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I'm in a writer's group right now. I never edit. I barely spell-check. I'm a super lazy virtual vomiter of words. Some I like. Some I don't. But I'm way too ambivalent about the whole process.
There is a writer inside of me. I slide by here, with the handful of you, by wrapping things up as they pop into my head.
Well....I wrote a piece for the class/group. And I'm going to rewrite it. Maybe a few times. When it's complete, I'm going to post it here.
No giant proclamation, just letting you know. That I plan to polish up that raw writing and take a stab at an actual 'piece.'
Yeah.
Bear and Rio had a great day yesterday. He came home from work absolutely exhausted - to a wife ready to enroll her child in an English boarding school. Instead of his planned catnap, he took the Monkey Princess on an adventure.
They dug some holes in the yard. No reason, the both just like to dig. And they scouted the perfect location for a pine cone sanctuary. The pine cone sanctuary does explain why I had to practically use a vegetable brush to get her clean .... but I digress. Pictures!
So we got up early and had a nice breakfast. She asked for cheese and cookies and instead she had a breakfast bar and fruit. Then Bear met us at the school so we could all walk in together.
Mere and I held each other walking out. And cried. But I don't think anyone knew. Haha.
Really, though, I think this is coming about at just the right time. In playgroups and at dance class she looks at other kids like they're covered with battery acid and poop. I know that this is the very best thing for her. She's picking up my snarky verbal patterns, she likes to label everyone as having a penis or a 'safana', and she's imminently more comfortable with adults than children. So, yeah, it was time. No matter my level of readiness.
Plus, it's not like she couldn't use some, uh, professionals around. :)
Things that fell out of Bear's head this weekend:
"Listen, you signed up for forever so quit being such a fucking bitch."
-used to end an argument
"I can see it in your face, but nowhere else. Honestly though, I mostly only look at your face and tits."
-when asked if he noticed my weight loss
There were a few more doozers, but I didn't write them down and now they're lost in the cloud of advanced maternal age sans sleep.
Rio starts school tomorrow. I'm mostly okay, but pretty frantic. I am bringing a book, some cucumber slices and Jack. School is from 9:15 - 11:45 and I have it all planned out:
*9:10: drop-off. beat it out to the parking lot quickly. don't let her see me cry.
*9:15 - 11:00: sit in car in parking lot. cry. hard. stroke Jack while crying.
*11:00 - 11:30: try really hard to stop crying. place cucumber slices on my eyes so I don't look like I've been boxing while she's been playing and singing.
11:30 - 11:47: lose myself in my new book. look at clock and have panic attack at being 2 minutes late. jump out of the car, scramble into the school, and look like I've been boxing ...
No worries, then. I have it all under control! Wish me, and the local police, lots of luck.
Last week I mapped out a walking route where I was not so likely to be killed by a car. Our road *looks* like a meandering path through the woods, but it is ridiculously heavily traveled. And has no sidewalk. And I can't see too great pulling out. Ugh.
So, I found a new place to go. The best thing about this McMansion neighborhood is that the sidewalks are empty. No one around. I saw a couple of people doing yardwork; most of them had a company truck parked nearby. Everyone who lives in this neighborhood must be running in my neighborhood because of the excellent route visibility.... whatever. I had a great 4 mile jaunt. Some running, some walking, lots of loud singing.
And a bit of grinning. I grabbed the iPod from where it's been gathering dust. In a burst, maybe last year, I put a bunch of stuff on it (mistakenly erasing everything Bear had on it because I tend to be very acquiescent to pop-ups) and haven't listened, or worked out, much since.
But today. Ah, today I was reminded of my ridiculous taste in music. Do you think any of the people in the big houses ever heard Eminem? Shorty the Pimp? Or the brilliance that is Buck Cherry's 'Crazy Bitch'??!! I made excellent time and sang and danced. Yay me!
We went to preschool orientation today. All 3 of us. I woke up late to Bear snugging me and telling me he had re-set the alarm for even later. I love waking in a panic.
*
We were late. I argued with Bear because nothing spells relief like spreading your irrational fears to those you love best.
*
It was really fine. Well, aside from the fact that I've slid into a bizarre alternative reality with the program director. My Mere scoped the joint last year, did the interviews, vetted the teachers, checked the bathrooms, and I followed blindly. Mostly because I hate crowds of little people, but I digress. Getting into the preschool program has been a comedy of errors. I have had 3 missed appointments with the director; she didn't mail me my packette for months; I sent my check a month ago and still the balance in my account taunts me and begs me to buy new boots, cuz, you know, the money's still in there and what are they going to do - make my kid wait outside if the check bounces?!; and last but not least ... thankfully Mere informed me that orientation time has moved to 9am from 9:45. The director helpfully called our house at 8:35 this morning, 20 minutes from school, to see if I knew of the change. And to accuse me of not filling out the paperwork she never sent. Breeeeeathe.
*
I told Bear, after fighting with him all the way in and refusing to let him stop for coffee which just punishes both of us, "You do realize if this woman gives me one ounce of lip I'm going to tell her to fuck herself and then I'm going to cancel that check and put Rio in clown school, dontcha?" to which he replied, "Duh."
*
One kid snatched a hammer out of Rio's hand. I did not snatch said child bald-headed but I did intervene with 'She was playing with that. Would you like this one?" and as the kid walked off I did not chuck anything at the back of her head. Too many parents around....
*
Met one mom of a cute 'quiet boy.' He and Rio ended up at the playdough table together. Playing quietly. When Rio wandered off to the castle, cute quiet boy followed her with a handful of playdough. I love quiet boy.
*
Miss Teach is lovely. Came over to talk about concerns. Noticed Rio's snack bag of green beans - which she loves and asks for.... We eat very well here. That said, when we're out and about, just about anything goes. Apparently Rio's going to be pretty tall and super smart and snarky as fuck so I don't want her to also be the kid who only eats weird stuff. I told Miss Teach, "I'm not concerned. Unless you're planning on serving deep fried twinkies with a vodka back, I'm sure the snack will be fine."
She just gave me a funny look.
*
Rio didn't want to leave. She sang songs in the car - rapping mad freestyle. She was in a super mood. She asked to go back to school ... I'm sure she's going to be fine. Me? I'll be that mom that Security escorts to the edge of the property, and then has to pepper spray and then stun gun.
*
Come Tuesday I'll be in a pool of my tears and guilt and angst and uncertainty, with cheap parking lot concrete pebbles stuck to my face, trying to hold my breath for all 150 minutes of pre-school. Looking forward to it.
There are days when it's all so simple. The ebb and flow feels just right. The tide washes gently over our lives and I'm in sync with all things. Granted, those days are usually accompanied by my having eaten something off the floor of a public restroom while I'm scrubbing away, but I digress...
Today I had a real crisis of confidence. It happened at the Little Gym. Well, before actually. I went to Bootcamp and had another great workout. I'm steadily losing weight and inches and feeling good about my discipline. I got home, did some laundry, cleaned up the kitchen and figured out that bad smelling thing was me! I popped in the shower at 9:22 and just as I soaped my hair I thought, "Fuck! Rio's dance class!", which is at 9:30 and it's about 15 minutes away.
I jumped out, toweled off, dressed her in record time and zoomed to class. We were late, needless to say. I like to be early as a rule, and with a [still struggling for the right word. a label. an easy thing to say that tells the world she's not one to jump in. she takes her time. she can't/won't be rushed...] child it's crucial to give her time to adjust to feel comfortable. I, for one, do not understand this. I could be dropped in the middle of any social situation you can imagine and feel comfortable within seconds. My daughter, not so much.
We spent almost all of dance class sitting on the floor. She wouldn't leave my lap. Stood up a couple of times but quickly returned. The other mothers were talking and laughing and having some grown-up time and I was on the floor in the dance studio. I felt like we were both very conspicuous. I don't mind it at all for me; I mind it a lot for her.
The second half of class is in the gym. She knows I can't go in there with her. I let her take her lovey, Guy aka Thing 1 or 2, and she went in. And out. And in. And out. And in. It was while she was inside that I had that horrible moment. The other kids were all sitting on the giant mat and then jumping on it while it deflated. Rio was off to the side, watching but very separate, on a small stack of mats she sat alone.
It was then, looking at the side of her little face, the profile so perfect to me, that the arrow pierced me. I lay my hand on my chest for fear the mothers would hear my heart pounding; squeezing; screaming. I thought, 'Is this how it's going to be?' and instantly hated myself for thinking it.
I don't want a sheep. I want a strong child that grows into a strong woman. But I want her to be happy. Comfortable. Okay.
Arguably, she is just that. After class she told Mr. Nick, "I went in and out, but I didn't cry!", all proud of herself.
It's times like these when I feel alone on this journey. Everyone who knows and loves her and me will say she's great. She's fine. Bear is not social. He's not anti-social, he just doesn't care about many people. When I tell him she was separate he thinks it good. He says he understands that. I wish I did... So, I put it here - mostly just to put it down.
But it's things like this that make me seriously wonder if I'm cut out for this.
I always knew with certainty that I didn't want children. I was wrong. It's the most terrifying thing I've ever done and that, my friends, is a huge statement. But I love every day with her. I feel blessed for the first time ever. Blessed.
I always knew with certainty I'd be a horrible mother. My mother told me this would be true. She told me every chance she had. I heard thousands of times, "Don't have children. You can't keep a plant/fish/relationship alive!". She was wrong. It turns out I'm a great mom. I'm patient and I feed her. :)
Recently I've had a feeling that everything will be okay. She'll find her way. She'll be happy - no matter her social likes and dislikes. She'll be comfortable and things will come easily for her. She'll learn how to manage situations so she can enjoy them.
I hope I'm not wrong.
My optimism knows no bounds. Unfortunately, my ass does. Class kicked me over, then kicked me upright again. The instructor is cute, which is no help. I'd tell you all about it but my hands are numb....
One down, 17 to go. Hahahahahhahahaha!
I guess I'm serious about finally getting into really good shape. I'm one of those people who is always in mostly good shape ... look good for 40+ ... 'you weigh HOW much?!' ...
So I've been being really good. Loads and loads of veggies and fruit. Two salads every day. I made Bear go for a long walk on Saturday. To the park with Miss Rio and Jack. Jack's 22 pounds of dog aggression. Whenever we see another dog he starts throwing himself at the end of his leash and he makes all his hair stand up and fluff out and he makes the most insane dog sounds .... *So* fun! But we met a nice man with a bijon that Jack must have had a little doggy crush on because he was super sweet ...
Anyway. I signed up for something called 'Bootcamp.' Specifically, because it's literally half as expensive, I signed up for 18 classes. Monday and Wednesday mornings at 7 am. Until sometime in November. Or when I die. Whichever is first. I'm an idiot. Pray for me. Send me your left-over pain relievers or something. I'm so stupid. I hope I don't cry.
***
In other news, Rio and I have the same size feet. Different scales, but we're both 8.5. I guess it's only ridiculously cute to me, huh?
But here she is dressed for her first dance class. Fifteen minutes each of tap and ballet, then gym time. So far she sits while the class taps, and taps like a lunatic when everyone else is sitting, and doesn't seem to like ballet, and makes Mr. Nick come into the gym to play with just her. Fun. At some point I'm going to start taking the money we spend on classes and eating it. I could use the fiber.
***
I tried to make it work with Will from BeTheBoy and his beautiful bride, Nina from Slackmistress, but they are busy. And I have to work. And then I think they're heading back. It's fun to meet blog people. Honestly, I suck at keeping in touch with the people I've known forever but still, they/you know that, right?! If any of you knew how my brain worked, you would love that I think of you so often. No lie. My brain is a superhighway and it's f-ing buzzing all the time.
I think I need medication.
***
Off to bed soon. The insomnia usually starts revving up right about now, but I hope to beat it by sneaking off to bed before it starts looking for me :)
Where does the time go? I feel like an old woman when I say that, but wow. Where?
I've been working from home. I've had a sitter a couple times, left Rio with a friend once, and mostly slugged it out. It's great to feel like I'm having some sort of impact on the planet, even if it's simply pointing out that although marshmallow should be spelled marshmellow, it isn't.
***
I do still need to post the pictures, mail 2 packages*, wash and cut up veggies**, clean my house and walk my dog. I swear, he's a little fat human trapped in a dog body. Yesterday I told him I'd take him for a long walk. And then I got an invitation for brisket and nothing tempts a pseudo-Jew like brisket, and we jetted to Boston. Sans Jack the dog ... so sad.
So today he's all throwing attitude. And just now when Ari and Rio and I were having a talk in the playroom, Jack wandered over and put his head in Ari's lap. Fucker. So I'm approaching the list with Jack at the top. I'll try to post later....
*i'm waiting for one stupid thing to come in the mail and then a certain 20-something's care package is complete. It's not you, Pia :) AND! I'm hoping to meet these crazy kids Long Island on sunday but we all know I'm not getting to the PO before then, anyway...
**Bear said, and I quote, but you could tell from the quotation marks, yes? "I will do all the veggie prep for your Eat To Live tough love start." Lying sack of non-veggie chopping, bizarrely natural low body fat, thank the Universe you make a lot of money, it's your kid too, shit!
I just ever so quickly emptied my camera in preparation for what will, no doubt, be the brilliance of Rio's first dance class. I hope I don't wet my pants laughing! Anyway, the Monkey Princess aka Demandatron aka Bossy McBoss and I were in/on Long Beach Island this past weekend.
The pictures are certain to entertain you and horrify my family. I can't wait to post them! First, I have to wrestle a monkey into tights and tap shoes. Hahahaha!
For my little sister's last night in town, we headed to the ballpark. *The* ballpark. And we miraculously ended up with tickets for the wall. *The* wall. And we had a blast. The game was awesome and that particular section is all about true fans. I was ready for my Red Sox tattoo after a few hours of hearing their stories.
After the game we continued the fun with dancing and tequila. At the last minute we bolted from the dancefloor of this joint, hailed a cab to get to South Street Station in time for the last train and barely made it home. This morning I am sorely reminded of the 20 years I have over my darling sister :)
The day was so fun. We invited my best new friend's little brother and he is so fun he now has to come to every event with us. I'm sure there are lots of words that mean 'fun', and I have used none of them but 'fun', but sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words (all thousand being 'fun'!).
Have you got a fan story you'd like to share?
