top 5 reasons I am the world's worst secretary

1) I throw things
I just threw everything off my desk in a fit of pique. I'm working with the Benny Card people, who I hate, and I have to justify our purchases at fucking CVS cuz, you know, we're buying cars and furs there with our cafeteria spending plan....yeah, so, I couldn't find tape on my messy desk so I cleared it by throwing everything on the floor. Now I have tape to tape the receipts for the things OUR INSURANCE COMPANY WOULDN'T PAY FOR SO THAT'S WHY THE AMOUNT IS WEIRD...I now can tape the receipts and fax them.

2) I swear a lot
I was trying to fax the taped receipts and they are too fat for the fax machine so it rejected them twice and quit the transmission and printed me a NICE FUCKING COCKSUCKING SHEET THAT EXPLAINS THE SON OF A BITCH PAPER GOT JAMMED. Twice. I said the capitalized words out loud.

3) I could never have an office affair
I hate having to take care of this shit so much, and I swear about it so loud, that no matter what I wear or how provocative I may be, I'd never be approached for the old 'on the desk' action, because I am seething with fury which makes me furrow my brow, negating any provocativity...

4) I suck at this job
I got this memo from the big man (Bear) the first week in November. They will be turning our card off again on December 5th if they don't receive the substantiation. I'm just getting around to it now and I totally have an attitude about it.

5) I have high expectations
If my boss gave me some lame holiday flowers, I'd have even more attitude. I would much prefer something like this from Dotflowers because I like the message about the affection and respect. And it costs over $200 bucks. So, if my boss gave me his credit card in that ultimately condescending manner of 'buy yourself something pretty' I would most certainly get a $200 casket piece AND the Godiva goodie bucket because nothing says "I am defining my own holiday bonus" like beautiful (and expensive and casket) flowers and a bucket of chocolately goodness.

*If you're a secretary, seething at your desk and fighting with office equipment and your boss tosses you a card with a 'take care of this for me' on the way to his 3 martini lunch, get yourself some of theeeeese! Can anyone tell what I'm supposed to be doing while I'm blogging?!