less woe, more go

I'm over the pity party. No one showed up. I really shouldn't start them so late...

So, for you today, a story. The best ever turn-down-Nita story.

***

I was living in Rotten-Groton and I was more than a little nuts. I had broken up with a guy who was purely evil to me. I didn't know, but while I was in a monogamous 2 year relationship, he was trying to screw his way into Guinness World Book. I'm a little slow like that... anyway, I met *him* in a round-about way. He was the son of the woman dating the father of the guy who poached me from my bartending job to work for the family company. How we doing so far?! Let's call him CS.

CS was not my type at all. He had red hair. He had a small human that he'd made. He lived an hour away. He was grumpy. He was still in love with his ex. The attraction, you ask? He had no interest whatsoever in me. None. So, in that temporary insanity phase of my life - it was love at first sight for me.

I pursued him mercilessly. I often dined at his mom's boyfriend's house and made doubly certain to be there when CS was visiting. I invited him places. I hosted BBQs whenever he was in town and bought insane amounts of prepared foods and booze in an effort to sway him with my fake cooking. I dressed up. I dressed down. I played with children before I knew that I could play with children ... I really tried.

We were sitting on my front porch, watching the boats go by, and I told him that there was not one single reason *I* could think of that I should NOT be his girlfriend. I liked that he lived far away. I wasn't needy. I was non-jealous to the point of oblivion and he could check with my ex on that fact! I had my own deal going. I had 3 other boys that I was dating so he didn't have to worry about me wanting to see him all the time. I lied and said I was not crazy. Still, he wasn't buying.

This is how he explained it. I shit you not.

me: Seriously. I'm a great girlfriend!

CS: Okay. Listen. This is how I see it. You're a John Deere tractor. Except - you're the total high-end model. You have the special sparkle paint job. You have every single attachment that John Deere makes. You have a leather cushioned adjustable seat. You have a sunshade.You even have chilled cup holders.

[pause]

But I live in Brooklyn. I don't got a lawn. See?

And at long last, I did.

***

Is it just me, or is that the greatest turndown eva?!

9 comments:

the slackmistress said...

Awwww!

Alice said...

HAAA. that is pretty fantastic. i've just had moronic turn-downs, no actual clever or memorable ones.

Busy_Woman said...

That is the best turn down ever.

Diana said...

Woooooowwwwwwwwww....(say that a la Flavor Flav!)
What a burn...

Beth said...

Too awesome! I love it.

Belinda said...

WOW. No, it's not just you! That is perfect--the rejection that leaves you too flattered to be angry. That's a mythical achievement, right there.

liv said...

the sparkle paint job. good stuff.

TLC said...

Ok, that's great. Reminds me of a guy I had a major crush on in high school, years and an eon ago. He said: "The trouble here is, we like to talk about what color the car is. You wanna know what the paint is made of."

Broke my heart, but had to admit, he was right. I went on to big things. He went on to a career at Walmart. Kid you not.

Swistle said...

No, you are totally right: that is the best turndown EVER.