...it's been one month since you looked at me...

and then they whipped you out of the room....

Today, the story of Rio and Nita's big day. It might be long, it might bore you, but there might be a boobie picture at the end.

I can't believe you just went straight to the end......


At 12:34 in the early morning of July 2nd I got up to go to the bathroom for the 47th time that day. Pregnancy doesn't leave much room for discussion or extra fluids. I smiled at the clock because I like 1234 o'clock. Not so much 2:34, or even 4:56, although 3:33 makes me smile, too. ???

I tinkled and at the end of that exercise - an extra 'whoosh' from not the peepee place. 'Uh oh' was my only thought.

I got back into bed having read that A. only 15% of women have their water break before pregnancy and B. if you're standing up when the unlikely event happens the head of the baby will stop the flow of liquid. Upon lying down, I realized this was true. Fluid started to pulse out of me at a disconcerting rate.

me: Motherfucker.
bear: Yes dear?

So I called the doc's office, as I'd been prepped. He called right back. Don't go to the hospital until your contractions are 5 minutes apart, he said. They won't feed you, you cannot drink and you become one of those women walking the halls.

bear: Oo, ask him something for me.
me: Ok, doc. Thanks. Hold on a second...
bear: Ask him if I should go back to sleep.
me: He says you're a fucking moron and sleep won't help that.

Pretty quickly they started being regular. There is a ton of silliness with Bear but I'll have to hit the high points.

me: Did you time that one?
bear: Time it? No! You really need to tell me when they start.
me: ??? Ok, dickhead, when I gasp and pant and look like someone has kicked me in the box - IT HAS STARTED.
bear: Ok, fiiiine.

I had to get up and pack my bag because I hadn't done so already. That kind of sucked because you have to know who is not a great big help when it comes to packing....

*hey, if he's going to take 47 stupid pictures of himself making idiotic faces, I feel compelled to publish at least one*

We headed for the hospital and already the contractions were coming harder and faster. Bear dropped me at the emergency door and the nice giant man took me right to the check in while Bear parked. I was pacing back and forth, giving information and having contractions now just shy of 4 minutes apart. Bear rushed in and collapsed in the wheelchair that had been provided for my comfort.

Upstairs. Contractions are getting pretty intense. Bear calls Mare. Mare is my best friend who was slated to be in the birthing room (?!) with us. Mostly in case Bear fainted. Also, if I needed anything and he was on one of his little mental vacations... So, Mare and Mighty live in Vermont but that night they happened to be in NYC, having dinner after Mighty had a gig. They headed right for the hospital. Of course, they had to bribe the garage guy to get their car out, but that's another story altogether...

A nice nurse tries 3 times to start an IV. She says she never ever doesn't get a vein after the 2nd try. After her unprecedented unsuccessful, yet painful, third try she went to get an old school nurse who had me all IV'ed up in 30 seconds AND gpt blood from the other arm. She rocked. And she was a little scary. We discussed pain options. I say I already had plenty. She silently recommended an epidural. It was 3am, contractions were 3 minutes apart and I was 6 centimeters dilated already.

Bring on the man with the needle, I scream.

He was tied up in surgery. When he got there my contractions were 2 minutes apart and I wondered how/why in the hell women do this with no meds. I'm relatively tough. I played field hockey and rugby. I have broken bones. I have been tough through pain. This sets a new record for 'holyfuckingshitthishurtslikehell'.

Dr Happygas arrives. He is hot. Really hot. Africa hot. He looked me in the eye and said:

This is going to hurt. Quite a lot. I will be inserting a needle into your spine. I can't do it between contractions so you're going to have to hold still through them. It is very important that you do.not.move.

Fabulous. So I'm draped over Nurse Cannotfindavein. I held absolutely still while he shoved a needle into my spinal cord while I had 2 contractions. Marion and Mighty had arrived from NYC. She is a DJ who is on after Howard Stern. She said I sounded like Taylor Rain, who is a loud porn star to whom Blogger won't let me post a link!! That is not why Rio's middle name is Taylor, although it's a little funny....So, Dr Happygas got the epidural in and tild me it wouldn't be long until I felt some relief. I am in ungodly agony so this is good news.

dh: How tall are you?
me: I'm lying down, right? I'm 5'9".
bear: Hon, he's trying to calculate your dosage. Quit lying.

The magic juice kicked in and I am happy once again. I offered to kiss DH for his obvious genius and the great need for him on the planet, but he politely tells me it was nothing. I laid around and waited to dilate.

At 11:30 my fabulous doctor came in to check on me. He's been in surgery and he seemed a little tense.

me: Hi doc. How are you? Well rested? You can lay down with me if you need a break before we get rolling here.
doc: No, I'm fine. Just got out of surgery.
me: How was it?
doc: Weird.
me: Weird? Weird? What's weird?
doc: Ovarian cyst but with hair and teeth. *shakes head* Weird.

Yeah, so....I'll skip a bunch of parts here in the interest of brevity....

Push, push, push. Three groups of 3. Rio's vitals were all over the place but that didn't seem to worry anyone. Yet. When her head started to appear he told me he's going to put a monitor on it. Fine with me, I gasp.

Here's where it gets all kinds of funky. The monitor goes on and the room just changes somehow. Another not so hot anesthesiologist comes and and starts asking me questions about smoking, drinking and false teeth. WTF? The nurses shoo him a bit and I ask them if he's got a friggin' quota or something. Then I look to the right and there are 2 nurses from NICU and the NICU doctor with a special table. I know something's up but no one is talking.

nurse on left leg: Push, you're doing great.
me: No I'm not. Something's wrong. I can't push.
nurse on right leg: You're doing great. One more big one
me: *crying now* You're lying. What's happening? I'm not pushiiiiinnnnngggggg......

Doc pops a vacuum on her head, orders me to push and on the 4th set of 3 pushes, she is out.

I wait to hear her cry. Nothing. I look at her little body. Blue and still. Then, the littlest peep from my nugget. They show her to me and whip the special table out of the room. I order Bear to stay with the baby. Certain things you don't want to lose.


Something was up. After the monitor was placed on her head it became apparent that she was in real distress. When I looked around at all the extra people and then looked back at my 'team', they had splash shields on and not so relaxed faces. They got her out quickly, and naturally. There was blood absolutely everywhere. All the machines were covered, as was the floor, my bed and the trail of the wheels from the cart that had just spirited my infant away from me.

I can't wait to get the whole story from my doctor.

Rio was whisked away and Bear took her picture in the NICU so I could see what she looked like.

"Here's your baby," he said.
I cried.

stay tuned for scenes from NeoNatal Intensive Care....right now I'm just going to go watch her breath....