:: retail therapy ::

IKEA rocks the planet for people watching. I make up little stories about them in my head. The very strange looking ones, I make them super wealthy. If you're a freak of nature, you should at least have good cash flow in my world....

I got this and this for Rio's room. I also got these for my closet which I really should post a photo of. It is epic and disgusting and I love it. Bear actually got my shallow ass to leave my whole life for a giant closet but that's another story altogether....

what's ugh?

I will flesh out a couple of stories that Bear has asked me to over the next few days.....

We were in our room, having a sort of argument about something. He was blahblahblahing about something or other and I was making my usual non-sequitor replies.

bear: That's really all I'm saying.
me: That's rarely all there is to say.


he moves to his closet door and talks at me, still in bed...


bear: Honestly, I just wish you'd pick up your clothes once in a while.
me: (faaaaaart)
bear: What's 'ugh'? What does 'ugh' mean?

I start howling with laughter. He thought my fart was me saying 'ugh'. Yeah, I guess a lot of these stories are funnier if you're there. So now he's always saying, 'What's ugh?' and then we laugh. Hardeeharhar, huh?

maybe a better one?

There is a reason my husband doesn't do drugs. Turns out, he's not so good at them. Case in point....

I had gone to DC for a couple of fun filled days with my former state representative's daughter. I called Bear to see how everything was going. He couldn't talk but asked me to call him that night. Okaaaaay.

He had troubles sleeping. He took a couple of Ambien. Then, about 30 minutes later when he found himself still awake, he took a couple more. And then more. ...and more. This is where the fun begins.

*ring,ring* telephone at 2 am....

bear: H'lo?
gossipy next door neighbor: Are you alright?
bear: Of course. How are you?
gndn: Your house alarm is going off. What's going on over there?
bear: Umm, I'm battling a small fire....
Sets the phone down and starts making shuffling noises so she yells, gives up and calls 911.

*ding dong* cops at the door

bear: H'lo?

It is important to point out that Bear is dressed in nothing but a work shirt. Yup, no pants, hell, no underwear. And he has rugburn on his forehead and knees from falling down the stairs.

cop: Everything ok, sir?
bear: Yeah, sure.
cop: Uh, ok, do you know how to turn off this alarm?
bear: Yup. It's in the basement.
cop: ... Can we go down there and see?
bear: Sure thing..
and he leads them downstairs and shuts off the alarm, all the while smooth as silk and half naked.

The cops leave. Bear goes to bed for the rest of his good nights' sleep. The next morning as he backs out of the driveway, Nosey Neighbor shoots out of her front door and up to his car.

gndn: How are you this morning?
bear: Fine, you?

He thinks what a weirdo she is and drives off. When he frowns, he notices a tight feeling across his brow and discovers the rugburn when he looks in the mirror....

He makes me call the cops when I get home. I, of course, rush home that day cuz he can't tell me exactly what went down except for the rugburn, broken banister rails and the cop's card on the table by the door!

me: I'm calling about the incident at ** Jackson Road...
cop: Well, basically maam, your husband came to the door with his gonads hangin' out. Once he got the alarm shut down and we determined it wasn't a domestic, we left him to his own party...




Yeah, half the gene pool....