Borrowed from Mare

Last but not least
# Last Cigarette .. I quit with Bear about 4 years ago?!
# Last Alcoholic Drink .. Newcastle last night
# Last Good Cry ..holding Rio and listening to Bono's Kite knowing it was to a parent about the parent child relationship...
# Last Bad Cry .. 2 days ago because of mom
# Last Library Book .. Water Witches, overdue, still owe them 20 cents
# Last book bought .. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child (what is happening to me?!)
# Last Book Read .. Artemisia
# Last Movie Seen in Theatres .. pretty sure it was a silent moving picture...
# Last Movie Rented .. Stuck on You. Hilarious!
# Last Cuss Word Uttered .. cocksucker
# Last Beverage Drank .. water
# Last Food Consumed .. spicy scallop roll
# Last Crush .. Joshua Jackson of Dawson's Creek insanity
# Last Phone Call .. Breastfeeding Consultants
# Last TV Show Watched .. Last Comic Standing
# Last Time Showered .. uh, 2 days ago?
# Last Shoes Worn .. Nike Shox - good for dog kickin'
# Last CD Played .. U2 All That You Can't Leave Behind
# Last Item Bought .. awesome platform shoes
# Last Download .. don't download
# Last Annoyance .. getting attacked by the dog this morning
# Last Disappointment .. breast feeding/pumping
# Last Soda Drank .. Coke
# Last Thing Written .. thank you notes
# Last Key Used .. '.' ..
# Last Words Spoken .. is she sleeping?
# Last Sleep .. sleep? explain..
# Last Ice Cream Eaten .. Wentworth's Mint Chocolate Chip
# Last Chair Sat .. my special corduroy chair for pumping
# Last Webpage Visited .. Google for 'kite' lyrics


Rio's 3 week check-up went famously. She's gaining weight and growing and having lots of alert time so I think she's learning new things. She recognizes my voice and Bear's voice and gets a little plumper every day. She's filling in her skin so she is looking more like a baby and less like a plucked chicken ;)

I really like being her mom.

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My body is a wonderland...

...as in, I wonder what the hell is going to happen next.

The lactation appointment was a superlative experience of support. The woman remarked on my great instincts with Rio, my ability to calm her, and how my common sense approach should benefit us both. Bravo. The whole BFAR (breast feeding after reduction) issue could have its own blog so I don't wish to labor the point. Let it suffice to say I have a plan and I'm hooked up to a milking machine for a good chunk of the day.

::last night::

me: Honey, could you help me with pumping one breast while Rio is crashed out here?

bear: Um, ok, I guess it could be sexy.

Always thinking, that man of mine.

My mom face must be a little bit scary

As I was pulling into the parking lot of the breastfeeding support place, I had a little incident. First of all, I was all keyed up because Mapquest gave me the most shitass directions on earth so I was driving around in circles just trying to find the place and be only mildly late. It suggested the wrong way down a one way street. Always fucking handy.

I get into the parking lot and some woman in a giant Ford Expedition comes whipping backwards out of one spot so she can get her fat ass closer to the building by parking one row closer. I frantically try to get the car into reverse, succeed in finding Park, and lay on my horn. She stopped approximately 3 centimeters (if that is a small amount of distance) from the front of my car. Then she reparked and sat in her car. I glowered at her and parked under the shade of some trees. I kept looking at her sitting in her car while I was getting Rio out of her fucking-a-impossible-to-negotiate carseat. Still she sits. I was waiting to shout something about just cuz she drives a tank doesn't mean she can drive over people. Well, evidently my ire was sparking off my head because she locked her doors and sat in her car like she was afraid to get out. Good instinct. Idiot.

Bear asked what I would have done if she'd hit me. "Beat her up" was my response. "Nice" was his....

WTF?

Yeah, I'm still up. Actually, I don't sleep at all anymore and I'm pretty sure I'm bitchy....

Here is a picture of Jack, Hobbes right behind him, trying to get to Rio so he can lick her mouth. That child will have the immune system of the century.




is it just me....

Or is this child sooooooo delicious? Ok, I have to go bathe her. No pee this time, just going to see doctors tomorrow and I don't need any judgemental sniffs just cuz she's covered in milk and formula. Maybe I'm not the messy feeder, you ever think of that?

Yeah, I could use some shut-eye....

*sigh*

Tomorrow morning I'm going to see a lactation consultant. I had a breast reduction about 9 years ago. It was far and away the best thing I have ever done. I feel great and, at 39, have no real use for bras unless they add a decorative element.

I was big. Big like you read about. Big as in when I went to a club people thought I was a stripper. Big as in when I lived in Florida a man approached me to be in a David Lee Roth video. Big as in women stared and made catty comments. Big.

(final consultation with my plastic surgeon who is accompanied, with my permission, by Doogie Houser, boy doctor in training.)

doc: Here is where we make the incision. I will try to preserve as much of the gland work so you will be able to breast feed, if you choose.

me: Hell, doc, I don't really care if you lose a nipple in the OR and only put one back on. Make. These. A. LOT. Smaller.

doc: Har har har. (Begins to share info with Doogie.) This is the blah blah and we'll be doing blah blah. (He has one of my breasts in his hand and is gesturing with a pointer thing while the youngster makes a serious face and sagely nods his head.)

me: (tiring of invisibility) Ah, wouldn't you guys be more comfortable doing this in the back of a car somewhere?

The poor boy turned purple and I was just happy to be in the company of qualified medical help if he should go down. After that - zero eye contact and he maintained his blush. I knew his type. All clean cut and preppy and when he gets loaded on Heineken at the frat house his type walks up to girls like me and offers to 'buy the boys a drink.' Yeah, take that.

Really quickly...

cuz the nugget is asleep on my chest :)

big bath. i did a great job, if you ask me........ plus she no longer smells like pee..... anyone know how often you're supposed to bathe a baby, cuz my mother is insisting she bathed us twice a day? well, i'm good and dirty now :)



and i'm not sure if she likes her 'symphony in motion'...... the bugs are a little strange but it was highly recommended.

I wish I had more friends in France

Because it would be okay to call them right now, being 9 am and all that :)

We did it. Well, at least tonight we did. For Rio's 1:30 feeding I 'put her to breast' as I always do. But tonight - magic. She was on one side for 30 whole productive lip smacking swallowing minutes and 10 on the other. Still took 40ml of formula (sad mom face here) but it was huge progress. Is it possible that she's only just a week old today?! She's so fricken brilliant already.

Ok, looks like I can get 2 hours sleep if I'm quick about it.

Hard to explain all the issues this breast feeding has brought up. Let it suffice to say I'm incredibly ecstatic and had to tell SOMEONE!!!

BUSTING OUT



Typing with the wee one asleep in my lap so this'll be quick.

She was 19 days early. Little immature, some probs with O2 saturation levels so .... they kept her in NICU. Wonderful nurses. I was there pretty much 24/7, feeding, changing, holding her. Had to make the call to suppliment with formula. She's simply too young too nurse and with my breast reduction...well, we're working it all out. I'm pumping and feeding and bottling and not sleeping at all. AND I don't much care. I'm on fire. I feel like I could go like this for years.....but I did get a good sleep the other night which helps.

wait...this just in....



Bear likes it when she lies like this. Says she looks like she's operating an old fashioned radio...whaddaya think?!

So, we're all great. I'm tired, have actually yelled at my husband, then had a meltdown, now we're both feeling better. Lots to learn. The time in NICU was actually great cuz I got to know the nurses and docs and I got LOADS of insight and advice. I can't explain how it feels, my heart has blown open and I love this one week old bundle of joy like crazy. Bear and I have new-found appreciation for one another, too. Lots to be thankful for, and I am.

but feel free to hate me now....

Uh, yeah. So my peasant stock (halfish straight up wasp, halfish mexican) really rose to the occasion. Despite my 'advanced maternal age' my pregnancy was a snap. Sick for 5 months but not too...gained 20 pounds and have lost 18!!! And no stretch marks. And I pushed for *one hour* and then had the bundle of joy.

Scary story about the actual birth but that will have to wait. Almost time for the chitlin to be awakened for her 8 am snicky-snack.

Wowza.

IT'S A GIRL!!!!!!!!
Rio was born at 1:31 PM on Friday, July 2nd. We're all really tired but really, really happy...

More pics on the way - stay tuned!



Nita and Rio 

uh, yeah....

The baby's room isn't quite finished. I haven't packed everything that goes in my bag. My roots could use doing. The house is kind of a wreck and at 12:34 my water broke.

me: Motherfucker!
bear: Yes??????

So, you may not hear from us for a bit but I should have good news then....

Single White Female

Bond Girl has inspired me to post about something completely non pregnancy related. Evil Roommates.

I had to have had the WORST run of luck with roommates ever. Here are a few high/low lights....

Leslie
I was living in Providence and she and I worked in the same bar. She needed a place on the fly (duh! warning! warning! don't forget to ask why she's getting booted from her best friend's place!) so I let her move into my very cool 2 bedroom place. Right from the start I noticed she drank a LOT more than I realized and did a LOT more drugs that I knew the names of and had a LOT more legal problems than anyone else and slept with a LOT more strangers than seemed prudent....you get the picture. Well, the coup de grace came at about 3 am one night when I'm lying in bed with my giant (and chickenshit) body builder boyfriend and we hear Leslie coming up the stairs. Loud. Drunk. And with a man in tow. Clear as a bell I hear her say:

"I don't have any blow but my roomie usually has some laying around."

WHAT?

So I throw on a shirt, chickenshit boyfriend refusing to get up, and go out into the kitchen where Leslie is bent over in front of the refridgerator and a COP IN UNIFORM IS BENT OVER BEHIND HER. I am incredulous! So the conversation goes like this:

me: What the fuck is going on here?

(Leslie keeps her head in the fridge, all wrapped up in the task of trying to get a beer out of the six pack holder.)

cop: Uh, I was just making sure she got home alright.

me: Reaaaalllly Officer Friendly. Well, I can't help but notice that you have allowed my obviously drunken roommate here to pilot her unregistered car home, drunk, and I'm fairly certain her license is STILL suspended, yes? Where exactly did you two meet up, ( I peer at his badge number and name plate) Officer Dumbass?

cop: Yeah, I was just leaving.

me: That's what I thought, shithead.

That was the last straw. The next day when she went to work I had the locks changed and brought a bag of clothing and toiletries down to the club for her and booted her ass. Here's where it gets interesting....

Things I never wanted to know about Leslie that I learned whilst searching for her work clothes.

Her room was always pretty neat. I opened the walk-in closet and it was literally to the ceiling piled with clothes, porn and sex toys. Packed like a crazy person had packed it. THEN I found out where all the knives in the house had gone, they were in her drawers and under her bed. One of said drawers was chock full of men's underwear. All different sorts, apparently all worn. What a head case.

Years later I was in Palm Beach lunching with my grandparents and she was waitressing at the place.

She did a double take and headed for our table.

L: Hiiiiii!

me: I'll have a coke, thank you.

L: Don't you recognize me?

me: Who could forget? You're not our server, are you?

L: It's so great to see you! You look greaaaaaat! What are you up to?

me: Having lunch. Gram, would you like iced tea?

After she finally left the table I told my grandparents we were leaving after the drink. She's that fucking bananas.

Her replacement, Tricia.

I figured Tricia would be a safe bet seeing that she was dating the brother of my big dumb BF. Wrongo! She was a drunk slut as well. Yippee.

For some reason my friends all think I'm some sort of medical genius because I'm ever so slightly on THE SAFE SIDE... so she comes into my bedroom in the middle of the night. I'm up, by the way, because she is screaming at the top of her lungs. Really belting it out. Ridiculous, really. I'm no prude, but she sounded like she was being murdered. Anyway, she comes into my room:

T: Are you awake?

me: Are you fucking kidding me?!

T: Robert (who we work with!!!) just stuck it up my ass by mistake.

me: (after a long pause) And what, you want me to say something to him?!

T: No, but you could you just check it out to make sure I'm ok down there?

me: Ah, no.


Another of her habits was multiple partners that evidently had more appeal if they were complete strangers. So.....my mother is visiting. I am on the couch and mom is in my room. Tricia, who I begged for a 2 night reprieve, brings home 2 giant strangers, as unlikely as this may seem, one black and one red headed dude. Let the games begin. Three voices can be heard. Loudly.

I'm laying on the couch in those weird hysterical giggles waiting for my mother to be awakened. Sure enough, she comes out of my bedroom with her suitcase and informs me we're going to a hotel. Funny stuff.

Jamie

Name changed to protect those who can be googled.....

She was a well known ski racer. We were all at my place and she was crying about what an asshole her BF was and how she had to get out. All of the sudden everyone looks at me with the 'you've got a 2 bedroom place, how about here?' look and I know I'm sunk again. This time I am smart. This time I set boundaries. No rent and she had to be out in 6 weeks. Fair, right?

Ok, she wore my clothes. She never took a message, not once. She was a pig. She flooded the toilet by flushing fucking PADS. Who the hell is that stupid? She was a complete nightmare. Her coup de grace? I had to get out of town for a few days before I killed her. I got a phone call about the fabulous party she had the minute I left the house. When I got back 3 days later she was sitting at the kitchen table in what had previously been a gorgeous place to live. It was trashed like high-schoolers had been there. Turns out, they had. She was sitting there smoking a cigarette and flicking the ashes into my great-grandmother's mother fucking sugar bowl!!!! and she said:

J: Hey! How was your weekend?

me: J, if you don't get your ass and your shit out of here in 3 hours I will throw you out the window and burn your belongings.

J: Cool.

There are at least 10 other people this bad but I have to cook dinner for Bear. Chicken Parmigiana ;) I love my home.

Um, I'm feeling a little better....

But thanks for the good words :)

Early morning business trips after further funk (sorry BS)

Bear had to get up at 4:30 to leave for a day trip so of course we were up til 10 or so wearing out the sheets. After we were done I started cracking up. "We really are freaks, you know" I said. "I suspected as much," was his reply. Anyway.... He really should just go the night before and get away from his wife like everyone else does, but he'd rather sleep with us. Yea! Additionally, it was no problem to get him up and on the road on time SEEING THAT I'VE BEEN UP SINCE 2 AM. Another banner day for expectancy. I did manage to:
-pack him a snack bag for the trip
-repackage the pasta salad I made last night
-clean my salondry* room
-iron 5 shirts
-do 2 loads of laundry
-watch an EXCELLENT X-Files and I caught the highly recommended 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force' cartoon. Truly bizarre but I suspect I'm hooked. Oh bother, as Pooh would say....

So at least I was productive wandering about the house AND I did get a little nap after Bear departed this morning. Jack woke me up doing the cutest little yip barks in his sleep. He would be so embarrassed!

Remind me to brag about my god-daughter later

She is a pillar of strength with an extraordinaryly low give-a-shit-level and when I grow up, I want to be just like her. More to follow....

I lost a post...

If you've seen it, please help it finds its way home.

Closer...

I've been reading some excellent blogs lately. There are a lot of talented MFs out there, you know who you are. I am inspired to set up my links, at long last. But first, a nap.

The babe has dropped another 4 centimeters...

But that doesn't really mean anything. And they can't do anything about my pinched nerve in my foot til after I have the baby. And I can expect to keep sleeping horribly. And there is no way to tell when I'll be attempting the Herculean task of passing the child through what promises to be an inadequately wide passage.....I feel like crap and I'm so sick of hearing myself whine that I could just puke. Yeah.

That's all I got...

Tonight when Bear gets home we'll put the crib together, together. I've decided I want a giant fuzzy white rug in the nursery despite the fact that it may be one of my stupider calls. It's what I want. Today, anyway.

I'm starting to get nervous as hell about the impending arrival. I've always been super independent and self sufficient. My life has changed soooo much these past few years. I never thought I'd get married and certain didn't want to have children alone so now I'm this married soon to be mother and I don't really have a game plan for that. I'm the girl who can talk her way into sold out concerts and then get backstage. I've moved to another part of the country because the weather has been bad for weeks where I was living. I have ridden unconventional and borderline unstable to great heights and have had more fun than one person should be allowed.

And now, I don't really know what to think of myself. This isn't a big crisis. I'm here cuz I'm ready to be here. I'm an excellent wife and I love the skin off my husband. I believe we have what it will take to still be laughing together in old age. He is everything I never knew to wish for. The whole child thing is what is getting me today.

What if I am a complete embarrassment to the child?

What if s/he is really weird and hates school and becomes a target for bullies?

What if s/he rebels and joins the Republican party and believes that the disenfranchised are a bunch of whiners?

What if I'm a terrible mother because I have no real role model....

Let's just chalk this all up to hormones....

Busy busy

I'm on the way to get felt up by the doc. Well, that's probably not the technical term for what we'll be doing....so I have to shower.

Great post

I'll link to it later and expand.....

Superpowers

I read 2 complete books this morning and don't feel the lesser for all the skipped words.

I'm ready

My fingers are incredibly painfully swollen every morning, I'm wretchedly uncomfortable, I have a pinched nerve in my heel which kills, today I was nauseous for hours and I have no energy and no ability to sleep. Um, is the last stage of pregnancy supposed to feel like Hell on earth?!

The pictures were so popular....

Here is one of me last May being a birthcoach for my pal MC and baby O. I'd been up for 40 or so hours and hardly noticed. I sucked the stuff out of his nose when he was born, helped to wipe off all the goo, held him for MC so she could kiss him, gave him his first bath, changed his diapers and swaddled him while MC recovered from the birth. He roomed in and I stayed with them for days. It was wonderous and beautiful and I had no idea at that time that I would be embarking on the same mission. She's been more of a help than she'll ever know. And that boy is one fine toddler today, let me tell you. Adorable, funny, infectious laugh and in my unbiased opinion, he should be on billboards or baby food jars somewhere..... I miss them loads.

y'all want this party started riiiiiight?

Bear said, "Post some damned pictures today. You know how bored I get at work." I probably shouldn't tell you that he works in the development of security systems, right? I mean, the image of Homer flipping the plutonium core over his shoulder just jumps to mind, eh?! So, for Bear, here are some pictures.

Daytona Bitch
With my gram and I'm just 8 months pregnant here. Hated maternity bathing suits and figured, "What the hell? Might as well start embarrassing our progeny early....."



I sure as hell look pregnant now, huh?

I am almost 9 months here. I got up to cook breakfast for Bear and he decided to keep himself amused by taking loads of pictures. And laughing. A lot. Dick.



After a couple of dozen pics this is what I was feeling...



I feel like I should explain my outfit.....I can't stand to be clothed most of the time. I throw on whatever cuz I haven't hung curtains in the kitchen and I'm sick of the letters of protest from the neighbors. Maybe they should put away the binoculars.... So, Bear wanted breakfast and I threw this get up on and hit the kitchen. As if I needed a reminder that my brain is shot....

Birthday Bear

Here is himself, sprawled on the furniture at his mom's house. She always makes your favorite dinner for you on your birthday. She's really good at making you feel *special*.



Just a favorite of mine...

We were goofing around on the ferry. He had just done one of his super silly looks and was laughing it off when I caught this one. He is a smiley guy and his smile makes me smile and my smile makes him smile and, well, you get the whole stupid message, right?!




The Pillow Experiment

In an effort to keep Jack and Hobbes off the furniture I spread the pillows out everywhere to dissuade them from lying about. Fat lot of good that did, as you can see.



Last but not least - Hooters Hobbes!

Hobbes like to dress up. If I wasn't so lazy/tired/hormonally imbalanced I could take a picture of him every day. Yesterday he had on a yenta necklace that my mother gave me. Weird gold loops with giant carnelians in the center of each. Probably cost a fortune and I let Hobbes wear it :) Anyway, I took off my t-shirt one morning and he put his head under it so I let him wear it. He wore it ALL.DAY.LONG. and was still wearing it when Bear got home from work. I think he's got it going on over at least half the Hooters' girls, yes? And he DOES have a great personality, too....

tonight's the night...

Is it just me or is Rod Stewart fabulous? Ok, it's just me. One of the many oddities of me is my musical taste. I run the COMPLETE gamut from top 40 (I could beat BaBaBooie) to chic music to Billie Holiday to grunge to classical to southern rock to 70's shlock. People who don't know me well or long form an opinion about how sophisticated I must be in every aspect of my life and then they are all shocked that I'm killing myself to get tickets for the upcoming Cyndi Lauper show.....but I digress.

Tonight's the night I'm going to post pictures. Pictures of the unbelievably awesome window treatments I made with my friend Orra. Pictures of my belly in all its glory on Daytona Beach. One of my favorite sexy pictures of Bear. Maybe even the picture of Mare and me on the bar at Hogs and Heffers, bras in hand. Maybe not that one. But definitely the others.

Home Cheapo

Not mine. Greg dropped that while he was here. He's taking my man on a run there so he can build in the bookcases around the giant TV and build the giant TV into the wall so our basement fun room can be MTV Cribs ready. It is close ;)

That said...

My brother just called to know "exactly what we're doing RIGHT THIS MINUTE and do we want to have lunch with him and the boy?!" He's sooooo fucking wired, that kid. And he's nearing a month late to lend a hand with the pre-babe projects, but anyway.... No lunch. We're headed to the shoe repair place because all of the sudden my man is into the goofy shoes I've been buying him for years. Maybe you'll get a picture of his newest shoes - Prada-esque bowling shoes. So perfect on him. He's slowly but surely allowing me to update his wardrobe from 1985.....

i wish i could remember who i sent the link to my blog to cuz i have a
lot of disgusting stories to share...

Yeah, so, last year I sent the link to bunches of people and now I kind of sort of wonder who's lurking. And then I think, "Who gives a fat rat's ass?!"

That said, Bear and I are complete freaks of nature. We had some toe curling (AND flexing), goosebump raising, disturbing the dogs lovemaking first thing this morning. Absolutely fabulous. I am truly blessed. Of course, face down helps us both overlook certain 'conditions'.....

i'm waaaaay behind on email

So if I owe you a reply, just know it's on my mind and I'll get there sooooon.

symptomatic

*swollen fingers
*swollen feet
*the odd sensation of something headbutting me from inside my vagina
*uncontrollable crying
*fascination with the color of my nipples
*dreams of babies and drug dealing philanthropist art collectors and other weird dreams

must be getting close to time.

Daytona Beach and how I rocked it

I finally downloaded vaca pics of me 8 months pregnant and all bikini'd up. I'll upload later cuz one certain deep woods animal is bugging the shit out of me right now to go do his fool's errands....

Na na na na nana, you say it's your birthday....

Happy Birthday to the Bear. Thirty eight today. A round of applause.....

Me and the boys got him a few little giftie-nifties and I'm waiting for the big one to be delivered. My timing is so far off with this pregnancy. I can't remember a damned thing. One of the joys ;)

I'm loving Circuit City

Bear did purchase a zillion dollars worth of TV equipment in anticipation of always being broke once we have a chitlin. There were a bunch of rebates and gift cards and whatnot. I FINALLY sat down this morning to fill them all out and send them in only to discover most of the deadlines had passed. For $5 bucks, no problem. For over $500, I called the rebate center. A very nice boy (sounded like a boy) changed some stuff around so I can submit them and then, then he said, "Ciao!" when hanging up. How absolutely adorable! Not to mention we're getting a bunch of gift cards and cash back rebates....life is good.

American Red Cross and their superior follow up workers

I finally convinced Bear to give blood. I've secretly signed him up for organ donorship, as well, but that's another story.....

So, we gave blood. The last time I gave blood I was actually blissfully unaware of my pregnant status! So, they call to schedule for a follow up appointment...the call and call until they actually get some blood out of you. The last guy who called looking for me who talked to Bear learned I am expecting.

blood dude: Really? Congratulations! When is she expecting?
bear: Mid to late July.
blood dude: (pause) Ok, can I sign her up for November?

I mean, really! But I do admire their perseverance.

still no BB

It is getting to the awkward phase of we haven't talked in so long. I think about calling him but I'm still a bit peeved and hate to call just to say I didn't really want to call, know what I mean?

things are shaping up around here

Nursery is painted. Awaiting furniture.
Measuring has been done for the downstairs media project. Believe it or not, that is good news.
House is getting recognizable as a clean house. That is good news, too.
We still don't have names FOR CERTAIN, but we're not worried about it. Stupid, but good, yes?

I've been reading my favorite blogs and I'll be posting soon. I have a couple of high priority things around here and then I'll dive into making my blog a more enjoyable place. Thanks for stopping by, know that pictures are imminent, and my exhaustion has made me so fucking boring I can hardly stand myself ...

O.K., I (Bear) can't take it anymore...

I've been waiting for an update on this blog but I'm getting old too fast, so here goes...

The Honda Element, you know - that box of a dorkmobile that you see cruising around suburbia, has been researched for almost a year now by scientists at Lawrence Livermore National Labs. You see, it's called the Element because Honda engineers stumbled across this unique compound that they were able to isolate, reproduce under controlled conditions, and then extrude into steel-like blanks, from which the appropriate car parts were manufactured. The scientists realized that this was a new, basic element that needed to be classified and incorporated into the Periodic Table of Elements, so they got to work. It seems, amazingly, that this new element can only be used to construct Honda's new dorkmobile. Based on this remarkable conclusion, they named the new element: St, for STUPIDIUM.

So, it's a bad joke...whatever.

Have you ever been driving down the highway behind somebody who has left their blinker on? You know - they use it to merge when they get on, but there wasn't enough of a turn of the wheel to self-cancel, so it doesn't click off and they are distracted enough that they don't notice. Do you say "What an idiot!" and secretly hate them for being so stupid? And then quickly glance down to make sure that your blinker isn't blinking?

Yeah, me neither...

As you can probably tell, I drive a lot. Too much, actually.

can we all say 'overscheduled'?!

Mykal is here painting. I could just about kiss him! He is fast, clean, friendly and my doggers are madly in love with him. We picked a color and my friend Orra made some perfect curtains and valences so I'll post a picture when we get the room put together. It is starting to feel official, which is good since on Wednesday I'll be 36 weeks pregnant....

brand new symptoms

I have a tearing/pushing pressure in my pelvis area. Supposedly normal. Great.

Peeing, sorry, is back to the number 1 priority of the day. About 42 times a day to be exact. AND all through the night. Fun. I'm on the phone with the doctor's office right now because all of the sudden I have a zillion questions about delivery and why my heel hurts and is swelling really an indicator and should we stop shtupping or what?!

I haven't finished reading all the books I had wanted to and I'm starting to feel really freaked out about a million things. Bear is great at helping me keep my head on straight but he IS gone all day and my thoughts do race....

shopping should help

So my MIL just called and she had a cancellation so we're going to hit BabiesRUs and finish the registry. I just updated what I think we'll really need without getting all commercialized so the list is short and manageable. Yeah, right. But we really don't want to have 8 million pieces of plastic and every gadget known to mankind. I'd like to think I'll be entertaining enough on my own :) See, I am obviously delusional.

crazy family update

I am really liking how my relationship with my father is developing. For those who've fallen behind-I didn't meet him til I was 30! There's a LOT to tell, but now right now.... My sister (same aforementioned father and his second wife...) is doing summer school and I so miss her tons. Wisconsin is too far away. My mother and I had a brawl and she did the usual - didn't call for a week and then called all like nothing was wrong. Nice coping tool, eh?! AND my brother blew me off last weekend for the second week in a row and hasn't even called this week. I'm ever so slightly frustrated with him right now. Oh, and my feelings are terribly hurt, as well....

really quickly...

I know I've been slacking...life is really speeding up around here. My friend Orra came for a few days and we found excellent material for curtains for all of our naked windows. Pictures will follow soooooon.

baby update
I had my 35 week appointment yesterday. The baby has dropped a solid 3 or 4 inches which evidently means it'll be a little sooner than anticipated. Sandra, my nurse friend, said that the dropping and swelling would seem to say, get ready!

THAT would be lovely. My feet look so grotesque I can't bear to glance upon them. I may look silly in my Ugg boots all the time, but I really don't give a fat rat's ass right about now. Seeing that so many things make me cry, not looking is the best I can do right now.

some guys are such weinies

Day 2 of trying to return stuff to Home Depot....we get in line and there is a man getting worship whiplash watching a moderately attractive blond woman in what appeared to be doll clothes leaving the Depot. He actually had his mouth open and was so obvious and creepy. I offered to hold his place in line if he needed to go outside so-as not to lose sight of her.

him: Huh?
me: Sure, you seemed entranced. Maybe you should go talk to her. It has been known to work.
him: Right, actually, my fiance is right about in the same condition you are.
me: So, you're just a jackass looking for an ass whooping?
him: Yeah, I guess so.

The great thing about Bear is he ogles with such respect for the human body. I know he's not immune to looking, I don't expect him to be. I love looking at beautiful bodies, too. Just try not to drool. Especially at Home Depot. It gets mixed with the sawdust and dirt and must be difficult to clean...

And now, I really must retire for my afternoon nap before my every sleeping moment is dictated by the baby Bear ;)

frosted ass

I had a therapist (my last one) who really helped me a lot. Not a lot of mumbo jumbo "let's taaaaaalk about it" bullshit, we did EMDR. Look it up if you're interested. Helped to put the trauma of my childhood out of my throat and in a more appropriate mental loop. Bah!

One thing this brilliant woman said was, "It's amazing to me that you have so much hope when it comes to the members of your family."

I was thinking of that today because I'm still pissed at my brother, BB. I mentioned that he blew me off again to go to Tennessee for- not a fool's errand, a complete jackass' errand! It occured to be that he always tells me that something's come up, but he obviously never says that to anyone else when he's promised ME he'd do something for/with me. My feelings are hurt. I'm pissed off. AND I can' really say anthing to him because he won't talk to me until he had another seizure and one of his friends will call. I love him more than anything but today I'm sad that it has to be this way.

No real point, just moving books/bookshelves/pictures/garbage and thinking it would be more fun with him around....

Jelly Bellys

This is my excellent brother-in-law. He's married to Bear's sister, referred to here as SIL. This picture was taken after the shower last weekend. SIL emailed it and probably didn't think it was intended for public consumption but, hell, I'm pregnant and bound to do crazy things!

My BIL is a funny dude. And very talented when it comes to rounding out those abs. And here I am in all my 8 1/2 month glory. I've been to Daytona so I have a little color and I did wear my bikini down there. Much fun, much fun.



I am all belly, as you can see. Happy as all hell and definitely scared. This should be interesting ;)

:: sometimes I just don't get him ::

Luckily, those moments are few and far between. I just left him downstairs, fully engrossed in Terminator III. In Spanish. I'm guessing you're guessing that he doesn't speak a word of Spanish. Still, unable to tear himself away. In his defense - there isn't much dialogue. But still....

sleep would be so lovely

I really shouldn't complain because I only have to get up once or twice during the night to tinkle. Of course, I've heard the horror stories of women who spent months on end in the bathroom-voiding. So, I'm not so much complaining as I am completely exhausted. AND I can't seem to sleep past the crack of dawn. I was up at 6 am today. THAT, my friends, is sleeping in. I definitely feel more possessed than ever lately....

all educated up and nowhere to go

I finished another shlock novel this morning. "Gideon." Can't really recommend it, but it is a nice beach read. Twisted little plot that sends you back to the scene of the wickedest twist to say, "Yeah, I really did read into that so it's conceivable that it went down like that." But what a stretch! Anyway, now that I'm officially magna cum educated all I do is clean the house and read bad novels. I wonder if I can get any of my money back.....

BB strikes again

Yeah, so, after allowing him to sleep in, I called again around 4pm.

BB: I was JUST gonna call you!

me: Really? I must be psychic.

BB: Yeah, uh, well, we were gonna mail the band flyers to Tennessee (for the upcoming stoner-fest that I can't remember the name of....) but it was going to cost $600 so me and EasyE are going to drive them to Tennessee.

me: Uh, it's going to cost $600 in gas to drive there and back!

BB: No it isn't. I'll definitely try to stop by on Sunday on the way through....or I'll be there next weekend to help with the nursery. Love you. *click*

Obviously he gets his logic skills from my mother. I guess I have to get to the place where I realize that I can really only count on a few people. Very few. One of them is sleeping so soundly in bed but I'm going to make him french toast and bring it to him there. Because I know that he's going to get up and do all the things that need to be done and he'll be pretty goddamned entertaining whilst doing it.

*sigh*

hoffman syndrome

Speaking of my funnyman..... He comes home yesterday from a new neurophysical (?) doctor as he tries and tries to recover from January's car accident.

Bear: This guy is so smart. He took out all these kinesiology books to show me exactly what he was talking about. And he did all these tests and showed me on a giant chart exactly how the nerve bundles grow from infancy through adulthood. It was fascinating!

me: *wrinkling forehead hoping I never have to go to this guy*

Bear: And he said I have 'Hoffman Syndrome.' You know what that is? (At this point he begins to hold his fingers up in weird configurations, flicking certain ones in an effort to recreated the tests the doc was doing. He looked silly.)

It means I'm hyper reflexive. The doc asked if I had superior hand eye coordination. ( I immediately thought of his drumming skills and juggling skills. Here's a hint: His drumming practice sessions are 40 second spats of drumming punctuated with loud "Fuck!"s when he misses something. His juggling, while impressive, causes the dogs to leave the room lest they be beaned again.)

me: Does this syndrome explain why you have to hang your mouth open for your hyper reflexivity super duper hand eye coordination to kick in?!

Evidently, there is no direct correlation. Go figure.

So.... I am going to ask Bear to put comments back on my page. I'm going to change it one more time if I can find a template I really like and I'm going to take a picture of our newly mango sanctuary :) Looks like another busy morning.

crap!

Um, so, I lost all the comments with this lime green phase of mine. It looks like the template should be relatively easy to manipulate so I took the plunge. Sorry. You know I find you all terribly fascinating. If my appt. is much later, I'll try to figure out which comments are best and add them...... just crap!

BB, or baby brother, update

Called him at 11:30. He's still in bed. Asked if I'd call back later. Suuuuure.

more showers in the forecast

My friends Sandra and Linda are hosting one on Sunday. Couples, BBQ by the famous Bacon Bill, and kids and others are invited. I am feeling okay about this one because the last one went so well. PLUS-mommie dearest won't be at this one....

I hate late

And my 11:30 is now 43 minutes late. I am always on time. Perhaps my haphazard childhood experiences with the arbitrarinous of "I'll be there to pick you up" has left scars. But I hate late. AND I usually have total attitude when the late one arrives. Palpable attitude. That I can't escape. Unattractive. Oh well. No one's perfect, right?!

for my next trick....

My next post will contain pictures and a few of the funny stories Bear thinks I should share.....

and for a nice change; anticlimax ;)

He walked into the bedroom and said, "The comforter looks different."

It took him a solid 30 seconds to notice the room was immaculate AND a completely different color. He's very tired and I am too so it's off to bed for us.

He did stop at the Body Shop for some delicious lotion for my feet AND he rubbed them for half an hour. *sigh* He is the best and I know he'll be an amazing father. Our little baby is going to be sooooo lucky.

AND...my brother just called to say he'll be here tomorrow. Can't wait! Or, yes I can....

I hate the new Blogger even more now

Did you know that if you make your first line bold, and then try to insert italics from the above simple and tempting menu, that all your writing disappears? Yah, me neither. Three times. Damnit!

I am being a very good wife today...

Bear has to be in New Hampshire today for some sort of secret thing. He could have a whole other family, but I know he needs lots of sleep so he probably doesn't have time...Anyway, where was I? Oh! We have been seriously discussing his rather high blood pressure and his need to get more/some exercise. At this point it just may be bugging him that I'm not blowing up like a Jiffy Pop popper. Allll belly. Almost cute, in an alien has taken over my body sort of way....

So, I recommended he walk Hobbes in the morning. I challenged him, I daresay. He bet me a crisp Benjamin that he would do it every day. I said 3 days a week is a nice start and the bet was on. Day one, it was over.

And I quote, "If I give you a hundred will you shut the fuck up and let me sleep?" At least that's what his growl sounded like. Well, I took that hundred and hired a friend of my SIL to paint our bedroom today, while Bear is off being a super spy. He is going to be so surprised and relieved. Our calendar for June has all the stuff we need to do to prepare for BabyM's arrival and our bedroom isn't even on it! It is the only room in the house that didn't get painted since we bought the place. The people we bought it from were a bit schkeevy so it's high time. It's going to be a deep marigold/mango sort of color. I hope he doesn't hate it. Maybe I'll take a picture and post it. Yeah, I should do that.....


A great picture that WILL be posted tomorrow was sent by said SIL. Her husband can blow out his belly to look like he's pregnant. After the shower when he and Bear descended for left-overs, we posed with our bellies touching. Fun stuff. I am lucky in in-laws, I'll tell you!

by the by

My brother is officially 11 days late to come and help me box books. He does call every few days to say he's on his way, so I know he's alive. But 11 days? What the hell?

june showers bring well dressed babies...

Really quickly cuz I'm exhausted and headed for bed. My fabulous MIL and equally fabulous SIL threw me an unbelievable baby shower. I usually hate the things, but this one was so nice I hardly seemed to notice where I was :) Great food and when I was done opening gifts my SIL had written what each person gifted us on the back of their envelope. She is an organizational maven.

My mother was 1.5 hours late. She wanted a haircut and I insisted on a full hour of playtime for her ridiculously poorly behaved dog before I was comfortable leaving them alone. She got here 20 minutes before I had to walk out the door. I had a total meltdown, with sobs and difficulty breathing.

me (after I had calmed myself down): You know this is difficult for me and I'm uncomfortable. I really needed you to be on time today. That's why I'm so upset.
mother: Well, I can't be responsible for the traffic.
me: You needed to leave plenty of time for incidentals so this wouldn't happen.
mother: I did leave plenty of time.
me: OBVIOUSLY you did not.
mother: Well, I did.

Fuck sensible conversations and honesty. I'm going to start busting her in the chops. Ugh, I'll tell all tomorrow. Tonight-I must rest and snuggle my wonderful husband.

Sleep tight.

BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN

Sorry for the long absence. My heart is a bit fonder for it, how about yours?!

I'll ease in today and then try to be more consistent. I'm at that lovely stage of just frigging exhausted all the time. I wake up tired in the morning and tired after a nap and ready to fall into bed every night. Fun stuff.

So...

You know I have a pitbull, Hobbes. He is nicknamed the Bunny Man because he is such a snuggle face. When I woke up for the second time** today, he gets up from the end of the bed and comes around for a look-see. So he walked around my feet and up the right edge of the bed to swing around for my morning face wash. During the execution of his edge pirouette his tail hit the lampshade on the bedside table. He is a bit skittish. Well, the sound/sensation scared the Bunny Man and he leapt straight up into the air about 2.5 feet off the bed and right over me and almost off the other side. I was hysterical. I love that crazy mutt. Endlessly entertaining.

** I woke up the first time today at 3am sharp. Bear was sound asleep and laughing his head off. Really laughing. Hard! I couldn't get back to sleep so I wrote some thank you notes from graduation. I wonder what the heck was so funny!

Uh, testing....

But Seriously, now...

Tonight I'll try to post about how advanced paternal age is affecting me.
For example: lately, I have found myself imagining how life will be with the nugget and thinking about things we may do together, and how great our family is, and... I get all teary. And, I'm getting this "monetary" or "provider" instinct thing kicking in - similar I guess to N's "nesting" phase (she's making a pantry in the basement among other things). It's kinda weird. I can't wait!

Quantum Physics is funny!

Characters

Doh - our customer service rep. Nice woman, very friendly, and definitely "airy". Long black hair, about 5' tall, approx. 35 - 40ish.

Ray - a recent hire who is a non-condescending and brilliant physicist from a top 10 University. An odd duck, for sure, but really fun and wacky with all of his quirks and the stereotypical "scientist aura". Dark, swept-back crazy hair. About 5'9" tall, heavy Bronx accent, approx. 40 - 45ish.

Me - laid back and goofy. Does not take "the professional workplace" thing too seriously. Physics guy from a bottom 10 University. Short blonde hair, 6'3" tall, precisely 36.9205 years old. (Three points to those who send me bday greetings on the right day!)

Scene

Where:
A technology-based security company. Not rent-a-cop security, but security as in anti-counterfeiting technologies for *SECRET STUFF GOES HERE*. High profile clients, serious old-school, conservative management. Stuffy upper brass. Two people out of 150 that understand the cutting-edge stuff that makes our products highly un-counterfeit-able: Me + Ray.

When:
Day of first meeting with a materials company that utilizes "quantum dots", which are discrete semiconductor clusters about the size of cigarette smoke particles (10-50 nm). These things have unique properties that make them attractive as "locks" in electronically monitored products so we are evaluating the physical specs. and determining how to modify them at the atomic level so they readily attach themselves to the molecules in our specialized...goo. Blah, blah, blah. A typical workday.

Act 1
Hallway outside the cafeteria...

Me: Hey, Ray. Are you ready for this meeting?

Ray: Oh! Yah, Oh yah - definitely. I mean, FINALLY! An interesting technology we can look at.*Positions feet too close together for proper balance and sweeps left hand through hair. Teeters a bit as he lifts the coffee to his lips*

Me: Yah, I know. So much boring bullshit - I love working on the fun stuff... So, I was thinking about this quantum well effect, and I can't really conceptualize how the cluster size affects the energy states like this.*Refers to diagram in a journal article.*

Ray: You mean the quantum confinement...*smiles devilishly* The "well effect" is only a model that describes binding energy - it's the same with intermolecular forces. The quantum confinement, however, is restricted to the cluster. The photons add energy to the system that elevates the electron energy states, and this altered state causes binding reconfiguration and dissipates energy through thermal relaxation and causes *SECRET INFO GOES HERE*.*Puts coffee down to make wild hand gestures with both hands, because he got frustrated trying to "show" an electron energy shell in an atom with only one hand.*

Me: Oh. Duh...

Ray: Ha Ha Ha!!!*Stamps foot*. What - did you forget this stuff!? It's basic physics, man!

Me: Noo!*Wrinkles brow and smiles in embarrassment. Looks down and toes floor tile with foot* I mean, I read through the literature, and they treated this entirely with mathematical models - there wasn't any reference to the real structure of these things. I'm thinking in terms of the quantum well effect and discrete states *does air quotes* based on the radius-of-the-Bohr-atom treatment... I'm thinking in terms of the models... I just confused the math with the reality, I guess.

Doh: *Pouring coffee into her cup* I'll say! You guys are such NERDS! Can I come to your meeting? It sounds like so much fun! *makes the stick-your-finger-down-your-throat puking gesture. Smiles broadly*

Ray: Ha Ha Ha! I'm not a nerd! HE'S a nerd! *Points to me, giggles slurpily after sipping coffee*

Me: *Stands super-erect, purses lips and makes "nerd face"* Neep! Neep! I'm a nerd. Ray says so... Ray's not a nerd.*sarcastic* Definitely not a nerd.*Rainman voice*

Doh: You guys are weird...*Walks out and back to office.*

Act 2
-Meeting takes place-

Act 3
In mailroom after meeting

Me: *Leaning on copier*So, isn't this cool? I think it will work, but I'm really worried about the *SECRET* problem. Did you hear me hammer on that point?*Smiles conspiratorially.* And man, you killed them on the specificity issue! The guy's smart, though. He knows his shit.

Ray: *Standing in middle of aisle, feet too close together.* Oh, yah. He knows what's goin' on.

Doh: *Walking through, smiling.* Sooo!!! How was the meeting? Did I miss anything? Maybe I can see your notes? *Kidding.*

Me: Well, I'd show you my notes, but they're really small.*Scale of atom joke*

Ray: Ha Ha!!*Points at me, laughing REALLY loud.* That's FUNNY. You're funny... that's a good one...

Doh: *Wrinkles brow in confusion. Looks questioningly back and forth between Ray and Me.*

Me: ...And I am uncertain of their location!*A joke based on the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle*

Ray: HAH HAH HAH!!!*Points at me, laughing REALLY, REALLY loud.* Another one!! You're on a roll! Ha Ha HAH!!!

Doh: *Wrinkles brow in confusion. Shaking head, walks out silently.*

Me: I'm definitely a nerd.*Smiles.*

THE END

See? Quantum Physics is funny!!

BARF

Hey! I commandeered N's blog again! This is actually fun - I like keeping it alive while the wife relaxes herself on Daytona Beach. You are all loyal fans of AMA, and you can't let down the fans, right?!

So I dedicate this entry to you.

On the home front there is not much going on other than working and taking care of Mo & Ron. I told N today that I feel like a single dad - running around, trying to take care of the kids in the morning, running off to work, rushing home to take care of the kids again, "cooking" (means eating food that is, at that present moment, ready to be eaten through no effort on my part. Or at least close to this.), feeding the kids, cleaning (the Nursery, remember?), going to sleep, waking up, etc., ad nauseam.

It is a sucky way to live. PLEASE COME HOME SOON!! But I say that more because I just miss you...

Speaking of feeding Frick & Frack, there is a story that you might find amusing: We adhere to a dog food diet that is referred to as BARF, which is an acronym that gets an A++ from me. Some funny bastard came up with that one! You see, I say this because it means Biologically Appropriate Raw Food, and the underlying theory is that it is most healthful for a dog to present the type of food he would eat in his natural environment. And I like the idea, because if you think about it, dogs, although probably lingering around human campsites and such for tens if not hundreds of thousands of years, have only relatively recently been domesticated. So the more natural diet is that of a wild dog, which over eons has evolved to be a scrappy scrounger that eats small game and whatever else it can find.

So, the BARF diet consists of raw meat, some type of enzyme-y material, a grain, and processed vegetables. The vegetables are required because the rabbit eats the grass, the dog eats the rabbit, etc. But the raw meat? Nasty! The recommended meat is raw chicken, bones and all. Yes, you were told never to give chicken bones to a dog, because it would choke them or puncture their guts, blah, blah, blah. Which is correct - if the bones are cooked. Raw bones are pretty flexible and they are completely digested by the dog. Believe me on that one. Also, they contain essential fats in the marrow that the dogs need to get. So we use raw chicken necks - sometimes, accidentally, there are a few heads in the 40lb box, too. OOooommph! It's the weirdest thing: I can handle the necks with or without gloves, but I won't touch the heads. It just seems really different even though, if you think about it, what's the difference? It's just another part of a dead, chopped-up chicken, right? WRONG! I won't touch them.
So that's where "barf" comes in. Get it?

By the way, I'm still working on my "amusing story" - it's just that it requires a little setting up, that's all...

Soooo, the enzyme-y stuff is yogurt (they prefer vanilla!) and we don't so often include the vegetables because that's just how it's done. The grain comes in the form of Grape-Nuts, or less expensive Nutty Nuggets from Stop&Shop. I typically mix up a yogurt -n- Nutty Nugget paste and apply it over chicken necks, but I don't let it touch the bowl so much because it then tends to get licked into the corner of the bowl and Mo gets all weird if he can't eat at 200 mph!

Monday night, I get home and change my clothes. I decide I should feed the nuggs early so they can have some time to digest a bit and then go outside to "do their business". Only I was out of cereal and out of yogurt. What was I thinking last time when I finished them off? Duh. Oh well, I can improvise, right? It's sort of like organic chemistry, but you eat it, right? Sooooooo....lets see.....ummmmmmmm, an old Ultra Slim Fast? Perfect. Ummmmmmmm, some kibble (for mom-in-law's dog)? O.K., good. Now....ummmmm, what else? I've got it! Some flax meal! Yah, they'll like that - it sounds good to me. So I mix up the shake, the kibble, and the flax meal. But it then gets thick and sticky, like cookie dough or something. Let's see...what else, what else? Ah ha! Peanut butter! Everyone knows that dogs love peanut butter! In goes the peanut butter. But it's still kinda thick. Well, at this point all I've got to work with are my rudimentary cooking skills based on masterful creations such as Eggs a la Bear, and PB & H. The H is for Honey! Yum!

In goes the honey. Stir it all up, dab across a bed of succulent and firm raw chicken necks, and serve chilled.

I think they broke all previous speed-eating records which were, by the way, already pretty impressive. So I thought I did a good job: I encountered an obstacle, I adapted and improvised, and the problem was solved. Or was it just beginning? Hmmmmmmm...

Only after arriving home from work yesterday did I discover, to my horror, what flax meal, slim fast, kibble, peanut butter, and honey do to a dog's digestive system...

BARF! Not them. Me - when I found all the little presents that Mo left for me on the carpet. Man, I felt really bad for him - he must have been so tortured to do that, thinking he would get in trouble but having no choice. So I acted like nothing happened and when they went outside I cleaned it up. Ironically, yesterday I arrived home with the new supply of yogurt and Nutty Nuggets, but it was tooooooooo late.

Well, I'm done for now, so I'll have to tell you about the quantum physics jokes tomorrow. Absolutely nothing to do with advanced maternal age, but what do I know about that?

B.Diddy's in da Houuuuuuuuse!

Okay!!

I just couldn't take it anymore. My lovely, wonderful (and BIG!!) wife hasn't posted in a long time, and there is so much going on... Come to think of it, maybe that's why we haven't heard from her in a while.

Every day at work I go to Advanced Maternal Age to see what aspects of our life are posted for the world's amusement. Not that I mind - she does tend to keep a lid on things. The funniest stuff (most of which she doesn't share) is typically the most embarrassing for me, as the following equation describes:

[(me + some social situation) / my smoothness] x cluelessness = hilarity

It's all there. Hilarity is inversely proportional to my (lack of) smoothness, and directly proportional to my social cluelessness. I am exaggerating, though - I'm not THAT much of a dork! Our life in general is fun and funny things happen to us - but that's on purpose. We make it that way. Some stories she may tell someday:

1) Where's My Thingie?
2) B...., You Remember Me, Right?
3) Is It Real?
4) Leigh's Not Black?!?!
5) I Feel GREAT!!!
6) You Don't Want Chardonnay, You Want Ziff!
7) If I Run Faster and Get My Butt Lower, I Can Catch My Tail!!!
8) Poop Crop Circles
9a) I'm Battling a Small Fire...
9b) Well, Let me Put It This Way: Basically, Your Husband Answered the Door...
10) Shut Up or I'm Gonna Break Your Hip!
11) The Branch Won't Hit the House, Right??
12a) Just Throw Some Limes On It!
12b) The Weeds Are Comin' Through the Con-Creek...
12c) I'm Gonna Trim Back The Bushes a Bit...
13) Alright! Finally! This Is The Perfect Color For the Living Room!!
14) I'm SOOO Anal!
15) Don't You Want To Live in a 500 Year-Old Castle With Me?
16) This Is Nas-tee!!
17) Umm, Um. Okay..Greeaat.
18) 135 "Uhs" in 20 Minutes = 6.75 [Uhs/min]
19) Honey, Would You FedEx My ID To Me?
20) Ahg! Ptu! What's This In My Oyster? (not funny, just a nice story)
(21) I Like That Kooky, Kooky Eye...

And so on, and so forth. There are SO many good stories!

Now, back to the present day.
N is presently in Daytona, FL visiting her "Mother's Most Recent Ex-Husband" and his mom, or her Dad and Grandmother, in our vernacular. She is missing me (and I, her) but having a good time in the sun, renting recumbent bikes to cruise on the beach, swimming, chilling out, etc. She does deserve the rest though, because...

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She GRADUATED COLLEGE LAST WEEK!!!!

YAY!!! WOO-HOOO!!!!

B.A., Humanities
Magna Cum Laude
Alpha Sigma Lambda National Honor Society

...and her worst grade of all her college classes? A B in WATERCOLORS 1 !!!!!!
I like her paintings, though. I can't imagine what the other people got!!

Anyhow, we had a perfect, sunny, breezy day for the commencement (of course I got a sunburn) and we had a really nice party for her at a friend's restaurant in New Haven right afterwards. The highlight of the party, though, was that her Mom and Dad, who haven't seen each other in 38 YEARS, were actually going to be in the same room at the same time - with witnesses!! Of course there was much speculation and side betting... I think the odds favored Mom - bigger gun & less inclined to stand down - but I didn't get involved. However, a lot of people lost money because nothing happened. They didn't even speak to each other! Whew!!

A lot of friends and family came in from out of state - it was really nice. One of her profs. was there with his wife and he was telling us how N was the best student he had...ever! See, I always had a weakness for the smart ones!

Now, it's on to Yale. I'm pushing Yale - she is certainly the type of student they are looking for: really smart, really liberal, really outgoing, and of superior character. And a really dedicated, hard worker. Plus, the Yale campus is 5 minutes down the road. Yup - she's going to shake things up in those ivy covered halls...

We think she will be able to phase into a Masters program after the Little Bean is a couple or three years old. After that, I go back to school to finish my education. This, though, is a long and dreary tale that I won't bore you with...

I am curious: does anyone know someone who went back to graduate school in their late 30's / early 40's? If so, how did they do it? I'm interested in hearing how others have pulled this off...

Now I'm WAY off topic!! So, back to the business at hand: N is feeling pretty good except she doesn't have the appetite required to eat enough to gain the doctor-prescribed one-pound-per-week. So she's going for the most calorie-laden food she can. Her ankles and hands are swelling, so she has to try to keep them elevated to keep this under control. I think that her "pee-thing" is better (feeling like she has to go, but it being a false alarm), but maybe it isn't and she just got tired of telling me...

We are still working on the names thing - I didn't realize how hard this could be! There are SO MANY reasons why certain names aren't "good" - same name as people you hate, same name as family member, name is too common, name is too obscure, name initials spell sex-oriented or other "difficult" words (RIM, RAM, REM, DIM, DUM, HUM, CUM), etc. Obviously, we're stuck with "M" as a last initial.

Second question: Does anyone have an idea for a COOL three-letter-set of initials (that ends in "M")? Maybe we can work backwards from that...

Finally, the Nursery. The Nursery. Yep, the Nursery. It used to be our office, and now it's not. We still need to clean it out and paint it. The problem is getting all of our books out. HUNDREDS of books! THOUSANDS of books! Well, maybe not thousands but...SHIT! My books all weigh twelve pounds apiece (mostly physics and optics texts), N has every dictionary ever published, we have just about all the "Dummies" and "Idiots" books, most all of the Calvin & Hobbes books, generalized science books (me), generalized literature books (N), advanced mathematics books (me), tons of self help / self actualization / self diagnostic / self destruction books (me & N); Flash, HTML, C++, Visual C++, LabView, DreamWeaver, PhotoShop, Illustrator, Cold Fusion, etc. books; dog training books, "How to Organize Your Books" books, and now, finally, child birthing / raising / attachment / detachment / potty training / development / caring for / education books.

We've got it ALL. And it's all got to go downstairs. Two flights down. And it's all got to be put in the new bookshelves. That I haven't built yet. Ugh...

Which reminds me of arguably the BEST story of all:

22) What's "Ugh"?

Now, that's the one I think she should tell you next!

I have to get back to work now. These morons don't understand their own IP and need me to tell them how to make a product for a major client such that it will be completely covered by our patents. And this will be an additional $10M account on top of the large $$ business we currently have with this client. The funnier one is the $30M account we're trying to land that we keep doing wrong again, and again, and again... But this isn't MY blog, so I'll spare you from all this.

Bear
previously known as B.Diddy

I just love the crack of dawn, don't you?

My brother, the near deaf, arrived yesterday. I love that kid so much it makes my heart squeeze. He, like me pre-pregnancy, doesn't sleep so I know I can go wake him up and he'll hang with me before this crazy day gets rolling. We're having 8 for brunch, and then another 8 for dinner. Should be interesting....

Big kids

We spent over 2 hours at BabiesRUs yesterday. My SIL informed Bear that we were nowhere near finished registering and our registry certainly needed some work. It did so we went. On a Saturday. The day before Mother's Day. Hello, could we get any stupider??!!

A post for another day will be all the crap you 'are supposed to have' for a baby. For this morning I'd just like to tell you all in Blogsylvania one thing. They give you a scanner so you can add things to your registry with ease. They give you directions like: can't scan sale or seasonal items, to register for multiples-scan multiple times, to delete the last item scanned you need to scan the delete code from the sheet on the clipboard. I took the clipboard; all loaded up with my measly choices and a thick shock of suggestions. Bear took the scanner.

*beep*
bear: Oops.
me: C'mon honey. Don't mess around.
bear: I'm not. I'm just making sure it's calibrated right. Can I see the delete code?
me:.....
*beep*

*beep*
me: What are you scanning in??!!
bear: I was just testing if you really couldn't scan sale items. You can scan this one! Can I see the delete code?
*beep*

*beep*
me: I'm looking at the suggestions. What are you adding to the registry??!!
bear: I just wanted to see how far away it can pick up a UPC code. Can I see the delete code?
*beep*

*beep*
bear: Total accident, I swear.
me: Give me the scanner.
*beep

So, he almost made it an entire aisle without losing scanner privileges. Frankly, that wasn't bad.

Hop Hop, Easter Bunny

We finally figured out why Jack is so interested in a clump of evergreens in the way backyard. Evidently there is a warren of rabbits living there. Tiny, perfectly formed, multi-colored little bunny rabbits-judging from the one in his mouth when he came in last night.

We don't put the dogs out, mostly because we'd never see Jack again. We take them out about 20 times a day. You have to stand on the back porch and monitor their activities. No fighting. No rolling in smelly stuff. No digging at the fence. Here, here, here, here and it's a successful outing. Unfortunately these dogs treat our backyard like some sort of wild game preserve.

Their kill list to date:
bunnies ( a few)
birdies (a few)
squirrels (again, a few)
and one nasty looking possum.

The cops had to come over and shoot the latter. Did I tell you about that?

So, happy mother's day. I have to go switch the laundry, iron some napkins and hit the grocery store before it gets bananas there. My nugget has been kicking up a storm and each shot to the ribs makes me smile.

Yeah, I think I'm ready.

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Yesterday I got mad. Really mad. Mad enough to spit. On someone....

I was at the Mobil station along the highway. Gas is always a bit higher there but if you're stupid enough to get on a highway without fuel, you deserve to pay the premium, right?

So, I'm in line and the white dude in a fishing hat in front of me says:

dude: I got gas in Greenwich yesterday. It was $2.15 a gallon! And it was at a Mobil, too.

me: That's odd. I thought they were regulated within certain areas,

dude: Well, the guy was an A-rab so I guess he was having a good laugh at our expense.

This is where my head blew off. The lovely black girl behind the counter recognized the purple flush of my face and half smiled, wondering what was next. This was next....

me: An Arab? How did you know? Did you discuss his heritage with him?

dude: Well, middle eastern, whatever. They're all the same, having a laugh at our expense.

me: Perhaps you'd care to pick up a newspaper while you're here and perhaps EDUCATE yourself a little bit. This whole war, that we don't belong in, is not a laughing matter to anyone.

dude: I'm just saying. I miss the good old days when everyone was either english or irish or (casts a look at the counter girl) African American. You know, you could tell what someone was by looking at them.

me: Yes. It is much easier to hate along racial lines when they are clear for you.

At this point I pushed past him, put my $20 on the counter and said, "Fucking asshole."

I am not normally good with racism. I believe in confronting it when I come upon it. I don't swear, but rather point out the offending comment and try to educate this person as to why it is hurtful. Yesterday I just wanted to bust this fuckwad in the mouth. I was mad for an hour afterward. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

thank goodness we have a bazillion dollars worth of television equipment

We had a really nice night together last night. Bear came home, showered and changed into some velour sweats and he set up the digital recorder on our giant television to record the 2 hours of Friends. Then we, ah, took a happy break and then had a lovely dinner of steak, broccoli, squash and baked potatoes. We then retired to the TV room to watch Friends, sans expensive commercials, from the recording as the show zipped on ahead of us.

I'm no fanatic and I haven't seen it much in the last 2 years because of my school schedule, but I'm not ashamed to say I think it's a clever show. I am a bit invested in the characters and do have my own wishes for the fates of the cast members. That said, I was so excited to be home and available and accompanied by my favorite person to watch the finale.

We watch the first hour. We're able to back up and enjoy particularly funny moments again. We pause and go upstairs to make ice cream sundaes. We settle back on the couch. Life is good. Although it takes 4 remotes, a virtual reality suit and foot pedals to control the myriad of functions of the TV, sound system and digital recorder, Bear is up for the job. He's whirring and spinning and flicking buttons like a pro.

It's the last minutes of the show. Monica and Chandler are all packed up. The air is thick with emotions and poignant witticisms. What I assume to be very close to the end, Joey crosses his arms and says, ".........

This is where his taping shuts off. He looks at me. I look at him.

bear: Uh, I programmed it to go 2 minutes over in either direction.
me: ...
bear: Oh well. You basically know how it ends, right?

So, if anyone knows what happened in the last 2 minutes of a show that I have watched FOR TEN FRICKIN YEARS THAT MY HUSBAND CUT THE TAPING SHORT ON.... please divulge.

***

Speaking of Friends.... I wonder how 'Joey' will do. He's a goon, but does that make for a fun 17 minutes? I was thinking it would be great for Gunther to show up in Hollywood, all tricked out and super successful cuz he has a show in development about a bunch of whiners that hang around in a coffee shop all the time.....then he could tell Joey he's just not right for the part. Huh??

I really shouldn't complain but I think I'm losing my mind

I'm still in some of my regular clothes. Granted, I used to dress a bit like a skategrrl and my husband always laughs at my pants that are too big, but at 7+ months, I'm happy to still be in them.

So....I'm tinkling for perhaps the 21st time today and I lose the toilet paper. I go, blot (cuz frankly, I could just go and GO there is so little actual product....) and then somehow don't drop the paper at my normal time. I am doing the get up/drop maneuver that I've never ever had a problem with before and somehow the paper is lost. I look at the bowl, think 'what the hell??', spin around and realize the paper is lost. I feel between my legs, feel around the back, it is gone. I'm just starting to have serious doubts about the stability of the space time continuum when I see it sticking out the bottom of the left leg of my sweats.

Total mystery.

procrastination

Jen had a post this morning that really inspired me. It was all about the stupid things that people say to you surrounding pregnancy. I'm going to totally rip that idea and share a bit of the silliness that has come my way so far.....

1. A girl I have always had a bad taste for came up to me at a recent funeral and poked my belly. "Yes, I've gained weight," I said. She looked like she swallowed her tongue. I just let it hang :) Ha!

2. My mother called, frantic, with this:
mom: I know you've been tired and distracted. Have you been feeding the dogs?
me: I'm 7 months pregnant. Don't you think they would be dead by now if I haven't been feeding them?

3. The myriad of 'it only gets worse' helpful hints.....

My ankles have swollen a bit.
It only gets worse. My cousin knew a woman who had to have her ankles pierced and drained.

Um, thanks for asking but I'm having regular bowel movements.
It only gets worse. Wait until the hemorrhoids. I knew a girl from work who had to poop in the tub.

We're not finding out the sex. We're happy to be surprised.
It only gets worse. Boys are terrible to raise, so hyper. And heaven forbid it's a girl! She'll drive you batty for a solid ten years from 8 to 18.

I haven't gained too much weight.
It only gets worse. My manicurists sister-in-law gained 118 pounds in the last month and she's a latino like you.

We haven't really decided about our childbirthing methods. We plan to discuss that with our doctor.
It only gets worse. The doctors are so afraid of being sued that they do C-sections all day long. The recovery will be a nightmare. You'll wish you had never gone to the hospital. Let me give you the name of my dentist's receptionist's cleaning lady's midwife.

It's our first.
It only gets worse. Now you have to have another one and you're so old to be starting all this. Has anyone told you how exhausting this is??? Not to mention that kid will be a spoiled brat if you don't have another one.

Actually, I'm not really trying to hear about bad labor stories.
It only gets worse. I was in labor for 78 hours. Hard labor. They wouldn't let me have a cigarette break, either. Then I had to have a cesarean after all that. And then I had a reaction to the anesthesia. And then the baby was cholicy. And then my surgery site got infected and left me scarred for life. Wanna see?

I'm planning to stay home for at least 2 years.
It only gets worse. You'll go insane with a baby all day. You had better be careful that your husband doesn't start running with his bowling partner just to get away from you. You'll be cornering the mailman for intelligent conversation.

I usually just smile through the deluge of unsolicited horror stories. I think it's working but I do have this twitch over my right eye that just won't quit!

29 week check-up

weight gain: 12 pounds
glucose test: normal range
pee test: totally clear of protein and sugar
doctor: still cute as hell

It was uneventful, which is nice. He explained that my puffy ankles will be exacerbated by standing or sitting for long periods. I did a lot of both over the weekend. They are slowly going down. Thankfully.

My uterus is just over 28 centimeters and the baby is kicking like a donkey on amphetamines.

Speaking of drugs.....
The kid who housesits for us is usually a complete gem. This weekend every last one of my klonopin (also known as 'mom's coming for dinner' pills) has disappeared. And the empty container was left on the shelf. Bear hates anyone in our house when we're not here and this hasn't helped the situation at all.

Thoughts?

what a completely shitty week with the exception of a few excellent occurrences

*penny is sick*
Really sick. They are doing aggressive rounds of chemo. We went to her place this weekend and she wants her hair cut off before it falls out so I gave her the most adorable pixie that she passed out halfway through and Bear had to carry her up to bed. I'm so sad that my blood feels thicker and it hurts to run through my heart.

*my sister is in grave danger of flunking out of school and she's the smart one in the family

And is pissed at me for mentioning it every time I talk to her but I can't help myself. She will have to bust her ass for the next 3 weeks solid to have a glimmer of hope of pulling her classes out of the backed up men's toilet.

She called last night because she had a huge fight with our father who art not likely to see heaven...She's been telling him for weeks about my graduation. He finally got around to booking a ticket for her. My graduation is on a Sunday, and she is scheduled to fly in that Friday and leave at 6am on SUNDAY. When she told him, he yelled at her that she's stupid. We were sired by a man who may never mentally age past 12.

AND I now truly agonize over these situations because that is a direct line to the gene pool growing and kicking and breakdancing inside of me.

*mother has no intention of behaving but at least she's no longer armed*

She is ramping up for silliness when she sees my father for the first time in 38 years. She's still mad. Amazing. Who gives a fat rat's ass? You were 18. You had 2 kids with him. Aren't you a bit of a dumbass, too???!!!

I'm sick of parenting my parents. Anyone who pisses on my parade will be forcibly removed from the shindig so generously hosted by B.Diddy.

*i feel pregnant, in the inconvenient sort of way*

For seven months I was able to ignore the growing belly, the lack of appetite, the headaches....I basically felt like I had a bad hangover. Now I feel pregnant and that's a whole different ball game. I am ex.haust.ed. I have tired twitches; under my left eye, above my right eye, always running simultaneous game. It's driving me batshit.

This weekend my feet swelled up. My ankles were unrecognizable and my toes looked like those little sausages that are so neatly and repulsively lined up in glass jars in the "World Foods" section of the Stop&Shop. Lovely.

I had gained a total of 8 pounds in 7 months of pregnancy. Last week I gained 8 pounds then dropped 2 in a day. My body is out of control. I'm officially uncomfortable.

Did I mention the crying at the drop of a hat? I'm so knocked up I'm unrecognizable.

*this week's task list is actually impossible to complete without another month and a full staff*

Enough said about that one.

*the sliver of excellence*

My best friend swept the competition in the bodybuilding contest she was in this weekend. She won her age category, then her weight category, then the best overall female bodybuilder in Vermont. I'll post pictures tomorrow. She is awesome, she was coming back from a bad medical thingie, and she rocks the planet. With friends like her, it's okay that my entire family belongs on Jerry Springer.....

one more fun thing

I can no longer bend over. My belly gets in the way. And it makes me grunt cuz I always forget. Sexy...

just one more fun thing

Yesterday I put a classical CD in. I don't like to buy into the hype but Costco has Baby Einstein discs on sale and they had a nice selection of pieces I like so.... I did, in fact, physically buy into said hype. That's not the funny thing. The funny thing is that I popped a disc into the CD player in the kitchen and a fantastic drumroll blared out. "That's strange" I thought and then "Snoop Dog is in the mother fuckin' haaooouuuuusssseee" followed and I figured out that I put a disc on a disc.

Frankly, I think it's unfair for the child to expect some serene, classical music laden existence when in reality I start my day with Howard Stern and then listen to 70's schlock, Awesome 80's and a variety of top forty puke that I loveloveLOVE.

*sigh* Sure hope this all works out ok :)

free at last

The TBS Dawson's Creek marathon has finally rolled around to where I began watching it. To refresh your memories, I was too sick to blog, too sick to do anything but tinkle and let the dogs out and, one fateful day, I was too sick to change the channel. And they got me. Hooked like a junky. So for the last 4 months or so, I've been watching DC for 2 hours a day-5 days a week, much to my chagrin. I will keep half an eye on it to catch the end again. Perhaps with all 4 seasons of knowledge, I'll be able to understand why that stupid Joey keeps torturing the boys and why the boys keep putting up with her nonsense. Done!

And today is the day I finish with my Humanities papers. Whatever doesn't get finished, can't get turned in. I have had a delicious breakfast, courtesy of B.Diddy and now I am sitting in front of my puter, ready to roll. Speak at you later when I'm that much closer to being a college graduate :)

yowza....

I just found a totally compelling blog through a link from a link....I don't want to post it yet, I'm gonna watch for a while. It's someone who can't get pregnant. Someone who's had a bunch of IVF, miscarriages and general problems. It's someone who made me very sad for her.

B.Diddy (can't wait til this phase passes) and I have a dinner tradition. We don't say grace, but we do say what we're thankful for in the day.

Today, I'm thankful I'm pregnant. End of story. Because I never thought I'd have children so I didn't know how it would make me feel and so I never imagined it would make me feel so special. I'm the luckiest woman I know and that's a fact.

Just another relaxing day at the old homestead...

So, two days ago we went to the vet because Hobbes had somehow gotten a big scrape between his toes. Did I mention it? Well, I have to soak his foot, blow it dry and give him antibiotics. No biggie.

Today was a busy one. I went shopping and got the special marrow bones that the dogs love so much. B.Diddy gets home, finally, and I lay down on the couch for a quick rest before starting dinner. Jack wanders up to me and gives me the hangdog face. I notice that his bone, now devoid of marrow, is firmly stuck on his lower jaw. We try to pull it or twist it-not budging.

We just got back from the vet where we had an emergency visit to get it off. Then I took him for a creemee. He's okay now.....


*emergency trip to the vet after hours -- $50

*tip to the nice boy who handled him so quickly and gently -- $10

*catching your 'cooler than shit' dog with a bone stuck on his face --

PRICELESS