no one said it would be easy. no one said it'd be this hard

People tell me I sound nothing like Sheryl Crow....

Breastfeeding.

I, for one, was blissfully ignorant of the new judgmental hot button issue of the day. I figured; tits, hormones, nature takes over and voila! I don't need no stinking formula. Oh how wrong I was.

I was reading this little gem that made me want to cry and I'm inspired to post instead of folding laundry and waiting for the babe to awaken.

Breastfeeding is rugged. Every Tom, Dick and Harry wants to make you feel like a criminal if you give your baby formula. Formula has become shameful.

I noticed today that it is kept waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay in the back of Babies R Us. Coincidence? I think not.

I see the looks of Those Who Are Successful while I'm cruising Similac. Today I was trying to figure out which was the cheapest way to make the stuff: Ready To Feed, Concentrate, Powder in 3 sizes, Single Servings.... To make matters worse some of the measurements are metric and some are ounces/quarts so figuring it out would have taken a calculator and a conversion chart. All that made worse by TWAS pursing lips and clicking teeth. I felt like an announcement had gone out over the loud speaker:

Lazy and uncaring mother picking out formula needs assistance in aisle 17 waaay in the back. I guess we know who lives under a rock and doesn't know ' breast is best'. Not only has she given up on what her child really needs, she's looking to do it cheaply. Darcy, see if you can help her poison her child, please.She'll probably want to look at polyester crib sheets after that. Easier to clean and iron...

Breastfeeding seems like it should be simple but it is not. There are about a zillion books on how to do it, keep doing it, start up again doing it, why you should do it...ugh. I am trying. I had a breast reduction so I could wear clothing from the same fucking stores on this one body instead of Gap 8 khakis with Lane Bryant 2x tops. So shoot me. Here's what breastfeeding entails for me:

*fenugreek*
I was told a side effect was smelling like maple syrup. In actuality, it makes me smell like a goat that has rolled in maple syrup that was oozing out of a dumpster. AND it gives me ungodly gas that can be heard rumbling in my gut from 8 feet away. Oh, and it didn't work but I was told that I should stay on it while taking the

*metochlopromide*
I don't want to look it up because I don't want to know it was originally used for male pattern baldness or some shit and a side effect was squirty boobies. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. So I take it 3 times a day. My mouth tastes like there is a nickel under my tongue. I have nausea, constipation and diarrhea in alternating bouts, and it feels weird to pee. But the pumping had in fact doubled. Before Rio did her magic trick of nursing I was pumping an astounding 1.5 ounces. That was collected over the entire day. At great physical discomfort with my tits pulled out 2 inches, 34 times a minute. Yes, I count. It helps to keep me from screaming.

*beer*
I drink one a day. That isn't a complaint. It is the only good news I got about all the things I should be doing.....

*fatty foods*
Yup, was told it was vital because breastmilk has a lot of fat and fatty foods will help bring it on. So now I worry that my workouts are sabotaging my milking efforts.

*the solution*
Fuck it. I am eating what appeals as my appetite has been class A-1 shitty since last November. I drink Becks Dark cuz I like it. I am taking the meds through the next cycle and then I'd like to return to a minty fresh mouth and a body that smells of Coco Chanel, not Eau de Goat. Fuck it.Fuck it.Fuck it. Rio is gaining weight, tracking with her eyes, trying to find her mouth with her hand and she makes about 27 really funny faces. She telegraphs when she's pooping and she doesn't seem to hate me at all for giving her Similac. In fact-she chugs that shit. And crosses her hands across her chest and makes cooing noises as the bottle easily slides the nectar down her gullet.

Are we breastfeeding? Yes. Does it make me ridiculously happy? Yes. Is it best for her? Probably. Will I be forced to wear a cutout nipple as a mark of shame when my milk fails, as it inevitably will, when I end the 2nd course of meds? I hope not.

I have nothing against those the people who have mastered and perservered and perfected and whatnot, the Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. I think it is amazing and wonderful. Just try to understand what others go through, ok?