life is good

life is good

I rarely have bad days. Most days I'm grateful to be on the planet, grateful for my unbelievably great friends, grateful for my happy family life, just grateful. That's what makes bad days bad for me. The way they hit me in the solar plexus and steal my smile. So, today I'm back in the saddle. It was one of those days; those kind of days I usually have.

Today I

...read a great story by Jack who doesn't want links cuz he's way too popular already

...talked to crazy mom who forgot all about me hanging up on her yesterday

...visited with one of my favorite people who is living in a gorgeous mansion in Milton and we're going swimming there as soon as the heater in her pool is fixed

...drove just under the speed limit all the way back from Boston so I could steal a million glances at Rio while she was sleeping in her carseat. her face flushed, her eyes fluttering, her lips pursed - heaven

...loved the dogs all up

...watched a little television (I watch too much when I'm sad)

...looked at Bear and thought, "Ai, chihuahua he's caliente!"

...enjoyed how a beautiful day looks even more beautiful through my rose glasses (I really do have rose colored glasses. I'll take a picture!)

...made a date with my new mom friend who rocks the planet. she'll get her own post soon :)

...shaped my toenails

...painted the hallway 'hazy lilac'

...found my mofo mojo

Here's the thing...

Here's the thing...

When I was in 7th grade I was madly in love with Alex. He gave me my first hickey and my first real introduction into how much a young heart can swell at the sight of another person. It ended, as those things do, but it ended well. We stayed very close all through high school. He went to college in Michigan and a couple of years I flew out there to make the drive home with him. We'd go through Canada and make an adventure of it. One year I was living in Florida and he and his frat brothers drove a Winnebago down to Fort Lauderdale and I drove up from Palm Beach to see him. There were drunk boys passed out all over that thing. It was one of the funnest weekends ever.

The Thursday before he died in a silly little car crash, he asked me if I thought I was reaching my potential doing hair. I told him 'Probably not but I'm making a boatload of cash' and we kinda laughed at that. But then he told me how much he respected my brain. Nice way to end things, I guess.

I think he was supposed to rule the world at some point. Awesome guy. The kind of guy that stays with you, twelve years after he left. That kind of guy.

I really do think of him often. I honestly believe that he visits me in my dreams. We've gone skiing, gone out to eat and last night I helped him brainstorm on an environmental situation. Evidently he's an environmental attorney in heaven. Really nice penthouse apartment in a highrise, too. White dog. But anyway.

Here's the thing. I've often thought of writing to his mother. Just to tell her that he's still alive in me. I wouldn't tell her about our visits, just that I continue to have a place in my heart for him.

Should I?

tough stuff

tough stuff

So, yesterday we got back from the license debacle and had lunch with Bear. Rio napped from 11:00 til 12:15. We all threw down some food and by 1:00 Rio and I were headed to Whole Foods Market, the grocery store that makes me giddy with glee.

DING DONGGGGGG...(BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK ad nauseam)

me: Hello, how can I help you?

one of 3 women: I'm (BARKBARKBARK) with (BARKBARKBARK).

me: (thinking 'odd time of day for Jehovah's Witnesses') I'm sorry, you're who?

1 of 3: We're (BARKBARKBARK) from the (BARKBARKBARK) Agency.

me: Agency?

1 of 3: Ye(BARKBARKBARK)s, the Early Intervention program? We have an appointment to see Rio today?

Well fuck. I completely forgot about that appointment and I hadn't looked at my book in days because for days I HAD BEEN TRYING TO GET TO THE FUCKING GROCERY STORE! So, I invited them in. With lunch dishes on the counter. And the rowing machine in the middle of the family room. And Mo and Ron trying to lick their faces.

***

They test a child on 6 different competencies. I can't remember them because the seriousness of having 2 nurses and a social worker finally hit me.

Something is wrong with Rio.

She is advanced in her fine motor skills. I'd love to bore you to death with how she poked her little finger into the scoop of the woman's hand where she had tried to surreptitiously palm a peg, but you'd soon grow weary. Her fine motor skills, reasoning skills and communication skills are advanced for her age.

She is on target with mimicking.

Her gross motor skills are 2 months behind. She's where an average 7 month old is. She'll be 10 months on the second.

I knew that would be the case. I'm not stupid. I see all the other babies in yoga crawling and rocking and side sitting and some of the little fuckers are standing up. They are all a lot younger. Rio sits happily, enjoying the goings on without feeling compelled to jump up and run around.

It was just hard to hear it.

Then last night I started to read more about the program. I called them initially because our new pediatrician recommended them; said Rio's torticollis would qualify her. I wonder if he had something else on his mind. Fucker.

***

I am anxious in the clinical sense. I have spikes of sweaty palms. My face flushes when a wave of anxiety breaks over my consciousness. I feel like crying and screaming and I don't know how to cope with the helpless feeling I have. All this since yesterday when I got the news.

Sub-normal gross motor skills.

I know many people out there have much bigger problems. I know we're so fortunate that her early and tough start is having so little effect on her growth. I know I know I know. But I still feel like crying. And screaming. My face is still hot and I still worry I might just fly off the earth because of the molecules of terror flinging themselves against my skin from the inside.

rip van baby

rip van baby

It has been a tough weekend/beginning of the week. Much running about, much oddness of schedules, much much. So, last night we were all exhausted. Quick bath, fast bottle, short book and Miss Rio is sound asleep by 8 o'clock. Bear and I head for bed just after 10 and are asleep by just after 11. Early for us.

This morning I woke up first, looked at the clock and was shocked to see 7:59. I woke Bear up and went in to see Rio. Sound asleep. Usually her little noises wake me up in the morning so I never set the alarm. Not today.

We went downstairs and had coffee together. Little wakeup noises coming from the monitor at 8:20. I gave her 10 minutes and then went to get her. Change, bottle, bananas and dressed. Today, I think, we're getting out of here early.

So, I get a phonecall from another mother with a baby with torticollis and plagiocephaly. We talk for 35 minutes. It's hard to go back there, but I'm happy to help. While talking to her I get dressed so we can get to Whole Foods Market and back before Bear comes home for lunch. Rio is playing and starts squeaking at 10:45. I say "No way kiddo. We're going to the grocery store. You just woke up!" and she plays for a few minutes. Then she looks at me and gives me the squeak again.

I know this squeak. This is how she says, "Naptime for me!". One more squeak and I'm putting her down at 11:05. She's asleep already.

Rip Van Baby.

I'm not complaining, really. I don't want to consider the alternate reality of a child that doesn't sleep. It's just hard to leave the house between all the sleeping and eating and sleeping again. Oh well, I guess I'll change the beds and try again this afternoon.

And, IA's right - misery does make for better blogging. I'm boring myself today.

ummm... ahhh, uhhhh...

ummm... ahhh, uhhhh...

So I'm supposed to guest blog. I need to gather my thoughts first - there's so much to write about. I'll figure something out and write tomorrow.

Right now I'm doing some patent research for the company I used to work for. It's a good gig but it gets pretty dry. I entertain myself by hiding secret messages in the applications I write and playing around with my invoice template to make my invoices just right. It's really all about sending them the pretty, symmetrical invoices every month. I giggle every time I email one to the accounts payable woman. She's cool: we make fun of the CEO, we make fun of the company in general, we wonder when he's going to bail out and pull the ripcord, unfurling his platinum parachute. She always gets my check cut in the very next check run. She's the best.

This month's check will get us a fenced-in back yard, something to corral Mo and Ron. I can't imagine what they'd kill and drag out of the swamp if they got loose. Something really stinky I'm sure.

I miss Nita and I miss Rio. They smell good...

a moment

a moment

Bear came home tonight and we 5 (Bear, me, Rio, Jack and HObbes) all laid down on the floor in the family room. Rio was taking things out and putting things in a cookie jar toy, having great fun. I fell asleep for a minute and Bear offered to give her a bath. I went upstairs to prep for her arrival: jammies, warm bottle, book, bed turned down, Pooh in place. They came upstairs and we dressed her. Bear played 'where's daddy?' with the towel over his head. She was cracking up as I dressed her for sleep.

It was when she was having her bottle, that moment I'm talking about. She was laying back in my arms, leaning into me, as I held her bottle for her. My pinkys stick out, some sort of genetic quirk. She has it, too. My pinky was out and she started playing with it. Used her index finger to trace around the tip a few times. Slid all of her fingers over it and squeezed. Then just rubbed her hand over mine and settled it there, so softly. We looked into each other's eyes as she finished the bottle. Her look said, 'No book tonight, k?' and I put her to bed.

It is those moments; the soft caresses we share, the gazes that seem packed with psychic messages, the nonsense language that will bring a smile that tells of a secret joke...it is these moments that define motherhood for me. That connection that feels as huge as the universe and as comfortable as my own skin.

inordinately saddened

inordinately saddened

He's gone. Got the news while watching one of the zillion repeats to which I am committed. I cried through the whole thing. I'm so sad. I wonder if it would be too strange for me to attend his funeral. Bear thinks so. Oh well.

Goodnight good sir. May your next adventure treat you well.

i'm shallow

i'm shallow

I told myself she needed a little break.

I told myself her head is looking amazing these days.

I told myself she's been sleeping on her left side of her head in the car and maybe it would be good for it to be just flat against her carseat.

I told myself that no hats would fit, even though it was warm enough today to go from the car to the building without one; which is what we did.

I told myself if I put the reindeer horns on her she'd need the hat so they didn't scratch her head AND that they would slip off the plastic.

I told myself that Bear is trying to get established in the pecking order at his new company and maybe Rio's 'condition' would become something that people whisper about.

I told myself that these were the reasons I left her helmet at home to go to Bear's work party.

I told myself it's not because I'm embarrassed. So why do I feel so ashamed of myself today?

poof!

poof!

Just like that, it's over. Tonight I laid Rio in her crib and she curled up onto her left side and fell asleep. You know, on the side she refuses to acknowledge even exists. The side that is only present in an alternate universe...she's sleeping on it right this very second. *sigh*

I will still have to continue with the stretching and PT because there have been physical ramifications from looking only to the right for so long, but I remain hopeful. Months of arguing with her and stretching her neck and curling her in a sideways ball and playing 'look at me jingling balls and blowing whistles and squeaking toys on your left side!!!' have paid off. *sigh*

AND we went for a head check today and she's made improvement there, as well. They have a model of her head from the casting and its on a stick which is more than a little creepy but we could really see where her head is changing. Thank the universe we're having some success. I hadn't realized how crooked her little noggin really was....

On a funny note, the therapist who Rio sees at Cranial Tech has that super thick hair. She also has some kinda objectionable highlights but whatever. Her stylist committed a very common and amateurish sin of leaving a long strand that comes from behind the ear. So, she has a bob with a wisp. I noticed it 2 appointments ago but now that I'm a mother I'm in training to not embarrass my daughter all the time so I'm practicing now because, frankly, it's going to take a lot of behavioral modification so I'm needing the headstart. Anyway, she said something about it today.

tech: (curling hair behind ear and pulling on her errant tail) Look at this silly thing!

me: Yeah, I noticed.

tech: You did?

me: Yup, 2 appointments ago. If you get me the office scissor I can fix it for you.

tech: OMG! Thanks!

She leaves the person training with her standing there and goes to get scissors. Bear is with us (more on that in a bit) so he tells the trainee that she'll be lucky enough to deal with super cute babies like Rio. Then he holds Rio up about 2 feet from her face and Rio lets out THE LOUDEST BELCH!!!

Tech returns with scissor and I fix up the spot and resist the urge to blend her layers, as well....

:: snow day ::

Bear did not pack the car last night as I recommended. He also did not set the alarm for a reasonable hour that he would likely get out of bed for, as I recommended. Instead, the alarm went off at 4am, 4:30 and 5:00. He called in snowbound at 7. I truly hate it when he does that and he does it often. So, I suggested he pack the car after Rio's appointment and head out before it gets dark. It is almost 8pm and he's in his office dinking around on the net. He'll SAY he's doing important stuff, but he's fibbing.

:: witness ::

We went shopping on Sunday. Madness. I did witness a few nice things.

* While waiting for Bear to pick up something in Circuit City I saw a great old yellow lab in the front seat of a big SUV. He was chill, just looking around. Had one of those great faces, all white with age. His 'dad' came out, a portly man of around 50 and the dog got into the driver's seat, all tag wags and smiles. The man stood outside his car with the door open so the dog could properly kiss his whole face before he made the dogger move over. Then he continued to pat the smiling dog on his head. Sweet.

*Bear was wanting to go into Starbucks and a car was coming out of a spot in their crazy small, crazy busy lot. He could see that another car around the corner was there first so he didn't just zip into the spot. Car one pulled out, car two pulled forward and Bear waved him on. He continued past the spot and smiled and waved. Guess he was on the way out anyway...

The rest of the day was the usual pushing, shoving, cutting in line, yelling at children disaster that you might expect.

naptime

naptime

Rio, on her side, arm outstretched with her fingers gently laid on my arm, baby fingers doing a slow dance. I lean over her and rub my nose on her cheek which makes her smile, and her eyes softly and slowly close, open, close. Jack is curled up at her feet, touching against her to keep her toes warm. Hobbes is curled opposite Jack, they are like seashells that have gathered the warmth of the sun on the beach; now they share that warmth. I tuck my toes into the V between the dogs. Rio's sweet baby breath whispers across my face. We all doze off.

just a few quick things

just a few quick things

:: Starbucks ::

Actually got behind one of those people who ordered a, lemme see if I can get it right, a 'half caf skinny cap no foam'.

What is the fun of a cappucino without the foam?

:: potty mouth ::

I've decided, after a short review of my blog, to say 'feckin' in place of 'fucking' in just about everyother cocksucking sentence. I have a feeling Rio is going to be in trouble when she hits kindergarten.....

:: my friends ::

Best on the planet. You all know who you are. How on earth did I get so feckin' blessed?

:: friday ::

Supposedly that's the day we close on the house in Massachusetts. Pretty exciting stuff. Bear wants us to sleep there on Friday night. We have no furniture, no refrigerator and a baby and 2 dogs. I pointed this out and he said, "So, do you wanna?"

Gotta love that guy.

:: speaking of loving that guy ::

He is staying with my Baby Brother. BB can work my nerves like no one on the planet but I also love him like crazy and he doesn't do it too often...

Bear is staying with him. They watch a variety of cartoons every night until it's time for Bear to go to bed. BB typically stays up til 2 am... BB gets up every morning at 6 to make coffee and breakfast for my darling husband. AND he has a gourmet meal on the table for him when he gets home. Last night was a scallop and shrimp casserole. I fear he's getting spoiled and mentioned that.

bear: Don't worry. He lives close now. I'm sure he'll come over to cook.

Yeah. My first staff member. His Christmas bonus could be great.....

november 22nd

november 22nd

I should write this out first and edit it and make sure it makes sense but I don't think that's going to happen. I really need to get this just plain out of my system. Looking at the pictures causes my chest to tighten up but writing it out always helps....

On November 22nd we took Rio to Cranial Technologies to have her head cast. First there were pictures from all angles and she looked left, right, and up with little prodding. The pictures were perfect. Then came the casting.



First the really lovely woman put a stocking over Rio's head and cut a mouth hole for her to breathe and scream out of. It was a little high so I had to keep pulling it down so it was lined up with her mouth. She was howling.

Then the tech applied strips of plaster of paris over my baby's forehead, over the top of her head, around the sides and across her back of her head. Bear had to hold Rio's arms down at her sides. Bear said to take pictures because if we did ever want to see it and hadn't taken pictures, there would be no turning back. So I snapped.



I had flashes of the prisoners trotted out on Iraqi television with the bags over their heads, helpless. My heart wrenched out of my body in about a million different directions. I was hot, cold, scared, furious and shaken to the core. I wondered what the hell I had done to her that her head wasn't perfect. Did I sleep too much on the one side I had been told to? Did I get improper nutrients that made her head softer than usual, not resilient?

Could I have done anything differently to have avoided this torture for my child?



I bawled like an idiot through the whole procedure. It takes ten minutes to cast although it feels as if a solid piece of my soul was chipped away in those minutes. I couldn't think about it for days afterward and have been prone to tears regarding this whole situation. I know Rio doesn't know what's going on, really, and intellectually I know I haven't done anything 'wrong' but my first lesson in parental helplessness really sucks.

Monday we pick up her 'band'. I still don't know how I feel about it.

:: bulges ::

Marion won last night. She was in fine form and took everything except overall winner. That is a hard category to judge because the bodies from the different weight/age classes can look so different. We had a fabulous time, made some new pals and I have a diet I'm going to try to lose my mothermound, aka my belly :)

In other bulgey new...we head out in about an hour to Cranial Technologies. Bear and I are already arguing because it's Rio's 1st naptime and I'm concerned about getting her up and dressed in time for the appointment half an hour away and *he* says if we don't dress her we'll have plenty of time and *I* hold onto my desire to put clothes on her instead of shlepping her all over in her pajamas. I'm loosening up on this one, but it still rubs me the wrong way.

:: drunk ain't always funny ::

So we went to a comedy show after dinner last night, Marion and I. The headliner was a laugh out loud riot. We were howling and the guy was a real piece of work. For about an hour. Then he started drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks. The sad feeling of watching him slide from funny to mean to virtually incoherent is still hanging with me. I guess I always feel that way about people with a gift and the odd inner compulsion to murder that gift that is so often an accompaniment to said talent. There is a lot more swirling about in my head regarding this one but I have to shower and get ready for what I'm dreading....

:: the good, the bad, and the ugly ::

:: the good ::

Rio has whacked her melon the slightest bit out of shape with all the right facing and sleeping action. It's called 'positional plagiocephaly' and it scares the living shit out of me. Luckily, this place is all about dealing with it AND we caught it early enough that the slight problem should be no problem at all.

:: the bad ::

It costs $3000 dollars for this lovely hat. Previously, our insurance company paid for this with no problems. Our out of network deductible is $300 and that's what it would cost us.

Now, Cranial Technologies is negotiating with our insurance company, which will not be named unless I have to sue them, to be in network. For those of you in the know - this means that it will no longer cost Sucky Insurance, Inc. $3000, it will cost the negotiated 'usual and customary' amount, which is argued about by the companies. Who cares, right? Well, of late our insurance company has imposed an 'allowable' of $2100. This means Sucky Insurance will only agree to pay $2100, less our deductible of $300 which is $1800 and we will be responsible for the other $1200. Nice, huh?

I am ready to do battle. I know our attorney General hates insurance companies. Rio photographs well and this should be interesting.

:: and now, the ugly ::

... low lights. wonderful conjugal stuff that you don't really want to know about... bear heads to the bathroom to dispose of interim barrier method...

bear: I have some interesting news. turns up lights exposing the shredded condom still on his, uh, ah, manhood.

me: Oh. My. Fucking. God. forgetting completely about my new resolution not to say G*d....

bear: Well, Rio is so great. One more would be fun, no?

~the next morning at 9:01~

me: Hello Nurse. I need to speak to someone about emergency contraception.

nurse: Oh my.

me: Exactly.

Soooooooooo. This morning for breakfast I had left over cat fish and a banana. That doesn't mean anything, right?

:: 4 month check-up ::

Rio weighed in at 14.5 pounds and 26.5 inches. She is around 75th percentile for weight and off the chart for her height. She still seems like a peanut to me but when I look at pictures I can't believe how big she's getting. She had her shots and recovered like a champ. She is in good spirits tonight and is talking to herself in bed as we speak.

She had cherry Tylenol. The very first thing besides breast milk and formula ever. She took it without incident and I think that's why she's feeling ok now. One of the injection sites has a little blood visible in the bandaid and Bear said he had the overpowering urge to punch the nurse in the face while she was giving shots. Perhaps Rio and I should do the doctor thing alone from now on....

One distressing note: her melon is a little funky. She still sleeps only on her right side, although her range of motion is improving greatly. Dr Cohen is referring us to Cranium Technologies for a head piece. Bear is hoping they have t-shirts with their company name. Dick. Doctor Cohen feels that Rio could use a band to straighten out the slope of her head. I plan to glue rhinestones all over the thing. That or antennae. Maybe plastic daisies.....

I'm trying not to freak out and doing an okay job. I know her head is malleable, I know it isn't a huge deal and I know it is best for Rio and so it will be done. I also know when she's the president or something we'll be able to make great cash selling the photos to Star Magazine. *sigh*

:: dog day ::

Petey came to my friend Orra via the pound. Orra volunteers and walks the dogs twice a week. Awesome, huh? I call it 'dog shopping'. She used to insist she was just helping and would not want to have a dog right now blahblahblah and then Petey came in off the street.

She was abandoned, full of belly tumors, not burdened with a lot of teeth and filthy beyond description. It was looking like her days were numbered because the pound can't afford extraordinary medical care. Especially for old dogs. So, naturally, Orra took her home. On the first day Orra brought Petey to my house. We washed Petey. Four times. She was still a little stinky. Then Orra started with surgeries and doctors visits and specialists and we now call her 'bionic petey' cuz she's worth about 3 thousand dollars that Orra didn't really have.

Petey tried to hump Jack. She would pee with her leg in the air like a boy. She would beg and beg and then look over whatever tidbit she had wrangled as if she were inspecting it for bugs. She went to work with Orra at the bridal shop and brides would return just to see her.

Petey would look in the mirrors at Orra and then bark until Orra picked her up cuz she was all confused. She wore barrettes and loved catfood.

Orra came down from Vermont to help me pack up the house. Petey had a seizure the first night she was here. Apparently she also had a stroke because she was pacing and clucking like a chicken so Orra went right back home. Unfortunately, she had ridden down here with a friend and was riding back with another so I had to drive her halfway to Vermont last night. I said goodbye to Petey in the parking lot of a Friendly's and cried half the way home. I didn't have a good feeling about that clucking.

Orra's vet said it was time for Petey to go today. I'll miss that stinky, crazy, funny, sweet little dog.

:: back to the fun ::

Miss Rio was a ladybug for Halloween. She didn't quite know what to make of all of it, but the pictures were fun.



Bear was a Bee and I was a Cowgirl**.



** When we were filling out the paperwork at the hospital we were a little overtired, anxious and crazed.

bear: These are for social security. 'Father's occupation'. Writes Director of Technology Development SUI. 'Mother's occupation'.

me: I don't wanna be a housewife. That sounds boring.

bear: How about 'cowgirl'?!

me: Yes! Cowgirl.

Hence, the outfit. Told you the fun was back. Yeehaw. Now that the nugget is taking a nap I have to go pack my closet. More fun than a barrel full of monkeys.

:: blogger should be fun ::

And on that note, I've decided to cut a few of the blogs I read. I don't want to have virtual arguments so I'm only reading things that make laugh. :) I work hard to keep the reality light and manageable around here....yippykayay...

:: office space ::

If you haven't seen the movie, you should. I gather it's a bit of a cult classic and we enjoyed the weirdness of it immensely. Unfortunately, Bear has adopted the attitude of the main character rather deeply. Since giving his notice he has a whole new attitude.

BossMan: What would you say if we were to offer you a 30% raise?
Bear: I would say you should have done that a long time ago.
***
WorkerBee: Bear, aren't you supposed to be in the meeting that just started?
Bear: Well, sure, but I didn't feel like it.
***
WorkerBee: blahblahblah
Bear: Really? Well, I'm going to go take a nap now.
***
This is the best. Lillian is the secretary for X1 and X2. X1 has pissed through so many assistants that X2 had to beg Lillian to take over and help him out. The guy is an honest to G*d prick. So, knowing that both X1 and X2 can hear Lillian, Bear called in yesterday morning cuz it was after 9 and he hadn't even left the house to begin his 2 hour commute.

Lillian: Good morning.
Bear: Hi Lillian. I'm running really late this morning.
L: I hope everything's alright.
B: Oh, yeah, sure. It's just that there is this really good cartoon on and I want to see how it ends so I won't be leaving here for another 20 minutes.
L: (stifling a snort) Well, ok Bear, you need to do that. I'll let them know you're on your way shortly.
B: Thanks Lillian! I'll be sure to let you know how it ends!

He's completely outta control! At least he's having fun for the first time in years. That place. *sigh* He works in the most corporate hell for a guy who lied to his face and continued to short change him. He's had the crappiest bonuses and the HR woman who bailed last week told him how much the other Directors had gotten. Substantially more than Bear. It's like X1 enjoyed toying with my man. All is not forgotten. It is going to be very difficult to replace Bear. And not just cuz he's handsome and sickly amusing.....

:: today I was a bad mom ::

But it might have started last night. This morning I hear Hobbes go into the bathroom and drink out of the toilet. He rarely does that. Then when Jack heard him, he hopped off the bed and went into the bathroom with Hobbes. I know Jack can't reach the toilet so I went downstairs to check their water bowl.

Bone.Dry. With little lick-marks on the bottom.

I filled it with fresh, cold water with some icecubes and they both set to. It made me cry a little. We're all a little out of sorts.

:: cast your votes here ::

We're going to be house shopping. We're going to spend every last dime we have because it makes sense to have the most house we can afford now because we'll be better able to afford it as time goes on and making a percentage profit on a more expensive house yields a bigger profit. Yeah, whatever. But we're house hunting. Bear wants to sit down and decide on a list of things we really want in the new place. I know he's gonna need a place to put his stupid car**. I've come up with this:

*a library or room that can be turned into a library
*enough bathrooms so Rio can have her own
*whirlpool bath (Jack loves him a whirlpool bath!)
*breakfast bar in the kitchen

Feel free to submit your suggestions :)


** In our garage is a 1969 Ford Fairlane Cobra. Primed for the original canary yellow. All the original engine parts - in a box next to the car. No engine, flat tire, seats are out and the killer- he has had it since he was 18. He's the second owner. He has a death-grip on the sucker. He has told me at least 3 times that he needs to get rid of it because it reminds him of the fact that he is ever so slightly of the procrastinator bent. Like 18 years now. He thinks he'll someday soon restore it to its former glory and make a killing on it. Now, I think he should take a thousand bucks for it and buy a high risk stock and actually stand a chance of making money on it. I suspect he'll be buried in it.

:: if you want to know why I'm smiling all the time ::

Today Bear said that he sent me a copy of his resignation letter to proofread. I was in the car running a zillion errands so I said I'd have to get to it later. We had talked about him offering to continue in a consultancy fashion because he's the only one who understands their patent portfolio. So, we got home from a busy day and I've been cooking and making food and cleaning and just got a chance to check my email for his notes. He sent me a house that costs over 500,000 that I would love to live in but we can't possibly afford it. He also sent me this ( with names being changed to protect the dickheads and whatnot) :


November 2, 2004


Mr X1, Chairman
Mr X2, President
SecurityIzUs, Inc.
New York, NY


Dear Fric and Frac:


It is with regret that I inform you that I will be leaving SIU. I have accepted a position as a jungle guide for Jungle Tours, Inc., located on the west bank of the !Goorinnabway River in Zaire. My last day here will be November 12th, as I need to undergo a serious of innoculations and cavity searches at the Zaire Health Ministry prior to my trans-Atlantic journey. Fortunately, my rectum is quite relaxed due to the furious ass fucking I got here at SUI- there should be no problem getting the ol' sphincter-scope right up there, you know, to check for communicable diseases and such.

It has been a pleasure working with both of you and the rest of the SUI team. I have learned a lot. The biggest lesson I umm, learned is, umm, uhh, umm, that whenever someone says that they'll, umm, uhh, get me where I need to be, uh, uhh, ummm, they're full of shit! X2,you are a fucking lying piece of shit, prissy, wannabe elite executive, douche bag, ass licking loser. Riiiiggghhhttt. Grrreeaattt.... You suck! X1, ummmmmm, do you know that your mind is halfway down the toilet? Do you know that I have a file of things I've done for you so when you ask me to do it again a month or two later and again and again and again, all I do is go into the file, change the date, and give it to you as if I just did it? And then I go back to writing my fuckin' rap lyrics, yo? Whatthafuk? Go find a nice park bench to sit on so you can tell the pigeons how it was done in 1953. I'm sure they'll find it fascinating... so get your huge, fat ass into your horseless carriage and get the fuck outta here. You suck, too!


Sincerely,

BeaR


The CEO says 'greaaaaaat' all the time and once, at a conference, Bear counted how many times he said 'ummm' to keep himself awake during his presentation. I laughed until I wheezed when I read this. I don't know if you'll find it so amusing but I sure hope so!

He's accepting a new job tomorrow and quitting the one that he doesn't so much like tomorrow as well. Good times.

RIO JUST ROLLED OVER!!

I did manage to call all the important people before blogging it for the world but is anyone as excited as I am??!!

:: guilt ::

Evidently I'm going to have to work with a team of professionals if I'm going to escape being paralyzed by guilt. I went to see Marion's bodybuilding show in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. I couldn't sleep so I left at 6 sharp, hours before Miss Thing arises. I called way less than a hundred times but started missing her with all my heart by noon.

The show was fantastic. Lots of different bodies so the competition was hard to call. Marion placed third in heavyweight division and she looked f-ing amazing. I'll post pictures when my camera is talking to my computer again...

So, I kept having mini-bursting into tears episodes throughout the day. I didn't stay for the evening activities and missed a fabulous sushi dinner when I left at 3pm. I kinda felt like a bad friend. I wanted to get home in time for her bath. I was, in fact, consumed by getting home in time for her bath. I had to pee but didn't stop. I was running out of gas but was praying that I could make it. I was crying so hard I could barely see but I kept scrubbing at my eyes and driving like a bat out of hell. I made it home in time to jump in the tub with her and feed her and put her to bed.

I missed her terribly in the 12 hours we were separated. I realized anew I'm in the thick of a whole new ballgame.

I don't so much mind, either.

:: guilt as comedy ::

me: Bear, could you watch her for a few minutes so I can get dressed and grab a bite to eat?

bear: How do you usually get dressed?

me: I run back and forth to where I left her on the bed but now that she can roll over, it'll be a different story. So, please just take her and finish this bottle.

bear: ok.

Singing songs and feeding her and 'oo, you're a drooly julie' from the living room. Then she starts to cry. Bear can't seem to quite get his finger on the cause so he brings her into the kitchen where I've had 3 whole bites of a sandwich that I was able to hold with both hands....

bear: See, she just wanted her Mommy. She said, 'Oh no, not again. Don't leave me!'

Funny stuff.

.

*warning: content may be objectionable and depressing*

I got my period yesterday. Nevermind that in the ten or so years pre-pregnancy it had dwindled to a highly manageable day and a half affair and has now returned with a 'fill this uterus now it's so ready to go' vengence, nevermind all that. Nevermind that I have cramps that are causing me to lay about and whine and cry. Nevermind that for the first time since I can remember I have ruined a pair of panties, nevermind all that. Mind the cause of this cycle: byebye breastmilk.

'You did what you could.'

'Most people would have quit a long time ago with all the problems you had.'

'You said you'd be happy if you could breastfeed for 3 months and it's almost 4.'

Well meaning but I remain heartbroken. I didn't know this journey into motherhood would be peppered with these pitstops that so affect the way I feel as a woman.

I didn't choose to stop breastfeeding. I don't get to choose much these days. With Rio blessedly sleeping 12 hours through the night, that is a big chunk of time with no stimulation. With her being so much more efficient and evolving into more substantial and more spaced out feedings, less stimulation. Forget about the pump-I gave that sucker away. Forget about the drugs-I simply can't handle them. So, forget about breastfeeding.

Mind you, Rio is getting a bit flip about it, as well. Just this morning while latched onto the right one that has hardly worked since the beginning, well, she shot me a look as if to say, "Broken. Next."

So I switched her to the heavy hitter left breast. This morning I couldn't even hear swallows. Maybe one or two. Bear said to take her off and look at her tongue to see if it was milky. I told him that she gets the white tongue from the formula and that almost made me cry.

I will be gone to New Hampshire all day Saturday and I have a feeling that will be it. Stick a fork in it, it's over. No longer will I be able to walk around with her cradled against my breast, availing herself of the bit of breastmilk, while I prepare the bottle. She'll have to wait, yearning, for the ding of the microwave. Her first lesson in disappointment.

Not mine.