FUUUUUUUUUUCK

More lessons from how fickle Blogger can be. Did you know that if you preview, check a link and then back up, you lose your entire post? I feel like I'm back in the early days of computers when you would be on a wild tear, writing, creating, not saving and *poof* it would be all gone. So, who knows what genius was lost? Ugh.

CLEP

College Level Examination Program. I CLEP'ed 33 credits. Simple stuff. One of the tests I was approved by the Dean to take was Algebra. Not such simple stuff. So, it turns out I've mostly graduated Magna Cum Laude from my college. I still owe this test. I was hoping that my karma was spectacular enough for it to somehow disappear that I've taken no math. No such luck. Crap. So I'm doing the self teaching book before I take it in 2 weeks. The only problem is I can 'hear' that in my brain, I am SO not paying attention....

The difference between a polynomial and a binomial is blahblahblahblah..IwonderwhatDawson'sCreekepisodeplayedtoday...didIremembertofeed
thedogs...isthatpoopIsmell?blahblahblah. Wish me luck.

Ooo la la LA lala

Overheard from Bear's conversation with Rio just now...

bear: The official complaint of the day is 'Ooo la la LA lala'.
rio: Ooo la la LA lala.

So damned cute. But not as cute as when he sings this song to the nugget. You have to understand he has a very deep voice so when he tries for that high note, and he does, it is pure comedy. That poor kid doesn't stand a chance in hell at having musical talent. Well, aside from Bear's Hoffman Syndrome*** and how that makes him such a superior drummer.....

She remains the perfect baby...

Mothers, turn away. Everyone else...guess how long Rio slept last night? She had a bath at 9 was asleep by 10 and slept until 4:45 this morning. Is that incredible or what?! I left a message for my best friend, who is breastfeeding her newborn every hour on the hour, that she should watch her mail cuz I'm sending formula and bottles! Seriously, the breast feeding is going well for someone with mangled milk ducts. She is growing like a weed and is super strong. I love how she whips that head around, too. *sigh*

Ok, I have to stop typing so I can listen to Bear converse with her. He makes my heart soooo happy. Ok, except he's saying to our baby, "This diaper is huuuge. They're as big as my grandmothers. That's some funny shit. Here's a dry dizzle for your pizzle. Ooo, fartronella is in the house."

*sigh*
teehee :)


*** I couldn't make the trackback work so here's what I was referencing above....

from June 11th

hoffman syndrome

Speaking of my funnyman..... He comes home yesterday from a new neurophysical (?) doctor as he tries and tries to recover from January's car accident.

Bear: This guy is so smart. He took out all these kinesiology books to show me exactly what he was talking about. And he did all these tests and showed me on a giant chart exactly how the nerve bundles grow from infancy through adulthood. It was fascinating!

me: *wrinkling forehead hoping I never have to go to this guy*

Bear: And he said I have 'Hoffman Syndrome.' You know what that is? (At this point he begins to hold his fingers up in weird configurations, flicking certain ones in an effort to recreated the tests the doc was doing. He looked silly.)

It means I'm hyper reflexive. The doc asked if I had superior hand eye coordination. ( I immediately thought of his drumming skills and juggling skills. Here's a hint: His drumming practice sessions are 40 second spats of drumming punctuated with loud "Fuck!"s when he misses something. His juggling, while impressive, causes the dogs to leave the room lest they be beaned again.)

me: Does this syndrome explain why you have to hang your mouth open for your hyper reflexivity super duper hand eye coordination to kick in?!

Evidently, there is no direct correlation. Go figure.

:: she's got a waaaaay about her, don't know what it is, but I'm sure that I could live without her..... ::

That would be the sound of the other shoe dropping. I was dropping a pal off after she dropped off Bear's new favorite toy** when Mother- called. She told Bear that my grandfather was in the hospital dying so I should give a call. Then she regaled him with the tale of Keith. Keith is the guy she was shtupping while he spent winter break from college at our house. The tale now goes that he wanted to drop out of law school to take care of her (her language) and she wouldn't allow it so now he has her to be thankful to (again, her language) now that's he a big lawyer in California. That and she was married to Jim about 29 minutes after her divorce to George was final, but facts don't figure hard in Mother-'s life. Bear said it was a bizarre conversation, at best. She told him how Keith was a lifeguard and built like a brick shithouse (again, her language) and how she didn't know where things would go but she was excited to see and all that jazz. So, 2 minutes giving the number for Grampy in the hospital and 15 minutes of Keith this and Keith that.

I walk in and Bear hands me the phone with an eye roll so I don't know anything. She tells me my grandfather has a mass on his kidney, 80 percent blockage of 3 arteries and his pacemaker, newly installed, appears to have a low battery.

I start to cry. Mother- says there is no need to be upset. I ask if he's going to be alright and she says, "Probably not. This is probably it for your grandfather. He has Jill there (my aunt of whom my Mother- is insanely jealous) and that's who he wants so I'm sure they'll figure out how they want to handle things. If you have questions, you should call Jim."

NOW...my mother went for more than ten years without speaking to my grandparents for some sleight, real or imagined. She thinks everyone likes Jill better because she's prettier but it really is because Jill isn't an evil witch.

Jim is her ex-husband (a critical care nurse who is fabulous at his job) who I am in contact with because he's the only father type person I ever had that wasn't a total fuckwad. She is always trying to get info about him from me. All I've spilled is that he lost 40 pounds and looks great...twist, twist.

M-: He's had a full life and he is surrounded by the people he has chosen. Did they call you (knowing full well they had asked HER to call me so they had not...)?

me: I don't know how you can be so blase about his situation but I can assure you that even if he was 120 years old, I would still be upset that he's sick.

M-: Really, Nita, he's 87 and it's silly to feel that way. This has been coming for some time now. He's an old man and his health was bound to fail. With the mass on his kidney probably being cancer and his imminent heart failure, they'll probably just let him go.

At this point I'm seething. I am so tempted to throw her overblown reaction TO HER DOG'S DEATH up in her face. Remember her reading the whole dog book and then crying about Ben? Who's been dead for more than 4 years?! And I'm supposed to just be 'okay' with my grandfather's death.

me: You're certainly entitled to feel however you want to about your father and I'm entitled to feel whatever I am feeling about my grandfather. Now, I'm going to call him and tell him I love him. Goodbye.

And I hung up. I called the hospital and got Grampy himself.

G: Hi darlin'!

me: How's it going, kid?

G: Ok. I'm going to have open heart surgery on Monday or Tuesday. The kidney business is just a thick coating of some sort, so that doctore isn't too concerned. Says we can figure that out after surgery.

me: How are you feeling about all this?

G: Well, darlin', I guess it isn't my time yet although I may pop the doc who put in this pacemaker right in the nose! Low battery? Don't they check these things?! Hahahahaha.

I wanted to kill her. At the very least I wanted to call her back and tell her if she could get off the phone with Keith for A FUCKING MINUTE and fact check before she called me she would have known what was really going on. I'm still pissed today but I didn't call her. And I'm not going to. She has shut people out of our lives ever since I can remember. She is the Queen Mother- of the grudge and the world record keeper for holding them. I am not going to speak to her for a while. I'm going to use caller ID as it's supposed to be used and she can go take a flying fuck at a donut while I try to purge this rage I have inside. Bear and Rio and the doggers really help....

My grandfather is probably going to keep on ticking. Evidently, the time bomb that was niceMother- has finally exploded. We all knew it had to end this way, right?


**On a lighter note, you'll never guess what we got for a hundred bucks and a full head of three color highlights....



Maybe I should have taken the money for doing the highlights, whaddaya think?!

and I'm slippin' into the Twilight Zone...

Truly amazing music came from the '80s and you know it.

Mom arrived on time and watched Rio while I cut and colored some hair. She didn't tweak me again. It is getting harder and harder to deny this nice streak. She isn't seeing her crazy Vemont therapist anymore (and I don't mean that in the nice way, I mean that in the actionable way) and she's not taking the zillion drugs that said crazy therapist used to give her and I really think it's making a difference. Yay for us.

She is still overly emotional and insane so there is THAT to deal with. She called to let me know she'd made it home alright. Honestly, you'd think she had to drive through a real life Mad Max stretch of highway to get home the way she's so always so thrilled to have negotiated her way to safety on I95!

She had stopped and bought a dog book. Pictures and little captions. So, she called, said she'd made it (whew!) and then proceeded to read me the caption that accompanied each and every photograph in the book. Even after I said I could look at it when I visited next. Even after I asked if it was a long book. Even after I gave up and just started talking to Bear while she was reading. She made it all the way through the book and then started crying cuz she misses her dog that has been dead for 4 years. And she has a new one. Sometimes I just think she'd be better off in a nice.safe.place.

Like a sanitarium.

Whatever.

ZZZZZZZZ

So.....Rio slept 6 hours again last night. I swear I have the most perfect baby on the planet. Today we are going to Breastfeeding Consultants. We are going to weigh her before and after to see if she's really getting anything. There will be no pictures of this exercise, regretfully. Oh, it's not that I'm shy. They are top secret there so no cameras, you see.....

Tragedy on the homefront

Bear has poison ivy. If you know of any remedies please send them along because if he continues to bitch about it, I'm going to scrape it off with a big knife.

Thank you.

make room in the trash for all parenting books

Last night Bear slept in the guest room because he has some big meeting today and he can't sleep through this one. Fine, Rio and I head to bed around 10pm. By 11 she is fed, clean and dry and laying next to me in bed. We fall sound asleep playing, which is nice if you haven't done it recently. At 2:30 this morning she woke both of us up fussing around. I do a clock-check. Three hours, okay, she could be hungry.....OR she could sleep for a little bit longer. I roll her up onto my chest and she goes right back to sleep. Until 5:30 this morning!! Yes, six hours of sleep for the nugget. Looks like she'll be on my chest until she crushes the life out of me.

On another note...

I try to keep these 2 up for as long as possible when I see them. Ali, my goddaughter with Rio....



and SamSam The Frying Pan Man, keeping himself entertained.



These kids are so great I can't even explain it. When I found out I was pregnant I called their mother and said, "Ok, write down everything you did with Sam and Ali. I'll need to know it all." I'm still waiting....

Mother's arrival is imminent

And I'm not even concerned. She has been lovely lately so who knows what she's on. We'll see if it lasts. She is all jazzed up because she's back in contact with some dude she was shtupping during her second marriage. He's 15 years younger, divorced now and she's planning a trip. What a trip THAT should be. I don't want to know. So, I'm going to shower and then bathe Rio and wait for Mother to arrive. I'll keep you posted....

my god-daughter

I'm more of a secular god parent and actually, I got upgraded from Fairy Godmother. I almost prefer that.....

Ali and I have traveled these paths before. We were crazy about each other from the first moment we met which was when she was about 18 months old and her mom brought her into my old hair salon for a haircut. She was the worst wiggle worm for years and I am happy and sad that she sits so still now, like a big girl. She is getting ready to go into middle school this year which is big. She has had teachers that were actually threatened by her and I worry for her alot, although she doesn't really need me to. She is the most wonderful bundle of character I know. She is simultaneously incredibly brave and such a little girl. She can be snarky and then blink at you with her giant eyes and you don't mind at all. She is an unbelievable actress. When she is on stage, she is all you want to look at. I have cried at every single one of her plays. When she does her first Burger King commercial, I'll have to quit television... She is very very bright, incredibly witty, beautiful as all hell and special to her core. She makes me wish I was a better person so I never ever let her down.


Rio and her rocker

She likes this, despite the 'I'm so bored with this' face.



She is growing like a weed. Already she is too big for some of her clothes. Too long, to be precise. We are loving her like crazy and she remains perfect. She also remains up all night. I let her sleep on my chest sometimes and everyone says what a bad idea that is. I really don't care. She sleeps. I'll worry about the transition when she's 11 or so. Seriously, she's just too young to leave her crying about sleep when it's so easy for us to find it for her right there on my chest :)

I just found this haiku that I wrote the day after returning from Ocho Rios...it was the day I got pregnant :)

what a vacation!
fun and sun and r and r
but i did miss home

fat folks on the plane
overtook my extra seat
so i could not nap

i was excited
flying in over boston
just a few more hours...

i phone him first thing
i'm supposed to head up north
he says i should go

'i want to see you
i missed you so much, my sweet
didn't you miss me?'

i am a bit sad
i was gone-and forgotten
so i tell him this

'wellllll,' he says slowly
'you know the stuff on my list?
the stuff that you need?

the time really flew
i thought i could get stuff done
sadly, i did not

i will do it ALL!
i will start in the morning
the list will be done!

the molding downstairs
even your messy closet
and the garage door

paint will really fly
the cleaner will be busy
with all of my piles

i will clean the rugs
straighten up the kitchen shelves
even wash the dogs!

kelly is coming
i have yet to make her bed
she will need clean sheets!

that needs to be done
i know how to make a bed
at least, i think so

so-go to vermont
i'm not ready for you here
i got a late start'

so i say to him
'i know you forgot the list
it's ok with me

i'll do the guest room
the rest of the stuff can wait
plus, i miss the dogs'

i can hear him smile
'so what are you waiting for?
get your tan ass home!'

:: the sound of one hand clapping ::

The spell has been broken, for the moment. Rio retired at 11pm after her exhausting day of sleeping only one hour at a time and feeding every two. Whew. Bear hit the door and I only let him get changed before handing the wee one off and crashing like a drunken Kennedy. I slept from 6pm until 11pm and feel much better for it. The big news is Rio slept from 11 until 3:30am. Yippee! And right now she's considering her mobile and laying quietly in,what I hope, is nearing sleep.

Bear got a little taste of what our days can be like. He said he was only able to set her down long enough to whip together a sandwich and she screamed all the while. I remain so thankful she's not a fussy baby in that this behaviour is quite out of the ordinary. If he should encounter this sort of 'don't put me down or I'll reallllly start to fuss' behaviour, here are a couple of tips on how to do things one-handed...

eating
Forget about it. Settle for a glass of water because you can balance the glass on the shelf under the spigot. Use plastic in case the dogs knock it off. That way you can just leave the whole mess on the floor until she DOES nap and then you'll just have to mop and not clean up glass.

You could have crackers, but without cheese cuz it's impossible to spread with one hand. The container scoots all around and you end up dropping it on the floor. See 1st note.

bottle prep
Difficult, at best, with one hand. That is why I was so frigging aggravated with you when I discovered that you had used the last bottle this morning and left me with none prepared. I guess that was my price to pay for the 1.5 hours of sleep I grabbed before you headed to work?!

To check the level of what she's had, place the bottle firmly between your legs and screw the top off, releasing the suction in the liner. This is where you'll be glad that I don't use superhuman force to put the tops on....

bodily functions
I recommend sliding the pants down on the far side of the arm you have free. Some clothes cannot be wrenched down in this fashion and it's best to know that before you get the one easy side down and under one buttcheek.

Wipe however you can. Try not to get anything on the baby.

doorbell
Another thing in the growing list of 'fuck it's. You can't hold the baby, the door and the dogs back all at the same time. So what if the UPS guy hears you talking to Rio and not answering the door? If you do decided to try to answer the door, make certain you've pulled the one easy side of your pants back up after discovering the other side won't budge.


Now, before you all start to think Bear is falling apart under the pressure, well, consider this: he is incredibly resourceful and brilliant. Just last night he got Rio to sleep after a mere 5 hours. Here is the proof:



She fell asleep on a pillow from the couch so he put her in her portable bassinet on the main floor and then when it was time for bed, he simply put the whole shooting match into the crib in our room. Brilliant or what?!

tick tock, around the clock

Rio graced us with smiles, coos and burps every 2 hours since 7 o'clock last night! That means: 9pm, 11pm, 1am, 3am, 5am, 7am, 9am, 11am and most recently- 1pm. She is looking at her mobile while her mom prays she takes a nap. She has been nursing all day in bouts and fits. We're having a lazy-who-cares-what-time-it-is kind of day. Nice.

so sad I don't even know how to say it

My friend MAC called today to find out what happened with a mutual friend. She was due in 3 weeks and lost her baby . The child had been moving around inside her like crazy and then just stopped so she went to the hospital for an ultra-sound on Saturday. The cord had knotted and the baby had died. I don't know why they say 'lost'. The baby was right there, inside her. She delivered a still born because common wisdom says it helps with closure. I say 'horseshit'. Words are not coming because I am so not in the place to even consider something like that. I just held Rio in my lap and didn't mind for a minute that she could be considered 'fussy' today. So we cuddled, I cried, she cooed and we sent the girl and her baby white light for healing and the transition. I'm absolutely sick to my stomach.

If you lose your parents, you're an orphan. If you lose your spouse, you're a widow. If you lose your child it is so awful, there isn't even a word for it. Pray, or do whatever you do, okay?

:: carjackings and other irrational fears ::

Rio and I had our first big adventure. We packed up and headed to Vermont for a midweek break. The intention was tri-fold, as my intentions usually are. First, Bear needed some sleep and he would be able to snooze away with us gone. Secondly, my pals needed someone to house-sit and keep an eye on their 16 year old son. Thirdly, there are dozens of people who hadn't even laid eyes on Rio yet, including my cherished god-daughter.

So, we went on late Sunday afternoon. I won't bore you with the amazing amount of gear that I felt compelled to pack, but let it suffice to say that the back of my new station wagon was jam packed. I fed Rio and then jumped in the car so we could make it to Vermont during her nap.

She didn't wake up until Barre which is 30 minutes from Stowe. I pulled off and parked in a commuter lot, across from a fire department. I have been in the backseat of a car in the dark before, but never has that experience included abject terror. I was breastfeeding her and looking all around and thinking the most awful thoughts about what might happen in the dark in the middle of nowhere at 10 o'clock at night. I had a complete plan for tucking Rio into the footwell, springing out of the car and murdering the unseen boogieman with my keys. Not so relaxing but we made it through our pitstop without incident and I didn't have to murder a single person.

Stowe wasn't bad. I visited with my dear friend Penny and her lovies; daughter Lindsay and grandson Carson. I saw Bobby for a New York second. I went to a pond and watched Carson catch frogs. It was all okay except that my skin was crawling off my body and all I wanted to do was get home. That second. Immediately.

I called the homeowners and explained I had lost my mind and was pretty sure it was at my house in Connecticut. I started to bawl uncontrollably and they were lovely about understanding and making other arrangements. I packed all the stuff back up, and headed home at 8 pm.

I was exhausted on the trip home. I was rubbing Purell on my face to stay alert. I burst into tears about 15 times. I realized I couldn't stop for coffee or go to the bathroom without bringing Rio inside and thus, waking her up. Then I would have to try to find another safe spot for changing and feeding. I had imbibed a couple of Red Bulls so my guts were roiling and I really had to go.

I pulled waaaay over on a shoulder. I got out and walked around to the passenger side, without getting struck by a passing vehicle and thus leaving my baby stranded and alone on the side of the road. Obviously I couldn't go into the woods and leave Rio to be carjacked in my highly desirable Subaru. So I peed next to the car. I had to go so badly that the splash was intense, soaking my sheepskin flipflops and my velour track pants up to the knees. Of course, my feet were drenched in my own urine, as well. I burst into tears for the 16th time, took off my pants and shoes and got back in the car.

I arrived home at 12:30, sobbing with no pants on. Bear seemed happy to see us.

***

So I know I'm not depressed. If one more person says, "Post partum depression" to me, I'll scream. I love my baby and my husband and my dogs and even my messy house. I think I would be able to tell if it were depression although I am sure as shit I'm having some sort of hormonal issue.

I always go a million miles an hour. Multi-task? I invented it when I used to read the New York Times while training myself on the potty. I can take an insane list of 'to do's' and turn it into 'just another busy day'. To be overwhelmed by a little travel and some visiting? Unheard of. But it happened. And I learned my lesson. I don't have post-partum as much as I have 'exhausted post-partum agoraphobia'. I just want to be home where I know where the extra diapers are, I have 3 chairs for breastfeeding with comfy pillows for Rio, I know Bear will be home soon to lend a hand.

I realized I can't do it all and shouldn't try. I am not well-versed enough with the care and feeding of Rio to take the show on the road. Anyone who needs to see her, can visit. And they can put their drink glass in the dishwasher. Yes, this child is changing my life in ways I couldn't have imagined. I'm becoming sensible.

no one said it would be easy. no one said it'd be this hard

People tell me I sound nothing like Sheryl Crow....

Breastfeeding.

I, for one, was blissfully ignorant of the new judgmental hot button issue of the day. I figured; tits, hormones, nature takes over and voila! I don't need no stinking formula. Oh how wrong I was.

I was reading this little gem that made me want to cry and I'm inspired to post instead of folding laundry and waiting for the babe to awaken.

Breastfeeding is rugged. Every Tom, Dick and Harry wants to make you feel like a criminal if you give your baby formula. Formula has become shameful.

I noticed today that it is kept waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay in the back of Babies R Us. Coincidence? I think not.

I see the looks of Those Who Are Successful while I'm cruising Similac. Today I was trying to figure out which was the cheapest way to make the stuff: Ready To Feed, Concentrate, Powder in 3 sizes, Single Servings.... To make matters worse some of the measurements are metric and some are ounces/quarts so figuring it out would have taken a calculator and a conversion chart. All that made worse by TWAS pursing lips and clicking teeth. I felt like an announcement had gone out over the loud speaker:

Lazy and uncaring mother picking out formula needs assistance in aisle 17 waaay in the back. I guess we know who lives under a rock and doesn't know ' breast is best'. Not only has she given up on what her child really needs, she's looking to do it cheaply. Darcy, see if you can help her poison her child, please.She'll probably want to look at polyester crib sheets after that. Easier to clean and iron...

Breastfeeding seems like it should be simple but it is not. There are about a zillion books on how to do it, keep doing it, start up again doing it, why you should do it...ugh. I am trying. I had a breast reduction so I could wear clothing from the same fucking stores on this one body instead of Gap 8 khakis with Lane Bryant 2x tops. So shoot me. Here's what breastfeeding entails for me:

*fenugreek*
I was told a side effect was smelling like maple syrup. In actuality, it makes me smell like a goat that has rolled in maple syrup that was oozing out of a dumpster. AND it gives me ungodly gas that can be heard rumbling in my gut from 8 feet away. Oh, and it didn't work but I was told that I should stay on it while taking the

*metochlopromide*
I don't want to look it up because I don't want to know it was originally used for male pattern baldness or some shit and a side effect was squirty boobies. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. So I take it 3 times a day. My mouth tastes like there is a nickel under my tongue. I have nausea, constipation and diarrhea in alternating bouts, and it feels weird to pee. But the pumping had in fact doubled. Before Rio did her magic trick of nursing I was pumping an astounding 1.5 ounces. That was collected over the entire day. At great physical discomfort with my tits pulled out 2 inches, 34 times a minute. Yes, I count. It helps to keep me from screaming.

*beer*
I drink one a day. That isn't a complaint. It is the only good news I got about all the things I should be doing.....

*fatty foods*
Yup, was told it was vital because breastmilk has a lot of fat and fatty foods will help bring it on. So now I worry that my workouts are sabotaging my milking efforts.

*the solution*
Fuck it. I am eating what appeals as my appetite has been class A-1 shitty since last November. I drink Becks Dark cuz I like it. I am taking the meds through the next cycle and then I'd like to return to a minty fresh mouth and a body that smells of Coco Chanel, not Eau de Goat. Fuck it.Fuck it.Fuck it. Rio is gaining weight, tracking with her eyes, trying to find her mouth with her hand and she makes about 27 really funny faces. She telegraphs when she's pooping and she doesn't seem to hate me at all for giving her Similac. In fact-she chugs that shit. And crosses her hands across her chest and makes cooing noises as the bottle easily slides the nectar down her gullet.

Are we breastfeeding? Yes. Does it make me ridiculously happy? Yes. Is it best for her? Probably. Will I be forced to wear a cutout nipple as a mark of shame when my milk fails, as it inevitably will, when I end the 2nd course of meds? I hope not.

I have nothing against those the people who have mastered and perservered and perfected and whatnot, the Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. I think it is amazing and wonderful. Just try to understand what others go through, ok?

:: the all boobie network ::

All boobies, all the time.

Rio has become a breast-fed baby. Last night we had one marathon session where she had NO FORMULA WHATSOEVER. Who knew?!

Bear knows really great swear words

and he's busting them all OVER the basement. He has a new universal remote that may not be as easy to set up as he may have thought it would be. For example, I was trying to watch a show and he turned the tv off and on and off and on and now I'm blogging because I can't watch the show with volume, although if we turn the TV off the surround sound seems to work fine......

He just caved and called the kid from Circuit City to come over and help. That means I have to go to the packy because he won't take money but he will take a case of beer.

??

Then we're off to BabiesRUs, the bank and the car dealership. I left the EZPass in the car we traded in last week when I joined suburban momhood. Yup, a Subaru Outback is now my ride of choice. With all the gear that it is going to take to get me and Rio to Vermont for a few days...I shoulda gotten a dump truck.

And how is your weekend so far?!

~never say never~

Of course you realize by now that Miss Rio is the embodiment of perfection, yes? Then it will amuse you to know that 'she never spits up' is now a thing of the past. She had her usual 'fussy' time last night. We were up, singing and eating and fooling around and then eating some more. We came upstairs to see if sleep might be in the near future. No. So we went into her room to rock and maybe nurse** some more....

She made the 'I have a burp stuck' screech so I sat her upright for a back pat. She turned her head toward me and shot 4 ounces of formula upside my head. It hit my cheek, neck, upper arm and she was covered too. Surprisingly, not that gross.

Yep, I'm somebody's mom.

**

For the last 2 days Rio has been a breast feeding machine. My pal, CG came over and helped me with some breasty type tips. Rio was being a big showoff and latched on like a lunatic. Well, then she just kept doing it and it seems to agree with her. She's up to an 80% latch rate from a maybe once a day latch rate. We're thrilled. I am happy to report that the feeding prior to the milk bath was primarily formula as I was running a bit low....

I f-ing hate Blogger

Because not only will your long ass terribly witty post be annihilated if you use one of the tempting 'helpers' in the above toolbar, but you will also lose aforementioned post if you try 'control b' for bold. It's like a damned HTML from hell program. Try a shortcut, lose your place in line.

Next, please.

As I WAS saying...

but I've pretty much lost that loving feeling. I was saying that I had a nice time with my mother today. I spent the whole day poised for the attack. The 'I told you so' or the 'I can't believe you're so _____ (insert something pleasant here so I know she didn't KNOW I am smart or capable or whatever doesn't suck)' or the 'I certainly wouldn't dream of doing it that way'.... or the myriad of other slings and barbs she has at the ready.

Nope. Just a nice visit. Yummy totally fattening lunch with lobster and avocado and a bowl of butter and other fat and tasty things. She didn't make me want to cry or scream once. Not once. Unbelievable. AND she gave me this neat ottoman that will go really well in our bedroom and Bear can stop complaining about kicking the wrought iron footstool I'm now using for nursing although it's been there for over a month so why the hell doesn't he just walk around the damned thing because I need to prop my feet to properly rock the wee one...

Uh, see? Her kindness has me all out of sorts.


:: more pictures, you say? ::

I could so tell you were just watching my mouth and not really listening....

:: one month check-up ::

Little Miss Rio is doing very well. She is 21.5 inches long and 8lbs 4.5 oz...

Her doctor is quite pleased with her progress :)

Wowza.

:: COOT ::

Today, kids, something new. I have been finding myself in some interesting outfits of late. Never knowing what time Miss Rio will awaken or for how long she may be among the conscious, well, I've been throwing clothes on in a rather haphazard fashion. At least every couple of days I pass a mirror and think, "WTF"??!! So, on those days when the COOT factor is amuuuuuusing - I'll share.

pink tennis shirt
bear's boxer briefs
pink sheepskin flipflops
*no special jewelry....

Yeah, quite a visual.

mmmmmm

I was in the near dark of our bedroom with our baby sighing on my chest looking at Bear's feet sticking out of the covers when I was struck by how perfect the whole thing is.

i'm a little bit sad

Mike Tyson is all done and, believe it or not, that makes me a little sad. We TIVO'd the fight and just watched it.

Bear said it, "He looks like a little kid". And he did. All stunned and without the bravado he usually displays pre-match. The boy can talk some ridiculous shit. But at the end of round 4, he just looked like a kid who had somehow ended up on his ass.

Of course, just when your humanitarian side is feelin' him, he tries to sneak in a late punch after each round.

What is going to happen to him, I wonder....

~bear rocks the planet~

My friend, Parker, is here for a visit. We have closed the doors to non-performing visitors so those who plan to stay the night should also plan to:

*cook
*clean
*strip their own bed
*watch Rio while I bathe
*watching me bathe is extra....

Parker is amazing. She is helping Bear organize his new office space. We both got booted for the nursery. Mare helped me with mine so now Bear will be set, too. Additionally, our offices are now 3 floors apart so we might actually get something done although I do pine for the good old days of, "I'm sending you this link. Check out this guy's hair!", but we'll live.

Why does Bear rock today? After having me pretty much yell at him for 2 days straight, he decided I need some sleep. We ordered out - pizza - and then he sent me to bed. At 7:45. I was down and out by 8pm. Until the 3am feeding. Seven hours of pretty much uninterrupted sleep. I feel so good right now. I just cleaned the kitchen, put away 2 baskets of laundry, decided what needs to be ironed and then sighed cuz it will never GET ironed, and I'm in front of my computer ready to tackle digital picture organization. I'm going to group, burn to disc and then make a copy of each photo to keep with the discs. Don't you wish you had more pictures of yourself as a child? Our child will grow to know her parents are insane shutter bugs ;)

:: it's amazing what one can tolerate ::

...and for a change I am not talking about my mother...

I talked to BabyBrother today. He still hasn't seen Rio. I'm not sure what's up with that, but I'm sure it is something that could use professional help sorting. *sigh* Anyway. He mentioned that he had finally purchased a new television. I know he watches a ton because he has tinitus and can't bear silence. I asked him why finally and he said:

I've been losing a line of pixels like every other day for months. Last night I was watching a movie I hadn't seen and realized that all heads were completely gone. It freaked me out a little so I got a new tv today.

He's an odd duck, that one.


:: back to work ::

For all of us. Did you go visit MOT yet? This is the last (maybe) unsolicited plug. I saw her today with her man and little men so they're on the brain. I am going to visit this week with my nugget because MOT already knows I'm nuts so if I get stressed out and have to leave after 15 minutes for some bizarre reason she will understand...

Ah, 400 pictures beckon....

::somebody's dad ::





Crazy thing is...I knew exactly what he was doing when I saw the second shot!! Nut...

OH MY GOSH!**

While I was sitting here reading blogs my right breast leaked a drop of milk! I have extra!!!! I have enough that my body doesn't feel the need to hoard! I told you that gush/firehose thing would work out...

And yes, I am naked.

**in an attempt to offset the high content of swear words in my everyday banter, I've decided not to say 'God' anymore. Of course, motherfucker, cocksucker, asswipe, dickhead, et al will continue to color my days and nights....**

...it's been one month since you looked at me...

and then they whipped you out of the room....

Today, the story of Rio and Nita's big day. It might be long, it might bore you, but there might be a boobie picture at the end.

I can't believe you just went straight to the end......

:)

At 12:34 in the early morning of July 2nd I got up to go to the bathroom for the 47th time that day. Pregnancy doesn't leave much room for discussion or extra fluids. I smiled at the clock because I like 1234 o'clock. Not so much 2:34, or even 4:56, although 3:33 makes me smile, too. ???

I tinkled and at the end of that exercise - an extra 'whoosh' from not the peepee place. 'Uh oh' was my only thought.

I got back into bed having read that A. only 15% of women have their water break before pregnancy and B. if you're standing up when the unlikely event happens the head of the baby will stop the flow of liquid. Upon lying down, I realized this was true. Fluid started to pulse out of me at a disconcerting rate.

me: Motherfucker.
bear: Yes dear?

So I called the doc's office, as I'd been prepped. He called right back. Don't go to the hospital until your contractions are 5 minutes apart, he said. They won't feed you, you cannot drink and you become one of those women walking the halls.

bear: Oo, ask him something for me.
me: Ok, doc. Thanks. Hold on a second...
bear: Ask him if I should go back to sleep.
me: He says you're a fucking moron and sleep won't help that.

Pretty quickly they started being regular. There is a ton of silliness with Bear but I'll have to hit the high points.

me: Did you time that one?
bear: Time it? No! You really need to tell me when they start.
me: ??? Ok, dickhead, when I gasp and pant and look like someone has kicked me in the box - IT HAS STARTED.
bear: Ok, fiiiine.

I had to get up and pack my bag because I hadn't done so already. That kind of sucked because you have to know who is not a great big help when it comes to packing....



*hey, if he's going to take 47 stupid pictures of himself making idiotic faces, I feel compelled to publish at least one*

We headed for the hospital and already the contractions were coming harder and faster. Bear dropped me at the emergency door and the nice giant man took me right to the check in while Bear parked. I was pacing back and forth, giving information and having contractions now just shy of 4 minutes apart. Bear rushed in and collapsed in the wheelchair that had been provided for my comfort.

Upstairs. Contractions are getting pretty intense. Bear calls Mare. Mare is my best friend who was slated to be in the birthing room (?!) with us. Mostly in case Bear fainted. Also, if I needed anything and he was on one of his little mental vacations... So, Mare and Mighty live in Vermont but that night they happened to be in NYC, having dinner after Mighty had a gig. They headed right for the hospital. Of course, they had to bribe the garage guy to get their car out, but that's another story altogether...

A nice nurse tries 3 times to start an IV. She says she never ever doesn't get a vein after the 2nd try. After her unprecedented unsuccessful, yet painful, third try she went to get an old school nurse who had me all IV'ed up in 30 seconds AND gpt blood from the other arm. She rocked. And she was a little scary. We discussed pain options. I say I already had plenty. She silently recommended an epidural. It was 3am, contractions were 3 minutes apart and I was 6 centimeters dilated already.

Bring on the man with the needle, I scream.

He was tied up in surgery. When he got there my contractions were 2 minutes apart and I wondered how/why in the hell women do this with no meds. I'm relatively tough. I played field hockey and rugby. I have broken bones. I have been tough through pain. This sets a new record for 'holyfuckingshitthishurtslikehell'.

Dr Happygas arrives. He is hot. Really hot. Africa hot. He looked me in the eye and said:

This is going to hurt. Quite a lot. I will be inserting a needle into your spine. I can't do it between contractions so you're going to have to hold still through them. It is very important that you do.not.move.

Fabulous. So I'm draped over Nurse Cannotfindavein. I held absolutely still while he shoved a needle into my spinal cord while I had 2 contractions. Marion and Mighty had arrived from NYC. She is a DJ who is on after Howard Stern. She said I sounded like Taylor Rain, who is a loud porn star to whom Blogger won't let me post a link!! That is not why Rio's middle name is Taylor, although it's a little funny....So, Dr Happygas got the epidural in and tild me it wouldn't be long until I felt some relief. I am in ungodly agony so this is good news.

dh: How tall are you?
me: I'm lying down, right? I'm 5'9".
bear: Hon, he's trying to calculate your dosage. Quit lying.

The magic juice kicked in and I am happy once again. I offered to kiss DH for his obvious genius and the great need for him on the planet, but he politely tells me it was nothing. I laid around and waited to dilate.

At 11:30 my fabulous doctor came in to check on me. He's been in surgery and he seemed a little tense.

me: Hi doc. How are you? Well rested? You can lay down with me if you need a break before we get rolling here.
doc: No, I'm fine. Just got out of surgery.
me: How was it?
doc: Weird.
me: Weird? Weird? What's weird?
doc: Ovarian cyst but with hair and teeth. *shakes head* Weird.

Yeah, so....I'll skip a bunch of parts here in the interest of brevity....

Push, push, push. Three groups of 3. Rio's vitals were all over the place but that didn't seem to worry anyone. Yet. When her head started to appear he told me he's going to put a monitor on it. Fine with me, I gasp.

Here's where it gets all kinds of funky. The monitor goes on and the room just changes somehow. Another not so hot anesthesiologist comes and and starts asking me questions about smoking, drinking and false teeth. WTF? The nurses shoo him a bit and I ask them if he's got a friggin' quota or something. Then I look to the right and there are 2 nurses from NICU and the NICU doctor with a special table. I know something's up but no one is talking.

nurse on left leg: Push, you're doing great.
me: No I'm not. Something's wrong. I can't push.
nurse on right leg: You're doing great. One more big one
me: *crying now* You're lying. What's happening? I'm not pushiiiiinnnnngggggg......

Doc pops a vacuum on her head, orders me to push and on the 4th set of 3 pushes, she is out.

I wait to hear her cry. Nothing. I look at her little body. Blue and still. Then, the littlest peep from my nugget. They show her to me and whip the special table out of the room. I order Bear to stay with the baby. Certain things you don't want to lose.

***

Something was up. After the monitor was placed on her head it became apparent that she was in real distress. When I looked around at all the extra people and then looked back at my 'team', they had splash shields on and not so relaxed faces. They got her out quickly, and naturally. There was blood absolutely everywhere. All the machines were covered, as was the floor, my bed and the trail of the wheels from the cart that had just spirited my infant away from me.

I can't wait to get the whole story from my doctor.

Rio was whisked away and Bear took her picture in the NICU so I could see what she looked like.



"Here's your baby," he said.
I cried.

stay tuned for scenes from NeoNatal Intensive Care....right now I'm just going to go watch her breath....

~sometimes Blogger makes me crazy AND an informal poll~

I had to delete 17 copies of the next post. Individually. Evidently, Blogger found it so fascinating it felt compelled to publish it over and over and over...

JenB made a terribly witty comment that is lost forever.....

And now for the poll:

Do you follow the links in a post? Lemme know cuz I certainly don't want to bog you down with minutiae....

I've made a decision

I'm not going to pump anymore. I'm going to wait for the milk to come spraying out of me like a firehose. I'll let you know how it goes....

:: the gift that keeps on giving ::

bear to uncle cracker: Yeah, so, you know Nita's unconventional, right? She didn't want jewelry or a fur coat as a traditional 'wife just had a baby' present. She wants a trainer to come to the house. So, I just hired a ripped black man to come and hang out with my wife in our basement twice a week......

My man rocks! I am meeting Marvin tomorrow. I'll see if he lets me take a picture...

:: on the boobie front ::

Still not working that well. My nipples hurt from their tender tips right back to my shoulder blades. I'm trying to hard to make this work but I'm definitely getting discouraged. Ugh.

If I could figure out how to load a movie onto here I'd film the milking process just for shits and giggles. You would not believe this machine and what it does to my body. Well, jenandtonic.ca would, but she's evidently some sort of saint!

Over and out.

that's why they're funbags, not functional bags....

I am so frustrated that I'm not even pissy about it anymore. I am taking the drug AND the herbal supplement to make milk spring forth from my breasts. I am pumping with alarming frequency, to the point where my nipples are sore all the way back to my shoulder blades. I am gathering these breast milk droplets like a shipwrecked sailor gathers fresh water from jungle foliage. All this and my child prefers a bottle.

Luckily, she is perfect and lovely and evidently she would be awake EVEN MORE OFTEN if solely breastfed. And now, it's off to bed until 6 when Bear will be getting up to get ready for work. One of the guys told him that work would suddenly become very relaxing. He knows what he's talking about. I do love staying home with her, though. A whole new world that is different and amazing every day. All that and she doesn't really have cognitive powers yet! The best is yet to come.

I gotta get some rest. More photos tomorrow....

*sigh*

I got really good sleep last night after 'Librarian BJ', enough said. I slept for more than 6 hours. I've eaten as much as a Marine for the last few days - if that means a lot and tons of protein - and downed enough water to affect precipitation levels worldwide.

And then I pumped less than 1/4 ounce of breast milk.

I start the big gun meds today. We'll see how this works out. I am demoralized and ever so slightly missing my old gigantic-crazyhuge-outofproportion breasts.

*sigh*

Borrowed from Mare

Last but not least
# Last Cigarette .. I quit with Bear about 4 years ago?!
# Last Alcoholic Drink .. Newcastle last night
# Last Good Cry ..holding Rio and listening to Bono's Kite knowing it was to a parent about the parent child relationship...
# Last Bad Cry .. 2 days ago because of mom
# Last Library Book .. Water Witches, overdue, still owe them 20 cents
# Last book bought .. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child (what is happening to me?!)
# Last Book Read .. Artemisia
# Last Movie Seen in Theatres .. pretty sure it was a silent moving picture...
# Last Movie Rented .. Stuck on You. Hilarious!
# Last Cuss Word Uttered .. cocksucker
# Last Beverage Drank .. water
# Last Food Consumed .. spicy scallop roll
# Last Crush .. Joshua Jackson of Dawson's Creek insanity
# Last Phone Call .. Breastfeeding Consultants
# Last TV Show Watched .. Last Comic Standing
# Last Time Showered .. uh, 2 days ago?
# Last Shoes Worn .. Nike Shox - good for dog kickin'
# Last CD Played .. U2 All That You Can't Leave Behind
# Last Item Bought .. awesome platform shoes
# Last Download .. don't download
# Last Annoyance .. getting attacked by the dog this morning
# Last Disappointment .. breast feeding/pumping
# Last Soda Drank .. Coke
# Last Thing Written .. thank you notes
# Last Key Used .. '.' ..
# Last Words Spoken .. is she sleeping?
# Last Sleep .. sleep? explain..
# Last Ice Cream Eaten .. Wentworth's Mint Chocolate Chip
# Last Chair Sat .. my special corduroy chair for pumping
# Last Webpage Visited .. Google for 'kite' lyrics


Rio's 3 week check-up went famously. She's gaining weight and growing and having lots of alert time so I think she's learning new things. She recognizes my voice and Bear's voice and gets a little plumper every day. She's filling in her skin so she is looking more like a baby and less like a plucked chicken ;)

I really like being her mom.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

My body is a wonderland...

...as in, I wonder what the hell is going to happen next.

The lactation appointment was a superlative experience of support. The woman remarked on my great instincts with Rio, my ability to calm her, and how my common sense approach should benefit us both. Bravo. The whole BFAR (breast feeding after reduction) issue could have its own blog so I don't wish to labor the point. Let it suffice to say I have a plan and I'm hooked up to a milking machine for a good chunk of the day.

::last night::

me: Honey, could you help me with pumping one breast while Rio is crashed out here?

bear: Um, ok, I guess it could be sexy.

Always thinking, that man of mine.

My mom face must be a little bit scary

As I was pulling into the parking lot of the breastfeeding support place, I had a little incident. First of all, I was all keyed up because Mapquest gave me the most shitass directions on earth so I was driving around in circles just trying to find the place and be only mildly late. It suggested the wrong way down a one way street. Always fucking handy.

I get into the parking lot and some woman in a giant Ford Expedition comes whipping backwards out of one spot so she can get her fat ass closer to the building by parking one row closer. I frantically try to get the car into reverse, succeed in finding Park, and lay on my horn. She stopped approximately 3 centimeters (if that is a small amount of distance) from the front of my car. Then she reparked and sat in her car. I glowered at her and parked under the shade of some trees. I kept looking at her sitting in her car while I was getting Rio out of her fucking-a-impossible-to-negotiate carseat. Still she sits. I was waiting to shout something about just cuz she drives a tank doesn't mean she can drive over people. Well, evidently my ire was sparking off my head because she locked her doors and sat in her car like she was afraid to get out. Good instinct. Idiot.

Bear asked what I would have done if she'd hit me. "Beat her up" was my response. "Nice" was his....

WTF?

Yeah, I'm still up. Actually, I don't sleep at all anymore and I'm pretty sure I'm bitchy....

Here is a picture of Jack, Hobbes right behind him, trying to get to Rio so he can lick her mouth. That child will have the immune system of the century.




is it just me....

Or is this child sooooooo delicious? Ok, I have to go bathe her. No pee this time, just going to see doctors tomorrow and I don't need any judgemental sniffs just cuz she's covered in milk and formula. Maybe I'm not the messy feeder, you ever think of that?

Yeah, I could use some shut-eye....

*sigh*

Tomorrow morning I'm going to see a lactation consultant. I had a breast reduction about 9 years ago. It was far and away the best thing I have ever done. I feel great and, at 39, have no real use for bras unless they add a decorative element.

I was big. Big like you read about. Big as in when I went to a club people thought I was a stripper. Big as in when I lived in Florida a man approached me to be in a David Lee Roth video. Big as in women stared and made catty comments. Big.

(final consultation with my plastic surgeon who is accompanied, with my permission, by Doogie Houser, boy doctor in training.)

doc: Here is where we make the incision. I will try to preserve as much of the gland work so you will be able to breast feed, if you choose.

me: Hell, doc, I don't really care if you lose a nipple in the OR and only put one back on. Make. These. A. LOT. Smaller.

doc: Har har har. (Begins to share info with Doogie.) This is the blah blah and we'll be doing blah blah. (He has one of my breasts in his hand and is gesturing with a pointer thing while the youngster makes a serious face and sagely nods his head.)

me: (tiring of invisibility) Ah, wouldn't you guys be more comfortable doing this in the back of a car somewhere?

The poor boy turned purple and I was just happy to be in the company of qualified medical help if he should go down. After that - zero eye contact and he maintained his blush. I knew his type. All clean cut and preppy and when he gets loaded on Heineken at the frat house his type walks up to girls like me and offers to 'buy the boys a drink.' Yeah, take that.

Really quickly...

cuz the nugget is asleep on my chest :)

big bath. i did a great job, if you ask me........ plus she no longer smells like pee..... anyone know how often you're supposed to bathe a baby, cuz my mother is insisting she bathed us twice a day? well, i'm good and dirty now :)



and i'm not sure if she likes her 'symphony in motion'...... the bugs are a little strange but it was highly recommended.

I wish I had more friends in France

Because it would be okay to call them right now, being 9 am and all that :)

We did it. Well, at least tonight we did. For Rio's 1:30 feeding I 'put her to breast' as I always do. But tonight - magic. She was on one side for 30 whole productive lip smacking swallowing minutes and 10 on the other. Still took 40ml of formula (sad mom face here) but it was huge progress. Is it possible that she's only just a week old today?! She's so fricken brilliant already.

Ok, looks like I can get 2 hours sleep if I'm quick about it.

Hard to explain all the issues this breast feeding has brought up. Let it suffice to say I'm incredibly ecstatic and had to tell SOMEONE!!!

BUSTING OUT



Typing with the wee one asleep in my lap so this'll be quick.

She was 19 days early. Little immature, some probs with O2 saturation levels so .... they kept her in NICU. Wonderful nurses. I was there pretty much 24/7, feeding, changing, holding her. Had to make the call to suppliment with formula. She's simply too young too nurse and with my breast reduction...well, we're working it all out. I'm pumping and feeding and bottling and not sleeping at all. AND I don't much care. I'm on fire. I feel like I could go like this for years.....but I did get a good sleep the other night which helps.

wait...this just in....



Bear likes it when she lies like this. Says she looks like she's operating an old fashioned radio...whaddaya think?!

So, we're all great. I'm tired, have actually yelled at my husband, then had a meltdown, now we're both feeling better. Lots to learn. The time in NICU was actually great cuz I got to know the nurses and docs and I got LOADS of insight and advice. I can't explain how it feels, my heart has blown open and I love this one week old bundle of joy like crazy. Bear and I have new-found appreciation for one another, too. Lots to be thankful for, and I am.

but feel free to hate me now....

Uh, yeah. So my peasant stock (halfish straight up wasp, halfish mexican) really rose to the occasion. Despite my 'advanced maternal age' my pregnancy was a snap. Sick for 5 months but not too...gained 20 pounds and have lost 18!!! And no stretch marks. And I pushed for *one hour* and then had the bundle of joy.

Scary story about the actual birth but that will have to wait. Almost time for the chitlin to be awakened for her 8 am snicky-snack.

Wowza.

IT'S A GIRL!!!!!!!!
Rio was born at 1:31 PM on Friday, July 2nd. We're all really tired but really, really happy...

More pics on the way - stay tuned!



Nita and Rio 

uh, yeah....

The baby's room isn't quite finished. I haven't packed everything that goes in my bag. My roots could use doing. The house is kind of a wreck and at 12:34 my water broke.

me: Motherfucker!
bear: Yes??????

So, you may not hear from us for a bit but I should have good news then....

Single White Female

Bond Girl has inspired me to post about something completely non pregnancy related. Evil Roommates.

I had to have had the WORST run of luck with roommates ever. Here are a few high/low lights....

Leslie
I was living in Providence and she and I worked in the same bar. She needed a place on the fly (duh! warning! warning! don't forget to ask why she's getting booted from her best friend's place!) so I let her move into my very cool 2 bedroom place. Right from the start I noticed she drank a LOT more than I realized and did a LOT more drugs that I knew the names of and had a LOT more legal problems than anyone else and slept with a LOT more strangers than seemed prudent....you get the picture. Well, the coup de grace came at about 3 am one night when I'm lying in bed with my giant (and chickenshit) body builder boyfriend and we hear Leslie coming up the stairs. Loud. Drunk. And with a man in tow. Clear as a bell I hear her say:

"I don't have any blow but my roomie usually has some laying around."

WHAT?

So I throw on a shirt, chickenshit boyfriend refusing to get up, and go out into the kitchen where Leslie is bent over in front of the refridgerator and a COP IN UNIFORM IS BENT OVER BEHIND HER. I am incredulous! So the conversation goes like this:

me: What the fuck is going on here?

(Leslie keeps her head in the fridge, all wrapped up in the task of trying to get a beer out of the six pack holder.)

cop: Uh, I was just making sure she got home alright.

me: Reaaaalllly Officer Friendly. Well, I can't help but notice that you have allowed my obviously drunken roommate here to pilot her unregistered car home, drunk, and I'm fairly certain her license is STILL suspended, yes? Where exactly did you two meet up, ( I peer at his badge number and name plate) Officer Dumbass?

cop: Yeah, I was just leaving.

me: That's what I thought, shithead.

That was the last straw. The next day when she went to work I had the locks changed and brought a bag of clothing and toiletries down to the club for her and booted her ass. Here's where it gets interesting....

Things I never wanted to know about Leslie that I learned whilst searching for her work clothes.

Her room was always pretty neat. I opened the walk-in closet and it was literally to the ceiling piled with clothes, porn and sex toys. Packed like a crazy person had packed it. THEN I found out where all the knives in the house had gone, they were in her drawers and under her bed. One of said drawers was chock full of men's underwear. All different sorts, apparently all worn. What a head case.

Years later I was in Palm Beach lunching with my grandparents and she was waitressing at the place.

She did a double take and headed for our table.

L: Hiiiiii!

me: I'll have a coke, thank you.

L: Don't you recognize me?

me: Who could forget? You're not our server, are you?

L: It's so great to see you! You look greaaaaaat! What are you up to?

me: Having lunch. Gram, would you like iced tea?

After she finally left the table I told my grandparents we were leaving after the drink. She's that fucking bananas.

Her replacement, Tricia.

I figured Tricia would be a safe bet seeing that she was dating the brother of my big dumb BF. Wrongo! She was a drunk slut as well. Yippee.

For some reason my friends all think I'm some sort of medical genius because I'm ever so slightly on THE SAFE SIDE... so she comes into my bedroom in the middle of the night. I'm up, by the way, because she is screaming at the top of her lungs. Really belting it out. Ridiculous, really. I'm no prude, but she sounded like she was being murdered. Anyway, she comes into my room:

T: Are you awake?

me: Are you fucking kidding me?!

T: Robert (who we work with!!!) just stuck it up my ass by mistake.

me: (after a long pause) And what, you want me to say something to him?!

T: No, but you could you just check it out to make sure I'm ok down there?

me: Ah, no.


Another of her habits was multiple partners that evidently had more appeal if they were complete strangers. So.....my mother is visiting. I am on the couch and mom is in my room. Tricia, who I begged for a 2 night reprieve, brings home 2 giant strangers, as unlikely as this may seem, one black and one red headed dude. Let the games begin. Three voices can be heard. Loudly.

I'm laying on the couch in those weird hysterical giggles waiting for my mother to be awakened. Sure enough, she comes out of my bedroom with her suitcase and informs me we're going to a hotel. Funny stuff.

Jamie

Name changed to protect those who can be googled.....

She was a well known ski racer. We were all at my place and she was crying about what an asshole her BF was and how she had to get out. All of the sudden everyone looks at me with the 'you've got a 2 bedroom place, how about here?' look and I know I'm sunk again. This time I am smart. This time I set boundaries. No rent and she had to be out in 6 weeks. Fair, right?

Ok, she wore my clothes. She never took a message, not once. She was a pig. She flooded the toilet by flushing fucking PADS. Who the hell is that stupid? She was a complete nightmare. Her coup de grace? I had to get out of town for a few days before I killed her. I got a phone call about the fabulous party she had the minute I left the house. When I got back 3 days later she was sitting at the kitchen table in what had previously been a gorgeous place to live. It was trashed like high-schoolers had been there. Turns out, they had. She was sitting there smoking a cigarette and flicking the ashes into my great-grandmother's mother fucking sugar bowl!!!! and she said:

J: Hey! How was your weekend?

me: J, if you don't get your ass and your shit out of here in 3 hours I will throw you out the window and burn your belongings.

J: Cool.

There are at least 10 other people this bad but I have to cook dinner for Bear. Chicken Parmigiana ;) I love my home.

Um, I'm feeling a little better....

But thanks for the good words :)

Early morning business trips after further funk (sorry BS)

Bear had to get up at 4:30 to leave for a day trip so of course we were up til 10 or so wearing out the sheets. After we were done I started cracking up. "We really are freaks, you know" I said. "I suspected as much," was his reply. Anyway.... He really should just go the night before and get away from his wife like everyone else does, but he'd rather sleep with us. Yea! Additionally, it was no problem to get him up and on the road on time SEEING THAT I'VE BEEN UP SINCE 2 AM. Another banner day for expectancy. I did manage to:
-pack him a snack bag for the trip
-repackage the pasta salad I made last night
-clean my salondry* room
-iron 5 shirts
-do 2 loads of laundry
-watch an EXCELLENT X-Files and I caught the highly recommended 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force' cartoon. Truly bizarre but I suspect I'm hooked. Oh bother, as Pooh would say....

So at least I was productive wandering about the house AND I did get a little nap after Bear departed this morning. Jack woke me up doing the cutest little yip barks in his sleep. He would be so embarrassed!

Remind me to brag about my god-daughter later

She is a pillar of strength with an extraordinaryly low give-a-shit-level and when I grow up, I want to be just like her. More to follow....

I lost a post...

If you've seen it, please help it finds its way home.

Closer...

I've been reading some excellent blogs lately. There are a lot of talented MFs out there, you know who you are. I am inspired to set up my links, at long last. But first, a nap.

The babe has dropped another 4 centimeters...

But that doesn't really mean anything. And they can't do anything about my pinched nerve in my foot til after I have the baby. And I can expect to keep sleeping horribly. And there is no way to tell when I'll be attempting the Herculean task of passing the child through what promises to be an inadequately wide passage.....I feel like crap and I'm so sick of hearing myself whine that I could just puke. Yeah.

That's all I got...

Tonight when Bear gets home we'll put the crib together, together. I've decided I want a giant fuzzy white rug in the nursery despite the fact that it may be one of my stupider calls. It's what I want. Today, anyway.

I'm starting to get nervous as hell about the impending arrival. I've always been super independent and self sufficient. My life has changed soooo much these past few years. I never thought I'd get married and certain didn't want to have children alone so now I'm this married soon to be mother and I don't really have a game plan for that. I'm the girl who can talk her way into sold out concerts and then get backstage. I've moved to another part of the country because the weather has been bad for weeks where I was living. I have ridden unconventional and borderline unstable to great heights and have had more fun than one person should be allowed.

And now, I don't really know what to think of myself. This isn't a big crisis. I'm here cuz I'm ready to be here. I'm an excellent wife and I love the skin off my husband. I believe we have what it will take to still be laughing together in old age. He is everything I never knew to wish for. The whole child thing is what is getting me today.

What if I am a complete embarrassment to the child?

What if s/he is really weird and hates school and becomes a target for bullies?

What if s/he rebels and joins the Republican party and believes that the disenfranchised are a bunch of whiners?

What if I'm a terrible mother because I have no real role model....

Let's just chalk this all up to hormones....

Busy busy

I'm on the way to get felt up by the doc. Well, that's probably not the technical term for what we'll be doing....so I have to shower.

Great post

I'll link to it later and expand.....

Superpowers

I read 2 complete books this morning and don't feel the lesser for all the skipped words.

I'm ready

My fingers are incredibly painfully swollen every morning, I'm wretchedly uncomfortable, I have a pinched nerve in my heel which kills, today I was nauseous for hours and I have no energy and no ability to sleep. Um, is the last stage of pregnancy supposed to feel like Hell on earth?!

The pictures were so popular....

Here is one of me last May being a birthcoach for my pal MC and baby O. I'd been up for 40 or so hours and hardly noticed. I sucked the stuff out of his nose when he was born, helped to wipe off all the goo, held him for MC so she could kiss him, gave him his first bath, changed his diapers and swaddled him while MC recovered from the birth. He roomed in and I stayed with them for days. It was wonderous and beautiful and I had no idea at that time that I would be embarking on the same mission. She's been more of a help than she'll ever know. And that boy is one fine toddler today, let me tell you. Adorable, funny, infectious laugh and in my unbiased opinion, he should be on billboards or baby food jars somewhere..... I miss them loads.

y'all want this party started riiiiiight?

Bear said, "Post some damned pictures today. You know how bored I get at work." I probably shouldn't tell you that he works in the development of security systems, right? I mean, the image of Homer flipping the plutonium core over his shoulder just jumps to mind, eh?! So, for Bear, here are some pictures.

Daytona Bitch
With my gram and I'm just 8 months pregnant here. Hated maternity bathing suits and figured, "What the hell? Might as well start embarrassing our progeny early....."



I sure as hell look pregnant now, huh?

I am almost 9 months here. I got up to cook breakfast for Bear and he decided to keep himself amused by taking loads of pictures. And laughing. A lot. Dick.



After a couple of dozen pics this is what I was feeling...



I feel like I should explain my outfit.....I can't stand to be clothed most of the time. I throw on whatever cuz I haven't hung curtains in the kitchen and I'm sick of the letters of protest from the neighbors. Maybe they should put away the binoculars.... So, Bear wanted breakfast and I threw this get up on and hit the kitchen. As if I needed a reminder that my brain is shot....

Birthday Bear

Here is himself, sprawled on the furniture at his mom's house. She always makes your favorite dinner for you on your birthday. She's really good at making you feel *special*.



Just a favorite of mine...

We were goofing around on the ferry. He had just done one of his super silly looks and was laughing it off when I caught this one. He is a smiley guy and his smile makes me smile and my smile makes him smile and, well, you get the whole stupid message, right?!




The Pillow Experiment

In an effort to keep Jack and Hobbes off the furniture I spread the pillows out everywhere to dissuade them from lying about. Fat lot of good that did, as you can see.



Last but not least - Hooters Hobbes!

Hobbes like to dress up. If I wasn't so lazy/tired/hormonally imbalanced I could take a picture of him every day. Yesterday he had on a yenta necklace that my mother gave me. Weird gold loops with giant carnelians in the center of each. Probably cost a fortune and I let Hobbes wear it :) Anyway, I took off my t-shirt one morning and he put his head under it so I let him wear it. He wore it ALL.DAY.LONG. and was still wearing it when Bear got home from work. I think he's got it going on over at least half the Hooters' girls, yes? And he DOES have a great personality, too....

tonight's the night...

Is it just me or is Rod Stewart fabulous? Ok, it's just me. One of the many oddities of me is my musical taste. I run the COMPLETE gamut from top 40 (I could beat BaBaBooie) to chic music to Billie Holiday to grunge to classical to southern rock to 70's shlock. People who don't know me well or long form an opinion about how sophisticated I must be in every aspect of my life and then they are all shocked that I'm killing myself to get tickets for the upcoming Cyndi Lauper show.....but I digress.

Tonight's the night I'm going to post pictures. Pictures of the unbelievably awesome window treatments I made with my friend Orra. Pictures of my belly in all its glory on Daytona Beach. One of my favorite sexy pictures of Bear. Maybe even the picture of Mare and me on the bar at Hogs and Heffers, bras in hand. Maybe not that one. But definitely the others.

Home Cheapo

Not mine. Greg dropped that while he was here. He's taking my man on a run there so he can build in the bookcases around the giant TV and build the giant TV into the wall so our basement fun room can be MTV Cribs ready. It is close ;)

That said...

My brother just called to know "exactly what we're doing RIGHT THIS MINUTE and do we want to have lunch with him and the boy?!" He's sooooo fucking wired, that kid. And he's nearing a month late to lend a hand with the pre-babe projects, but anyway.... No lunch. We're headed to the shoe repair place because all of the sudden my man is into the goofy shoes I've been buying him for years. Maybe you'll get a picture of his newest shoes - Prada-esque bowling shoes. So perfect on him. He's slowly but surely allowing me to update his wardrobe from 1985.....

i wish i could remember who i sent the link to my blog to cuz i have a
lot of disgusting stories to share...

Yeah, so, last year I sent the link to bunches of people and now I kind of sort of wonder who's lurking. And then I think, "Who gives a fat rat's ass?!"

That said, Bear and I are complete freaks of nature. We had some toe curling (AND flexing), goosebump raising, disturbing the dogs lovemaking first thing this morning. Absolutely fabulous. I am truly blessed. Of course, face down helps us both overlook certain 'conditions'.....

i'm waaaaay behind on email

So if I owe you a reply, just know it's on my mind and I'll get there sooooon.

symptomatic

*swollen fingers
*swollen feet
*the odd sensation of something headbutting me from inside my vagina
*uncontrollable crying
*fascination with the color of my nipples
*dreams of babies and drug dealing philanthropist art collectors and other weird dreams

must be getting close to time.

Daytona Beach and how I rocked it

I finally downloaded vaca pics of me 8 months pregnant and all bikini'd up. I'll upload later cuz one certain deep woods animal is bugging the shit out of me right now to go do his fool's errands....

Na na na na nana, you say it's your birthday....

Happy Birthday to the Bear. Thirty eight today. A round of applause.....

Me and the boys got him a few little giftie-nifties and I'm waiting for the big one to be delivered. My timing is so far off with this pregnancy. I can't remember a damned thing. One of the joys ;)

I'm loving Circuit City

Bear did purchase a zillion dollars worth of TV equipment in anticipation of always being broke once we have a chitlin. There were a bunch of rebates and gift cards and whatnot. I FINALLY sat down this morning to fill them all out and send them in only to discover most of the deadlines had passed. For $5 bucks, no problem. For over $500, I called the rebate center. A very nice boy (sounded like a boy) changed some stuff around so I can submit them and then, then he said, "Ciao!" when hanging up. How absolutely adorable! Not to mention we're getting a bunch of gift cards and cash back rebates....life is good.

American Red Cross and their superior follow up workers

I finally convinced Bear to give blood. I've secretly signed him up for organ donorship, as well, but that's another story.....

So, we gave blood. The last time I gave blood I was actually blissfully unaware of my pregnant status! So, they call to schedule for a follow up appointment...the call and call until they actually get some blood out of you. The last guy who called looking for me who talked to Bear learned I am expecting.

blood dude: Really? Congratulations! When is she expecting?
bear: Mid to late July.
blood dude: (pause) Ok, can I sign her up for November?

I mean, really! But I do admire their perseverance.

still no BB

It is getting to the awkward phase of we haven't talked in so long. I think about calling him but I'm still a bit peeved and hate to call just to say I didn't really want to call, know what I mean?

things are shaping up around here

Nursery is painted. Awaiting furniture.
Measuring has been done for the downstairs media project. Believe it or not, that is good news.
House is getting recognizable as a clean house. That is good news, too.
We still don't have names FOR CERTAIN, but we're not worried about it. Stupid, but good, yes?

I've been reading my favorite blogs and I'll be posting soon. I have a couple of high priority things around here and then I'll dive into making my blog a more enjoyable place. Thanks for stopping by, know that pictures are imminent, and my exhaustion has made me so fucking boring I can hardly stand myself ...

O.K., I (Bear) can't take it anymore...

I've been waiting for an update on this blog but I'm getting old too fast, so here goes...

The Honda Element, you know - that box of a dorkmobile that you see cruising around suburbia, has been researched for almost a year now by scientists at Lawrence Livermore National Labs. You see, it's called the Element because Honda engineers stumbled across this unique compound that they were able to isolate, reproduce under controlled conditions, and then extrude into steel-like blanks, from which the appropriate car parts were manufactured. The scientists realized that this was a new, basic element that needed to be classified and incorporated into the Periodic Table of Elements, so they got to work. It seems, amazingly, that this new element can only be used to construct Honda's new dorkmobile. Based on this remarkable conclusion, they named the new element: St, for STUPIDIUM.

So, it's a bad joke...whatever.

Have you ever been driving down the highway behind somebody who has left their blinker on? You know - they use it to merge when they get on, but there wasn't enough of a turn of the wheel to self-cancel, so it doesn't click off and they are distracted enough that they don't notice. Do you say "What an idiot!" and secretly hate them for being so stupid? And then quickly glance down to make sure that your blinker isn't blinking?

Yeah, me neither...

As you can probably tell, I drive a lot. Too much, actually.

can we all say 'overscheduled'?!

Mykal is here painting. I could just about kiss him! He is fast, clean, friendly and my doggers are madly in love with him. We picked a color and my friend Orra made some perfect curtains and valences so I'll post a picture when we get the room put together. It is starting to feel official, which is good since on Wednesday I'll be 36 weeks pregnant....

brand new symptoms

I have a tearing/pushing pressure in my pelvis area. Supposedly normal. Great.

Peeing, sorry, is back to the number 1 priority of the day. About 42 times a day to be exact. AND all through the night. Fun. I'm on the phone with the doctor's office right now because all of the sudden I have a zillion questions about delivery and why my heel hurts and is swelling really an indicator and should we stop shtupping or what?!

I haven't finished reading all the books I had wanted to and I'm starting to feel really freaked out about a million things. Bear is great at helping me keep my head on straight but he IS gone all day and my thoughts do race....

shopping should help

So my MIL just called and she had a cancellation so we're going to hit BabiesRUs and finish the registry. I just updated what I think we'll really need without getting all commercialized so the list is short and manageable. Yeah, right. But we really don't want to have 8 million pieces of plastic and every gadget known to mankind. I'd like to think I'll be entertaining enough on my own :) See, I am obviously delusional.

crazy family update

I am really liking how my relationship with my father is developing. For those who've fallen behind-I didn't meet him til I was 30! There's a LOT to tell, but now right now.... My sister (same aforementioned father and his second wife...) is doing summer school and I so miss her tons. Wisconsin is too far away. My mother and I had a brawl and she did the usual - didn't call for a week and then called all like nothing was wrong. Nice coping tool, eh?! AND my brother blew me off last weekend for the second week in a row and hasn't even called this week. I'm ever so slightly frustrated with him right now. Oh, and my feelings are terribly hurt, as well....

really quickly...

I know I've been slacking...life is really speeding up around here. My friend Orra came for a few days and we found excellent material for curtains for all of our naked windows. Pictures will follow soooooon.

baby update
I had my 35 week appointment yesterday. The baby has dropped a solid 3 or 4 inches which evidently means it'll be a little sooner than anticipated. Sandra, my nurse friend, said that the dropping and swelling would seem to say, get ready!

THAT would be lovely. My feet look so grotesque I can't bear to glance upon them. I may look silly in my Ugg boots all the time, but I really don't give a fat rat's ass right about now. Seeing that so many things make me cry, not looking is the best I can do right now.

some guys are such weinies

Day 2 of trying to return stuff to Home Depot....we get in line and there is a man getting worship whiplash watching a moderately attractive blond woman in what appeared to be doll clothes leaving the Depot. He actually had his mouth open and was so obvious and creepy. I offered to hold his place in line if he needed to go outside so-as not to lose sight of her.

him: Huh?
me: Sure, you seemed entranced. Maybe you should go talk to her. It has been known to work.
him: Right, actually, my fiance is right about in the same condition you are.
me: So, you're just a jackass looking for an ass whooping?
him: Yeah, I guess so.

The great thing about Bear is he ogles with such respect for the human body. I know he's not immune to looking, I don't expect him to be. I love looking at beautiful bodies, too. Just try not to drool. Especially at Home Depot. It gets mixed with the sawdust and dirt and must be difficult to clean...

And now, I really must retire for my afternoon nap before my every sleeping moment is dictated by the baby Bear ;)

frosted ass

I had a therapist (my last one) who really helped me a lot. Not a lot of mumbo jumbo "let's taaaaaalk about it" bullshit, we did EMDR. Look it up if you're interested. Helped to put the trauma of my childhood out of my throat and in a more appropriate mental loop. Bah!

One thing this brilliant woman said was, "It's amazing to me that you have so much hope when it comes to the members of your family."

I was thinking of that today because I'm still pissed at my brother, BB. I mentioned that he blew me off again to go to Tennessee for- not a fool's errand, a complete jackass' errand! It occured to be that he always tells me that something's come up, but he obviously never says that to anyone else when he's promised ME he'd do something for/with me. My feelings are hurt. I'm pissed off. AND I can' really say anthing to him because he won't talk to me until he had another seizure and one of his friends will call. I love him more than anything but today I'm sad that it has to be this way.

No real point, just moving books/bookshelves/pictures/garbage and thinking it would be more fun with him around....