BARF

Hey! I commandeered N's blog again! This is actually fun - I like keeping it alive while the wife relaxes herself on Daytona Beach. You are all loyal fans of AMA, and you can't let down the fans, right?!

So I dedicate this entry to you.

On the home front there is not much going on other than working and taking care of Mo & Ron. I told N today that I feel like a single dad - running around, trying to take care of the kids in the morning, running off to work, rushing home to take care of the kids again, "cooking" (means eating food that is, at that present moment, ready to be eaten through no effort on my part. Or at least close to this.), feeding the kids, cleaning (the Nursery, remember?), going to sleep, waking up, etc., ad nauseam.

It is a sucky way to live. PLEASE COME HOME SOON!! But I say that more because I just miss you...

Speaking of feeding Frick & Frack, there is a story that you might find amusing: We adhere to a dog food diet that is referred to as BARF, which is an acronym that gets an A++ from me. Some funny bastard came up with that one! You see, I say this because it means Biologically Appropriate Raw Food, and the underlying theory is that it is most healthful for a dog to present the type of food he would eat in his natural environment. And I like the idea, because if you think about it, dogs, although probably lingering around human campsites and such for tens if not hundreds of thousands of years, have only relatively recently been domesticated. So the more natural diet is that of a wild dog, which over eons has evolved to be a scrappy scrounger that eats small game and whatever else it can find.

So, the BARF diet consists of raw meat, some type of enzyme-y material, a grain, and processed vegetables. The vegetables are required because the rabbit eats the grass, the dog eats the rabbit, etc. But the raw meat? Nasty! The recommended meat is raw chicken, bones and all. Yes, you were told never to give chicken bones to a dog, because it would choke them or puncture their guts, blah, blah, blah. Which is correct - if the bones are cooked. Raw bones are pretty flexible and they are completely digested by the dog. Believe me on that one. Also, they contain essential fats in the marrow that the dogs need to get. So we use raw chicken necks - sometimes, accidentally, there are a few heads in the 40lb box, too. OOooommph! It's the weirdest thing: I can handle the necks with or without gloves, but I won't touch the heads. It just seems really different even though, if you think about it, what's the difference? It's just another part of a dead, chopped-up chicken, right? WRONG! I won't touch them.
So that's where "barf" comes in. Get it?

By the way, I'm still working on my "amusing story" - it's just that it requires a little setting up, that's all...

Soooo, the enzyme-y stuff is yogurt (they prefer vanilla!) and we don't so often include the vegetables because that's just how it's done. The grain comes in the form of Grape-Nuts, or less expensive Nutty Nuggets from Stop&Shop. I typically mix up a yogurt -n- Nutty Nugget paste and apply it over chicken necks, but I don't let it touch the bowl so much because it then tends to get licked into the corner of the bowl and Mo gets all weird if he can't eat at 200 mph!

Monday night, I get home and change my clothes. I decide I should feed the nuggs early so they can have some time to digest a bit and then go outside to "do their business". Only I was out of cereal and out of yogurt. What was I thinking last time when I finished them off? Duh. Oh well, I can improvise, right? It's sort of like organic chemistry, but you eat it, right? Sooooooo....lets see.....ummmmmmmm, an old Ultra Slim Fast? Perfect. Ummmmmmmm, some kibble (for mom-in-law's dog)? O.K., good. Now....ummmmm, what else? I've got it! Some flax meal! Yah, they'll like that - it sounds good to me. So I mix up the shake, the kibble, and the flax meal. But it then gets thick and sticky, like cookie dough or something. Let's see...what else, what else? Ah ha! Peanut butter! Everyone knows that dogs love peanut butter! In goes the peanut butter. But it's still kinda thick. Well, at this point all I've got to work with are my rudimentary cooking skills based on masterful creations such as Eggs a la Bear, and PB & H. The H is for Honey! Yum!

In goes the honey. Stir it all up, dab across a bed of succulent and firm raw chicken necks, and serve chilled.

I think they broke all previous speed-eating records which were, by the way, already pretty impressive. So I thought I did a good job: I encountered an obstacle, I adapted and improvised, and the problem was solved. Or was it just beginning? Hmmmmmmm...

Only after arriving home from work yesterday did I discover, to my horror, what flax meal, slim fast, kibble, peanut butter, and honey do to a dog's digestive system...

BARF! Not them. Me - when I found all the little presents that Mo left for me on the carpet. Man, I felt really bad for him - he must have been so tortured to do that, thinking he would get in trouble but having no choice. So I acted like nothing happened and when they went outside I cleaned it up. Ironically, yesterday I arrived home with the new supply of yogurt and Nutty Nuggets, but it was tooooooooo late.

Well, I'm done for now, so I'll have to tell you about the quantum physics jokes tomorrow. Absolutely nothing to do with advanced maternal age, but what do I know about that?