inordinately saddened

inordinately saddened

He's gone. Got the news while watching one of the zillion repeats to which I am committed. I cried through the whole thing. I'm so sad. I wonder if it would be too strange for me to attend his funeral. Bear thinks so. Oh well.

Goodnight good sir. May your next adventure treat you well.

i'm shallow

i'm shallow

I told myself she needed a little break.

I told myself her head is looking amazing these days.

I told myself she's been sleeping on her left side of her head in the car and maybe it would be good for it to be just flat against her carseat.

I told myself that no hats would fit, even though it was warm enough today to go from the car to the building without one; which is what we did.

I told myself if I put the reindeer horns on her she'd need the hat so they didn't scratch her head AND that they would slip off the plastic.

I told myself that Bear is trying to get established in the pecking order at his new company and maybe Rio's 'condition' would become something that people whisper about.

I told myself that these were the reasons I left her helmet at home to go to Bear's work party.

I told myself it's not because I'm embarrassed. So why do I feel so ashamed of myself today?

poof!

poof!

Just like that, it's over. Tonight I laid Rio in her crib and she curled up onto her left side and fell asleep. You know, on the side she refuses to acknowledge even exists. The side that is only present in an alternate universe...she's sleeping on it right this very second. *sigh*

I will still have to continue with the stretching and PT because there have been physical ramifications from looking only to the right for so long, but I remain hopeful. Months of arguing with her and stretching her neck and curling her in a sideways ball and playing 'look at me jingling balls and blowing whistles and squeaking toys on your left side!!!' have paid off. *sigh*

AND we went for a head check today and she's made improvement there, as well. They have a model of her head from the casting and its on a stick which is more than a little creepy but we could really see where her head is changing. Thank the universe we're having some success. I hadn't realized how crooked her little noggin really was....

On a funny note, the therapist who Rio sees at Cranial Tech has that super thick hair. She also has some kinda objectionable highlights but whatever. Her stylist committed a very common and amateurish sin of leaving a long strand that comes from behind the ear. So, she has a bob with a wisp. I noticed it 2 appointments ago but now that I'm a mother I'm in training to not embarrass my daughter all the time so I'm practicing now because, frankly, it's going to take a lot of behavioral modification so I'm needing the headstart. Anyway, she said something about it today.

tech: (curling hair behind ear and pulling on her errant tail) Look at this silly thing!

me: Yeah, I noticed.

tech: You did?

me: Yup, 2 appointments ago. If you get me the office scissor I can fix it for you.

tech: OMG! Thanks!

She leaves the person training with her standing there and goes to get scissors. Bear is with us (more on that in a bit) so he tells the trainee that she'll be lucky enough to deal with super cute babies like Rio. Then he holds Rio up about 2 feet from her face and Rio lets out THE LOUDEST BELCH!!!

Tech returns with scissor and I fix up the spot and resist the urge to blend her layers, as well....

:: snow day ::

Bear did not pack the car last night as I recommended. He also did not set the alarm for a reasonable hour that he would likely get out of bed for, as I recommended. Instead, the alarm went off at 4am, 4:30 and 5:00. He called in snowbound at 7. I truly hate it when he does that and he does it often. So, I suggested he pack the car after Rio's appointment and head out before it gets dark. It is almost 8pm and he's in his office dinking around on the net. He'll SAY he's doing important stuff, but he's fibbing.

:: witness ::

We went shopping on Sunday. Madness. I did witness a few nice things.

* While waiting for Bear to pick up something in Circuit City I saw a great old yellow lab in the front seat of a big SUV. He was chill, just looking around. Had one of those great faces, all white with age. His 'dad' came out, a portly man of around 50 and the dog got into the driver's seat, all tag wags and smiles. The man stood outside his car with the door open so the dog could properly kiss his whole face before he made the dogger move over. Then he continued to pat the smiling dog on his head. Sweet.

*Bear was wanting to go into Starbucks and a car was coming out of a spot in their crazy small, crazy busy lot. He could see that another car around the corner was there first so he didn't just zip into the spot. Car one pulled out, car two pulled forward and Bear waved him on. He continued past the spot and smiled and waved. Guess he was on the way out anyway...

The rest of the day was the usual pushing, shoving, cutting in line, yelling at children disaster that you might expect.

naptime

naptime

Rio, on her side, arm outstretched with her fingers gently laid on my arm, baby fingers doing a slow dance. I lean over her and rub my nose on her cheek which makes her smile, and her eyes softly and slowly close, open, close. Jack is curled up at her feet, touching against her to keep her toes warm. Hobbes is curled opposite Jack, they are like seashells that have gathered the warmth of the sun on the beach; now they share that warmth. I tuck my toes into the V between the dogs. Rio's sweet baby breath whispers across my face. We all doze off.

just a few quick things

just a few quick things

:: Starbucks ::

Actually got behind one of those people who ordered a, lemme see if I can get it right, a 'half caf skinny cap no foam'.

What is the fun of a cappucino without the foam?

:: potty mouth ::

I've decided, after a short review of my blog, to say 'feckin' in place of 'fucking' in just about everyother cocksucking sentence. I have a feeling Rio is going to be in trouble when she hits kindergarten.....

:: my friends ::

Best on the planet. You all know who you are. How on earth did I get so feckin' blessed?

:: friday ::

Supposedly that's the day we close on the house in Massachusetts. Pretty exciting stuff. Bear wants us to sleep there on Friday night. We have no furniture, no refrigerator and a baby and 2 dogs. I pointed this out and he said, "So, do you wanna?"

Gotta love that guy.

:: speaking of loving that guy ::

He is staying with my Baby Brother. BB can work my nerves like no one on the planet but I also love him like crazy and he doesn't do it too often...

Bear is staying with him. They watch a variety of cartoons every night until it's time for Bear to go to bed. BB typically stays up til 2 am... BB gets up every morning at 6 to make coffee and breakfast for my darling husband. AND he has a gourmet meal on the table for him when he gets home. Last night was a scallop and shrimp casserole. I fear he's getting spoiled and mentioned that.

bear: Don't worry. He lives close now. I'm sure he'll come over to cook.

Yeah. My first staff member. His Christmas bonus could be great.....

november 22nd

november 22nd

I should write this out first and edit it and make sure it makes sense but I don't think that's going to happen. I really need to get this just plain out of my system. Looking at the pictures causes my chest to tighten up but writing it out always helps....

On November 22nd we took Rio to Cranial Technologies to have her head cast. First there were pictures from all angles and she looked left, right, and up with little prodding. The pictures were perfect. Then came the casting.



First the really lovely woman put a stocking over Rio's head and cut a mouth hole for her to breathe and scream out of. It was a little high so I had to keep pulling it down so it was lined up with her mouth. She was howling.

Then the tech applied strips of plaster of paris over my baby's forehead, over the top of her head, around the sides and across her back of her head. Bear had to hold Rio's arms down at her sides. Bear said to take pictures because if we did ever want to see it and hadn't taken pictures, there would be no turning back. So I snapped.



I had flashes of the prisoners trotted out on Iraqi television with the bags over their heads, helpless. My heart wrenched out of my body in about a million different directions. I was hot, cold, scared, furious and shaken to the core. I wondered what the hell I had done to her that her head wasn't perfect. Did I sleep too much on the one side I had been told to? Did I get improper nutrients that made her head softer than usual, not resilient?

Could I have done anything differently to have avoided this torture for my child?



I bawled like an idiot through the whole procedure. It takes ten minutes to cast although it feels as if a solid piece of my soul was chipped away in those minutes. I couldn't think about it for days afterward and have been prone to tears regarding this whole situation. I know Rio doesn't know what's going on, really, and intellectually I know I haven't done anything 'wrong' but my first lesson in parental helplessness really sucks.

Monday we pick up her 'band'. I still don't know how I feel about it.

:: bulges ::

Marion won last night. She was in fine form and took everything except overall winner. That is a hard category to judge because the bodies from the different weight/age classes can look so different. We had a fabulous time, made some new pals and I have a diet I'm going to try to lose my mothermound, aka my belly :)

In other bulgey new...we head out in about an hour to Cranial Technologies. Bear and I are already arguing because it's Rio's 1st naptime and I'm concerned about getting her up and dressed in time for the appointment half an hour away and *he* says if we don't dress her we'll have plenty of time and *I* hold onto my desire to put clothes on her instead of shlepping her all over in her pajamas. I'm loosening up on this one, but it still rubs me the wrong way.

:: drunk ain't always funny ::

So we went to a comedy show after dinner last night, Marion and I. The headliner was a laugh out loud riot. We were howling and the guy was a real piece of work. For about an hour. Then he started drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks. The sad feeling of watching him slide from funny to mean to virtually incoherent is still hanging with me. I guess I always feel that way about people with a gift and the odd inner compulsion to murder that gift that is so often an accompaniment to said talent. There is a lot more swirling about in my head regarding this one but I have to shower and get ready for what I'm dreading....

:: the good, the bad, and the ugly ::

:: the good ::

Rio has whacked her melon the slightest bit out of shape with all the right facing and sleeping action. It's called 'positional plagiocephaly' and it scares the living shit out of me. Luckily, this place is all about dealing with it AND we caught it early enough that the slight problem should be no problem at all.

:: the bad ::

It costs $3000 dollars for this lovely hat. Previously, our insurance company paid for this with no problems. Our out of network deductible is $300 and that's what it would cost us.

Now, Cranial Technologies is negotiating with our insurance company, which will not be named unless I have to sue them, to be in network. For those of you in the know - this means that it will no longer cost Sucky Insurance, Inc. $3000, it will cost the negotiated 'usual and customary' amount, which is argued about by the companies. Who cares, right? Well, of late our insurance company has imposed an 'allowable' of $2100. This means Sucky Insurance will only agree to pay $2100, less our deductible of $300 which is $1800 and we will be responsible for the other $1200. Nice, huh?

I am ready to do battle. I know our attorney General hates insurance companies. Rio photographs well and this should be interesting.

:: and now, the ugly ::

... low lights. wonderful conjugal stuff that you don't really want to know about... bear heads to the bathroom to dispose of interim barrier method...

bear: I have some interesting news. turns up lights exposing the shredded condom still on his, uh, ah, manhood.

me: Oh. My. Fucking. God. forgetting completely about my new resolution not to say G*d....

bear: Well, Rio is so great. One more would be fun, no?

~the next morning at 9:01~

me: Hello Nurse. I need to speak to someone about emergency contraception.

nurse: Oh my.

me: Exactly.

Soooooooooo. This morning for breakfast I had left over cat fish and a banana. That doesn't mean anything, right?

:: 4 month check-up ::

Rio weighed in at 14.5 pounds and 26.5 inches. She is around 75th percentile for weight and off the chart for her height. She still seems like a peanut to me but when I look at pictures I can't believe how big she's getting. She had her shots and recovered like a champ. She is in good spirits tonight and is talking to herself in bed as we speak.

She had cherry Tylenol. The very first thing besides breast milk and formula ever. She took it without incident and I think that's why she's feeling ok now. One of the injection sites has a little blood visible in the bandaid and Bear said he had the overpowering urge to punch the nurse in the face while she was giving shots. Perhaps Rio and I should do the doctor thing alone from now on....

One distressing note: her melon is a little funky. She still sleeps only on her right side, although her range of motion is improving greatly. Dr Cohen is referring us to Cranium Technologies for a head piece. Bear is hoping they have t-shirts with their company name. Dick. Doctor Cohen feels that Rio could use a band to straighten out the slope of her head. I plan to glue rhinestones all over the thing. That or antennae. Maybe plastic daisies.....

I'm trying not to freak out and doing an okay job. I know her head is malleable, I know it isn't a huge deal and I know it is best for Rio and so it will be done. I also know when she's the president or something we'll be able to make great cash selling the photos to Star Magazine. *sigh*

:: dog day ::

Petey came to my friend Orra via the pound. Orra volunteers and walks the dogs twice a week. Awesome, huh? I call it 'dog shopping'. She used to insist she was just helping and would not want to have a dog right now blahblahblah and then Petey came in off the street.

She was abandoned, full of belly tumors, not burdened with a lot of teeth and filthy beyond description. It was looking like her days were numbered because the pound can't afford extraordinary medical care. Especially for old dogs. So, naturally, Orra took her home. On the first day Orra brought Petey to my house. We washed Petey. Four times. She was still a little stinky. Then Orra started with surgeries and doctors visits and specialists and we now call her 'bionic petey' cuz she's worth about 3 thousand dollars that Orra didn't really have.

Petey tried to hump Jack. She would pee with her leg in the air like a boy. She would beg and beg and then look over whatever tidbit she had wrangled as if she were inspecting it for bugs. She went to work with Orra at the bridal shop and brides would return just to see her.

Petey would look in the mirrors at Orra and then bark until Orra picked her up cuz she was all confused. She wore barrettes and loved catfood.

Orra came down from Vermont to help me pack up the house. Petey had a seizure the first night she was here. Apparently she also had a stroke because she was pacing and clucking like a chicken so Orra went right back home. Unfortunately, she had ridden down here with a friend and was riding back with another so I had to drive her halfway to Vermont last night. I said goodbye to Petey in the parking lot of a Friendly's and cried half the way home. I didn't have a good feeling about that clucking.

Orra's vet said it was time for Petey to go today. I'll miss that stinky, crazy, funny, sweet little dog.

:: back to the fun ::

Miss Rio was a ladybug for Halloween. She didn't quite know what to make of all of it, but the pictures were fun.



Bear was a Bee and I was a Cowgirl**.



** When we were filling out the paperwork at the hospital we were a little overtired, anxious and crazed.

bear: These are for social security. 'Father's occupation'. Writes Director of Technology Development SUI. 'Mother's occupation'.

me: I don't wanna be a housewife. That sounds boring.

bear: How about 'cowgirl'?!

me: Yes! Cowgirl.

Hence, the outfit. Told you the fun was back. Yeehaw. Now that the nugget is taking a nap I have to go pack my closet. More fun than a barrel full of monkeys.

:: blogger should be fun ::

And on that note, I've decided to cut a few of the blogs I read. I don't want to have virtual arguments so I'm only reading things that make laugh. :) I work hard to keep the reality light and manageable around here....yippykayay...

:: office space ::

If you haven't seen the movie, you should. I gather it's a bit of a cult classic and we enjoyed the weirdness of it immensely. Unfortunately, Bear has adopted the attitude of the main character rather deeply. Since giving his notice he has a whole new attitude.

BossMan: What would you say if we were to offer you a 30% raise?
Bear: I would say you should have done that a long time ago.
***
WorkerBee: Bear, aren't you supposed to be in the meeting that just started?
Bear: Well, sure, but I didn't feel like it.
***
WorkerBee: blahblahblah
Bear: Really? Well, I'm going to go take a nap now.
***
This is the best. Lillian is the secretary for X1 and X2. X1 has pissed through so many assistants that X2 had to beg Lillian to take over and help him out. The guy is an honest to G*d prick. So, knowing that both X1 and X2 can hear Lillian, Bear called in yesterday morning cuz it was after 9 and he hadn't even left the house to begin his 2 hour commute.

Lillian: Good morning.
Bear: Hi Lillian. I'm running really late this morning.
L: I hope everything's alright.
B: Oh, yeah, sure. It's just that there is this really good cartoon on and I want to see how it ends so I won't be leaving here for another 20 minutes.
L: (stifling a snort) Well, ok Bear, you need to do that. I'll let them know you're on your way shortly.
B: Thanks Lillian! I'll be sure to let you know how it ends!

He's completely outta control! At least he's having fun for the first time in years. That place. *sigh* He works in the most corporate hell for a guy who lied to his face and continued to short change him. He's had the crappiest bonuses and the HR woman who bailed last week told him how much the other Directors had gotten. Substantially more than Bear. It's like X1 enjoyed toying with my man. All is not forgotten. It is going to be very difficult to replace Bear. And not just cuz he's handsome and sickly amusing.....

:: today I was a bad mom ::

But it might have started last night. This morning I hear Hobbes go into the bathroom and drink out of the toilet. He rarely does that. Then when Jack heard him, he hopped off the bed and went into the bathroom with Hobbes. I know Jack can't reach the toilet so I went downstairs to check their water bowl.

Bone.Dry. With little lick-marks on the bottom.

I filled it with fresh, cold water with some icecubes and they both set to. It made me cry a little. We're all a little out of sorts.

:: cast your votes here ::

We're going to be house shopping. We're going to spend every last dime we have because it makes sense to have the most house we can afford now because we'll be better able to afford it as time goes on and making a percentage profit on a more expensive house yields a bigger profit. Yeah, whatever. But we're house hunting. Bear wants to sit down and decide on a list of things we really want in the new place. I know he's gonna need a place to put his stupid car**. I've come up with this:

*a library or room that can be turned into a library
*enough bathrooms so Rio can have her own
*whirlpool bath (Jack loves him a whirlpool bath!)
*breakfast bar in the kitchen

Feel free to submit your suggestions :)


** In our garage is a 1969 Ford Fairlane Cobra. Primed for the original canary yellow. All the original engine parts - in a box next to the car. No engine, flat tire, seats are out and the killer- he has had it since he was 18. He's the second owner. He has a death-grip on the sucker. He has told me at least 3 times that he needs to get rid of it because it reminds him of the fact that he is ever so slightly of the procrastinator bent. Like 18 years now. He thinks he'll someday soon restore it to its former glory and make a killing on it. Now, I think he should take a thousand bucks for it and buy a high risk stock and actually stand a chance of making money on it. I suspect he'll be buried in it.

:: if you want to know why I'm smiling all the time ::

Today Bear said that he sent me a copy of his resignation letter to proofread. I was in the car running a zillion errands so I said I'd have to get to it later. We had talked about him offering to continue in a consultancy fashion because he's the only one who understands their patent portfolio. So, we got home from a busy day and I've been cooking and making food and cleaning and just got a chance to check my email for his notes. He sent me a house that costs over 500,000 that I would love to live in but we can't possibly afford it. He also sent me this ( with names being changed to protect the dickheads and whatnot) :


November 2, 2004


Mr X1, Chairman
Mr X2, President
SecurityIzUs, Inc.
New York, NY


Dear Fric and Frac:


It is with regret that I inform you that I will be leaving SIU. I have accepted a position as a jungle guide for Jungle Tours, Inc., located on the west bank of the !Goorinnabway River in Zaire. My last day here will be November 12th, as I need to undergo a serious of innoculations and cavity searches at the Zaire Health Ministry prior to my trans-Atlantic journey. Fortunately, my rectum is quite relaxed due to the furious ass fucking I got here at SUI- there should be no problem getting the ol' sphincter-scope right up there, you know, to check for communicable diseases and such.

It has been a pleasure working with both of you and the rest of the SUI team. I have learned a lot. The biggest lesson I umm, learned is, umm, uhh, umm, that whenever someone says that they'll, umm, uhh, get me where I need to be, uh, uhh, ummm, they're full of shit! X2,you are a fucking lying piece of shit, prissy, wannabe elite executive, douche bag, ass licking loser. Riiiiggghhhttt. Grrreeaattt.... You suck! X1, ummmmmm, do you know that your mind is halfway down the toilet? Do you know that I have a file of things I've done for you so when you ask me to do it again a month or two later and again and again and again, all I do is go into the file, change the date, and give it to you as if I just did it? And then I go back to writing my fuckin' rap lyrics, yo? Whatthafuk? Go find a nice park bench to sit on so you can tell the pigeons how it was done in 1953. I'm sure they'll find it fascinating... so get your huge, fat ass into your horseless carriage and get the fuck outta here. You suck, too!


Sincerely,

BeaR


The CEO says 'greaaaaaat' all the time and once, at a conference, Bear counted how many times he said 'ummm' to keep himself awake during his presentation. I laughed until I wheezed when I read this. I don't know if you'll find it so amusing but I sure hope so!

He's accepting a new job tomorrow and quitting the one that he doesn't so much like tomorrow as well. Good times.

RIO JUST ROLLED OVER!!

I did manage to call all the important people before blogging it for the world but is anyone as excited as I am??!!

:: guilt ::

Evidently I'm going to have to work with a team of professionals if I'm going to escape being paralyzed by guilt. I went to see Marion's bodybuilding show in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. I couldn't sleep so I left at 6 sharp, hours before Miss Thing arises. I called way less than a hundred times but started missing her with all my heart by noon.

The show was fantastic. Lots of different bodies so the competition was hard to call. Marion placed third in heavyweight division and she looked f-ing amazing. I'll post pictures when my camera is talking to my computer again...

So, I kept having mini-bursting into tears episodes throughout the day. I didn't stay for the evening activities and missed a fabulous sushi dinner when I left at 3pm. I kinda felt like a bad friend. I wanted to get home in time for her bath. I was, in fact, consumed by getting home in time for her bath. I had to pee but didn't stop. I was running out of gas but was praying that I could make it. I was crying so hard I could barely see but I kept scrubbing at my eyes and driving like a bat out of hell. I made it home in time to jump in the tub with her and feed her and put her to bed.

I missed her terribly in the 12 hours we were separated. I realized anew I'm in the thick of a whole new ballgame.

I don't so much mind, either.

:: guilt as comedy ::

me: Bear, could you watch her for a few minutes so I can get dressed and grab a bite to eat?

bear: How do you usually get dressed?

me: I run back and forth to where I left her on the bed but now that she can roll over, it'll be a different story. So, please just take her and finish this bottle.

bear: ok.

Singing songs and feeding her and 'oo, you're a drooly julie' from the living room. Then she starts to cry. Bear can't seem to quite get his finger on the cause so he brings her into the kitchen where I've had 3 whole bites of a sandwich that I was able to hold with both hands....

bear: See, she just wanted her Mommy. She said, 'Oh no, not again. Don't leave me!'

Funny stuff.

.

*warning: content may be objectionable and depressing*

I got my period yesterday. Nevermind that in the ten or so years pre-pregnancy it had dwindled to a highly manageable day and a half affair and has now returned with a 'fill this uterus now it's so ready to go' vengence, nevermind all that. Nevermind that I have cramps that are causing me to lay about and whine and cry. Nevermind that for the first time since I can remember I have ruined a pair of panties, nevermind all that. Mind the cause of this cycle: byebye breastmilk.

'You did what you could.'

'Most people would have quit a long time ago with all the problems you had.'

'You said you'd be happy if you could breastfeed for 3 months and it's almost 4.'

Well meaning but I remain heartbroken. I didn't know this journey into motherhood would be peppered with these pitstops that so affect the way I feel as a woman.

I didn't choose to stop breastfeeding. I don't get to choose much these days. With Rio blessedly sleeping 12 hours through the night, that is a big chunk of time with no stimulation. With her being so much more efficient and evolving into more substantial and more spaced out feedings, less stimulation. Forget about the pump-I gave that sucker away. Forget about the drugs-I simply can't handle them. So, forget about breastfeeding.

Mind you, Rio is getting a bit flip about it, as well. Just this morning while latched onto the right one that has hardly worked since the beginning, well, she shot me a look as if to say, "Broken. Next."

So I switched her to the heavy hitter left breast. This morning I couldn't even hear swallows. Maybe one or two. Bear said to take her off and look at her tongue to see if it was milky. I told him that she gets the white tongue from the formula and that almost made me cry.

I will be gone to New Hampshire all day Saturday and I have a feeling that will be it. Stick a fork in it, it's over. No longer will I be able to walk around with her cradled against my breast, availing herself of the bit of breastmilk, while I prepare the bottle. She'll have to wait, yearning, for the ding of the microwave. Her first lesson in disappointment.

Not mine.

:: stupid busy ::

I use that expression. Is it an 'expression' or another one of those things that I make up then use all the time and then insist everyone says it?!

I'm stupid busy. It seems all of my hair clients have called to get in so I'm working when the sitter is here and even a couple of late nights this week. I'm tired! And I've been trying to get caught up on laundry mostly because my husband has taken to wearing verrry decorative t-shirts under his work shirts and he looks silly. So, I'll be off to the laundry room in a just a minute.

Today the painter was here and the guy came to give us a quote for making our lawn look like one and for turning our jungle into domesticated bushes and for mowing our lawn.

lawn dude: Boy, you've really let your yard go. I remember spreading mulch here and here and here last year.

me: Thanks for noticing, fatboy, but I've been busy and you didn't spread the mulch so much as you dropped it in the feckin' driveway and I lugged and spread it all over here and here and here.

lawn dude: Oh yeah, that's right. Well, it sure looked nice....

I know him personally so I want to give him the work but if he keeps saying how crappy the lawn looks I'm going to pop him one. Of course Rio was smiling and giggling at him like crazy. That girl is a flirt!

So, painter, then hair this afternoon, then the bank, bathed the babe and put her to sleep, cooked up some spicy catfish for dinner, more hair and I was just looking at a map online to see where I'm going on Saturday for a body building show, to lend support. Stupid busy. I just wanted to talk about.....

.... drum roll ....

There is an offer speeding its way to our mailbox as we speak. The 6 hour interview place really wants Bear and they've sent an offer already. The headhunter dude said he has never had a deal go into the works so quickly. They are totally telegraphing how much they love him so it'll be interesting to see what the offer is. We would have to move so I'll have to find new friends/doctors/veterinarian/dentist/deli/shoe store/park...but that could be fun. I'm excited and nervous and viciously behind in laundry so say a prayer or whatever...

I can't believe I'm going to tell you about this

But I obviously have boundary issues anyway...

We might have to sell our house. Our house that finally has been completely painted in fun and vibrant colors. Our house that finally has the furniture in the right rooms and most of the window treatments up and gorgeous. Our house where I'm trying to raise a baby and train some dogs and keep a husband happy. Mixed emotions about the move but it does seem inevitable these days...

So..my MIL is in real estate. She is, as I have mentioned before, fabulous beyond compare. She came over on Saturday to do a walk through to let us know what things we love that are too bizarre for the average home-buyer and what needs to be addressed structurally. Blahblahblah. So, I came outside with her and Bear to discuss the outside things about the house. We were walking behind the house toward the porch (that needs to be scraped, painted and adorned with new screens) when she stepped in the drainage dip for the deck. Well, she went down, albeit gracefully. When I turned around she was kind of rocking onto her side. I have the really bad habit of laughing hysterically when people fall so I was shocked but the laugh was already bubbling up when I ran to her side.

"Oh my God!" I shouted, forgetting that I don't say 'God' anymore. "Are you okay?"

And when I said 'Okay', I shot the mouthfull of cold pizza onto the top of her head. That made the 'fall' laugh really explode compounded by the 'I just spit pizza into my Mother-in-law's hair' laugh and, well, I kinda started to pee my trackpants a little. That caused a 'I can't fucking believe I'm wetting my pants' laugh which just turned a little wetting into a downpour, right into my socks. So I went running for the backdoor, knees together, pizza all over my face, screaming and laughing as I whipped my pants off completely forgetting I had no panties on but, really, at that point that was a minor transgression, and ran bare-assed into the house.

Keigel, shmeigal, I'm looking into surgery cuz that is just fucking retarded.

:: remembering what I never really forgot ::


That my man is hot. Hot. Sometimes when he's talking to me I don't really listen, just watch his lips and his tongue occasionally venture out of those lips and, mmm, well, just hot.

We went to dinner tonight. I wanted to get the full download about the interview while it was still fresh in Bear's mind. I called my SIL and BIL and they shot over here on short notice cuz they're rockstars like that. Then my darling BIL headed upstairs and I had to tell him he couldn't look at her until she was asleep because she's getting social and would so not want to sleep if she knew her fun Uncle Kracker and Auntie Lulu were just downstairs....

Rio was a mess trying to get to sleep after missing her afternoon nap, but that is another story. A story where everyone thinks I'm an overwrought first time mother that should just let the kid scream but it so isn't me kind of story but I digress.

We went to a great restaurant, delicious and fancy food and impeccable service. I wanted to hear all about the interview that lasted all day. I got it all and while I was listening to Bear (and watching his lips...) I was so feeling him. Just loving being his forever partner and looking forward to the adventures that lie ahead. He rocks and I know it and he knows I know it so that's a nice thing.

Can you tell I had 2 glasses of wine and a Baileys and coffee? I feel a little tingly....


AND...of course I looked in on Rio immediately upon returning home. She is so beautiful it makes me breathe a little on the shallow side, my heart is so swollen.

g'night!

:: the most boring update EVER ::

Marvel at my amazing karma. That can be the only explanation. Rio has been getting a tad crabby at bedtime and the naps are kinda starting to sort out during the day. Not great, but a glimmer of regularity is showing. Yesterday the sitter was here and Rio slept from 2-3:15. I wanted her to stay awake and to try to bump up bathtime a little bit. She fell asleep on her playmat! So damned cute. Lauren said that she was getting sleepy so I suggested the chiming toys on her mat. She played for a minute then surreptitiously stuck her fingers in her mouth and used the other hand to lay over her eyes and she dozed off. I picked her up to put her in her crib and that woke her up. SO...we ended up getting her in the bath quickly at 5:45 instead of around 6:30. She was out like a light by 7pm last night. Tonight we got a little behind but we were out of the bath by 6:40 and she had another bottle, boobie and was down at 7:05 and asleep almost immediately. NO fussing! She was just tired. So it looks like we need to get her into bed as close to 7 as possible. She is continuing to sleep a minimum of 11 hours, usually a solid 12. This is boring as hell unless you didn't sleep for 2 months straight. Not more than 3 hours. And I'm old:) So, I told you this was boring as hell but I am so thrilled that my baby is such a great sleeper. And that smile the minute she opens her eyes - we're dead meat.

:: company of my heart ::

Today my fabulous goddaughter and her equally fabulous mother stopped on the way to NYC. They are going in for Ali's birthday present; two days in the city and they'll be seeing 'Wicked' on Broadway and much fun and shopping at the American Girl Museum. I had the best 3 hours with them this morning. We've known each other for a long time now...leaving Stowe was hard because I realized how much of Ali's life I'd miss. Now with my own nugget, well, there is a bittersweet aspect to seeing the amazing young woman she's growing into. I just love the skin off that kid.

Friday my favorite aunt and cousin are coming from Wisconsin. I connected late with the paternal side of my family but these two make it feel like we never missed a minute. I am really looking forward to spending time with them and they can't wait to meet Rio, up close and personal. Yippee!

AND, as if that isn't enough excitement, my best friend Mich will be here the first weekend of November. We have a long and funner history which I'll relate soon. We crashed into each other at a million miles an hour and we spawned our own special universe. She is talented and funny and charming and beautiful and kind and equally as bad a drunk as I tend to be. For certain there are some embarrassing stories and I so promise to get to them.....

:: 2nd interview tomorrow ::

Blogger just lost the cursor so I'm typing and the words are magically appearing. Very cool. Very old school, you know, pre-cursor. Anyway...

I know they'll love my husband. He's a gem, no matter what he's doing. And he's f-ing brilliant and equally as handsome so...I've decided to accept that I'll probably be moving. I have decided to think of it as a great big adventure that I will love. If we move I'll take classes at RISD, find cool moms to hang out with, discover the best Italian deli on Federal Hill, shop at the new giant mall all the time and have lunch with Bear at least once a week.

I am a bit freaked at the prospect of packing up our lives here, but we'll be fine if that's what is the best thing to do.

:: dun.dun ::

But for now, I have to clean the guest room where Rio and I watch Dawson's Creek every day and sometimes get crackers on the guest bed. Law and Order is on and I know how to work the little TV in the guest room. The giant TV in the TV room with the 6 remotes is still out of my grasp.

**I warned you this was going to be boring. And I'm still so in love with this new and improved boring life ;)

can we even talk about how hot I am for my husband lately??

Yeah, I didn't think so. But something is up. I'd better run out and get my damned tubes tied.

:: bathtime is the best time ::

I often feel like I'm doing some sort of performance art when Rio and I take our bath. I have a flippy baby and we do our routine: toes and fingers with soap, get between all 20 digits with a baby facecloth, then the myriad of folds all over her body, shampoo the hair and wash the back and bum and then we play. Swishy baby, back and forth baby, swimming baby and reclining splashy baby. During this routine which, for reasons unknown, takes place in our smaller downstairs/guest bath, Bear sits on the toilet, Jack is between his legs with his head on the edge of the tub, and Hobbes has his giant pitbull head taking up the rest of the tub-front seating.

Tonight on the leeward swing of swishy baby, I let Hobbes lick Rio's foot. She smiled and now looks forward to that. What fun we have!

:: Becks without the Nyquil isn't as much fun... ::

...but I did have to put it on ice so I just hope Germany can't see me...

:: Metoclopromide is a tool of the devil :
This is why I didn't really want to know what I was taking to make milk spring forth from my breasts. If you are so inclined to read it, you'll wonder what the fuck I was thinking.

I decided to go back on it to get us through flu season. I had the worst panic attacks this morning. Bear ended up taking Rio to his mom's and to my SIL's so I could nap until some of this stuff cleared my system. I hate feeling like a crack head. A lot.

guh..

Rio is crying. She's comfortable, her nose is pretty clear, her head is elevated to the tune of 2 Norton Anthologies of American Literature under two legs of her crib high, and she's still unhappy. I think we've been holding her a lot since we've all been sick and she doesn't want to go to sleep on her own. Bear is in the nursery, shh-ing and comforting, and I'm at my desk with my heart so twisted up, it actually physically hurts.

Guh.

She'll be okay, it just takes a little longer on these nights....


The Worst Drivers In The World Live In Connecticut

Today was just plain bizarre there were so many horrendous drivers out.

>I followed a guy who came to a complete stop in the middle of the road due to construction that a cop was waving him through. So the guy sees the cop finally, goes forward and right through the red light at the intersection. Miraculously, no one was coming the other way. THEN at the next light, he makes a leisurely left hand turn and the traffic coming the other way has to stop so as not to hit him.

>So many people ran red lights, swinging across intersections, it was unbelievable. My light would turn green and 4 or 5 more cars would still be speeding through, making their left hand turn. Assholes. I pulled into the intersection and made one guy, on the phone, screech to a stop in the intersection and we simultaneously flipped each other off. Beautiful moment in driving.

>I wanted a coke. I was behind a girl who started beeping at the car in front of her the millisecond the light turned, she ran a red light to get into the BK parking lot, she dumped her trash in the parking lot not 5 feet from a garbage can, and in her neglect to look right as she pulled away from the drive-through, nearly clocked a town truck! I pulled up next to her as she waited to perform her death defying exit and said, "You really need to pay more attention to your driving. You're pretty much a menace." She said, "Fuck you." I said, "Sister, you are far too ugly for me to take that offer seriously," and I made my right hand turn - safely.

That was the tip of the iceberg today. I just wanted to get home. Alive. That was the goal of Connecticut driving today.

I'm pretty sure Rio's first sentence is going to be:

You stupid motherfucking cocksucker.

can we talk?

I sure can. Got more visits paid for by insurance. Basically they make you call in after every six visits to beg for more. No wonder we had bomb threats when I was working for Anthem BCBS. It was one of the only jobs I absolutely loathed and I made roughly 70K. Loathed it. Quit and haven't been happier. L.O.A.T.H.E.D. it. Enough said?!

So, we're back on the PT wagon. We go twice a week and Rio typically isn't too thrilled. I have to be honest and say that her head is starting to get a little, ah, funky from sleeping only on one side. A pal told me this morning that she has a friend who's baby had the same thing and the head kind of evened out and is round as a beach ball now so I'm not overly worried.

I am worried about having to pack up and move with an infant. Bear had his phone interview and, of course, it went well. His is a specialty that only maybe a couple hundred people on the planet can do so when a job needs to be filled that encompasses all his skills, well, everyone gets a little excited. I can't talk about it but it looks like we might be considering a move to the Providence area. I would miss my in-laws like crazy and that's no lie. Yesterday my SIL spent hours with a crabby baby and then was kind of sad to leave her. *sigh* AND we would be closer to my crazy mother although I don't plan to tell her until she actually drags her lazy ass over here to find we don't live here anymore. Then I'll have to explain but until that time - mum's the word. Hahahha.

Ok, she seems to be settling in a for a nap so I'm jumping in the shower with the monitor on full blast so I can hear if she wakes up. She never does while I'm showering, she really is the best baby on the planet.

I am more and more in love with her every day. Even days when she just screams for an hour and doesn't want to play anything we have to play and I don't have the slightest idea what she wants, I just smile and smile at her. Usually that makes her smile, too, so it's all good around the sickening sweet household. AND the sitter comes today so I may be able to get one or two things done around here.....

As usual, life is good.

~ rub-a-dub-dub ~

We three are in Vermont. My brother with a bag of, uh, goodies is watching and no doubt truly entertaining our doggers. We packed everything we thought we'd need:

*swing
*pack and play portable crib
*formula
*bottles
*samples of formula for Banana, my best friend who bf every 2 hours and is finally exhausted enough to slip the kid the tiniest amount of the devil's juice...
*a dozen outfits for the princess
*a stroller
*one small bag with clothes for me and Bear

I packed all the gear and then packed the car. Bear came downstairs with a pile and some shoes..

bear: Do these shoes look stupid with these jeans?
me: I packed your clothes already.
bear: ...
me: I've been packing all morning. You've been dinking around so I packed your stuff up so we could leave sometime today.
bear: I packed some stuff. I packed our toothbrushes. I packed them so they're kissing!
me: ...

So, we had the car jam packed and now we're here with everything we could possibly need except Rio's bathtub. I knew I forgot something.

Just put her in the sink, you're saying. Mare has a very bizarre, very deep, very unbaby friendly sink so...we took a bath together. Me and Rio. It was absolutely beautiful. I swooshed her around, back and forth, she was soooooo relaxed. I had her under her arms and I could feel her trunk relaxing and she had the best face of discovery on. Bear was watching us with his all teary eyes, towel at the ready. It was a great experience for all three of us and that's how we'll be bathing until she is old enough to sit up on her own.

That is the great thing about being new parents. The whole new way you look at a bathtub after your child has shown you how it looks to her. I love watching her figuring things out in her world. We both rejoice in her daily progress to the point where I'm sure we're the slightest bit sickening.

bear: Look! She put her hand right in her mouth! First try!
me: I know! And now she's just got her thumb in her mouth!
bear: Remember when she couldn't hit her mouth with her hand? This is so exciting!

We will probably faint and then have a parade when she sits up...

:: PT- Physical Therapy or Poopy Time?! ::

Turns out my daughter is developing shtick already! We had PT again on Thursday. She farted soooo loud in the waiting room-twice. Then we got into the room and she:

A. pooped her pants. loudly. and copiously.
B. peed all over after I got the above poopy diaper off and before I got the new one under her (for those of you tempted to give me diapering hints-please refrain!)
C. threw up on the physical therapist.

I laughed when she did each thing. That kid is cracking me up already! And she is doing so well with looking all over the place and developing her sideways glances to BOTH sides....

:: tummy time ::

She needs extra tummy time to develop her neck girdle or some such crap. So we've both been making extra special efforts to plop her on her gut. She isn't too fond of it, much prefers to be ferried about on someone's chest but who wouldn't?! Tonight I played with her for and hour and a half straight. Tummy time then roll over on her back and play with the rattles/crinkly bugs/tissue paper/ 'things' that we play with. She was all keyed up, shaking her fists in the air and kicking her feet.

Bear had the dogs on the couch because he's concerned about them jumping on her and poking her eye out. That is for real what he fears. Glad to know I'm not the only one who is a freak....so the dogs were on the couch with him but whining to get down. We let them come down to play. They both licked Rio on her head, hands, feet and legs and that was about it.

Is there a point here? None whatsoever. We can now lay on the floor all night long on a Saturday night and when we bathe Rio and put her down to sleep at 8:30 we can both feel perfectly content to check email and then head to bed ourselves. How things change....

bump

I've hit my first motherhood 'bump'. Rio has torticollis. I've been reading and researching so I have a list of questions for the pediatrician who should be returning my call shortly. I'll bet they hate the internet.

I wasn't worried initially because everyone involved said it wasn't a big deal. Well, it isn't unless it persists or there is a bony anomoly or her head starts to warp. THEN there is cause for concern. I'm all wound up and waiting for a phonecall.

Bear is a Silly Rabbit

Today he made the highly unpopular choice to go to Long Island for the day to meet with a tattoo artist. I don't care if he becomes the Illustrated Man, but I would prefer that he wait until our child can sit up. So...my friend Leigh called and asked what she could do to help. Come on over! She has vaccuumed, laid a rug and cut the underneath pad to fit, folded laundry, fed Rio a bottle and helped me sort out my shoe closet. I dumped at least 20 pair so now I have just few open spots.....

Life is good. Rio is doing incredibly well now that we have her on a sleep schedule. She is much more well rested and night time sleeping has been between 6 and 9 hours all week! Once this groove gets going, I hope to be able to relax and sleep a bit more, as well. One thing at a time.

So, Bear is on the ferry in an absolute rainstorm and I hope his cellphone works from the deserted island he's headed for :)

you've got to believe it's getting better, it's getting better all the time

Bear makes 3 extra house payments a year. That means our house will be paid off in 17 years. THAT means that if Rio decides to attend college on Mars, we'll be able to afford a ticket :) I said to Bear, " I need that extra money for the next few months. If I don't get some help, I'm going to go right out of my mind." He said, "Done!". Gotta love that guy. He really gets it.

So, Lauren comes in Tuesdays and Thursdays from 4 til 7. I have a trainer on Monday mornings and Thursday mornings. Bear gets home early on Fridays so now Wednesday is the only super long day alone with Rio. After Lauren came, Bear and I went out for a hotdog and ice cream cone and then we went to the top of East Rock Park and sat on a wall and looked out over New Haven. We still talked about her and I still thought about her the whole time, but it was really good to get away for a couple hours. I can so clearly picture her, being held against her daddy's chest, with that oversized head bobbing around and she searches for me. Things are getting much better. That feeling of relief is still with me. I can do this. Gracefully and happily.

****

One thing that came out of her 2 month checkup is she favors her right side. She doesn't like to turn her head to the left so the doc recommended physical therapy. We went yesterday. The physical therapist said that parents don't usually notice the favoritism until the fourth month or later. I said we're not usual parents.

So...I have to do some stretches with her and we will be going twice a week for the next three weeks. We hope to be released at that time.

Well, the princess is waking up from her morning nap so I have to go now. I know that some of you were worried about me, with good cause. Never a good thing to cry three days in a row. We are all doing much better. Rio is getting plenty of sleep and dropping off at the appointed times, which is good for all of us. I'm much more rested and feeling a bit more like myself. Gotta run!

Rio's first night

After she was wisked out of my delivery room Bear went to take a picture of her so I could see what she looked like. I was so amazed that I had actually had a baby I was in more than mild shock. I assumed that I would have a C section at the last minute and I almost did but natural delivery hopped up on drugs was definitely the way to go.

Bear ambled back into the room where the doctor was still sewing me up. He showed me her little face on the LCD screen on the back of the camera. "Wow" was all I could say. "How much does she weigh? How long is she?" I was concerned with her being 3 weeks early and all. Bear just gave me a blank stare and ambled back out to go find out some pertinent facts.

***

After they cleaned me up I was transferred to my room. They came to see if I wanted to go to the NICU to see my baby. Of course. Could I walk? Of course! So I careened to the NICU on numb legs, carried by sheer anxiety. Was she alright? Did I really see a big purple bump on her head? Did the nurses respect my wish to soley breast feed or had they started undermining my decisions?

I got there and she was so tiny. She was pink, which was great because she was gray/blue the last time I had seen her. Her hair was cleaned up a bit but she was still bloody in a lot of places with vernix in all of her folds. She grabbed my finger and all the fears I had about whether she would know me disappeared. I stood, my finger in hers, tears streaming, for about half an hour. When I felt faint I asked to go back to my room. She had to stay. Precautionary, they explained.

***

People kept arriving and grandparents were allowed to see her so when each set arrived, Bear escorted them to the NICU and they all came back to say what a good job I had done with such a beautiful baby. I was still in shock.

We had planned to 'room in'. That means that Rio stays in my room with me and I feed her and change her for the 2 days until we are discharged. Change in plans. By dinner time it was apparent that she would be spending the night in the NICU. It was just down the hall so I could see her whenever I felt like it so that was good. I sent Bear home because the flipout in my room was crazy small for him. With no baby there was no reason for him to stay with me. I sent everyone home and paced back and forth to the NICU in my pink pajamas.

***

By 4 am I had attempted to breast feed Rio 8 times. Every 2 hours. There was absolutely nothing to be had and she was starting to show it. A kindly nurse said, "Honey, you're going to have to consider formula."

That simple. We were so sure breastfeeding was going to work that we hadn't even bought bottles. So, standing in a dimly lit hall at 4:30 in the morning with fear, guilt, disappointment and shame all vying for top bidding, I made the decision. "Give her a bottle."

the things 'they' don't tell you

'They' don't tell you that whatever you were expecting-this ain't it.

'They' didn't mention that I would have no idea what to do with a ten week old. I mean, do I prop her up on the couch and make funny voices to match her scowl, cuz that's what I've been doing....

'They' don't tell you how it feels to be so tired you can't sleep and how it feels to be staring another month of this in the face.

'They' have loads of sympathy and good tidings for the first two weeks and then 'they' don't call for months. I am sorely disappointed in someone who I have a lot invested in. And I don't have the energy to call and say 'I need you'.

'They' didn't think it prudent to share how goddamned scary motherhood is. I look at that child and know I'm responsible for her life today, tomorrow, the day after that and so on. She can't feed herself, hell, she can't sit up yet. I'm all she's got day after day and I'm freaked out of my head.

'They' forgot to tell me that I would feel a little lost inside. I realized tonight that my very existance is changed. I will never be just 'Nita' again. Forever we are attached and bound and tangled up as a unit. She grew inside me and now that she's out I worry about this mean world and how we'll handle her disappointments. I suspect I won't handle them well and I have to raise her to be able to weather what may come. Talk about an oxymoron.

'They' never mentioned all the fears that come with being a mother. Walking down the street watching every approaching car like a hawk, prepared to pick up the carriage and run up the hill to escape a careening drunk driver. Every car. On a three mile walk. I'm exhausted! Or scrubbing the top of the formula can so no single fatal microbe can slip into the mix and kill her. Or never answering Fedex or UPS anymore because it could be an imposter. I'm exhausted and my mind races with bizarre and disturbing thoughts of all the things that could go wrong. Did our tough start kick me this way? I don't know but something's gotta give.

'They' don't tell you that you just might cry all the time and NOT be depressed. 'They' don't tell you there's no reason for it, it just happens.

Sometimes I sort of wish this is all a dream and I am going to wake up. You know those waitress dreams where you wait on 3 stations and the kitchen is across a five lane highway and you are so exhausted when you wake up? But if this is a dream and I wake up still pregnant, I'm going to have some serious reservations about this whole shooting match.

***********************************************************************************

Believe it or not, everything is great. I love her so much it twists my heart into a pretzel. We're getting her on a sleeping schedule and she's more rested and there is more opportunity for me to shut my eyes. I really don't know what to do with her, but I think she's amused most of the time. I had to stop holding her all the time, which seemed natural, because all of the sudden she refused to be put down. Ever. For a second. She would scream her little head off and that actually makes me sweat...Sooooo, we worked through that and now I really am propping her up and making little shows for her with age appropriate stimuli. Really, we're fine.

'accidental parenting'

Evidently there is a name for our style of parenting. Yippee. Basically, my fear left over from the NICU days made me an 'on demand' parent. That is okay for the first few weeks until we all figure out how much Rio needs to eat and when she needs to sleep and for how often, etc. When one maintains that helter-skelter non-schedule, one winds up with a baby who really can't decide what to do and when to do it because, hey, she's a baby!

Last night we reached our wits end. Rio has been crying for the better part of this week and it's mostly due to exhaustion. You can see it in her little face and her eyes have a little red mask and we're all so beat it almost seems impossible. We made the decision to get her out of our room entirely and put her in her lovely crib with the best mattress money can buy that she has barely been in these 10 weeks. So, while she screamed in our faces (for, you see, she didn't know what she wanted at that point and she was crazy cranky from being overtired so really, all a baby can do is scream!) we reviewed the mess we have made of things. We let her sleep:

on the guest bed
on our chests
in our bed
in a bassinet in the living room
in her swing
in a pack and play in our room

Yeah, when you take a minute to think about it the insanity is obvious. So we put her in her crib last night and followed the Baby Whisperer's advice which runs somewhere between hold her all the time and let her cry it out. In other words, this woman put into words our feelings after reading all the recommended baby books.

It sounds insane but we have to teach her to soothe herself into sleep. Because we've trained her to fall asleep in all the above places with the following 'props':

rocking
swinging
my finger in her mouth
bear's finger in her mouth
bear walking her back and forth

she can't get to sleep by herself. What BW says to do now is to put her down and then you have to pick her up...every time she starts to cry. The thinking is we're telling her 'Hey, we're right here, you're ok, you can go to sleep' and then we have to be consistent about it. Ugh. I only had to pick her up 11 times before she fell asleep. The book talked about times in the hundreds so I am hopeful we've nipped this in the bud a bit. And today we embarked on a schedule:

walk begining around 8 or 9
nap after that
lunch
playtime (today Bear danced out the Nutcracker with a piece of pink tissue. She was highly amused)
naptime

I just got her to sleep and it only took 15 minutes. We watched her for yawning and fading and I put her in her crib. She didn't cry at all. When she did start to fuss I helped her find her mouth with her fingers and she soothed herself.to.sleep.

whew

I never wanted to have children. That's not saying I'm not thrilled we have Rio, that's just saying that it has never been a driving force or even a given for how I pictured my life. Having her is so beautiful that words don't suffice for encapsulating the feelings that wash all over the place when I even think about her. I am unprepared for this epic journey but I'm reading and learning so much and figuring most of it out by feel and I think I'm doing a pretty good job. My heart is in the right place at least.

I think back on the months preceding her arrival and how they were jammed with finishing school and being sick all the time. I don't know how I should have prepared differently, but I would have slept one HELL of a lot more.

I'm going to look in on the sleeping princess and then spend some time with Bear. It has been a wonderful day, today.

no sleep til brooklyn

I'm tired. Not just tired, bone crushingly borderline exhausted tired. I feel like crying a lot tired. Prisoner of war tired.

Yesterday Maidpro came for 2.5 hours. I'm not so impressed but glad the vaccuum was run. The house is getting a bit out of control so until Mare gets here, this will suffice.

Bear decided to stay at work really late last night. He may have told me, but I suspect not. I cried. See first section.

Mother called and when I told her I needed some help she said, "Don't tell me. I've been there. I did it with 2 of you, all by myself."

I said, "Did you want something or did you just call to make me feel inept?". She hung up. I say, 'Bravo'.

The reality is....she ran back and forth between Wisconsin and my father and Cape Cod and her mother. She used to leave me with her mother and sister to go torture my father and, oops, get pregnant with my brother. We were both conceived in Wisconsin and born on the east coast. Huh? She lived with her mother and sister and continued to do so after my brother was born. So that is at least 2 people to help her, not to mention no one had jobs and my grandmother had staff. So when she calls instead of stopping by with a casserole or perhaps HOLDING RIO FOR A FRIGGING SECOND SO I CAN SHOWER WITHOUT WORRYING...she calls and makes me feel bad. And then I feel even worse for snapping at her. BUT...she ostensibly moved down here to 'be near her grandbaby' and she's been to my house twice since Rio's birth and she left a mess both times. Ugh.

On a happy and not bitching note....Rio's 2 month checkup was great. She had her shots which killed me and Bear. We learned that she really CAN scream. But she didn't have any real reaction except she's been a bit fussy which is okay because in general-she's perfect.

She is 10 pounds 10 ounces and 24 inches long. Bear is all proud because she's in the 95th percentile for length so he's all convinced she'll be tall like her dad. He's so cute :)

Alrighty then. My friend is here so I'm going to shower and go to my 6 week checkup 4 weeks late....hope the doc doesn't notice :)

she's gone. oh i, i'd pay the devil to replace her she's goooooooooooooone, oh i....

or something a lot like that....

Yup. Got an email and then a call from a really funny 50 year old lady who offered me a bunch of 100's for my bike so she's moving out Saturday. I'll take pictures. I'll be the one crying....

:: retail therapy ::

IKEA rocks the planet for people watching. I make up little stories about them in my head. The very strange looking ones, I make them super wealthy. If you're a freak of nature, you should at least have good cash flow in my world....

I got this and this for Rio's room. I also got these for my closet which I really should post a photo of. It is epic and disgusting and I love it. Bear actually got my shallow ass to leave my whole life for a giant closet but that's another story altogether....

what's ugh?

I will flesh out a couple of stories that Bear has asked me to over the next few days.....

We were in our room, having a sort of argument about something. He was blahblahblahing about something or other and I was making my usual non-sequitor replies.

bear: That's really all I'm saying.
me: That's rarely all there is to say.


he moves to his closet door and talks at me, still in bed...


bear: Honestly, I just wish you'd pick up your clothes once in a while.
me: (faaaaaart)
bear: What's 'ugh'? What does 'ugh' mean?

I start howling with laughter. He thought my fart was me saying 'ugh'. Yeah, I guess a lot of these stories are funnier if you're there. So now he's always saying, 'What's ugh?' and then we laugh. Hardeeharhar, huh?

maybe a better one?

There is a reason my husband doesn't do drugs. Turns out, he's not so good at them. Case in point....

I had gone to DC for a couple of fun filled days with my former state representative's daughter. I called Bear to see how everything was going. He couldn't talk but asked me to call him that night. Okaaaaay.

He had troubles sleeping. He took a couple of Ambien. Then, about 30 minutes later when he found himself still awake, he took a couple more. And then more. ...and more. This is where the fun begins.

*ring,ring* telephone at 2 am....

bear: H'lo?
gossipy next door neighbor: Are you alright?
bear: Of course. How are you?
gndn: Your house alarm is going off. What's going on over there?
bear: Umm, I'm battling a small fire....
Sets the phone down and starts making shuffling noises so she yells, gives up and calls 911.

*ding dong* cops at the door

bear: H'lo?

It is important to point out that Bear is dressed in nothing but a work shirt. Yup, no pants, hell, no underwear. And he has rugburn on his forehead and knees from falling down the stairs.

cop: Everything ok, sir?
bear: Yeah, sure.
cop: Uh, ok, do you know how to turn off this alarm?
bear: Yup. It's in the basement.
cop: ... Can we go down there and see?
bear: Sure thing..
and he leads them downstairs and shuts off the alarm, all the while smooth as silk and half naked.

The cops leave. Bear goes to bed for the rest of his good nights' sleep. The next morning as he backs out of the driveway, Nosey Neighbor shoots out of her front door and up to his car.

gndn: How are you this morning?
bear: Fine, you?

He thinks what a weirdo she is and drives off. When he frowns, he notices a tight feeling across his brow and discovers the rugburn when he looks in the mirror....

He makes me call the cops when I get home. I, of course, rush home that day cuz he can't tell me exactly what went down except for the rugburn, broken banister rails and the cop's card on the table by the door!

me: I'm calling about the incident at ** Jackson Road...
cop: Well, basically maam, your husband came to the door with his gonads hangin' out. Once he got the alarm shut down and we determined it wasn't a domestic, we left him to his own party...




Yeah, half the gene pool....

gulp

Last night Bear walked the nugget around when she woke up at 11 cuz she went to bed too early. Getting a schedule down is tough with an infant! So, he brought her to bed with us because that is how she sleeps the absolute best. One hand on dad, one hand on mom. I woke up at 3 am with the corner of my pillow over her face. It's ok cuz her face was turned to the side and my pillow is of the lightest down so it didn't crush the breath out of her but still. Shit. My heart is still pounding thinking about it. I grabbed her to see if she was breathing and she didn't wake up, just mewed. That's it. No more sleeping with us. It is way too nerve-wracking. I mean, hell, how do you continue to live if you suffocate your baby by mistake in your sleep?! She's in our bed now, taking a nap. I just keep circling the bed like a shark, thankful.

My heart is still in my throat. Today might be a bad one.....

FUUUUUUUUUUCK

More lessons from how fickle Blogger can be. Did you know that if you preview, check a link and then back up, you lose your entire post? I feel like I'm back in the early days of computers when you would be on a wild tear, writing, creating, not saving and *poof* it would be all gone. So, who knows what genius was lost? Ugh.

CLEP

College Level Examination Program. I CLEP'ed 33 credits. Simple stuff. One of the tests I was approved by the Dean to take was Algebra. Not such simple stuff. So, it turns out I've mostly graduated Magna Cum Laude from my college. I still owe this test. I was hoping that my karma was spectacular enough for it to somehow disappear that I've taken no math. No such luck. Crap. So I'm doing the self teaching book before I take it in 2 weeks. The only problem is I can 'hear' that in my brain, I am SO not paying attention....

The difference between a polynomial and a binomial is blahblahblahblah..IwonderwhatDawson'sCreekepisodeplayedtoday...didIremembertofeed
thedogs...isthatpoopIsmell?blahblahblah. Wish me luck.

Ooo la la LA lala

Overheard from Bear's conversation with Rio just now...

bear: The official complaint of the day is 'Ooo la la LA lala'.
rio: Ooo la la LA lala.

So damned cute. But not as cute as when he sings this song to the nugget. You have to understand he has a very deep voice so when he tries for that high note, and he does, it is pure comedy. That poor kid doesn't stand a chance in hell at having musical talent. Well, aside from Bear's Hoffman Syndrome*** and how that makes him such a superior drummer.....

She remains the perfect baby...

Mothers, turn away. Everyone else...guess how long Rio slept last night? She had a bath at 9 was asleep by 10 and slept until 4:45 this morning. Is that incredible or what?! I left a message for my best friend, who is breastfeeding her newborn every hour on the hour, that she should watch her mail cuz I'm sending formula and bottles! Seriously, the breast feeding is going well for someone with mangled milk ducts. She is growing like a weed and is super strong. I love how she whips that head around, too. *sigh*

Ok, I have to stop typing so I can listen to Bear converse with her. He makes my heart soooo happy. Ok, except he's saying to our baby, "This diaper is huuuge. They're as big as my grandmothers. That's some funny shit. Here's a dry dizzle for your pizzle. Ooo, fartronella is in the house."

*sigh*
teehee :)


*** I couldn't make the trackback work so here's what I was referencing above....

from June 11th

hoffman syndrome

Speaking of my funnyman..... He comes home yesterday from a new neurophysical (?) doctor as he tries and tries to recover from January's car accident.

Bear: This guy is so smart. He took out all these kinesiology books to show me exactly what he was talking about. And he did all these tests and showed me on a giant chart exactly how the nerve bundles grow from infancy through adulthood. It was fascinating!

me: *wrinkling forehead hoping I never have to go to this guy*

Bear: And he said I have 'Hoffman Syndrome.' You know what that is? (At this point he begins to hold his fingers up in weird configurations, flicking certain ones in an effort to recreated the tests the doc was doing. He looked silly.)

It means I'm hyper reflexive. The doc asked if I had superior hand eye coordination. ( I immediately thought of his drumming skills and juggling skills. Here's a hint: His drumming practice sessions are 40 second spats of drumming punctuated with loud "Fuck!"s when he misses something. His juggling, while impressive, causes the dogs to leave the room lest they be beaned again.)

me: Does this syndrome explain why you have to hang your mouth open for your hyper reflexivity super duper hand eye coordination to kick in?!

Evidently, there is no direct correlation. Go figure.

:: she's got a waaaaay about her, don't know what it is, but I'm sure that I could live without her..... ::

That would be the sound of the other shoe dropping. I was dropping a pal off after she dropped off Bear's new favorite toy** when Mother- called. She told Bear that my grandfather was in the hospital dying so I should give a call. Then she regaled him with the tale of Keith. Keith is the guy she was shtupping while he spent winter break from college at our house. The tale now goes that he wanted to drop out of law school to take care of her (her language) and she wouldn't allow it so now he has her to be thankful to (again, her language) now that's he a big lawyer in California. That and she was married to Jim about 29 minutes after her divorce to George was final, but facts don't figure hard in Mother-'s life. Bear said it was a bizarre conversation, at best. She told him how Keith was a lifeguard and built like a brick shithouse (again, her language) and how she didn't know where things would go but she was excited to see and all that jazz. So, 2 minutes giving the number for Grampy in the hospital and 15 minutes of Keith this and Keith that.

I walk in and Bear hands me the phone with an eye roll so I don't know anything. She tells me my grandfather has a mass on his kidney, 80 percent blockage of 3 arteries and his pacemaker, newly installed, appears to have a low battery.

I start to cry. Mother- says there is no need to be upset. I ask if he's going to be alright and she says, "Probably not. This is probably it for your grandfather. He has Jill there (my aunt of whom my Mother- is insanely jealous) and that's who he wants so I'm sure they'll figure out how they want to handle things. If you have questions, you should call Jim."

NOW...my mother went for more than ten years without speaking to my grandparents for some sleight, real or imagined. She thinks everyone likes Jill better because she's prettier but it really is because Jill isn't an evil witch.

Jim is her ex-husband (a critical care nurse who is fabulous at his job) who I am in contact with because he's the only father type person I ever had that wasn't a total fuckwad. She is always trying to get info about him from me. All I've spilled is that he lost 40 pounds and looks great...twist, twist.

M-: He's had a full life and he is surrounded by the people he has chosen. Did they call you (knowing full well they had asked HER to call me so they had not...)?

me: I don't know how you can be so blase about his situation but I can assure you that even if he was 120 years old, I would still be upset that he's sick.

M-: Really, Nita, he's 87 and it's silly to feel that way. This has been coming for some time now. He's an old man and his health was bound to fail. With the mass on his kidney probably being cancer and his imminent heart failure, they'll probably just let him go.

At this point I'm seething. I am so tempted to throw her overblown reaction TO HER DOG'S DEATH up in her face. Remember her reading the whole dog book and then crying about Ben? Who's been dead for more than 4 years?! And I'm supposed to just be 'okay' with my grandfather's death.

me: You're certainly entitled to feel however you want to about your father and I'm entitled to feel whatever I am feeling about my grandfather. Now, I'm going to call him and tell him I love him. Goodbye.

And I hung up. I called the hospital and got Grampy himself.

G: Hi darlin'!

me: How's it going, kid?

G: Ok. I'm going to have open heart surgery on Monday or Tuesday. The kidney business is just a thick coating of some sort, so that doctore isn't too concerned. Says we can figure that out after surgery.

me: How are you feeling about all this?

G: Well, darlin', I guess it isn't my time yet although I may pop the doc who put in this pacemaker right in the nose! Low battery? Don't they check these things?! Hahahahaha.

I wanted to kill her. At the very least I wanted to call her back and tell her if she could get off the phone with Keith for A FUCKING MINUTE and fact check before she called me she would have known what was really going on. I'm still pissed today but I didn't call her. And I'm not going to. She has shut people out of our lives ever since I can remember. She is the Queen Mother- of the grudge and the world record keeper for holding them. I am not going to speak to her for a while. I'm going to use caller ID as it's supposed to be used and she can go take a flying fuck at a donut while I try to purge this rage I have inside. Bear and Rio and the doggers really help....

My grandfather is probably going to keep on ticking. Evidently, the time bomb that was niceMother- has finally exploded. We all knew it had to end this way, right?


**On a lighter note, you'll never guess what we got for a hundred bucks and a full head of three color highlights....



Maybe I should have taken the money for doing the highlights, whaddaya think?!

and I'm slippin' into the Twilight Zone...

Truly amazing music came from the '80s and you know it.

Mom arrived on time and watched Rio while I cut and colored some hair. She didn't tweak me again. It is getting harder and harder to deny this nice streak. She isn't seeing her crazy Vemont therapist anymore (and I don't mean that in the nice way, I mean that in the actionable way) and she's not taking the zillion drugs that said crazy therapist used to give her and I really think it's making a difference. Yay for us.

She is still overly emotional and insane so there is THAT to deal with. She called to let me know she'd made it home alright. Honestly, you'd think she had to drive through a real life Mad Max stretch of highway to get home the way she's so always so thrilled to have negotiated her way to safety on I95!

She had stopped and bought a dog book. Pictures and little captions. So, she called, said she'd made it (whew!) and then proceeded to read me the caption that accompanied each and every photograph in the book. Even after I said I could look at it when I visited next. Even after I asked if it was a long book. Even after I gave up and just started talking to Bear while she was reading. She made it all the way through the book and then started crying cuz she misses her dog that has been dead for 4 years. And she has a new one. Sometimes I just think she'd be better off in a nice.safe.place.

Like a sanitarium.

Whatever.

ZZZZZZZZ

So.....Rio slept 6 hours again last night. I swear I have the most perfect baby on the planet. Today we are going to Breastfeeding Consultants. We are going to weigh her before and after to see if she's really getting anything. There will be no pictures of this exercise, regretfully. Oh, it's not that I'm shy. They are top secret there so no cameras, you see.....

Tragedy on the homefront

Bear has poison ivy. If you know of any remedies please send them along because if he continues to bitch about it, I'm going to scrape it off with a big knife.

Thank you.

make room in the trash for all parenting books

Last night Bear slept in the guest room because he has some big meeting today and he can't sleep through this one. Fine, Rio and I head to bed around 10pm. By 11 she is fed, clean and dry and laying next to me in bed. We fall sound asleep playing, which is nice if you haven't done it recently. At 2:30 this morning she woke both of us up fussing around. I do a clock-check. Three hours, okay, she could be hungry.....OR she could sleep for a little bit longer. I roll her up onto my chest and she goes right back to sleep. Until 5:30 this morning!! Yes, six hours of sleep for the nugget. Looks like she'll be on my chest until she crushes the life out of me.

On another note...

I try to keep these 2 up for as long as possible when I see them. Ali, my goddaughter with Rio....



and SamSam The Frying Pan Man, keeping himself entertained.



These kids are so great I can't even explain it. When I found out I was pregnant I called their mother and said, "Ok, write down everything you did with Sam and Ali. I'll need to know it all." I'm still waiting....

Mother's arrival is imminent

And I'm not even concerned. She has been lovely lately so who knows what she's on. We'll see if it lasts. She is all jazzed up because she's back in contact with some dude she was shtupping during her second marriage. He's 15 years younger, divorced now and she's planning a trip. What a trip THAT should be. I don't want to know. So, I'm going to shower and then bathe Rio and wait for Mother to arrive. I'll keep you posted....

my god-daughter

I'm more of a secular god parent and actually, I got upgraded from Fairy Godmother. I almost prefer that.....

Ali and I have traveled these paths before. We were crazy about each other from the first moment we met which was when she was about 18 months old and her mom brought her into my old hair salon for a haircut. She was the worst wiggle worm for years and I am happy and sad that she sits so still now, like a big girl. She is getting ready to go into middle school this year which is big. She has had teachers that were actually threatened by her and I worry for her alot, although she doesn't really need me to. She is the most wonderful bundle of character I know. She is simultaneously incredibly brave and such a little girl. She can be snarky and then blink at you with her giant eyes and you don't mind at all. She is an unbelievable actress. When she is on stage, she is all you want to look at. I have cried at every single one of her plays. When she does her first Burger King commercial, I'll have to quit television... She is very very bright, incredibly witty, beautiful as all hell and special to her core. She makes me wish I was a better person so I never ever let her down.


Rio and her rocker

She likes this, despite the 'I'm so bored with this' face.



She is growing like a weed. Already she is too big for some of her clothes. Too long, to be precise. We are loving her like crazy and she remains perfect. She also remains up all night. I let her sleep on my chest sometimes and everyone says what a bad idea that is. I really don't care. She sleeps. I'll worry about the transition when she's 11 or so. Seriously, she's just too young to leave her crying about sleep when it's so easy for us to find it for her right there on my chest :)

I just found this haiku that I wrote the day after returning from Ocho Rios...it was the day I got pregnant :)

what a vacation!
fun and sun and r and r
but i did miss home

fat folks on the plane
overtook my extra seat
so i could not nap

i was excited
flying in over boston
just a few more hours...

i phone him first thing
i'm supposed to head up north
he says i should go

'i want to see you
i missed you so much, my sweet
didn't you miss me?'

i am a bit sad
i was gone-and forgotten
so i tell him this

'wellllll,' he says slowly
'you know the stuff on my list?
the stuff that you need?

the time really flew
i thought i could get stuff done
sadly, i did not

i will do it ALL!
i will start in the morning
the list will be done!

the molding downstairs
even your messy closet
and the garage door

paint will really fly
the cleaner will be busy
with all of my piles

i will clean the rugs
straighten up the kitchen shelves
even wash the dogs!

kelly is coming
i have yet to make her bed
she will need clean sheets!

that needs to be done
i know how to make a bed
at least, i think so

so-go to vermont
i'm not ready for you here
i got a late start'

so i say to him
'i know you forgot the list
it's ok with me

i'll do the guest room
the rest of the stuff can wait
plus, i miss the dogs'

i can hear him smile
'so what are you waiting for?
get your tan ass home!'

:: the sound of one hand clapping ::

The spell has been broken, for the moment. Rio retired at 11pm after her exhausting day of sleeping only one hour at a time and feeding every two. Whew. Bear hit the door and I only let him get changed before handing the wee one off and crashing like a drunken Kennedy. I slept from 6pm until 11pm and feel much better for it. The big news is Rio slept from 11 until 3:30am. Yippee! And right now she's considering her mobile and laying quietly in,what I hope, is nearing sleep.

Bear got a little taste of what our days can be like. He said he was only able to set her down long enough to whip together a sandwich and she screamed all the while. I remain so thankful she's not a fussy baby in that this behaviour is quite out of the ordinary. If he should encounter this sort of 'don't put me down or I'll reallllly start to fuss' behaviour, here are a couple of tips on how to do things one-handed...

eating
Forget about it. Settle for a glass of water because you can balance the glass on the shelf under the spigot. Use plastic in case the dogs knock it off. That way you can just leave the whole mess on the floor until she DOES nap and then you'll just have to mop and not clean up glass.

You could have crackers, but without cheese cuz it's impossible to spread with one hand. The container scoots all around and you end up dropping it on the floor. See 1st note.

bottle prep
Difficult, at best, with one hand. That is why I was so frigging aggravated with you when I discovered that you had used the last bottle this morning and left me with none prepared. I guess that was my price to pay for the 1.5 hours of sleep I grabbed before you headed to work?!

To check the level of what she's had, place the bottle firmly between your legs and screw the top off, releasing the suction in the liner. This is where you'll be glad that I don't use superhuman force to put the tops on....

bodily functions
I recommend sliding the pants down on the far side of the arm you have free. Some clothes cannot be wrenched down in this fashion and it's best to know that before you get the one easy side down and under one buttcheek.

Wipe however you can. Try not to get anything on the baby.

doorbell
Another thing in the growing list of 'fuck it's. You can't hold the baby, the door and the dogs back all at the same time. So what if the UPS guy hears you talking to Rio and not answering the door? If you do decided to try to answer the door, make certain you've pulled the one easy side of your pants back up after discovering the other side won't budge.


Now, before you all start to think Bear is falling apart under the pressure, well, consider this: he is incredibly resourceful and brilliant. Just last night he got Rio to sleep after a mere 5 hours. Here is the proof:



She fell asleep on a pillow from the couch so he put her in her portable bassinet on the main floor and then when it was time for bed, he simply put the whole shooting match into the crib in our room. Brilliant or what?!

tick tock, around the clock

Rio graced us with smiles, coos and burps every 2 hours since 7 o'clock last night! That means: 9pm, 11pm, 1am, 3am, 5am, 7am, 9am, 11am and most recently- 1pm. She is looking at her mobile while her mom prays she takes a nap. She has been nursing all day in bouts and fits. We're having a lazy-who-cares-what-time-it-is kind of day. Nice.

so sad I don't even know how to say it

My friend MAC called today to find out what happened with a mutual friend. She was due in 3 weeks and lost her baby . The child had been moving around inside her like crazy and then just stopped so she went to the hospital for an ultra-sound on Saturday. The cord had knotted and the baby had died. I don't know why they say 'lost'. The baby was right there, inside her. She delivered a still born because common wisdom says it helps with closure. I say 'horseshit'. Words are not coming because I am so not in the place to even consider something like that. I just held Rio in my lap and didn't mind for a minute that she could be considered 'fussy' today. So we cuddled, I cried, she cooed and we sent the girl and her baby white light for healing and the transition. I'm absolutely sick to my stomach.

If you lose your parents, you're an orphan. If you lose your spouse, you're a widow. If you lose your child it is so awful, there isn't even a word for it. Pray, or do whatever you do, okay?

:: carjackings and other irrational fears ::

Rio and I had our first big adventure. We packed up and headed to Vermont for a midweek break. The intention was tri-fold, as my intentions usually are. First, Bear needed some sleep and he would be able to snooze away with us gone. Secondly, my pals needed someone to house-sit and keep an eye on their 16 year old son. Thirdly, there are dozens of people who hadn't even laid eyes on Rio yet, including my cherished god-daughter.

So, we went on late Sunday afternoon. I won't bore you with the amazing amount of gear that I felt compelled to pack, but let it suffice to say that the back of my new station wagon was jam packed. I fed Rio and then jumped in the car so we could make it to Vermont during her nap.

She didn't wake up until Barre which is 30 minutes from Stowe. I pulled off and parked in a commuter lot, across from a fire department. I have been in the backseat of a car in the dark before, but never has that experience included abject terror. I was breastfeeding her and looking all around and thinking the most awful thoughts about what might happen in the dark in the middle of nowhere at 10 o'clock at night. I had a complete plan for tucking Rio into the footwell, springing out of the car and murdering the unseen boogieman with my keys. Not so relaxing but we made it through our pitstop without incident and I didn't have to murder a single person.

Stowe wasn't bad. I visited with my dear friend Penny and her lovies; daughter Lindsay and grandson Carson. I saw Bobby for a New York second. I went to a pond and watched Carson catch frogs. It was all okay except that my skin was crawling off my body and all I wanted to do was get home. That second. Immediately.

I called the homeowners and explained I had lost my mind and was pretty sure it was at my house in Connecticut. I started to bawl uncontrollably and they were lovely about understanding and making other arrangements. I packed all the stuff back up, and headed home at 8 pm.

I was exhausted on the trip home. I was rubbing Purell on my face to stay alert. I burst into tears about 15 times. I realized I couldn't stop for coffee or go to the bathroom without bringing Rio inside and thus, waking her up. Then I would have to try to find another safe spot for changing and feeding. I had imbibed a couple of Red Bulls so my guts were roiling and I really had to go.

I pulled waaaay over on a shoulder. I got out and walked around to the passenger side, without getting struck by a passing vehicle and thus leaving my baby stranded and alone on the side of the road. Obviously I couldn't go into the woods and leave Rio to be carjacked in my highly desirable Subaru. So I peed next to the car. I had to go so badly that the splash was intense, soaking my sheepskin flipflops and my velour track pants up to the knees. Of course, my feet were drenched in my own urine, as well. I burst into tears for the 16th time, took off my pants and shoes and got back in the car.

I arrived home at 12:30, sobbing with no pants on. Bear seemed happy to see us.

***

So I know I'm not depressed. If one more person says, "Post partum depression" to me, I'll scream. I love my baby and my husband and my dogs and even my messy house. I think I would be able to tell if it were depression although I am sure as shit I'm having some sort of hormonal issue.

I always go a million miles an hour. Multi-task? I invented it when I used to read the New York Times while training myself on the potty. I can take an insane list of 'to do's' and turn it into 'just another busy day'. To be overwhelmed by a little travel and some visiting? Unheard of. But it happened. And I learned my lesson. I don't have post-partum as much as I have 'exhausted post-partum agoraphobia'. I just want to be home where I know where the extra diapers are, I have 3 chairs for breastfeeding with comfy pillows for Rio, I know Bear will be home soon to lend a hand.

I realized I can't do it all and shouldn't try. I am not well-versed enough with the care and feeding of Rio to take the show on the road. Anyone who needs to see her, can visit. And they can put their drink glass in the dishwasher. Yes, this child is changing my life in ways I couldn't have imagined. I'm becoming sensible.