tough stuff

So, yesterday we got back from the license debacle and had lunch with Bear. Rio napped from 11:00 til 12:15. We all threw down some food and by 1:00 Rio and I were headed to Whole Foods Market, the grocery store that makes me giddy with glee.


me: Hello, how can I help you?

one of 3 women: I'm (BARKBARKBARK) with (BARKBARKBARK).

me: (thinking 'odd time of day for Jehovah's Witnesses') I'm sorry, you're who?

1 of 3: We're (BARKBARKBARK) from the (BARKBARKBARK) Agency.

me: Agency?

1 of 3: Ye(BARKBARKBARK)s, the Early Intervention program? We have an appointment to see Rio today?

Well fuck. I completely forgot about that appointment and I hadn't looked at my book in days because for days I HAD BEEN TRYING TO GET TO THE FUCKING GROCERY STORE! So, I invited them in. With lunch dishes on the counter. And the rowing machine in the middle of the family room. And Mo and Ron trying to lick their faces.


They test a child on 6 different competencies. I can't remember them because the seriousness of having 2 nurses and a social worker finally hit me.

Something is wrong with Rio.

She is advanced in her fine motor skills. I'd love to bore you to death with how she poked her little finger into the scoop of the woman's hand where she had tried to surreptitiously palm a peg, but you'd soon grow weary. Her fine motor skills, reasoning skills and communication skills are advanced for her age.

She is on target with mimicking.

Her gross motor skills are 2 months behind. She's where an average 7 month old is. She'll be 10 months on the second.

I knew that would be the case. I'm not stupid. I see all the other babies in yoga crawling and rocking and side sitting and some of the little fuckers are standing up. They are all a lot younger. Rio sits happily, enjoying the goings on without feeling compelled to jump up and run around.

It was just hard to hear it.

Then last night I started to read more about the program. I called them initially because our new pediatrician recommended them; said Rio's torticollis would qualify her. I wonder if he had something else on his mind. Fucker.


I am anxious in the clinical sense. I have spikes of sweaty palms. My face flushes when a wave of anxiety breaks over my consciousness. I feel like crying and screaming and I don't know how to cope with the helpless feeling I have. All this since yesterday when I got the news.

Sub-normal gross motor skills.

I know many people out there have much bigger problems. I know we're so fortunate that her early and tough start is having so little effect on her growth. I know I know I know. But I still feel like crying. And screaming. My face is still hot and I still worry I might just fly off the earth because of the molecules of terror flinging themselves against my skin from the inside.