the things 'they' don't tell you

'They' don't tell you that whatever you were expecting-this ain't it.

'They' didn't mention that I would have no idea what to do with a ten week old. I mean, do I prop her up on the couch and make funny voices to match her scowl, cuz that's what I've been doing....

'They' don't tell you how it feels to be so tired you can't sleep and how it feels to be staring another month of this in the face.

'They' have loads of sympathy and good tidings for the first two weeks and then 'they' don't call for months. I am sorely disappointed in someone who I have a lot invested in. And I don't have the energy to call and say 'I need you'.

'They' didn't think it prudent to share how goddamned scary motherhood is. I look at that child and know I'm responsible for her life today, tomorrow, the day after that and so on. She can't feed herself, hell, she can't sit up yet. I'm all she's got day after day and I'm freaked out of my head.

'They' forgot to tell me that I would feel a little lost inside. I realized tonight that my very existance is changed. I will never be just 'Nita' again. Forever we are attached and bound and tangled up as a unit. She grew inside me and now that she's out I worry about this mean world and how we'll handle her disappointments. I suspect I won't handle them well and I have to raise her to be able to weather what may come. Talk about an oxymoron.

'They' never mentioned all the fears that come with being a mother. Walking down the street watching every approaching car like a hawk, prepared to pick up the carriage and run up the hill to escape a careening drunk driver. Every car. On a three mile walk. I'm exhausted! Or scrubbing the top of the formula can so no single fatal microbe can slip into the mix and kill her. Or never answering Fedex or UPS anymore because it could be an imposter. I'm exhausted and my mind races with bizarre and disturbing thoughts of all the things that could go wrong. Did our tough start kick me this way? I don't know but something's gotta give.

'They' don't tell you that you just might cry all the time and NOT be depressed. 'They' don't tell you there's no reason for it, it just happens.

Sometimes I sort of wish this is all a dream and I am going to wake up. You know those waitress dreams where you wait on 3 stations and the kitchen is across a five lane highway and you are so exhausted when you wake up? But if this is a dream and I wake up still pregnant, I'm going to have some serious reservations about this whole shooting match.

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Believe it or not, everything is great. I love her so much it twists my heart into a pretzel. We're getting her on a sleeping schedule and she's more rested and there is more opportunity for me to shut my eyes. I really don't know what to do with her, but I think she's amused most of the time. I had to stop holding her all the time, which seemed natural, because all of the sudden she refused to be put down. Ever. For a second. She would scream her little head off and that actually makes me sweat...Sooooo, we worked through that and now I really am propping her up and making little shows for her with age appropriate stimuli. Really, we're fine.