But Seriously, now...

Tonight I'll try to post about how advanced paternal age is affecting me.
For example: lately, I have found myself imagining how life will be with the nugget and thinking about things we may do together, and how great our family is, and... I get all teary. And, I'm getting this "monetary" or "provider" instinct thing kicking in - similar I guess to N's "nesting" phase (she's making a pantry in the basement among other things). It's kinda weird. I can't wait!

Quantum Physics is funny!

Characters

Doh - our customer service rep. Nice woman, very friendly, and definitely "airy". Long black hair, about 5' tall, approx. 35 - 40ish.

Ray - a recent hire who is a non-condescending and brilliant physicist from a top 10 University. An odd duck, for sure, but really fun and wacky with all of his quirks and the stereotypical "scientist aura". Dark, swept-back crazy hair. About 5'9" tall, heavy Bronx accent, approx. 40 - 45ish.

Me - laid back and goofy. Does not take "the professional workplace" thing too seriously. Physics guy from a bottom 10 University. Short blonde hair, 6'3" tall, precisely 36.9205 years old. (Three points to those who send me bday greetings on the right day!)

Scene

Where:
A technology-based security company. Not rent-a-cop security, but security as in anti-counterfeiting technologies for *SECRET STUFF GOES HERE*. High profile clients, serious old-school, conservative management. Stuffy upper brass. Two people out of 150 that understand the cutting-edge stuff that makes our products highly un-counterfeit-able: Me + Ray.

When:
Day of first meeting with a materials company that utilizes "quantum dots", which are discrete semiconductor clusters about the size of cigarette smoke particles (10-50 nm). These things have unique properties that make them attractive as "locks" in electronically monitored products so we are evaluating the physical specs. and determining how to modify them at the atomic level so they readily attach themselves to the molecules in our specialized...goo. Blah, blah, blah. A typical workday.

Act 1
Hallway outside the cafeteria...

Me: Hey, Ray. Are you ready for this meeting?

Ray: Oh! Yah, Oh yah - definitely. I mean, FINALLY! An interesting technology we can look at.*Positions feet too close together for proper balance and sweeps left hand through hair. Teeters a bit as he lifts the coffee to his lips*

Me: Yah, I know. So much boring bullshit - I love working on the fun stuff... So, I was thinking about this quantum well effect, and I can't really conceptualize how the cluster size affects the energy states like this.*Refers to diagram in a journal article.*

Ray: You mean the quantum confinement...*smiles devilishly* The "well effect" is only a model that describes binding energy - it's the same with intermolecular forces. The quantum confinement, however, is restricted to the cluster. The photons add energy to the system that elevates the electron energy states, and this altered state causes binding reconfiguration and dissipates energy through thermal relaxation and causes *SECRET INFO GOES HERE*.*Puts coffee down to make wild hand gestures with both hands, because he got frustrated trying to "show" an electron energy shell in an atom with only one hand.*

Me: Oh. Duh...

Ray: Ha Ha Ha!!!*Stamps foot*. What - did you forget this stuff!? It's basic physics, man!

Me: Noo!*Wrinkles brow and smiles in embarrassment. Looks down and toes floor tile with foot* I mean, I read through the literature, and they treated this entirely with mathematical models - there wasn't any reference to the real structure of these things. I'm thinking in terms of the quantum well effect and discrete states *does air quotes* based on the radius-of-the-Bohr-atom treatment... I'm thinking in terms of the models... I just confused the math with the reality, I guess.

Doh: *Pouring coffee into her cup* I'll say! You guys are such NERDS! Can I come to your meeting? It sounds like so much fun! *makes the stick-your-finger-down-your-throat puking gesture. Smiles broadly*

Ray: Ha Ha Ha! I'm not a nerd! HE'S a nerd! *Points to me, giggles slurpily after sipping coffee*

Me: *Stands super-erect, purses lips and makes "nerd face"* Neep! Neep! I'm a nerd. Ray says so... Ray's not a nerd.*sarcastic* Definitely not a nerd.*Rainman voice*

Doh: You guys are weird...*Walks out and back to office.*

Act 2
-Meeting takes place-

Act 3
In mailroom after meeting

Me: *Leaning on copier*So, isn't this cool? I think it will work, but I'm really worried about the *SECRET* problem. Did you hear me hammer on that point?*Smiles conspiratorially.* And man, you killed them on the specificity issue! The guy's smart, though. He knows his shit.

Ray: *Standing in middle of aisle, feet too close together.* Oh, yah. He knows what's goin' on.

Doh: *Walking through, smiling.* Sooo!!! How was the meeting? Did I miss anything? Maybe I can see your notes? *Kidding.*

Me: Well, I'd show you my notes, but they're really small.*Scale of atom joke*

Ray: Ha Ha!!*Points at me, laughing REALLY loud.* That's FUNNY. You're funny... that's a good one...

Doh: *Wrinkles brow in confusion. Looks questioningly back and forth between Ray and Me.*

Me: ...And I am uncertain of their location!*A joke based on the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle*

Ray: HAH HAH HAH!!!*Points at me, laughing REALLY, REALLY loud.* Another one!! You're on a roll! Ha Ha HAH!!!

Doh: *Wrinkles brow in confusion. Shaking head, walks out silently.*

Me: I'm definitely a nerd.*Smiles.*

THE END

See? Quantum Physics is funny!!

BARF

Hey! I commandeered N's blog again! This is actually fun - I like keeping it alive while the wife relaxes herself on Daytona Beach. You are all loyal fans of AMA, and you can't let down the fans, right?!

So I dedicate this entry to you.

On the home front there is not much going on other than working and taking care of Mo & Ron. I told N today that I feel like a single dad - running around, trying to take care of the kids in the morning, running off to work, rushing home to take care of the kids again, "cooking" (means eating food that is, at that present moment, ready to be eaten through no effort on my part. Or at least close to this.), feeding the kids, cleaning (the Nursery, remember?), going to sleep, waking up, etc., ad nauseam.

It is a sucky way to live. PLEASE COME HOME SOON!! But I say that more because I just miss you...

Speaking of feeding Frick & Frack, there is a story that you might find amusing: We adhere to a dog food diet that is referred to as BARF, which is an acronym that gets an A++ from me. Some funny bastard came up with that one! You see, I say this because it means Biologically Appropriate Raw Food, and the underlying theory is that it is most healthful for a dog to present the type of food he would eat in his natural environment. And I like the idea, because if you think about it, dogs, although probably lingering around human campsites and such for tens if not hundreds of thousands of years, have only relatively recently been domesticated. So the more natural diet is that of a wild dog, which over eons has evolved to be a scrappy scrounger that eats small game and whatever else it can find.

So, the BARF diet consists of raw meat, some type of enzyme-y material, a grain, and processed vegetables. The vegetables are required because the rabbit eats the grass, the dog eats the rabbit, etc. But the raw meat? Nasty! The recommended meat is raw chicken, bones and all. Yes, you were told never to give chicken bones to a dog, because it would choke them or puncture their guts, blah, blah, blah. Which is correct - if the bones are cooked. Raw bones are pretty flexible and they are completely digested by the dog. Believe me on that one. Also, they contain essential fats in the marrow that the dogs need to get. So we use raw chicken necks - sometimes, accidentally, there are a few heads in the 40lb box, too. OOooommph! It's the weirdest thing: I can handle the necks with or without gloves, but I won't touch the heads. It just seems really different even though, if you think about it, what's the difference? It's just another part of a dead, chopped-up chicken, right? WRONG! I won't touch them.
So that's where "barf" comes in. Get it?

By the way, I'm still working on my "amusing story" - it's just that it requires a little setting up, that's all...

Soooo, the enzyme-y stuff is yogurt (they prefer vanilla!) and we don't so often include the vegetables because that's just how it's done. The grain comes in the form of Grape-Nuts, or less expensive Nutty Nuggets from Stop&Shop. I typically mix up a yogurt -n- Nutty Nugget paste and apply it over chicken necks, but I don't let it touch the bowl so much because it then tends to get licked into the corner of the bowl and Mo gets all weird if he can't eat at 200 mph!

Monday night, I get home and change my clothes. I decide I should feed the nuggs early so they can have some time to digest a bit and then go outside to "do their business". Only I was out of cereal and out of yogurt. What was I thinking last time when I finished them off? Duh. Oh well, I can improvise, right? It's sort of like organic chemistry, but you eat it, right? Sooooooo....lets see.....ummmmmmmm, an old Ultra Slim Fast? Perfect. Ummmmmmmm, some kibble (for mom-in-law's dog)? O.K., good. Now....ummmmm, what else? I've got it! Some flax meal! Yah, they'll like that - it sounds good to me. So I mix up the shake, the kibble, and the flax meal. But it then gets thick and sticky, like cookie dough or something. Let's see...what else, what else? Ah ha! Peanut butter! Everyone knows that dogs love peanut butter! In goes the peanut butter. But it's still kinda thick. Well, at this point all I've got to work with are my rudimentary cooking skills based on masterful creations such as Eggs a la Bear, and PB & H. The H is for Honey! Yum!

In goes the honey. Stir it all up, dab across a bed of succulent and firm raw chicken necks, and serve chilled.

I think they broke all previous speed-eating records which were, by the way, already pretty impressive. So I thought I did a good job: I encountered an obstacle, I adapted and improvised, and the problem was solved. Or was it just beginning? Hmmmmmmm...

Only after arriving home from work yesterday did I discover, to my horror, what flax meal, slim fast, kibble, peanut butter, and honey do to a dog's digestive system...

BARF! Not them. Me - when I found all the little presents that Mo left for me on the carpet. Man, I felt really bad for him - he must have been so tortured to do that, thinking he would get in trouble but having no choice. So I acted like nothing happened and when they went outside I cleaned it up. Ironically, yesterday I arrived home with the new supply of yogurt and Nutty Nuggets, but it was tooooooooo late.

Well, I'm done for now, so I'll have to tell you about the quantum physics jokes tomorrow. Absolutely nothing to do with advanced maternal age, but what do I know about that?

B.Diddy's in da Houuuuuuuuse!

Okay!!

I just couldn't take it anymore. My lovely, wonderful (and BIG!!) wife hasn't posted in a long time, and there is so much going on... Come to think of it, maybe that's why we haven't heard from her in a while.

Every day at work I go to Advanced Maternal Age to see what aspects of our life are posted for the world's amusement. Not that I mind - she does tend to keep a lid on things. The funniest stuff (most of which she doesn't share) is typically the most embarrassing for me, as the following equation describes:

[(me + some social situation) / my smoothness] x cluelessness = hilarity

It's all there. Hilarity is inversely proportional to my (lack of) smoothness, and directly proportional to my social cluelessness. I am exaggerating, though - I'm not THAT much of a dork! Our life in general is fun and funny things happen to us - but that's on purpose. We make it that way. Some stories she may tell someday:

1) Where's My Thingie?
2) B...., You Remember Me, Right?
3) Is It Real?
4) Leigh's Not Black?!?!
5) I Feel GREAT!!!
6) You Don't Want Chardonnay, You Want Ziff!
7) If I Run Faster and Get My Butt Lower, I Can Catch My Tail!!!
8) Poop Crop Circles
9a) I'm Battling a Small Fire...
9b) Well, Let me Put It This Way: Basically, Your Husband Answered the Door...
10) Shut Up or I'm Gonna Break Your Hip!
11) The Branch Won't Hit the House, Right??
12a) Just Throw Some Limes On It!
12b) The Weeds Are Comin' Through the Con-Creek...
12c) I'm Gonna Trim Back The Bushes a Bit...
13) Alright! Finally! This Is The Perfect Color For the Living Room!!
14) I'm SOOO Anal!
15) Don't You Want To Live in a 500 Year-Old Castle With Me?
16) This Is Nas-tee!!
17) Umm, Um. Okay..Greeaat.
18) 135 "Uhs" in 20 Minutes = 6.75 [Uhs/min]
19) Honey, Would You FedEx My ID To Me?
20) Ahg! Ptu! What's This In My Oyster? (not funny, just a nice story)
(21) I Like That Kooky, Kooky Eye...

And so on, and so forth. There are SO many good stories!

Now, back to the present day.
N is presently in Daytona, FL visiting her "Mother's Most Recent Ex-Husband" and his mom, or her Dad and Grandmother, in our vernacular. She is missing me (and I, her) but having a good time in the sun, renting recumbent bikes to cruise on the beach, swimming, chilling out, etc. She does deserve the rest though, because...

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She GRADUATED COLLEGE LAST WEEK!!!!

YAY!!! WOO-HOOO!!!!

B.A., Humanities
Magna Cum Laude
Alpha Sigma Lambda National Honor Society

...and her worst grade of all her college classes? A B in WATERCOLORS 1 !!!!!!
I like her paintings, though. I can't imagine what the other people got!!

Anyhow, we had a perfect, sunny, breezy day for the commencement (of course I got a sunburn) and we had a really nice party for her at a friend's restaurant in New Haven right afterwards. The highlight of the party, though, was that her Mom and Dad, who haven't seen each other in 38 YEARS, were actually going to be in the same room at the same time - with witnesses!! Of course there was much speculation and side betting... I think the odds favored Mom - bigger gun & less inclined to stand down - but I didn't get involved. However, a lot of people lost money because nothing happened. They didn't even speak to each other! Whew!!

A lot of friends and family came in from out of state - it was really nice. One of her profs. was there with his wife and he was telling us how N was the best student he had...ever! See, I always had a weakness for the smart ones!

Now, it's on to Yale. I'm pushing Yale - she is certainly the type of student they are looking for: really smart, really liberal, really outgoing, and of superior character. And a really dedicated, hard worker. Plus, the Yale campus is 5 minutes down the road. Yup - she's going to shake things up in those ivy covered halls...

We think she will be able to phase into a Masters program after the Little Bean is a couple or three years old. After that, I go back to school to finish my education. This, though, is a long and dreary tale that I won't bore you with...

I am curious: does anyone know someone who went back to graduate school in their late 30's / early 40's? If so, how did they do it? I'm interested in hearing how others have pulled this off...

Now I'm WAY off topic!! So, back to the business at hand: N is feeling pretty good except she doesn't have the appetite required to eat enough to gain the doctor-prescribed one-pound-per-week. So she's going for the most calorie-laden food she can. Her ankles and hands are swelling, so she has to try to keep them elevated to keep this under control. I think that her "pee-thing" is better (feeling like she has to go, but it being a false alarm), but maybe it isn't and she just got tired of telling me...

We are still working on the names thing - I didn't realize how hard this could be! There are SO MANY reasons why certain names aren't "good" - same name as people you hate, same name as family member, name is too common, name is too obscure, name initials spell sex-oriented or other "difficult" words (RIM, RAM, REM, DIM, DUM, HUM, CUM), etc. Obviously, we're stuck with "M" as a last initial.

Second question: Does anyone have an idea for a COOL three-letter-set of initials (that ends in "M")? Maybe we can work backwards from that...

Finally, the Nursery. The Nursery. Yep, the Nursery. It used to be our office, and now it's not. We still need to clean it out and paint it. The problem is getting all of our books out. HUNDREDS of books! THOUSANDS of books! Well, maybe not thousands but...SHIT! My books all weigh twelve pounds apiece (mostly physics and optics texts), N has every dictionary ever published, we have just about all the "Dummies" and "Idiots" books, most all of the Calvin & Hobbes books, generalized science books (me), generalized literature books (N), advanced mathematics books (me), tons of self help / self actualization / self diagnostic / self destruction books (me & N); Flash, HTML, C++, Visual C++, LabView, DreamWeaver, PhotoShop, Illustrator, Cold Fusion, etc. books; dog training books, "How to Organize Your Books" books, and now, finally, child birthing / raising / attachment / detachment / potty training / development / caring for / education books.

We've got it ALL. And it's all got to go downstairs. Two flights down. And it's all got to be put in the new bookshelves. That I haven't built yet. Ugh...

Which reminds me of arguably the BEST story of all:

22) What's "Ugh"?

Now, that's the one I think she should tell you next!

I have to get back to work now. These morons don't understand their own IP and need me to tell them how to make a product for a major client such that it will be completely covered by our patents. And this will be an additional $10M account on top of the large $$ business we currently have with this client. The funnier one is the $30M account we're trying to land that we keep doing wrong again, and again, and again... But this isn't MY blog, so I'll spare you from all this.

Bear
previously known as B.Diddy

I just love the crack of dawn, don't you?

My brother, the near deaf, arrived yesterday. I love that kid so much it makes my heart squeeze. He, like me pre-pregnancy, doesn't sleep so I know I can go wake him up and he'll hang with me before this crazy day gets rolling. We're having 8 for brunch, and then another 8 for dinner. Should be interesting....

Big kids

We spent over 2 hours at BabiesRUs yesterday. My SIL informed Bear that we were nowhere near finished registering and our registry certainly needed some work. It did so we went. On a Saturday. The day before Mother's Day. Hello, could we get any stupider??!!

A post for another day will be all the crap you 'are supposed to have' for a baby. For this morning I'd just like to tell you all in Blogsylvania one thing. They give you a scanner so you can add things to your registry with ease. They give you directions like: can't scan sale or seasonal items, to register for multiples-scan multiple times, to delete the last item scanned you need to scan the delete code from the sheet on the clipboard. I took the clipboard; all loaded up with my measly choices and a thick shock of suggestions. Bear took the scanner.

*beep*
bear: Oops.
me: C'mon honey. Don't mess around.
bear: I'm not. I'm just making sure it's calibrated right. Can I see the delete code?
me:.....
*beep*

*beep*
me: What are you scanning in??!!
bear: I was just testing if you really couldn't scan sale items. You can scan this one! Can I see the delete code?
*beep*

*beep*
me: I'm looking at the suggestions. What are you adding to the registry??!!
bear: I just wanted to see how far away it can pick up a UPC code. Can I see the delete code?
*beep*

*beep*
bear: Total accident, I swear.
me: Give me the scanner.
*beep

So, he almost made it an entire aisle without losing scanner privileges. Frankly, that wasn't bad.

Hop Hop, Easter Bunny

We finally figured out why Jack is so interested in a clump of evergreens in the way backyard. Evidently there is a warren of rabbits living there. Tiny, perfectly formed, multi-colored little bunny rabbits-judging from the one in his mouth when he came in last night.

We don't put the dogs out, mostly because we'd never see Jack again. We take them out about 20 times a day. You have to stand on the back porch and monitor their activities. No fighting. No rolling in smelly stuff. No digging at the fence. Here, here, here, here and it's a successful outing. Unfortunately these dogs treat our backyard like some sort of wild game preserve.

Their kill list to date:
bunnies ( a few)
birdies (a few)
squirrels (again, a few)
and one nasty looking possum.

The cops had to come over and shoot the latter. Did I tell you about that?

So, happy mother's day. I have to go switch the laundry, iron some napkins and hit the grocery store before it gets bananas there. My nugget has been kicking up a storm and each shot to the ribs makes me smile.

Yeah, I think I'm ready.

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Yesterday I got mad. Really mad. Mad enough to spit. On someone....

I was at the Mobil station along the highway. Gas is always a bit higher there but if you're stupid enough to get on a highway without fuel, you deserve to pay the premium, right?

So, I'm in line and the white dude in a fishing hat in front of me says:

dude: I got gas in Greenwich yesterday. It was $2.15 a gallon! And it was at a Mobil, too.

me: That's odd. I thought they were regulated within certain areas,

dude: Well, the guy was an A-rab so I guess he was having a good laugh at our expense.

This is where my head blew off. The lovely black girl behind the counter recognized the purple flush of my face and half smiled, wondering what was next. This was next....

me: An Arab? How did you know? Did you discuss his heritage with him?

dude: Well, middle eastern, whatever. They're all the same, having a laugh at our expense.

me: Perhaps you'd care to pick up a newspaper while you're here and perhaps EDUCATE yourself a little bit. This whole war, that we don't belong in, is not a laughing matter to anyone.

dude: I'm just saying. I miss the good old days when everyone was either english or irish or (casts a look at the counter girl) African American. You know, you could tell what someone was by looking at them.

me: Yes. It is much easier to hate along racial lines when they are clear for you.

At this point I pushed past him, put my $20 on the counter and said, "Fucking asshole."

I am not normally good with racism. I believe in confronting it when I come upon it. I don't swear, but rather point out the offending comment and try to educate this person as to why it is hurtful. Yesterday I just wanted to bust this fuckwad in the mouth. I was mad for an hour afterward. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

thank goodness we have a bazillion dollars worth of television equipment

We had a really nice night together last night. Bear came home, showered and changed into some velour sweats and he set up the digital recorder on our giant television to record the 2 hours of Friends. Then we, ah, took a happy break and then had a lovely dinner of steak, broccoli, squash and baked potatoes. We then retired to the TV room to watch Friends, sans expensive commercials, from the recording as the show zipped on ahead of us.

I'm no fanatic and I haven't seen it much in the last 2 years because of my school schedule, but I'm not ashamed to say I think it's a clever show. I am a bit invested in the characters and do have my own wishes for the fates of the cast members. That said, I was so excited to be home and available and accompanied by my favorite person to watch the finale.

We watch the first hour. We're able to back up and enjoy particularly funny moments again. We pause and go upstairs to make ice cream sundaes. We settle back on the couch. Life is good. Although it takes 4 remotes, a virtual reality suit and foot pedals to control the myriad of functions of the TV, sound system and digital recorder, Bear is up for the job. He's whirring and spinning and flicking buttons like a pro.

It's the last minutes of the show. Monica and Chandler are all packed up. The air is thick with emotions and poignant witticisms. What I assume to be very close to the end, Joey crosses his arms and says, ".........

This is where his taping shuts off. He looks at me. I look at him.

bear: Uh, I programmed it to go 2 minutes over in either direction.
me: ...
bear: Oh well. You basically know how it ends, right?

So, if anyone knows what happened in the last 2 minutes of a show that I have watched FOR TEN FRICKIN YEARS THAT MY HUSBAND CUT THE TAPING SHORT ON.... please divulge.

***

Speaking of Friends.... I wonder how 'Joey' will do. He's a goon, but does that make for a fun 17 minutes? I was thinking it would be great for Gunther to show up in Hollywood, all tricked out and super successful cuz he has a show in development about a bunch of whiners that hang around in a coffee shop all the time.....then he could tell Joey he's just not right for the part. Huh??

I really shouldn't complain but I think I'm losing my mind

I'm still in some of my regular clothes. Granted, I used to dress a bit like a skategrrl and my husband always laughs at my pants that are too big, but at 7+ months, I'm happy to still be in them.

So....I'm tinkling for perhaps the 21st time today and I lose the toilet paper. I go, blot (cuz frankly, I could just go and GO there is so little actual product....) and then somehow don't drop the paper at my normal time. I am doing the get up/drop maneuver that I've never ever had a problem with before and somehow the paper is lost. I look at the bowl, think 'what the hell??', spin around and realize the paper is lost. I feel between my legs, feel around the back, it is gone. I'm just starting to have serious doubts about the stability of the space time continuum when I see it sticking out the bottom of the left leg of my sweats.

Total mystery.

procrastination

Jen had a post this morning that really inspired me. It was all about the stupid things that people say to you surrounding pregnancy. I'm going to totally rip that idea and share a bit of the silliness that has come my way so far.....

1. A girl I have always had a bad taste for came up to me at a recent funeral and poked my belly. "Yes, I've gained weight," I said. She looked like she swallowed her tongue. I just let it hang :) Ha!

2. My mother called, frantic, with this:
mom: I know you've been tired and distracted. Have you been feeding the dogs?
me: I'm 7 months pregnant. Don't you think they would be dead by now if I haven't been feeding them?

3. The myriad of 'it only gets worse' helpful hints.....

My ankles have swollen a bit.
It only gets worse. My cousin knew a woman who had to have her ankles pierced and drained.

Um, thanks for asking but I'm having regular bowel movements.
It only gets worse. Wait until the hemorrhoids. I knew a girl from work who had to poop in the tub.

We're not finding out the sex. We're happy to be surprised.
It only gets worse. Boys are terrible to raise, so hyper. And heaven forbid it's a girl! She'll drive you batty for a solid ten years from 8 to 18.

I haven't gained too much weight.
It only gets worse. My manicurists sister-in-law gained 118 pounds in the last month and she's a latino like you.

We haven't really decided about our childbirthing methods. We plan to discuss that with our doctor.
It only gets worse. The doctors are so afraid of being sued that they do C-sections all day long. The recovery will be a nightmare. You'll wish you had never gone to the hospital. Let me give you the name of my dentist's receptionist's cleaning lady's midwife.

It's our first.
It only gets worse. Now you have to have another one and you're so old to be starting all this. Has anyone told you how exhausting this is??? Not to mention that kid will be a spoiled brat if you don't have another one.

Actually, I'm not really trying to hear about bad labor stories.
It only gets worse. I was in labor for 78 hours. Hard labor. They wouldn't let me have a cigarette break, either. Then I had to have a cesarean after all that. And then I had a reaction to the anesthesia. And then the baby was cholicy. And then my surgery site got infected and left me scarred for life. Wanna see?

I'm planning to stay home for at least 2 years.
It only gets worse. You'll go insane with a baby all day. You had better be careful that your husband doesn't start running with his bowling partner just to get away from you. You'll be cornering the mailman for intelligent conversation.

I usually just smile through the deluge of unsolicited horror stories. I think it's working but I do have this twitch over my right eye that just won't quit!

29 week check-up

weight gain: 12 pounds
glucose test: normal range
pee test: totally clear of protein and sugar
doctor: still cute as hell

It was uneventful, which is nice. He explained that my puffy ankles will be exacerbated by standing or sitting for long periods. I did a lot of both over the weekend. They are slowly going down. Thankfully.

My uterus is just over 28 centimeters and the baby is kicking like a donkey on amphetamines.

Speaking of drugs.....
The kid who housesits for us is usually a complete gem. This weekend every last one of my klonopin (also known as 'mom's coming for dinner' pills) has disappeared. And the empty container was left on the shelf. Bear hates anyone in our house when we're not here and this hasn't helped the situation at all.

Thoughts?

what a completely shitty week with the exception of a few excellent occurrences

*penny is sick*
Really sick. They are doing aggressive rounds of chemo. We went to her place this weekend and she wants her hair cut off before it falls out so I gave her the most adorable pixie that she passed out halfway through and Bear had to carry her up to bed. I'm so sad that my blood feels thicker and it hurts to run through my heart.

*my sister is in grave danger of flunking out of school and she's the smart one in the family

And is pissed at me for mentioning it every time I talk to her but I can't help myself. She will have to bust her ass for the next 3 weeks solid to have a glimmer of hope of pulling her classes out of the backed up men's toilet.

She called last night because she had a huge fight with our father who art not likely to see heaven...She's been telling him for weeks about my graduation. He finally got around to booking a ticket for her. My graduation is on a Sunday, and she is scheduled to fly in that Friday and leave at 6am on SUNDAY. When she told him, he yelled at her that she's stupid. We were sired by a man who may never mentally age past 12.

AND I now truly agonize over these situations because that is a direct line to the gene pool growing and kicking and breakdancing inside of me.

*mother has no intention of behaving but at least she's no longer armed*

She is ramping up for silliness when she sees my father for the first time in 38 years. She's still mad. Amazing. Who gives a fat rat's ass? You were 18. You had 2 kids with him. Aren't you a bit of a dumbass, too???!!!

I'm sick of parenting my parents. Anyone who pisses on my parade will be forcibly removed from the shindig so generously hosted by B.Diddy.

*i feel pregnant, in the inconvenient sort of way*

For seven months I was able to ignore the growing belly, the lack of appetite, the headaches....I basically felt like I had a bad hangover. Now I feel pregnant and that's a whole different ball game. I am ex.haust.ed. I have tired twitches; under my left eye, above my right eye, always running simultaneous game. It's driving me batshit.

This weekend my feet swelled up. My ankles were unrecognizable and my toes looked like those little sausages that are so neatly and repulsively lined up in glass jars in the "World Foods" section of the Stop&Shop. Lovely.

I had gained a total of 8 pounds in 7 months of pregnancy. Last week I gained 8 pounds then dropped 2 in a day. My body is out of control. I'm officially uncomfortable.

Did I mention the crying at the drop of a hat? I'm so knocked up I'm unrecognizable.

*this week's task list is actually impossible to complete without another month and a full staff*

Enough said about that one.

*the sliver of excellence*

My best friend swept the competition in the bodybuilding contest she was in this weekend. She won her age category, then her weight category, then the best overall female bodybuilder in Vermont. I'll post pictures tomorrow. She is awesome, she was coming back from a bad medical thingie, and she rocks the planet. With friends like her, it's okay that my entire family belongs on Jerry Springer.....