I'm thinking of starting another blog filled to the brim with my mother's parenting gems.

"You'll never be able to raise children. You can't keep a fish alive!"
In my defense I got it at the fair. Everyone knows the fish from the fair die right away. I thought I was doing a good thing, rescuing that fish and trying to give it a better life.

"Go tell your brother he can come in from laps now."
Ok, the kid was hyper. But, forced laps? At age 4? In his pajamas? I don't wonder for a minute why he doesn't speak to her.

"I can't believe you're married. Who cooks in that joint because God knows it isn't you."
I have tried to tell her I'm a fucking fabulous cook. AND I manage to get a meal to the table without 2 sticks of butter-her forte. My mother has no clear memory of how horrible a cook she really is. Her delusion is enviable. If trauma victims could learn to mentally mask the stuff she is able to, well, they would sure sleep well at night!

One quick cooking story....my brother, the marathon man, was born premature. He was realllly sick and didn't come home for a quite a while. He was/is ADD, ADHD and a true blue hypoglycemic. Very rare. You know your whiny coworker who complains of hypoglycemia because she missed lunch? Yeah, well, my bro would go into coma and nearly die about once a week all through childhood. More on that later. Bottom line-he couldn't tolerate artificial flavor or food coloring of any sort so we were the original organic kids. Of a mother who hates to cook. Of a mother who hates people who eat organic things. Anyway, we were at Friendly's Restaurant about 33 years ago for a special treat-grilled cheese (I think this was before they made American cheese on Venus). Well, the waitress brings them out, I look at our sandwiches and back at her.

waitress: Something wrong, sweetheart?

me: Uh, are these ok? They aren't black.

mom (with gritted teeth): It's okay, you can still eat them.

She waved the waitress away with her cigarette and we were in wonder of how a grilled cheese sandwich tasted without one side completely still smoking black. She took a lot of tranquilizers to 'deal' with having us. Nice, huh? This is the same woman who was astonished when I made Thanksgiving dinner. She told all who would listen about the holiday miracle.

NEWS FLASH: I'm a fucking fabulous cook!

Albeit one with obvious issues....