Single White Female

Bond Girl has inspired me to post about something completely non pregnancy related. Evil Roommates.

I had to have had the WORST run of luck with roommates ever. Here are a few high/low lights....

Leslie
I was living in Providence and she and I worked in the same bar. She needed a place on the fly (duh! warning! warning! don't forget to ask why she's getting booted from her best friend's place!) so I let her move into my very cool 2 bedroom place. Right from the start I noticed she drank a LOT more than I realized and did a LOT more drugs that I knew the names of and had a LOT more legal problems than anyone else and slept with a LOT more strangers than seemed prudent....you get the picture. Well, the coup de grace came at about 3 am one night when I'm lying in bed with my giant (and chickenshit) body builder boyfriend and we hear Leslie coming up the stairs. Loud. Drunk. And with a man in tow. Clear as a bell I hear her say:

"I don't have any blow but my roomie usually has some laying around."

WHAT?

So I throw on a shirt, chickenshit boyfriend refusing to get up, and go out into the kitchen where Leslie is bent over in front of the refridgerator and a COP IN UNIFORM IS BENT OVER BEHIND HER. I am incredulous! So the conversation goes like this:

me: What the fuck is going on here?

(Leslie keeps her head in the fridge, all wrapped up in the task of trying to get a beer out of the six pack holder.)

cop: Uh, I was just making sure she got home alright.

me: Reaaaalllly Officer Friendly. Well, I can't help but notice that you have allowed my obviously drunken roommate here to pilot her unregistered car home, drunk, and I'm fairly certain her license is STILL suspended, yes? Where exactly did you two meet up, ( I peer at his badge number and name plate) Officer Dumbass?

cop: Yeah, I was just leaving.

me: That's what I thought, shithead.

That was the last straw. The next day when she went to work I had the locks changed and brought a bag of clothing and toiletries down to the club for her and booted her ass. Here's where it gets interesting....

Things I never wanted to know about Leslie that I learned whilst searching for her work clothes.

Her room was always pretty neat. I opened the walk-in closet and it was literally to the ceiling piled with clothes, porn and sex toys. Packed like a crazy person had packed it. THEN I found out where all the knives in the house had gone, they were in her drawers and under her bed. One of said drawers was chock full of men's underwear. All different sorts, apparently all worn. What a head case.

Years later I was in Palm Beach lunching with my grandparents and she was waitressing at the place.

She did a double take and headed for our table.

L: Hiiiiii!

me: I'll have a coke, thank you.

L: Don't you recognize me?

me: Who could forget? You're not our server, are you?

L: It's so great to see you! You look greaaaaaat! What are you up to?

me: Having lunch. Gram, would you like iced tea?

After she finally left the table I told my grandparents we were leaving after the drink. She's that fucking bananas.

Her replacement, Tricia.

I figured Tricia would be a safe bet seeing that she was dating the brother of my big dumb BF. Wrongo! She was a drunk slut as well. Yippee.

For some reason my friends all think I'm some sort of medical genius because I'm ever so slightly on THE SAFE SIDE... so she comes into my bedroom in the middle of the night. I'm up, by the way, because she is screaming at the top of her lungs. Really belting it out. Ridiculous, really. I'm no prude, but she sounded like she was being murdered. Anyway, she comes into my room:

T: Are you awake?

me: Are you fucking kidding me?!

T: Robert (who we work with!!!) just stuck it up my ass by mistake.

me: (after a long pause) And what, you want me to say something to him?!

T: No, but you could you just check it out to make sure I'm ok down there?

me: Ah, no.


Another of her habits was multiple partners that evidently had more appeal if they were complete strangers. So.....my mother is visiting. I am on the couch and mom is in my room. Tricia, who I begged for a 2 night reprieve, brings home 2 giant strangers, as unlikely as this may seem, one black and one red headed dude. Let the games begin. Three voices can be heard. Loudly.

I'm laying on the couch in those weird hysterical giggles waiting for my mother to be awakened. Sure enough, she comes out of my bedroom with her suitcase and informs me we're going to a hotel. Funny stuff.

Jamie

Name changed to protect those who can be googled.....

She was a well known ski racer. We were all at my place and she was crying about what an asshole her BF was and how she had to get out. All of the sudden everyone looks at me with the 'you've got a 2 bedroom place, how about here?' look and I know I'm sunk again. This time I am smart. This time I set boundaries. No rent and she had to be out in 6 weeks. Fair, right?

Ok, she wore my clothes. She never took a message, not once. She was a pig. She flooded the toilet by flushing fucking PADS. Who the hell is that stupid? She was a complete nightmare. Her coup de grace? I had to get out of town for a few days before I killed her. I got a phone call about the fabulous party she had the minute I left the house. When I got back 3 days later she was sitting at the kitchen table in what had previously been a gorgeous place to live. It was trashed like high-schoolers had been there. Turns out, they had. She was sitting there smoking a cigarette and flicking the ashes into my great-grandmother's mother fucking sugar bowl!!!! and she said:

J: Hey! How was your weekend?

me: J, if you don't get your ass and your shit out of here in 3 hours I will throw you out the window and burn your belongings.

J: Cool.

There are at least 10 other people this bad but I have to cook dinner for Bear. Chicken Parmigiana ;) I love my home.