i see you. wait, no i don't. yay! there you are!

As Leips* postulated, it's just an ocular migraine. They're so fun; you should totally get one! Luckily, I didn't get the whopper headache that is the accompaniment for many people. I haven't changed my eating, I don't drink too much and I don't drink every day, I don't take pills or do recreational drugs. It would seem that ssssssssssstrrrrrrrrrrrrrressssssssssssss might be the probable cause.

So, what kind of seeing eye dog do you think I should get? And can I just shave this motherfucking mop of hair if I'm doomed to blindness? I won't have to look at my crazed self, and I'll be so comfortable! And blindness, flashy-bluish-StarTreky or otherwise, means no ironing, right? RIGHT? If these blindness thingies are caused by stress, don't stand close to me because at some point in the near future my eyeballs are very likely to come torpedoing off the front of my skull like feet off a Superman ride ...

But, know what's fun? Your medical history for a stranger.

Dr Darling: So, any history of eye problems in your family?

me: No. Wait. Yeah. My grandfather had a retina detach at our house one Christmas. Oh, and then he had macular degeneration.

Dr Darling: How well does your grandfather see?

me: Not so great. He's dead.

Dr Darling: Oh, um, sorry. How about any other health issues in your family.

me: Oh, well, Mom has lots of unsubstantiated heart attacks and nervous breakdowns. Her mom, well, she's been dead for more than 20 years. But she was a diabetic. Adult onset. Might have been vodka induced. My mom's sister had an early and kind of bizarre hysterectomy. My father's side... Well, my grandmother is dying right now. Literally. They're counting breaths. I guess everyone else is okay. Well, except for one aunt who's on her 3rd set of hips. Oh, and another had brain surgery last year for an aneurysm. Oh, and an uncle died of colon cancer. Wait, and two aunts are diabetics, too. Oh, and one has Lupus. My brother is hypoglycemic, but he was wicked early. Yeah, that's about all.

Dr Darling: ...

me: A lot of them live or have lived in the midwest ...

***

Have I mentioned I recently got life insurance at the superior health rate?!!

***

But stress induced? I can't imagine! Bear drove us home - me with my pupils dilated AND relaxed AND full of 4 other things dripped in them. Left me home with the monkey who, blessed child, took a big fat nap. Yay! When she got up I could pretty much see again.

Unfortunately neither poorly enough to overlook the mayhem, nor well enough to avoid the shit piles.

Yup. Diarrhea. First, though, great protestations of 'I don't want to poop. It's going to be too big. I'll just wait. Please can I have a dizzle?!' We're working on poop on the potty so lots of naked time and no dipes. Am I brilliant or what? What, so then she took off for the bathroom. Somewhere along the way a chunk the size of a can of beans busted loose, so when she hit the pot it was dribbles. I kept her on the potty and cleaned up. I found the chunkalunk by, you guessed it, stepping on it. Load one into the washing machine and 10 minutes spent cleaning both of us up. On pretty much most of both of our bodies. About 15 minutes later I caught a blur out of the corner of my still blurry vision and then I stepped in the liquid shit trail and she hit the other two rugs she missed on the first run. I finally gave her a diaper. Maybe it was a ski hat. Who knows? I still can't really see ...

Um, so, yeah. Things are much better and I'm feeling relieved it's only stress induced blindness. It should pass in no time at all.

*The doctor knew Leips cuz he was a resident when Leips was at school! Leips is family to me. Or, as I told his pal, Dr Darling, "Leip's dad and my mother's ex 4th husband are really good friends. So, he's like part of my family. " Not that he'll admit it, but it's true ....

7 comments:

Sarah said...

But is it treatable by the appropriate application of trannies?

Congratulations on the diagnosis; condolences for the shit storm.

The "Leips" in our family is the friend who coined the term "brainwashing;" some generations find it inevitably appropriate to interrupt anyone using it to announce the connection. I can only hope that whenever Eddie Hunter overheard someone referring to "nutcases" he interjected that he "knew the family..."

kate said...

What a relief. Sort of. I think.

I was going to suggest stress, but I didn't want to be all dismissive, or just be projecting my own current issues.

If I don't get some concrete solutions in my life soon, I might join you in hysterical blindness.

nita said...

*sarah: trannie patches help everything!

*kate: hysterical blindness, if you remember, featured NOT ONLY THE BUG EYED YET BLIND uma, but dr alex from grey's anatomy, too. if i wasn't so lazy, um, visually impaired, i'd look up his real name. i'm saving my eyesight for rhinestone gluing...

the slackmistress said...

I feel like there's a sea of poop washing over the friends' blogs...

Feener said...

oh gosh, you poor thing. i get those migraines, i have no pain, just the visual problems - i can not see perephial. it is the worse experience ever. i feel numb ugh, anyway they suck.
the poop story is plain YUK. we are on day 5 of potty traiing, pee pee is going fine, no poops yet !!!

nita said...

*slack: no doubt, sister!

*feen: my understanding is that it goes fast, although it feeeels like a long time, with all the handling of another's bodily gunk :)

piglet said...

i love love the way you explained your family history to your doctor.

on another note, i think i have that type of migraine. they are usually in my eyes, and between my eyebrows. i usually use that pressure point between my eyebrows to help release the pain.