I need to brush my teeth but I need to vaccuum them first.

I haven't pooped in so many days that frankly, the prospect frightens me.

Last night I was reading Brave New World while Bear was falling off to sleep. We had an interesting conversation that I will relate later...

Oh.My.Heavenstobetsy! How on earth did I miss the 'Dawson's Creek' movement?? I am cynical about network programming but there has been a mini-marathon on this week. I'm completely hooked. What a great show! Those kids are super actors! Wowza.

Go ahead, berate away.

As I mentioned earlier my brother gave me a bad tip about a show to help deal with dogs and newborns. My little men are a bit....ah.....close to me. They follow my every move. The treat me like I have alzheimers and might wonder off too far from the fridge. Weird but spectacular doggers.

A point? Who, me? Well, my pal came over the other day with her newborn in a carseat, carry bucket type deal and set her down so I could do her hair for her wedding. (Yes, smarty pants, first the baby then the wedding..) Anyway, Jack had that funky 'look' he gets like when there is a fat, slow squirrel in the back yard. Very 'attentive'. I'm afraid he's looking for an opportunity to drag the baby out of the carrier and see if it has a squeaker. I just don't care for the look on his face. Hard to explain and I sound pretty insane but you've never seen him try to get the noisemaker out of a toy or a tail off a squirrel. Ugh.

Hobbes, on the other hand, is just thrilled that all kids seem to be covered with a variety of foods. He'll lick a kid down to the dermis. Bad dogs.

Hey now. Thanks to this kind soul I can now add some pictures. If you're wondering if I might be a good mother or not, consider my actions when Jack was asked to be in the 'Mutt Strutt' to benefit the local shelter.

We put our heads together and came up with this gem....



He ended up eating the hat but he loved his little over the shoulder number. He also chewed on the bones in my hair whenever I had to pick him up because he was snarly with a cocker spaniel....

My in-law remembers fondly my husband crying through an entire Halloween outing because his sister was a waiter and he was a table. He looked great and agreed beforehand to wear the thing, but tried to get out of it last minute. I'll try to find those pictures!!

No nap. Mom called. Again. After being asked not to call until I get up there. After being told repeatedly that I was sick and would see her sometime next week.

They sold the house and they have another divorce hearing on January 15th. I got to hear some trash-talk about my stepdad and grandmother, hear about how great her evil little dog is, and generally bite my tongue re:half-truths and lies. Always so relaxing.

My mother-in-law gave me tickets to rent on January 15th so I'll be completely unavailable for venomous recountings of court. Shucks.

Bear took me out for ice cream so I did see the outdoors today. Over-rated. But the ice cream was the BEST! When I got home Hobbes went for the glory and jumped up and ran that giant tongue over my cone. Rat bastard. So cute though.

After 10pm? It must be time for me to go to bed! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

It is alarming the amount of time I'm spending on my back. Enough said.

Bear has been my handmaiden and frankly, I could get used to this treatment. Today all I wanted was a meatball sub from our favorite Italian deli. He went right out and got it for me. I shared.

It is 5:30 here and I am barely up. I'm going to press a few of the man's shirts because he likes the way I do it better than the cleaners. A burden, to be sure, but I really feel like I owe him.

I haven't told the rest of the family about the expectancy. How long is appropriate after a branch of your family has lost a baby to share news of yours? I feel so sad about all that. My aunt called today and we talked for 2 hours. The whole time I wanted to tell her because we are close but it didn't feel right. Oh well, at some point after testing I guess it would be okay.....

I read The Autobiography of Santa Claus and I can recommend it heartily. It was a gift from a smart cookie and I really enjoyed it. Try it!

Well, I've pretty much shot my energy for a while with all this sitting upright. I have watched so many Law&Order episodes I'm pretty sure I could represent in the criminal justice system. I'm tempted, anyway...oh well, back to bed for a *little nap*.

Really starting to get excited thinking about having a child. My first ultra-sound is on the 2nd of January and I can hardly wait. All I want to know is that everything is alright. Although I feel simply wretched, I'm not vomiting so I am concerned that maybe it's not 'taking' or something like that. Bear wants me to be positive but I have far to much contrary programming for that right now. I just will have to wait a few more days....

We had dinner at my in-laws. Stupendous. Sometimes I think that I got such a great husband and such great in-laws because I hit some kind of cosmic lottery. In any event-I win!

My thoughtful husband gave me books I really wanted and books I didn't know about but really wanted when I opened them. Sometimes my eyes just sting with tears knowing how thoughtful and wonderful a man he is. The dogs got me an awesome sheepskin jacket, too. They rock!

We didn't put up a tree or anything because we figure this will be the last low-key Christmas. I was saying that we don't really need a tree or anything for a couple of years because the child will hardly be aware of all that until 3 or so, right? Everyone said that was mean. What would happen when he/she asks for pictures of the first Christmas? I was thinking I could just tell the kid that Santa can't be photographed and he shows up in person for the first few Christmases. Then I'll say that I did take pictures but his nasty elf assistant took my camera...two years in a row!! Hey-as long as we're lying to the kid, why not make it interesting?

So, we are getting ready for our usual Christmas tradition of calling everyone tonight (the 24th) and then no phones tomorrow. We usually just have a fire, read, watch any new DVDs (Bear got the Beavis and Butthead Greatest Hits...) and have a quiet day being thankful for each other. Nice.

Hmmmm, if someone can offer advice on how to post a picture to my blog, it would be appreciated. Evidently all these 'Dummie' books are for naught.

So I now have motherknowsbest.blogspot because I can't do therapy while pregnant since I read Dune. Long story-Benegesserit witches and pre-birth knowledge...know what I mean?! Anyway....

I have starting looking at my previously perfect husband with a more critical eye now that we may well be responsible for raising a child. For example.. today we had to take Hobbes, the pumpkin bunny of a pit/mix mutt, to the vet to have his anal glands expressed. We had to be there at 11 and I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy hate to be late. Late doesn't bother Bear for a New York second! We live just about 10 minutes from the vet. He tears himself away from his computer at 10:45 and says he thinks he'll take a shower first. I only don't kill him because I have just used every drop of hot water in the house :)

I'll skip the whole vet thing. Well, maybe not. Some lady dragged her genetically challenged bulldog practically under a bench to get away from our muffin, who really does look like a pitbull. I just hate the prejudice he endures. He is the sweetest of the sweet and really only wants to sit in my lap and have his face kissed---but she yanks her dog out of the way so it doesn't get eaten. Ugh! So, Hobbes had his butt check and we did some errands and came home.

Here is a picture of my terrifying pitbull mix, taking a nap on his favorite binkie...


The relevance, you ask? Bear is in the other room singing a song to the tune of 'If You're Happy And You Know It, Clap Your Hands.' He has changed the words a bit and it sounds like this--

If you had a finger in your butt, bark out loud!
If you had a finger in your butt, bark out loud!
If you had a finger in your butt and you really didn't mind
If you had a finger in your butt, bark out loud!
( he gives Hobbes the bark hand signal so he barks at the end of every line....)

Then he turned to Jack, the Patterdale terrier maniac:

If you want a finger in your butt, bark out loud!....

So both the dogs are barking and singing and Bear is giggling like a madman and I'm nervous about the kind of songs he will sing to the child......wait, I'm having a childhood flashback....my brother was the first one to get in trouble at school.....kindergarten...the children were asked what nursery rhymes they knew.....

MC: Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jump over the candle stick and burn his little ballsies.

Thanks to my parents' stilted humor, my brother is the master of free-form poetry.

*sigh* I'm a sarcastic mofo. My husband is, well, special and different. Our child is doomed to detention.

I'm thinking of starting another blog filled to the brim with my mother's parenting gems.

"You'll never be able to raise children. You can't keep a fish alive!"
In my defense I got it at the fair. Everyone knows the fish from the fair die right away. I thought I was doing a good thing, rescuing that fish and trying to give it a better life.

"Go tell your brother he can come in from laps now."
Ok, the kid was hyper. But, forced laps? At age 4? In his pajamas? I don't wonder for a minute why he doesn't speak to her.

"I can't believe you're married. Who cooks in that joint because God knows it isn't you."
I have tried to tell her I'm a fucking fabulous cook. AND I manage to get a meal to the table without 2 sticks of butter-her forte. My mother has no clear memory of how horrible a cook she really is. Her delusion is enviable. If trauma victims could learn to mentally mask the stuff she is able to, well, they would sure sleep well at night!

One quick cooking story....my brother, the marathon man, was born premature. He was realllly sick and didn't come home for a quite a while. He was/is ADD, ADHD and a true blue hypoglycemic. Very rare. You know your whiny coworker who complains of hypoglycemia because she missed lunch? Yeah, well, my bro would go into coma and nearly die about once a week all through childhood. More on that later. Bottom line-he couldn't tolerate artificial flavor or food coloring of any sort so we were the original organic kids. Of a mother who hates to cook. Of a mother who hates people who eat organic things. Anyway, we were at Friendly's Restaurant about 33 years ago for a special treat-grilled cheese (I think this was before they made American cheese on Venus). Well, the waitress brings them out, I look at our sandwiches and back at her.

waitress: Something wrong, sweetheart?

me: Uh, are these ok? They aren't black.

mom (with gritted teeth): It's okay, you can still eat them.

She waved the waitress away with her cigarette and we were in wonder of how a grilled cheese sandwich tasted without one side completely still smoking black. She took a lot of tranquilizers to 'deal' with having us. Nice, huh? This is the same woman who was astonished when I made Thanksgiving dinner. She told all who would listen about the holiday miracle.

NEWS FLASH: I'm a fucking fabulous cook!

Albeit one with obvious issues....

What can I say? Since my last post, well, things have been a little tough for me. Every day when I wake up I feel like I drank:
one bottle of expensive red wine follow by a bottle of ripple
a fifth of jack daniels
12 slippery nipples (the super sugary Sambuca topped with a Bailey's float)
and then had 2 deluxe cheeseburgers at the diner at 3 am.

I feel really bad. My skin is starting to threaten piiiimplllles and I can't seem to get my hair all the way clean. In truth I can muster the stamina for a shower only about twice a week. I can't smell regular smells but bad smells are INCREDIBLY apparent. On a recent shopping trip I felt like an alien. I could 'see' body odor coming at me. It was horrible. And then some chippie had on enough perfume to gag a horse. My poor husband. I smell like the homeless and if he has the tiniest hint of sweat-BAM-he's sent to the showers. I feel pretty.

On an interesting note, I've lost 7 pounds. I haven't exercised once in the past month but the fact that all food is pretty much unappealing is zipping off the pounds. I'm too weak to be excited.

The dogs... well, shocker but my rather-lax-attention-to-details brother wasn't right in his tip on the show about how to handle your dogs with an imminent arrival. I taped the show and watched most of it. How do those morning shows make any money?! It was stupid, insipid, the host sounds like a donkey, bad hair was everywhere and who the hell still makes those saucer sized cast earrings? Ugh. Wretched. And loads of cooking which was a lot of fun for me. So-the dogs....due to the fact that I'm spending an inordinate amount of time lying around doing nothing but spilling Saltine crumbs and slowly stroking Jack and Hobbes, well, they're into it.

We get up in the morning and move to the guest room which has a TV. The TV in the den is 4 times the size, but there is no bed in the den. I get a sleeve of Saltines, a big glass of gingerale, the phone and get into bed. The dogs drape themselves around me and we spend the day clicking between the Animal Channel and TBS. The TV in the den has satellite but, again, no bed so we suffer. It has gotten bad. The dogs now come out from under the covers when they hear the music for "K-9 To Five", a show about dogs that work. We are all embracing our laziness.

BUT... the dogs are really overly attached. They were 'all about mom' to begin with, but it is a little crazy now. They follow me to the bathroom and wait outside while I tinkle, then back into the bed we go. I am waiting for sores to appear on my side. Lovely, huh?

So, the test is right around the corner. We'll find out if there is a heartbeat... I guess I should say 'we'll hear the heartbeat' but I am still nervous. It must live, it is sucking me dry! We'll also find out how far off we are in calculating.. all the good stuff. If I can figure it out, I'll post the sonogram. The more I read of the upcoming indignities, the more I think it's a better idea to be surprised when it's too late to turn back. Hahaha.

Ok,well, this effort has really been a lot. I have to muster my strength for a trip to Barnes and Noble this afternoon and BabyGap for my friend Clare's twins Christening, which I slept though yesterday.....

My sleeping is really out of whack. I am sleepy all the time but not often able to GET to sleep. I'll feel a lot better once I've had the initial ultra-sound. The more I read in 'What To Expect...', the more frightened I become.

My brother called from some bar where he was having lunch and left a message that we MUST watch CBS Morning show. Evidently there is a bit on what to do when your dogs have been number one and now you're expecting a child. This should be interesting.

My dogs are totally, and I do mean totally, spoiled. By me. I love their heads off! I talk to them all the time, they follow me around the house. They're rather rude to Bear, transparent little fellows all around. We'll see how this goes.

Probably did ok on my exam. Winged a bunch of it. My prof is lovely but pretty much unintelligible. Thick accent. Makes PoliSci fuuuuun.

Boring to say but I'm so tired. I'm thinking of making a bunch of t-shirts that say just that, but I'm also hopeful this will pass.

My cousin had a baby 7 months ago with his girlfriend. She is 28, 2 kids already. They did no testing. Mia was born with trisomy 18. Fatal. Usually right away. She died Friday night. My cousin wouldn't let go of her for 6 hours. Not good. My aunt said she could hear him sobbing from outside the house. Again-not good. He was a Latin King. Got out-successful now. Great guy. Sobbing that hard. I hope he'll be okay.

I know I'm slacking but I'm up to my eyeballs in Comparative Political Systems.

Still tired but getting excited. My 'cycle' is officially laaaattttteeeeee.

I have to say that my husband is pretttty excited at the prospect of all of this. Maybe-a little too excited. Last night he got home LATE from ferrying top secret *stuff* all over the east coast yesterday. I was watching tv and doing laundry completely half-heartedly. He had a snack with me (I'm really only comfortable eating at night) and we went upstairs to bed. Then it gets interesting...

me: God! My boobs are HUGE! Can you see the difference? (I was talking to him as he was walking into the bathroom. For some reason I've developed the bad habit of only speaking to him when there is only a small possibility that he can actually hear me.)

him: (backing out of the bathroom, toothpaste foaming..) Did you say something about someone's boobs?

me: Yessss. Mine! Don't they look bigger?

him: Uh, I can't really tell. Push them up. (I foolishly do.) Now, lick your lips.


Great. A pervert is born. We are both kinda freaked about how to 'proceed maritally' in the next little while. I will just be happy when the nausea and boob expanding stops. The rest we can take care of with the lights off....

The good news is--having my breasts a full size bigger already and having screaming hormone headaches in the morning is normal.

The bad new is--I already had huge tits once and didn't so much care for it and I STILL HAVE A FUCKING HEADACHE. And I'm tired.

I yawned about 412 times during class tonight BUT-I still got it :) Good grade on my test. I like my comedy class. And not just because I got a good grade. We are studying Pinter-what a trip. Finally a playwright that gives my family a place to exist.

I'm tired. What else is new lately?! Bear just got a package for Hobbes, the scaredy-cat pitbull. Shoes so he won't be cold this winter. Last year he got cold fast so Bear found these great neoprene dog shoes. One problem is they have velcro. Hobbes is a little scared of the noise that velcro makes. This oughta be great! I'll have to video Bear trying to get Hobbes into his shoes. I'll probably win an award somewhere! Hahahahaha. Oy, that's rich.

Off to bed. First thing tomorrow I'm shipping out pink Ugg boots to a woman who's having a baby on Saturday. I love Ebay :)

WELL... I've been gone for a while but the good news is-I can now be topical. As in, on topic. One quick thing first... I'm reminded because the mailman is delivering mail now, at 1:06pm, and yesterday he was here at 4:45pm. He used to come right on the dot of 12:30, but now it's a crapshoot. I think he's having an affair. Or he's drinking a lot. Something's up.

Where was I? Oh-PREGNANT. I was feeling funky on the Friday after Thanksgiving and decided to run a pee test that my docs office gave me. O-fish-ol. Well, two lines and I have no idea where the directions are. In my feng-shui frenzy, I separated the test and the pamphlet. Brilliant, huh? So, I'm on the internet looking up the FAQs on the test (what did we do before the net???) and I found it. It was so technojargony that it I actually had to READ it, and found out I am high in the old hCG. Wowza.

So it begins. I called the doc's office and I have an appointment for my first ultrasound on January 2nd. I'll start telling people around the third month because so much can happen. Telling people that aren't strangers, that is ;) I told my PoliSci class last night. One girl said, "You really look like hell. Are you ok?" I told her the dark circles are a mystery cuz I'm sleeping 10-12 HOURS A DAY!!! because I'm pregnant. Everyone's eyes shot to my ring finger. High comedy. My prof did let me go early when I turned green. Bonus treatment already and I'm not even showing!

I had my list of questions for the doctor all ready and organized to assail him when he called.

CAN I STILL FEED THE DOGS RAW CHICKEN NECKS ON THEIR SPECIAL BARF DIET?
yes, with lots of handwashing. Bear has taken this duty, bless his soul.

I HAVE A TILTED UTERUS (he knows this, I was just reminding him)
no problem. evidently it becomes untilted as it reaches impossible limits of expansion.

WHERE SHOULD MY HEARTRATE BE DURING EXERCISE?
no real answer. i can continue to exercise, don't do it til I feel like fainting. I love this guy!

CAN I BE AROUND CATS?
again, wash hands a lot and don't eat any cat shit.

WHAT CAN I TAKE FOR THE POUNDING AND INCESSANT HEADACHE I HAVE?
Tylenol and only Tylenol. It will be the first time in my life I buy NON generic painrelievers...

CAN WE BURN ESSENTIAL OILS IN THE HOUSE?
this gave him pause for some reason. then he said, sure.

SHOULD I GET A FLU SHOT?
I should but in the 2nd trimester which will be a useless time. so-no. yippee. I hate having something dead and bad shot into my body anyway. I've only had the flu once or twice. It wasn't so bad. You feel thin after all that vomiting.

Yup, I'm quite possibly going to be a MOM.

Wow.