're going to the grocery store. You just woke up!" and she plays for a few minutes. Then she looks at me and gives me the squeak again.

I know this squeak. This is how she says, "Naptime for me!". One more squeak and I'm putting her down at 11:05. She's asleep already.

Rip Van Baby.

I'm not complaining, really. I don't want to consider the alternate reality of a child that doesn't sleep. It's just hard to leave the house between all the sleeping and eating and sleeping again. Oh well, I guess I'll change the beds and try again this afternoon.

And, IA's right - misery does make for better blogging. I'm boring myself today.

ummm... ahhh, uhhhh...

ummm... ahhh, uhhhh...

So I'm supposed to guest blog. I need to gather my thoughts first - there's so much to write about. I'll figure something out and write tomorrow.

Right now I'm doing some patent research for the company I used to work for. It's a good gig but it gets pretty dry. I entertain myself by hiding secret messages in the applications I write and playing around with my invoice template to make my invoices just right. It's really all about sending them the pretty, symmetrical invoices every month. I giggle every time I email one to the accounts payable woman. She's cool: we make fun of the CEO, we make fun of the company in general, we wonder when he's going to bail out and pull the ripcord, unfurling his platinum parachute. She always gets my check cut in the very next check run. She's the best.

This month's check will get us a fenced-in back yard, something to corral Mo and Ron. I can't imagine what they'd kill and drag out of the swamp if they got loose. Something really stinky I'm sure.

I miss Nita and I miss Rio. They smell good...

a moment

a moment

Bear came home tonight and we 5 (Bear, me, Rio, Jack and HObbes) all laid down on the floor in the family room. Rio was taking things out and putting things in a cookie jar toy, having great fun. I fell asleep for a minute and Bear offered to give her a bath. I went upstairs to prep for her arrival: jammies, warm bottle, book, bed turned down, Pooh in place. They came upstairs and we dressed her. Bear played 'where's daddy?' with the towel over his head. She was cracking up as I dressed her for sleep.

It was when she was having her bottle, that moment I'm talking about. She was laying back in my arms, leaning into me, as I held her bottle for her. My pinkys stick out, some sort of genetic quirk. She has it, too. My pinky was out and she started playing with it. Used her index finger to trace around the tip a few times. Slid all of her fingers over it and squeezed. Then just rubbed her hand over mine and settled it there, so softly. We looked into each other's eyes as she finished the bottle. Her look said, 'No book tonight, k?' and I put her to bed.

It is those moments; the soft caresses we share, the gazes that seem packed with psychic messages, the nonsense language that will bring a smile that tells of a secret joke...it is these moments that define motherhood for me. That connection that feels as huge as the universe and as comfortable as my own skin.

inordinately saddened

inordinately saddened

He's gone. Got the news while watching one of the zillion repeats to which I am committed. I cried through the whole thing. I'm so sad. I wonder if it would be too strange for me to attend his funeral. Bear thinks so. Oh well.

Goodnight good sir. May your next adventure treat you well.

i'm shallow

i'm shallow

I told myself she needed a little break.

I told myself her head is looking amazing these days.

I told myself she's been sleeping on her left side of her head in the car and maybe it would be good for it to be just flat against her carseat.

I told myself that no hats would fit, even though it was warm enough today to go from the car to the building without one; which is what we did.

I told myself if I put the reindeer horns on her she'd need the hat so they didn't scratch her head AND that they would slip off the plastic.

I told myself that Bear is trying to get established in the pecking order at his new company and maybe Rio's 'condition' would become something that people whisper about.

I told myself that these were the reasons I left her helmet at home to go to Bear's work party.

I told myself it's not because I'm embarrassed. So why do I feel so ashamed of myself today?

poof!

poof!

Just like that, it's over. Tonight I laid Rio in her crib and she curled up onto her left side and fell asleep. You know, on the side she refuses to acknowledge even exists. The side that is only present in an alternate universe...she's sleeping on it right this very second. *sigh*

I will still have to continue with the stretching and PT because there have been physical ramifications from looking only to the right for so long, but I remain hopeful. Months of arguing with her and stretching her neck and curling her in a sideways ball and playing 'look at me jingling balls and blowing whistles and squeaking toys on your left side!!!' have paid off. *sigh*

AND we went for a head check today and she's made improvement there, as well. They have a model of her head from the casting and its on a stick which is more than a little creepy but we could really see where her head is changing. Thank the universe we're having some success. I hadn't realized how crooked her little noggin really was....

On a funny note, the therapist who Rio sees at Cranial Tech has that super thick hair. She also has some kinda objectionable highlights but whatever. Her stylist committed a very common and amateurish sin of leaving a long strand that comes from behind the ear. So, she has a bob with a wisp. I noticed it 2 appointments ago but now that I'm a mother I'm in training to not embarrass my daughter all the time so I'm practicing now because, frankly, it's going to take a lot of behavioral modification so I'm needing the headstart. Anyway, she said something about it today.

tech: (curling hair behind ear and pulling on her errant tail) Look at this silly thing!

me: Yeah, I noticed.

tech: You did?

me: Yup, 2 appointments ago. If you get me the office scissor I can fix it for you.

tech: OMG! Thanks!

She leaves the person training with her standing there and goes to get scissors. Bear is with us (more on that in a bit) so he tells the trainee that she'll be lucky enough to deal with super cute babies like Rio. Then he holds Rio up about 2 feet from her face and Rio lets out THE LOUDEST BELCH!!!

Tech returns with scissor and I fix up the spot and resist the urge to blend her layers, as well....

:: snow day ::

Bear did not pack the car last night as I recommended. He also did not set the alarm for a reasonable hour that he would likely get out of bed for, as I recommended. Instead, the alarm went off at 4am, 4:30 and 5:00. He called in snowbound at 7. I truly hate it when he does that and he does it often. So, I suggested he pack the car after Rio's appointment and head out before it gets dark. It is almost 8pm and he's in his office dinking around on the net. He'll SAY he's doing important stuff, but he's fibbing.

:: witness ::

We went shopping on Sunday. Madness. I did witness a few nice things.

* While waiting for Bear to pick up something in Circuit City I saw a great old yellow lab in the front seat of a big SUV. He was chill, just looking around. Had one of those great faces, all white with age. His 'dad' came out, a portly man of around 50 and the dog got into the driver's seat, all tag wags and smiles. The man stood outside his car with the door open so the dog could properly kiss his whole face before he made the dogger move over. Then he continued to pat the smiling dog on his head. Sweet.

*Bear was wanting to go into Starbucks and a car was coming out of a spot in their crazy small, crazy busy lot. He could see that another car around the corner was there first so he didn't just zip into the spot. Car one pulled out, car two pulled forward and Bear waved him on. He continued past the spot and smiled and waved. Guess he was on the way out anyway...

The rest of the day was the usual pushing, shoving, cutting in line, yelling at children disaster that you might expect.

naptime

naptime

Rio, on her side, arm outstretched with her fingers gently laid on my arm, baby fingers doing a slow dance. I lean over her and rub my nose on her cheek which makes her smile, and her eyes softly and slowly close, open, close. Jack is curled up at her feet, touching against her to keep her toes warm. Hobbes is curled opposite Jack, they are like seashells that have gathered the warmth of the sun on the beach; now they share that warmth. I tuck my toes into the V between the dogs. Rio's sweet baby breath whispers across my face. We all doze off.

just a few quick things

just a few quick things

:: Starbucks ::

Actually got behind one of those people who ordered a, lemme see if I can get it right, a 'half caf skinny cap no foam'.

What is the fun of a cappucino without the foam?

:: potty mouth ::

I've decided, after a short review of my blog, to say 'feckin' in place of 'fucking' in just about everyother cocksucking sentence. I have a feeling Rio is going to be in trouble when she hits kindergarten.....

:: my friends ::

Best on the planet. You all know who you are. How on earth did I get so feckin' blessed?

:: friday ::

Supposedly that's the day we close on the house in Massachusetts. Pretty exciting stuff. Bear wants us to sleep there on Friday night. We have no furniture, no refrigerator and a baby and 2 dogs. I pointed this out and he said, "So, do you wanna?"

Gotta love that guy.

:: speaking of loving that guy ::

He is staying with my Baby Brother. BB can work my nerves like no one on the planet but I also love him like crazy and he doesn't do it too often...

Bear is staying with him. They watch a variety of cartoons every night until it's time for Bear to go to bed. BB typically stays up til 2 am... BB gets up every morning at 6 to make coffee and breakfast for my darling husband. AND he has a gourmet meal on the table for him when he gets home. Last night was a scallop and shrimp casserole. I fear he's getting spoiled and mentioned that.

bear: Don't worry. He lives close now. I'm sure he'll come over to cook.

Yeah. My first staff member. His Christmas bonus could be great.....

november 22nd

november 22nd

I should write this out first and edit it and make sure it makes sense but I don't think that's going to happen. I really need to get this just plain out of my system. Looking at the pictures causes my chest to tighten up but writing it out always helps....

On November 22nd we took Rio to Cranial Technologies to have her head cast. First there were pictures from all angles and she looked left, right, and up with little prodding. The pictures were perfect. Then came the casting.



First the really lovely woman put a stocking over Rio's head and cut a mouth hole for her to breathe and scream out of. It was a little high so I had to keep pulling it down so it was lined up with her mouth. She was howling.

Then the tech applied strips of plaster of paris over my baby's forehead, over the top of her head, around the sides and across her back of her head. Bear had to hold Rio's arms down at her sides. Bear said to take pictures because if we did ever want to see it and hadn't taken pictures, there would be no turning back. So I snapped.



I had flashes of the prisoners trotted out on Iraqi television with the bags over their heads, helpless. My heart wrenched out of my body in about a million different directions. I was hot, cold, scared, furious and shaken to the core. I wondered what the hell I had done to her that her head wasn't perfect. Did I sleep too much on the one side I had been told to? Did I get improper nutrients that made her head softer than usual, not resilient?

Could I have done anything differently to have avoided this torture for my child?



I bawled like an idiot through the whole procedure. It takes ten minutes to cast although it feels as if a solid piece of my soul was chipped away in those minutes. I couldn't think about it for days afterward and have been prone to tears regarding this whole situation. I know Rio doesn't know what's going on, really, and intellectually I know I haven't done anything 'wrong' but my first lesson in parental helplessness really sucks.

Monday we pick up her 'band'. I still don't know how I feel about it.

:: bulges ::

Marion won last night. She was in fine form and took everything except overall winner. That is a hard category to judge because the bodies from the different weight/age classes can look so different. We had a fabulous time, made some new pals and I have a diet I'm going to try to lose my mothermound, aka my belly :)

In other bulgey new...we head out in about an hour to Cranial Technologies. Bear and I are already arguing because it's Rio's 1st naptime and I'm concerned about getting her up and dressed in time for the appointment half an hour away and *he* says if we don't dress her we'll have plenty of time and *I* hold onto my desire to put clothes on her instead of shlepping her all over in her pajamas. I'm loosening up on this one, but it still rubs me the wrong way.

:: drunk ain't always funny ::

So we went to a comedy show after dinner last night, Marion and I. The headliner was a laugh out loud riot. We were howling and the guy was a real piece of work. For about an hour. Then he started drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks. The sad feeling of watching him slide from funny to mean to virtually incoherent is still hanging with me. I guess I always feel that way about people with a gift and the odd inner compulsion to murder that gift that is so often an accompaniment to said talent. There is a lot more swirling about in my head regarding this one but I have to shower and get ready for what I'm dreading....

:: the good, the bad, and the ugly ::

:: the good ::

Rio has whacked her melon the slightest bit out of shape with all the right facing and sleeping action. It's called 'positional plagiocephaly' and it scares the living shit out of me. Luckily, this place is all about dealing with it AND we caught it early enough that the slight problem should be no problem at all.

:: the bad ::

It costs $3000 dollars for this lovely hat. Previously, our insurance company paid for this with no problems. Our out of network deductible is $300 and that's what it would cost us.

Now, Cranial Technologies is negotiating with our insurance company, which will not be named unless I have to sue them, to be in network. For those of you in the know - this means that it will no longer cost Sucky Insurance, Inc. $3000, it will cost the negotiated 'usual and customary' amount, which is argued about by the companies. Who cares, right? Well, of late our insurance company has imposed an 'allowable' of $2100. This means Sucky Insurance will only agree to pay $2100, less our deductible of $300 which is $1800 and we will be responsible for the other $1200. Nice, huh?

I am ready to do battle. I know our attorney General hates insurance companies. Rio photographs well and this should be interesting.

:: and now, the ugly ::

... low lights. wonderful conjugal stuff that you don't really want to know about... bear heads to the bathroom to dispose of interim barrier method...

bear: I have some interesting news. turns up lights exposing the shredded condom still on his, uh, ah, manhood.

me: Oh. My. Fucking. God. forgetting completely about my new resolution not to say G*d....

bear: Well, Rio is so great. One more would be fun, no?

~the next morning at 9:01~

me: Hello Nurse. I need to speak to someone about emergency contraception.

nurse: Oh my.

me: Exactly.

Soooooooooo. This morning for breakfast I had left over cat fish and a banana. That doesn't mean anything, right?

:: 4 month check-up ::

Rio weighed in at 14.5 pounds and 26.5 inches. She is around 75th percentile for weight and off the chart for her height. She still seems like a peanut to me but when I look at pictures I can't believe how big she's getting. She had her shots and recovered like a champ. She is in good spirits tonight and is talking to herself in bed as we speak.

She had cherry Tylenol. The very first thing besides breast milk and formula ever. She took it without incident and I think that's why she's feeling ok now. One of the injection sites has a little blood visible in the bandaid and Bear said he had the overpowering urge to punch the nurse in the face while she was giving shots. Perhaps Rio and I should do the doctor thing alone from now on....

One distressing note: her melon is a little funky. She still sleeps only on her right side, although her range of motion is improving greatly. Dr Cohen is referring us to Cranium Technologies for a head piece. Bear is hoping they have t-shirts with their company name. Dick. Doctor Cohen feels that Rio could use a band to straighten out the slope of her head. I plan to glue rhinestones all over the thing. That or antennae. Maybe plastic daisies.....

I'm trying not to freak out and doing an okay job. I know her head is malleable, I know it isn't a huge deal and I know it is best for Rio and so it will be done. I also know when she's the president or something we'll be able to make great cash selling the photos to Star Magazine. *sigh*

:: dog day ::

Petey came to my friend Orra via the pound. Orra volunteers and walks the dogs twice a week. Awesome, huh? I call it 'dog shopping'. She used to insist she was just helping and would not want to have a dog right now blahblahblah and then Petey came in off the street.

She was abandoned, full of belly tumors, not burdened with a lot of teeth and filthy beyond description. It was looking like her days were numbered because the pound can't afford extraordinary medical care. Especially for old dogs. So, naturally, Orra took her home. On the first day Orra brought Petey to my house. We washed Petey. Four times. She was still a little stinky. Then Orra started with surgeries and doctors visits and specialists and we now call her 'bionic petey' cuz she's worth about 3 thousand dollars that Orra didn't really have.

Petey tried to hump Jack. She would pee with her leg in the air like a boy. She would beg and beg and then look over whatever tidbit she had wrangled as if she were inspecting it for bugs. She went to work with Orra at the bridal shop and brides would return just to see her.

Petey would look in the mirrors at Orra and then bark until Orra picked her up cuz she was all confused. She wore barrettes and loved catfood.

Orra came down from Vermont to help me pack up the house. Petey had a seizure the first night she was here. Apparently she also had a stroke because she was pacing and clucking like a chicken so Orra went right back home. Unfortunately, she had ridden down here with a friend and was riding back with another so I had to drive her halfway to Vermont last night. I said goodbye to Petey in the parking lot of a Friendly's and cried half the way home. I didn't have a good feeling about that clucking.

Orra's vet said it was time for Petey to go today. I'll miss that stinky, crazy, funny, sweet little dog.

:: back to the fun ::

Miss Rio was a ladybug for Halloween. She didn't quite know what to make of all of it, but the pictures were fun.



Bear was a Bee and I was a Cowgirl**.



** When we were filling out the paperwork at the hospital we were a little overtired, anxious and crazed.

bear: These are for social security. 'Father's occupation'. Writes Director of Technology Development SUI. 'Mother's occupation'.

me: I don't wanna be a housewife. That sounds boring.

bear: How about 'cowgirl'?!

me: Yes! Cowgirl.

Hence, the outfit. Told you the fun was back. Yeehaw. Now that the nugget is taking a nap I have to go pack my closet. More fun than a barrel full of monkeys.

:: blogger should be fun ::

And on that note, I've decided to cut a few of the blogs I read. I don't want to have virtual arguments so I'm only reading things that make laugh. :) I work hard to keep the reality light and manageable around here....yippykayay...

:: office space ::

If you haven't seen the movie, you should. I gather it's a bit of a cult classic and we enjoyed the weirdness of it immensely. Unfortunately, Bear has adopted the attitude of the main character rather deeply. Since giving his notice he has a whole new attitude.

BossMan: What would you say if we were to offer you a 30% raise?
Bear: I would say you should have done that a long time ago.
***
WorkerBee: Bear, aren't you supposed to be in the meeting that just started?
Bear: Well, sure, but I didn't feel like it.
***
WorkerBee: blahblahblah
Bear: Really? Well, I'm going to go take a nap now.
***
This is the best. Lillian is the secretary for X1 and X2. X1 has pissed through so many assistants that X2 had to beg Lillian to take over and help him out. The guy is an honest to G*d prick. So, knowing that both X1 and X2 can hear Lillian, Bear called in yesterday morning cuz it was after 9 and he hadn't even left the house to begin his 2 hour commute.

Lillian: Good morning.
Bear: Hi Lillian. I'm running really late this morning.
L: I hope everything's alright.
B: Oh, yeah, sure. It's just that there is this really good cartoon on and I want to see how it ends so I won't be leaving here for another 20 minutes.
L: (stifling a snort) Well, ok Bear, you need to do that. I'll let them know you're on your way shortly.
B: Thanks Lillian! I'll be sure to let you know how it ends!

He's completely outta control! At least he's having fun for the first time in years. That place. *sigh* He works in the most corporate hell for a guy who lied to his face and continued to short change him. He's had the crappiest bonuses and the HR woman who bailed last week told him how much the other Directors had gotten. Substantially more than Bear. It's like X1 enjoyed toying with my man. All is not forgotten. It is going to be very difficult to replace Bear. And not just cuz he's handsome and sickly amusing.....

:: today I was a bad mom ::

But it might have started last night. This morning I hear Hobbes go into the bathroom and drink out of the toilet. He rarely does that. Then when Jack heard him, he hopped off the bed and went into the bathroom with Hobbes. I know Jack can't reach the toilet so I went downstairs to check their water bowl.

Bone.Dry. With little lick-marks on the bottom.

I filled it with fresh, cold water with some icecubes and they both set to. It made me cry a little. We're all a little out of sorts.

:: cast your votes here ::

We're going to be house shopping. We're going to spend every last dime we have because it makes sense to have the most house we can afford now because we'll be better able to afford it as time goes on and making a percentage profit on a more expensive house yields a bigger profit. Yeah, whatever. But we're house hunting. Bear wants to sit down and decide on a list of things we really want in the new place. I know he's gonna need a place to put his stupid car**. I've come up with this:

*a library or room that can be turned into a library
*enough bathrooms so Rio can have her own
*whirlpool bath (Jack loves him a whirlpool bath!)
*breakfast bar in the kitchen

Feel free to submit your suggestions :)


** In our garage is a 1969 Ford Fairlane Cobra. Primed for the original canary yellow. All the original engine parts - in a box next to the car. No engine, flat tire, seats are out and the killer- he has had it since he was 18. He's the second owner. He has a death-grip on the sucker. He has told me at least 3 times that he needs to get rid of it because it reminds him of the fact that he is ever so slightly of the procrastinator bent. Like 18 years now. He thinks he'll someday soon restore it to its former glory and make a killing on it. Now, I think he should take a thousand bucks for it and buy a high risk stock and actually stand a chance of making money on it. I suspect he'll be buried in it.

:: if you want to know why I'm smiling all the time ::

Today Bear said that he sent me a copy of his resignation letter to proofread. I was in the car running a zillion errands so I said I'd have to get to it later. We had talked about him offering to continue in a consultancy fashion because he's the only one who understands their patent portfolio. So, we got home from a busy day and I've been cooking and making food and cleaning and just got a chance to check my email for his notes. He sent me a house that costs over 500,000 that I would love to live in but we can't possibly afford it. He also sent me this ( with names being changed to protect the dickheads and whatnot) :


November 2, 2004


Mr X1, Chairman
Mr X2, President
SecurityIzUs, Inc.
New York, NY


Dear Fric and Frac:


It is with regret that I inform you that I will be leaving SIU. I have accepted a position as a jungle guide for Jungle Tours, Inc., located on the west bank of the !Goorinnabway River in Zaire. My last day here will be November 12th, as I need to undergo a serious of innoculations and cavity searches at the Zaire Health Ministry prior to my trans-Atlantic journey. Fortunately, my rectum is quite relaxed due to the furious ass fucking I got here at SUI- there should be no problem getting the ol' sphincter-scope right up there, you know, to check for communicable diseases and such.

It has been a pleasure working with both of you and the rest of the SUI team. I have learned a lot. The biggest lesson I umm, learned is, umm, uhh, umm, that whenever someone says that they'll, umm, uhh, get me where I need to be, uh, uhh, ummm, they're full of shit! X2,you are a fucking lying piece of shit, prissy, wannabe elite executive, douche bag, ass licking loser. Riiiiggghhhttt. Grrreeaattt.... You suck! X1, ummmmmm, do you know that your mind is halfway down the toilet? Do you know that I have a file of things I've done for you so when you ask me to do it again a month or two later and again and again and again, all I do is go into the file, change the date, and give it to you as if I just did it? And then I go back to writing my fuckin' rap lyrics, yo? Whatthafuk? Go find a nice park bench to sit on so you can tell the pigeons how it was done in 1953. I'm sure they'll find it fascinating... so get your huge, fat ass into your horseless carriage and get the fuck outta here. You suck, too!


Sincerely,

BeaR


The CEO says 'greaaaaaat' all the time and once, at a conference, Bear counted how many times he said 'ummm' to keep himself awake during his presentation. I laughed until I wheezed when I read this. I don't know if you'll find it so amusing but I sure hope so!

He's accepting a new job tomorrow and quitting the one that he doesn't so much like tomorrow as well. Good times.

RIO JUST ROLLED OVER!!

I did manage to call all the important people before blogging it for the world but is anyone as excited as I am??!!

:: guilt ::

Evidently I'm going to have to work with a team of professionals if I'm going to escape being paralyzed by guilt. I went to see Marion's bodybuilding show in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. I couldn't sleep so I left at 6 sharp, hours before Miss Thing arises. I called way less than a hundred times but started missing her with all my heart by noon.

The show was fantastic. Lots of different bodies so the competition was hard to call. Marion placed third in heavyweight division and she looked f-ing amazing. I'll post pictures when my camera is talking to my computer again...

So, I kept having mini-bursting into tears episodes throughout the day. I didn't stay for the evening activities and missed a fabulous sushi dinner when I left at 3pm. I kinda felt like a bad friend. I wanted to get home in time for her bath. I was, in fact, consumed by getting home in time for her bath. I had to pee but didn't stop. I was running out of gas but was praying that I could make it. I was crying so hard I could barely see but I kept scrubbing at my eyes and driving like a bat out of hell. I made it home in time to jump in the tub with her and feed her and put her to bed.

I missed her terribly in the 12 hours we were separated. I realized anew I'm in the thick of a whole new ballgame.

I don't so much mind, either.

:: guilt as comedy ::

me: Bear, could you watch her for a few minutes so I can get dressed and grab a bite to eat?

bear: How do you usually get dressed?

me: I run back and forth to where I left her on the bed but now that she can roll over, it'll be a different story. So, please just take her and finish this bottle.

bear: ok.

Singing songs and feeding her and 'oo, you're a drooly julie' from the living room. Then she starts to cry. Bear can't seem to quite get his finger on the cause so he brings her into the kitchen where I've had 3 whole bites of a sandwich that I was able to hold with both hands....

bear: See, she just wanted her Mommy. She said, 'Oh no, not again. Don't leave me!'

Funny stuff.

.

*warning: content may be objectionable and depressing*

I got my period yesterday. Nevermind that in the ten or so years pre-pregnancy it had dwindled to a highly manageable day and a half affair and has now returned with a 'fill this uterus now it's so ready to go' vengence, nevermind all that. Nevermind that I have cramps that are causing me to lay about and whine and cry. Nevermind that for the first time since I can remember I have ruined a pair of panties, nevermind all that. Mind the cause of this cycle: byebye breastmilk.

'You did what you could.'

'Most people would have quit a long time ago with all the problems you had.'

'You said you'd be happy if you could breastfeed for 3 months and it's almost 4.'

Well meaning but I remain heartbroken. I didn't know this journey into motherhood would be peppered with these pitstops that so affect the way I feel as a woman.

I didn't choose to stop breastfeeding. I don't get to choose much these days. With Rio blessedly sleeping 12 hours through the night, that is a big chunk of time with no stimulation. With her being so much more efficient and evolving into more substantial and more spaced out feedings, less stimulation. Forget about the pump-I gave that sucker away. Forget about the drugs-I simply can't handle them. So, forget about breastfeeding.

Mind you, Rio is getting a bit flip about it, as well. Just this morning while latched onto the right one that has hardly worked since the beginning, well, she shot me a look as if to say, "Broken. Next."

So I switched her to the heavy hitter left breast. This morning I couldn't even hear swallows. Maybe one or two. Bear said to take her off and look at her tongue to see if it was milky. I told him that she gets the white tongue from the formula and that almost made me cry.

I will be gone to New Hampshire all day Saturday and I have a feeling that will be it. Stick a fork in it, it's over. No longer will I be able to walk around with her cradled against my breast, availing herself of the bit of breastmilk, while I prepare the bottle. She'll have to wait, yearning, for the ding of the microwave. Her first lesson in disappointment.

Not mine.

:: stupid busy ::

I use that expression. Is it an 'expression' or another one of those things that I make up then use all the time and then insist everyone says it?!

I'm stupid busy. It seems all of my hair clients have called to get in so I'm working when the sitter is here and even a couple of late nights this week. I'm tired! And I've been trying to get caught up on laundry mostly because my husband has taken to wearing verrry decorative t-shirts under his work shirts and he looks silly. So, I'll be off to the laundry room in a just a minute.

Today the painter was here and the guy came to give us a quote for making our lawn look like one and for turning our jungle into domesticated bushes and for mowing our lawn.

lawn dude: Boy, you've really let your yard go. I remember spreading mulch here and here and here last year.

me: Thanks for noticing, fatboy, but I've been busy and you didn't spread the mulch so much as you dropped it in the feckin' driveway and I lugged and spread it all over here and here and here.

lawn dude: Oh yeah, that's right. Well, it sure looked nice....

I know him personally so I want to give him the work but if he keeps saying how crappy the lawn looks I'm going to pop him one. Of course Rio was smiling and giggling at him like crazy. That girl is a flirt!

So, painter, then hair this afternoon, then the bank, bathed the babe and put her to sleep, cooked up some spicy catfish for dinner, more hair and I was just looking at a map online to see where I'm going on Saturday for a body building show, to lend support. Stupid busy. I just wanted to talk about.....

.... drum roll ....

There is an offer speeding its way to our mailbox as we speak. The 6 hour interview place really wants Bear and they've sent an offer already. The headhunter dude said he has never had a deal go into the works so quickly. They are totally telegraphing how much they love him so it'll be interesting to see what the offer is. We would have to move so I'll have to find new friends/doctors/veterinarian/dentist/deli/shoe store/park...but that could be fun. I'm excited and nervous and viciously behind in laundry so say a prayer or whatever...

I can't believe I'm going to tell you about this

But I obviously have boundary issues anyway...

We might have to sell our house. Our house that finally has been completely painted in fun and vibrant colors. Our house that finally has the furniture in the right rooms and most of the window treatments up and gorgeous. Our house where I'm trying to raise a baby and train some dogs and keep a husband happy. Mixed emotions about the move but it does seem inevitable these days...

So..my MIL is in real estate. She is, as I have mentioned before, fabulous beyond compare. She came over on Saturday to do a walk through to let us know what things we love that are too bizarre for the average home-buyer and what needs to be addressed structurally. Blahblahblah. So, I came outside with her and Bear to discuss the outside things about the house. We were walking behind the house toward the porch (that needs to be scraped, painted and adorned with new screens) when she stepped in the drainage dip for the deck. Well, she went down, albeit gracefully. When I turned around she was kind of rocking onto her side. I have the really bad habit of laughing hysterically when people fall so I was shocked but the laugh was already bubbling up when I ran to her side.

"Oh my God!" I shouted, forgetting that I don't say 'God' anymore. "Are you okay?"

And when I said 'Okay', I shot the mouthfull of cold pizza onto the top of her head. That made the 'fall' laugh really explode compounded by the 'I just spit pizza into my Mother-in-law's hair' laugh and, well, I kinda started to pee my trackpants a little. That caused a 'I can't fucking believe I'm wetting my pants' laugh which just turned a little wetting into a downpour, right into my socks. So I went running for the backdoor, knees together, pizza all over my face, screaming and laughing as I whipped my pants off completely forgetting I had no panties on but, really, at that point that was a minor transgression, and ran bare-assed into the house.

Keigel, shmeigal, I'm looking into surgery cuz that is just fucking retarded.

:: remembering what I never really forgot ::


That my man is hot. Hot. Sometimes when he's talking to me I don't really listen, just watch his lips and his tongue occasionally venture out of those lips and, mmm, well, just hot.

We went to dinner tonight. I wanted to get the full download about the interview while it was still fresh in Bear's mind. I called my SIL and BIL and they shot over here on short notice cuz they're rockstars like that. Then my darling BIL headed upstairs and I had to tell him he couldn't look at her until she was asleep because she's getting social and would so not want to sleep if she knew her fun Uncle Kracker and Auntie Lulu were just downstairs....

Rio was a mess trying to get to sleep after missing her afternoon nap, but that is another story. A story where everyone thinks I'm an overwrought first time mother that should just let the kid scream but it so isn't me kind of story but I digress.

We went to a great restaurant, delicious and fancy food and impeccable service. I wanted to hear all about the interview that lasted all day. I got it all and while I was listening to Bear (and watching his lips...) I was so feeling him. Just loving being his forever partner and looking forward to the adventures that lie ahead. He rocks and I know it and he knows I know it so that's a nice thing.

Can you tell I had 2 glasses of wine and a Baileys and coffee? I feel a little tingly....


AND...of course I looked in on Rio immediately upon returning home. She is so beautiful it makes me breathe a little on the shallow side, my heart is so swollen.

g'night!

:: the most boring update EVER ::

Marvel at my amazing karma. That can be the only explanation. Rio has been getting a tad crabby at bedtime and the naps are kinda starting to sort out during the day. Not great, but a glimmer of regularity is showing. Yesterday the sitter was here and Rio slept from 2-3:15. I wanted her to stay awake and to try to bump up bathtime a little bit. She fell asleep on her playmat! So damned cute. Lauren said that she was getting sleepy so I suggested the chiming toys on her mat. She played for a minute then surreptitiously stuck her fingers in her mouth and used the other hand to lay over her eyes and she dozed off. I picked her up to put her in her crib and that woke her up. SO...we ended up getting her in the bath quickly at 5:45 instead of around 6:30. She was out like a light by 7pm last night. Tonight we got a little behind but we were out of the bath by 6:40 and she had another bottle, boobie and was down at 7:05 and asleep almost immediately. NO fussing! She was just tired. So it looks like we need to get her into bed as close to 7 as possible. She is continuing to sleep a minimum of 11 hours, usually a solid 12. This is boring as hell unless you didn't sleep for 2 months straight. Not more than 3 hours. And I'm old:) So, I told you this was boring as hell but I am so thrilled that my baby is such a great sleeper. And that smile the minute she opens her eyes - we're dead meat.

:: company of my heart ::

Today my fabulous goddaughter and her equally fabulous mother stopped on the way to NYC. They are going in for Ali's birthday present; two days in the city and they'll be seeing 'Wicked' on Broadway and much fun and shopping at the American Girl Museum. I had the best 3 hours with them this morning. We've known each other for a long time now...leaving Stowe was hard because I realized how much of Ali's life I'd miss. Now with my own nugget, well, there is a bittersweet aspect to seeing the amazing young woman she's growing into. I just love the skin off that kid.

Friday my favorite aunt and cousin are coming from Wisconsin. I connected late with the paternal side of my family but these two make it feel like we never missed a minute. I am really looking forward to spending time with them and they can't wait to meet Rio, up close and personal. Yippee!

AND, as if that isn't enough excitement, my best friend Mich will be here the first weekend of November. We have a long and funner history which I'll relate soon. We crashed into each other at a million miles an hour and we spawned our own special universe. She is talented and funny and charming and beautiful and kind and equally as bad a drunk as I tend to be. For certain there are some embarrassing stories and I so promise to get to them.....

:: 2nd interview tomorrow ::

Blogger just lost the cursor so I'm typing and the words are magically appearing. Very cool. Very old school, you know, pre-cursor. Anyway...

I know they'll love my husband. He's a gem, no matter what he's doing. And he's f-ing brilliant and equally as handsome so...I've decided to accept that I'll probably be moving. I have decided to think of it as a great big adventure that I will love. If we move I'll take classes at RISD, find cool moms to hang out with, discover the best Italian deli on Federal Hill, shop at the new giant mall all the time and have lunch with Bear at least once a week.

I am a bit freaked at the prospect of packing up our lives here, but we'll be fine if that's what is the best thing to do.

:: dun.dun ::

But for now, I have to clean the guest room where Rio and I watch Dawson's Creek every day and sometimes get crackers on the guest bed. Law and Order is on and I know how to work the little TV in the guest room. The giant TV in the TV room with the 6 remotes is still out of my grasp.

**I warned you this was going to be boring. And I'm still so in love with this new and improved boring life ;)

can we even talk about how hot I am for my husband lately??

Yeah, I didn't think so. But something is up. I'd better run out and get my damned tubes tied.

:: bathtime is the best time ::

I often feel like I'm doing some sort of performance art when Rio and I take our bath. I have a flippy baby and we do our routine: toes and fingers with soap, get between all 20 digits with a baby facecloth, then the myriad of folds all over her body, shampoo the hair and wash the back and bum and then we play. Swishy baby, back and forth baby, swimming baby and reclining splashy baby. During this routine which, for reasons unknown, takes place in our smaller downstairs/guest bath, Bear sits on the toilet, Jack is between his legs with his head on the edge of the tub, and Hobbes has his giant pitbull head taking up the rest of the tub-front seating.

Tonight on the leeward swing of swishy baby, I let Hobbes lick Rio's foot. She smiled and now looks forward to that. What fun we have!

:: Becks without the Nyquil isn't as much fun... ::

...but I did have to put it on ice so I just hope Germany can't see me...

:: Metoclopromide is a tool of the devil :
This is why I didn't really want to know what I was taking to make milk spring forth from my breasts. If you are so inclined to read it, you'll wonder what the fuck I was thinking.

I decided to go back on it to get us through flu season. I had the worst panic attacks this morning. Bear ended up taking Rio to his mom's and to my SIL's so I could nap until some of this stuff cleared my system. I hate feeling like a crack head. A lot.

guh..

Rio is crying. She's comfortable, her nose is pretty clear, her head is elevated to the tune of 2 Norton Anthologies of American Literature under two legs of her crib high, and she's still unhappy. I think we've been holding her a lot since we've all been sick and she doesn't want to go to sleep on her own. Bear is in the nursery, shh-ing and comforting, and I'm at my desk with my heart so twisted up, it actually physically hurts.

Guh.

She'll be okay, it just takes a little longer on these nights....


The Worst Drivers In The World Live In Connecticut

Today was just plain bizarre there were so many horrendous drivers out.

>I followed a guy who came to a complete stop in the middle of the road due to construction that a cop was waving him through. So the guy sees the cop finally, goes forward and right through the red light at the intersection. Miraculously, no one was coming the other way. THEN at the next light, he makes a leisurely left hand turn and the traffic coming the other way has to stop so as not to hit him.

>So many people ran red lights, swinging across intersections, it was unbelievable. My light would turn green and 4 or 5 more cars would still be speeding through, making their left hand turn. Assholes. I pulled into the intersection and made one guy, on the phone, screech to a stop in the intersection and we simultaneously flipped each other off. Beautiful moment in driving.

>I wanted a coke. I was behind a girl who started beeping at the car in front of her the millisecond the light turned, she ran a red light to get into the BK parking lot, she dumped her trash in the parking lot not 5 feet from a garbage can, and in her neglect to look right as she pulled away from the drive-through, nearly clocked a town truck! I pulled up next to her as she waited to perform her death defying exit and said, "You really need to pay more attention to your driving. You're pretty much a menace." She said, "Fuck you." I said, "Sister, you are far too ugly for me to take that offer seriously," and I made my right hand turn - safely.

That was the tip of the iceberg today. I just wanted to get home. Alive. That was the goal of Connecticut driving today.

I'm pretty sure Rio's first sentence is going to be:

You stupid motherfucking cocksucker.

can we talk?

I sure can. Got more visits paid for by insurance. Basically they make you call in after every six visits to beg for more. No wonder we had bomb threats when I was working for Anthem BCBS. It was one of the only jobs I absolutely loathed and I made roughly 70K. Loathed it. Quit and haven't been happier. L.O.A.T.H.E.D. it. Enough said?!

So, we're back on the PT wagon. We go twice a week and Rio typically isn't too thrilled. I have to be honest and say that her head is starting to get a little, ah, funky from sleeping only on one side. A pal told me this morning that she has a friend who's baby had the same thing and the head kind of evened out and is round as a beach ball now so I'm not overly worried.

I am worried about having to pack up and move with an infant. Bear had his phone interview and, of course, it went well. His is a specialty that only maybe a couple hundred people on the planet can do so when a job needs to be filled that encompasses all his skills, well, everyone gets a little excited. I can't talk about it but it looks like we might be considering a move to the Providence area. I would miss my in-laws like crazy and that's no lie. Yesterday my SIL spent hours with a crabby baby and then was kind of sad to leave her. *sigh* AND we would be closer to my crazy mother although I don't plan to tell her until she actually drags her lazy ass over here to find we don't live here anymore. Then I'll have to explain but until that time - mum's the word. Hahahha.

Ok, she seems to be settling in a for a nap so I'm jumping in the shower with the monitor on full blast so I can hear if she wakes up. She never does while I'm showering, she really is the best baby on the planet.

I am more and more in love with her every day. Even days when she just screams for an hour and doesn't want to play anything we have to play and I don't have the slightest idea what she wants, I just smile and smile at her. Usually that makes her smile, too, so it's all good around the sickening sweet household. AND the sitter comes today so I may be able to get one or two things done around here.....

As usual, life is good.

~ rub-a-dub-dub ~

We three are in Vermont. My brother with a bag of, uh, goodies is watching and no doubt truly entertaining our doggers. We packed everything we thought we'd need:

*swing
*pack and play portable crib
*formula
*bottles
*samples of formula for Banana, my best friend who bf every 2 hours and is finally exhausted enough to slip the kid the tiniest amount of the devil's juice...
*a dozen outfits for the princess
*a stroller
*one small bag with clothes for me and Bear

I packed all the gear and then packed the car. Bear came downstairs with a pile and some shoes..

bear: Do these shoes look stupid with these jeans?
me: I packed your clothes already.
bear: ...
me: I've been packing all morning. You've been dinking around so I packed your stuff up so we could leave sometime today.
bear: I packed some stuff. I packed our toothbrushes. I packed them so they're kissing!
me: ...

So, we had the car jam packed and now we're here with everything we could possibly need except Rio's bathtub. I knew I forgot something.

Just put her in the sink, you're saying. Mare has a very bizarre, very deep, very unbaby friendly sink so...we took a bath together. Me and Rio. It was absolutely beautiful. I swooshed her around, back and forth, she was soooooo relaxed. I had her under her arms and I could feel her trunk relaxing and she had the best face of discovery on. Bear was watching us with his all teary eyes, towel at the ready. It was a great experience for all three of us and that's how we'll be bathing until she is old enough to sit up on her own.

That is the great thing about being new parents. The whole new way you look at a bathtub after your child has shown you how it looks to her. I love watching her figuring things out in her world. We both rejoice in her daily progress to the point where I'm sure we're the slightest bit sickening.

bear: Look! She put her hand right in her mouth! First try!
me: I know! And now she's just got her thumb in her mouth!
bear: Remember when she couldn't hit her mouth with her hand? This is so exciting!

We will probably faint and then have a parade when she sits up...

:: PT- Physical Therapy or Poopy Time?! ::

Turns out my daughter is developing shtick already! We had PT again on Thursday. She farted soooo loud in the waiting room-twice. Then we got into the room and she:

A. pooped her pants. loudly. and copiously.
B. peed all over after I got the above poopy diaper off and before I got the new one under her (for those of you tempted to give me diapering hints-please refrain!)
C. threw up on the physical therapist.

I laughed when she did each thing. That kid is cracking me up already! And she is doing so well with looking all over the place and developing her sideways glances to BOTH sides....

:: tummy time ::

She needs extra tummy time to develop her neck girdle or some such crap. So we've both been making extra special efforts to plop her on her gut. She isn't too fond of it, much prefers to be ferried about on someone's chest but who wouldn't?! Tonight I played with her for and hour and a half straight. Tummy time then roll over on her back and play with the rattles/crinkly bugs/tissue paper/ 'things' that we play with. She was all keyed up, shaking her fists in the air and kicking her feet.

Bear had the dogs on the couch because he's concerned about them jumping on her and poking her eye out. That is for real what he fears. Glad to know I'm not the only one who is a freak....so the dogs were on the couch with him but whining to get down. We let them come down to play. They both licked Rio on her head, hands, feet and legs and that was about it.

Is there a point here? None whatsoever. We can now lay on the floor all night long on a Saturday night and when we bathe Rio and put her down to sleep at 8:30 we can both feel perfectly content to check email and then head to bed ourselves. How things change....

bump

I've hit my first motherhood 'bump'. Rio has torticollis. I've been reading and researching so I have a list of questions for the pediatrician who should be returning my call shortly. I'll bet they hate the internet.

I wasn't worried initially because everyone involved said it wasn't a big deal. Well, it isn't unless it persists or there is a bony anomoly or her head starts to warp. THEN there is cause for concern. I'm all wound up and waiting for a phonecall.

Bear is a Silly Rabbit

Today he made the highly unpopular choice to go to Long Island for the day to meet with a tattoo artist. I don't care if he becomes the Illustrated Man, but I would prefer that he wait until our child can sit up. So...my friend Leigh called and asked what she could do to help. Come on over! She has vaccuumed, laid a rug and cut the underneath pad to fit, folded laundry, fed Rio a bottle and helped me sort out my shoe closet. I dumped at least 20 pair so now I have just few open spots.....

Life is good. Rio is doing incredibly well now that we have her on a sleep schedule. She is much more well rested and night time sleeping has been between 6 and 9 hours all week! Once this groove gets going, I hope to be able to relax and sleep a bit more, as well. One thing at a time.

So, Bear is on the ferry in an absolute rainstorm and I hope his cellphone works from the deserted island he's headed for :)

you've got to believe it's getting better, it's getting better all the time

Bear makes 3 extra house payments a year. That means our house will be paid off in 17 years. THAT means that if Rio decides to attend college on Mars, we'll be able to afford a ticket :) I said to Bear, " I need that extra money for the next few months. If I don't get some help, I'm going to go right out of my mind." He said, "Done!". Gotta love that guy. He really gets it.

So, Lauren comes in Tuesdays and Thursdays from 4 til 7. I have a trainer on Monday mornings and Thursday mornings. Bear gets home early on Fridays so now Wednesday is the only super long day alone with Rio. After Lauren came, Bear and I went out for a hotdog and ice cream cone and then we went to the top of East Rock Park and sat on a wall and looked out over New Haven. We still talked about her and I still thought about her the whole time, but it was really good to get away for a couple hours. I can so clearly picture her, being held against her daddy's chest, with that oversized head bobbing around and she searches for me. Things are getting much better. That feeling of relief is still with me. I can do this. Gracefully and happily.

****

One thing that came out of her 2 month checkup is she favors her right side. She doesn't like to turn her head to the left so the doc recommended physical therapy. We went yesterday. The physical therapist said that parents don't usually notice the favoritism until the fourth month or later. I said we're not usual parents.

So...I have to do some stretches with her and we will be going twice a week for the next three weeks. We hope to be released at that time.

Well, the princess is waking up from her morning nap so I have to go now. I know that some of you were worried about me, with good cause. Never a good thing to cry three days in a row. We are all doing much better. Rio is getting plenty of sleep and dropping off at the appointed times, which is good for all of us. I'm much more rested and feeling a bit more like myself. Gotta run!

Rio's first night

After she was wisked out of my delivery room Bear went to take a picture of her so I could see what she looked like. I was so amazed that I had actually had a baby I was in more than mild shock. I assumed that I would have a C section at the last minute and I almost did but natural delivery hopped up on drugs was definitely the way to go.

Bear ambled back into the room where the doctor was still sewing me up. He showed me her little face on the LCD screen on the back of the camera. "Wow" was all I could say. "How much does she weigh? How long is she?" I was concerned with her being 3 weeks early and all. Bear just gave me a blank stare and ambled back out to go find out some pertinent facts.

***

After they cleaned me up I was transferred to my room. They came to see if I wanted to go to the NICU to see my baby. Of course. Could I walk? Of course! So I careened to the NICU on numb legs, carried by sheer anxiety. Was she alright? Did I really see a big purple bump on her head? Did the nurses respect my wish to soley breast feed or had they started undermining my decisions?

I got there and she was so tiny. She was pink, which was great because she was gray/blue the last time I had seen her. Her hair was cleaned up a bit but she was still bloody in a lot of places with vernix in all of her folds. She grabbed my finger and all the fears I had about whether she would know me disappeared. I stood, my finger in hers, tears streaming, for about half an hour. When I felt faint I asked to go back to my room. She had to stay. Precautionary, they explained.

***

People kept arriving and grandparents were allowed to see her so when each set arrived, Bear escorted them to the NICU and they all came back to say what a good job I had done with such a beautiful baby. I was still in shock.

We had planned to 'room in'. That means that Rio stays in my room with me and I feed her and change her for the 2 days until we are discharged. Change in plans. By dinner time it was apparent that she would be spending the night in the NICU. It was just down the hall so I could see her whenever I felt like it so that was good. I sent Bear home because the flipout in my room was crazy small for him. With no baby there was no reason for him to stay with me. I sent everyone home and paced back and forth to the NICU in my pink pajamas.

***

By 4 am I had attempted to breast feed Rio 8 times. Every 2 hours. There was absolutely nothing to be had and she was starting to show it. A kindly nurse said, "Honey, you're going to have to consider formula."

That simple. We were so sure breastfeeding was going to work that we hadn't even bought bottles. So, standing in a dimly lit hall at 4:30 in the morning with fear, guilt, disappointment and shame all vying for top bidding, I made the decision. "Give her a bottle."

the things 'they' don't tell you

'They' don't tell you that whatever you were expecting-this ain't it.

'They' didn't mention that I would have no idea what to do with a ten week old. I mean, do I prop her up on the couch and make funny voices to match her scowl, cuz that's what I've been doing....

'They' don't tell you how it feels to be so tired you can't sleep and how it feels to be staring another month of this in the face.

'They' have loads of sympathy and good tidings for the first two weeks and then 'they' don't call for months. I am sorely disappointed in someone who I have a lot invested in. And I don't have the energy to call and say 'I need you'.

'They' didn't think it prudent to share how goddamned scary motherhood is. I look at that child and know I'm responsible for her life today, tomorrow, the day after that and so on. She can't feed herself, hell, she can't sit up yet. I'm all she's got day after day and I'm freaked out of my head.

'They' forgot to tell me that I would feel a little lost inside. I realized tonight that my very existance is changed. I will never be just 'Nita' again. Forever we are attached and bound and tangled up as a unit. She grew inside me and now that she's out I worry about this mean world and how we'll handle her disappointments. I suspect I won't handle them well and I have to raise her to be able to weather what may come. Talk about an oxymoron.

'They' never mentioned all the fears that come with being a mother. Walking down the street watching every approaching car like a hawk, prepared to pick up the carriage and run up the hill to escape a careening drunk driver. Every car. On a three mile walk. I'm exhausted! Or scrubbing the top of the formula can so no single fatal microbe can slip into the mix and kill her. Or never answering Fedex or UPS anymore because it could be an imposter. I'm exhausted and my mind races with bizarre and disturbing thoughts of all the things that could go wrong. Did our tough start kick me this way? I don't know but something's gotta give.

'They' don't tell you that you just might cry all the time and NOT be depressed. 'They' don't tell you there's no reason for it, it just happens.

Sometimes I sort of wish this is all a dream and I am going to wake up. You know those waitress dreams where you wait on 3 stations and the kitchen is across a five lane highway and you are so exhausted when you wake up? But if this is a dream and I wake up still pregnant, I'm going to have some serious reservations about this whole shooting match.

***********************************************************************************

Believe it or not, everything is great. I love her so much it twists my heart into a pretzel. We're getting her on a sleeping schedule and she's more rested and there is more opportunity for me to shut my eyes. I really don't know what to do with her, but I think she's amused most of the time. I had to stop holding her all the time, which seemed natural, because all of the sudden she refused to be put down. Ever. For a second. She would scream her little head off and that actually makes me sweat...Sooooo, we worked through that and now I really am propping her up and making little shows for her with age appropriate stimuli. Really, we're fine.

'accidental parenting'

Evidently there is a name for our style of parenting. Yippee. Basically, my fear left over from the NICU days made me an 'on demand' parent. That is okay for the first few weeks until we all figure out how much Rio needs to eat and when she needs to sleep and for how often, etc. When one maintains that helter-skelter non-schedule, one winds up with a baby who really can't decide what to do and when to do it because, hey, she's a baby!

Last night we reached our wits end. Rio has been crying for the better part of this week and it's mostly due to exhaustion. You can see it in her little face and her eyes have a little red mask and we're all so beat it almost seems impossible. We made the decision to get her out of our room entirely and put her in her lovely crib with the best mattress money can buy that she has barely been in these 10 weeks. So, while she screamed in our faces (for, you see, she didn't know what she wanted at that point and she was crazy cranky from being overtired so really, all a baby can do is scream!) we reviewed the mess we have made of things. We let her sleep:

on the guest bed
on our chests
in our bed
in a bassinet in the living room
in her swing
in a pack and play in our room

Yeah, when you take a minute to think about it the insanity is obvious. So we put her in her crib last night and followed the Baby Whisperer's advice which runs somewhere between hold her all the time and let her cry it out. In other words, this woman put into words our feelings after reading all the recommended baby books.

It sounds insane but we have to teach her to soothe herself into sleep. Because we've trained her to fall asleep in all the above places with the following 'props':

rocking
swinging
my finger in her mouth
bear's finger in her mouth
bear walking her back and forth

she can't get to sleep by herself. What BW says to do now is to put her down and then you have to pick her up...every time she starts to cry. The thinking is we're telling her 'Hey, we're right here, you're ok, you can go to sleep' and then we have to be consistent about it. Ugh. I only had to pick her up 11 times before she fell asleep. The book talked about times in the hundreds so I am hopeful we've nipped this in the bud a bit. And today we embarked on a schedule:

walk begining around 8 or 9
nap after that
lunch
playtime (today Bear danced out the Nutcracker with a piece of pink tissue. She was highly amused)
naptime

I just got her to sleep and it only took 15 minutes. We watched her for yawning and fading and I put her in her crib. She didn't cry at all. When she did start to fuss I helped her find her mouth with her fingers and she soothed herself.to.sleep.

whew

I never wanted to have children. That's not saying I'm not thrilled we have Rio, that's just saying that it has never been a driving force or even a given for how I pictured my life. Having her is so beautiful that words don't suffice for encapsulating the feelings that wash all over the place when I even think about her. I am unprepared for this epic journey but I'm reading and learning so much and figuring most of it out by feel and I think I'm doing a pretty good job. My heart is in the right place at least.

I think back on the months preceding her arrival and how they were jammed with finishing school and being sick all the time. I don't know how I should have prepared differently, but I would have slept one HELL of a lot more.

I'm going to look in on the sleeping princess and then spend some time with Bear. It has been a wonderful day, today.

no sleep til brooklyn

I'm tired. Not just tired, bone crushingly borderline exhausted tired. I feel like crying a lot tired. Prisoner of war tired.

Yesterday Maidpro came for 2.5 hours. I'm not so impressed but glad the vaccuum was run. The house is getting a bit out of control so until Mare gets here, this will suffice.

Bear decided to stay at work really late last night. He may have told me, but I suspect not. I cried. See first section.

Mother called and when I told her I needed some help she said, "Don't tell me. I've been there. I did it with 2 of you, all by myself."

I said, "Did you want something or did you just call to make me feel inept?". She hung up. I say, 'Bravo'.

The reality is....she ran back and forth between Wisconsin and my father and Cape Cod and her mother. She used to leave me with her mother and sister to go torture my father and, oops, get pregnant with my brother. We were both conceived in Wisconsin and born on the east coast. Huh? She lived with her mother and sister and continued to do so after my brother was born. So that is at least 2 people to help her, not to mention no one had jobs and my grandmother had staff. So when she calls instead of stopping by with a casserole or perhaps HOLDING RIO FOR A FRIGGING SECOND SO I CAN SHOWER WITHOUT WORRYING...she calls and makes me feel bad. And then I feel even worse for snapping at her. BUT...she ostensibly moved down here to 'be near her grandbaby' and she's been to my house twice since Rio's birth and she left a mess both times. Ugh.

On a happy and not bitching note....Rio's 2 month checkup was great. She had her shots which killed me and Bear. We learned that she really CAN scream. But she didn't have any real reaction except she's been a bit fussy which is okay because in general-she's perfect.

She is 10 pounds 10 ounces and 24 inches long. Bear is all proud because she's in the 95th percentile for length so he's all convinced she'll be tall like her dad. He's so cute :)

Alrighty then. My friend is here so I'm going to shower and go to my 6 week checkup 4 weeks late....hope the doc doesn't notice :)

she's gone. oh i, i'd pay the devil to replace her she's goooooooooooooone, oh i....

or something a lot like that....

Yup. Got an email and then a call from a really funny 50 year old lady who offered me a bunch of 100's for my bike so she's moving out Saturday. I'll take pictures. I'll be the one crying....