Jelly Bellys

This is my excellent brother-in-law. He's married to Bear's sister, referred to here as SIL. This picture was taken after the shower last weekend. SIL emailed it and probably didn't think it was intended for public consumption but, hell, I'm pregnant and bound to do crazy things!

My BIL is a funny dude. And very talented when it comes to rounding out those abs. And here I am in all my 8 1/2 month glory. I've been to Daytona so I have a little color and I did wear my bikini down there. Much fun, much fun.



I am all belly, as you can see. Happy as all hell and definitely scared. This should be interesting ;)

:: sometimes I just don't get him ::

Luckily, those moments are few and far between. I just left him downstairs, fully engrossed in Terminator III. In Spanish. I'm guessing you're guessing that he doesn't speak a word of Spanish. Still, unable to tear himself away. In his defense - there isn't much dialogue. But still....

sleep would be so lovely

I really shouldn't complain because I only have to get up once or twice during the night to tinkle. Of course, I've heard the horror stories of women who spent months on end in the bathroom-voiding. So, I'm not so much complaining as I am completely exhausted. AND I can't seem to sleep past the crack of dawn. I was up at 6 am today. THAT, my friends, is sleeping in. I definitely feel more possessed than ever lately....

all educated up and nowhere to go

I finished another shlock novel this morning. "Gideon." Can't really recommend it, but it is a nice beach read. Twisted little plot that sends you back to the scene of the wickedest twist to say, "Yeah, I really did read into that so it's conceivable that it went down like that." But what a stretch! Anyway, now that I'm officially magna cum educated all I do is clean the house and read bad novels. I wonder if I can get any of my money back.....

BB strikes again

Yeah, so, after allowing him to sleep in, I called again around 4pm.

BB: I was JUST gonna call you!

me: Really? I must be psychic.

BB: Yeah, uh, well, we were gonna mail the band flyers to Tennessee (for the upcoming stoner-fest that I can't remember the name of....) but it was going to cost $600 so me and EasyE are going to drive them to Tennessee.

me: Uh, it's going to cost $600 in gas to drive there and back!

BB: No it isn't. I'll definitely try to stop by on Sunday on the way through....or I'll be there next weekend to help with the nursery. Love you. *click*

Obviously he gets his logic skills from my mother. I guess I have to get to the place where I realize that I can really only count on a few people. Very few. One of them is sleeping so soundly in bed but I'm going to make him french toast and bring it to him there. Because I know that he's going to get up and do all the things that need to be done and he'll be pretty goddamned entertaining whilst doing it.

*sigh*

hoffman syndrome

Speaking of my funnyman..... He comes home yesterday from a new neurophysical (?) doctor as he tries and tries to recover from January's car accident.

Bear: This guy is so smart. He took out all these kinesiology books to show me exactly what he was talking about. And he did all these tests and showed me on a giant chart exactly how the nerve bundles grow from infancy through adulthood. It was fascinating!

me: *wrinkling forehead hoping I never have to go to this guy*

Bear: And he said I have 'Hoffman Syndrome.' You know what that is? (At this point he begins to hold his fingers up in weird configurations, flicking certain ones in an effort to recreated the tests the doc was doing. He looked silly.)

It means I'm hyper reflexive. The doc asked if I had superior hand eye coordination. ( I immediately thought of his drumming skills and juggling skills. Here's a hint: His drumming practice sessions are 40 second spats of drumming punctuated with loud "Fuck!"s when he misses something. His juggling, while impressive, causes the dogs to leave the room lest they be beaned again.)

me: Does this syndrome explain why you have to hang your mouth open for your hyper reflexivity super duper hand eye coordination to kick in?!

Evidently, there is no direct correlation. Go figure.

So.... I am going to ask Bear to put comments back on my page. I'm going to change it one more time if I can find a template I really like and I'm going to take a picture of our newly mango sanctuary :) Looks like another busy morning.

crap!

Um, so, I lost all the comments with this lime green phase of mine. It looks like the template should be relatively easy to manipulate so I took the plunge. Sorry. You know I find you all terribly fascinating. If my appt. is much later, I'll try to figure out which comments are best and add them...... just crap!

BB, or baby brother, update

Called him at 11:30. He's still in bed. Asked if I'd call back later. Suuuuure.

more showers in the forecast

My friends Sandra and Linda are hosting one on Sunday. Couples, BBQ by the famous Bacon Bill, and kids and others are invited. I am feeling okay about this one because the last one went so well. PLUS-mommie dearest won't be at this one....

I hate late

And my 11:30 is now 43 minutes late. I am always on time. Perhaps my haphazard childhood experiences with the arbitrarinous of "I'll be there to pick you up" has left scars. But I hate late. AND I usually have total attitude when the late one arrives. Palpable attitude. That I can't escape. Unattractive. Oh well. No one's perfect, right?!

for my next trick....

My next post will contain pictures and a few of the funny stories Bear thinks I should share.....

and for a nice change; anticlimax ;)

He walked into the bedroom and said, "The comforter looks different."

It took him a solid 30 seconds to notice the room was immaculate AND a completely different color. He's very tired and I am too so it's off to bed for us.

He did stop at the Body Shop for some delicious lotion for my feet AND he rubbed them for half an hour. *sigh* He is the best and I know he'll be an amazing father. Our little baby is going to be sooooo lucky.

AND...my brother just called to say he'll be here tomorrow. Can't wait! Or, yes I can....

I hate the new Blogger even more now

Did you know that if you make your first line bold, and then try to insert italics from the above simple and tempting menu, that all your writing disappears? Yah, me neither. Three times. Damnit!

I am being a very good wife today...

Bear has to be in New Hampshire today for some sort of secret thing. He could have a whole other family, but I know he needs lots of sleep so he probably doesn't have time...Anyway, where was I? Oh! We have been seriously discussing his rather high blood pressure and his need to get more/some exercise. At this point it just may be bugging him that I'm not blowing up like a Jiffy Pop popper. Allll belly. Almost cute, in an alien has taken over my body sort of way....

So, I recommended he walk Hobbes in the morning. I challenged him, I daresay. He bet me a crisp Benjamin that he would do it every day. I said 3 days a week is a nice start and the bet was on. Day one, it was over.

And I quote, "If I give you a hundred will you shut the fuck up and let me sleep?" At least that's what his growl sounded like. Well, I took that hundred and hired a friend of my SIL to paint our bedroom today, while Bear is off being a super spy. He is going to be so surprised and relieved. Our calendar for June has all the stuff we need to do to prepare for BabyM's arrival and our bedroom isn't even on it! It is the only room in the house that didn't get painted since we bought the place. The people we bought it from were a bit schkeevy so it's high time. It's going to be a deep marigold/mango sort of color. I hope he doesn't hate it. Maybe I'll take a picture and post it. Yeah, I should do that.....


A great picture that WILL be posted tomorrow was sent by said SIL. Her husband can blow out his belly to look like he's pregnant. After the shower when he and Bear descended for left-overs, we posed with our bellies touching. Fun stuff. I am lucky in in-laws, I'll tell you!

by the by

My brother is officially 11 days late to come and help me box books. He does call every few days to say he's on his way, so I know he's alive. But 11 days? What the hell?

june showers bring well dressed babies...

Really quickly cuz I'm exhausted and headed for bed. My fabulous MIL and equally fabulous SIL threw me an unbelievable baby shower. I usually hate the things, but this one was so nice I hardly seemed to notice where I was :) Great food and when I was done opening gifts my SIL had written what each person gifted us on the back of their envelope. She is an organizational maven.

My mother was 1.5 hours late. She wanted a haircut and I insisted on a full hour of playtime for her ridiculously poorly behaved dog before I was comfortable leaving them alone. She got here 20 minutes before I had to walk out the door. I had a total meltdown, with sobs and difficulty breathing.

me (after I had calmed myself down): You know this is difficult for me and I'm uncomfortable. I really needed you to be on time today. That's why I'm so upset.
mother: Well, I can't be responsible for the traffic.
me: You needed to leave plenty of time for incidentals so this wouldn't happen.
mother: I did leave plenty of time.
me: OBVIOUSLY you did not.
mother: Well, I did.

Fuck sensible conversations and honesty. I'm going to start busting her in the chops. Ugh, I'll tell all tomorrow. Tonight-I must rest and snuggle my wonderful husband.

Sleep tight.

BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN

Sorry for the long absence. My heart is a bit fonder for it, how about yours?!

I'll ease in today and then try to be more consistent. I'm at that lovely stage of just frigging exhausted all the time. I wake up tired in the morning and tired after a nap and ready to fall into bed every night. Fun stuff.

So...

You know I have a pitbull, Hobbes. He is nicknamed the Bunny Man because he is such a snuggle face. When I woke up for the second time** today, he gets up from the end of the bed and comes around for a look-see. So he walked around my feet and up the right edge of the bed to swing around for my morning face wash. During the execution of his edge pirouette his tail hit the lampshade on the bedside table. He is a bit skittish. Well, the sound/sensation scared the Bunny Man and he leapt straight up into the air about 2.5 feet off the bed and right over me and almost off the other side. I was hysterical. I love that crazy mutt. Endlessly entertaining.

** I woke up the first time today at 3am sharp. Bear was sound asleep and laughing his head off. Really laughing. Hard! I couldn't get back to sleep so I wrote some thank you notes from graduation. I wonder what the heck was so funny!

Uh, testing....

But Seriously, now...

Tonight I'll try to post about how advanced paternal age is affecting me.
For example: lately, I have found myself imagining how life will be with the nugget and thinking about things we may do together, and how great our family is, and... I get all teary. And, I'm getting this "monetary" or "provider" instinct thing kicking in - similar I guess to N's "nesting" phase (she's making a pantry in the basement among other things). It's kinda weird. I can't wait!

Quantum Physics is funny!

Characters

Doh - our customer service rep. Nice woman, very friendly, and definitely "airy". Long black hair, about 5' tall, approx. 35 - 40ish.

Ray - a recent hire who is a non-condescending and brilliant physicist from a top 10 University. An odd duck, for sure, but really fun and wacky with all of his quirks and the stereotypical "scientist aura". Dark, swept-back crazy hair. About 5'9" tall, heavy Bronx accent, approx. 40 - 45ish.

Me - laid back and goofy. Does not take "the professional workplace" thing too seriously. Physics guy from a bottom 10 University. Short blonde hair, 6'3" tall, precisely 36.9205 years old. (Three points to those who send me bday greetings on the right day!)

Scene

Where:
A technology-based security company. Not rent-a-cop security, but security as in anti-counterfeiting technologies for *SECRET STUFF GOES HERE*. High profile clients, serious old-school, conservative management. Stuffy upper brass. Two people out of 150 that understand the cutting-edge stuff that makes our products highly un-counterfeit-able: Me + Ray.

When:
Day of first meeting with a materials company that utilizes "quantum dots", which are discrete semiconductor clusters about the size of cigarette smoke particles (10-50 nm). These things have unique properties that make them attractive as "locks" in electronically monitored products so we are evaluating the physical specs. and determining how to modify them at the atomic level so they readily attach themselves to the molecules in our specialized...goo. Blah, blah, blah. A typical workday.

Act 1
Hallway outside the cafeteria...

Me: Hey, Ray. Are you ready for this meeting?

Ray: Oh! Yah, Oh yah - definitely. I mean, FINALLY! An interesting technology we can look at.*Positions feet too close together for proper balance and sweeps left hand through hair. Teeters a bit as he lifts the coffee to his lips*

Me: Yah, I know. So much boring bullshit - I love working on the fun stuff... So, I was thinking about this quantum well effect, and I can't really conceptualize how the cluster size affects the energy states like this.*Refers to diagram in a journal article.*

Ray: You mean the quantum confinement...*smiles devilishly* The "well effect" is only a model that describes binding energy - it's the same with intermolecular forces. The quantum confinement, however, is restricted to the cluster. The photons add energy to the system that elevates the electron energy states, and this altered state causes binding reconfiguration and dissipates energy through thermal relaxation and causes *SECRET INFO GOES HERE*.*Puts coffee down to make wild hand gestures with both hands, because he got frustrated trying to "show" an electron energy shell in an atom with only one hand.*

Me: Oh. Duh...

Ray: Ha Ha Ha!!!*Stamps foot*. What - did you forget this stuff!? It's basic physics, man!

Me: Noo!*Wrinkles brow and smiles in embarrassment. Looks down and toes floor tile with foot* I mean, I read through the literature, and they treated this entirely with mathematical models - there wasn't any reference to the real structure of these things. I'm thinking in terms of the quantum well effect and discrete states *does air quotes* based on the radius-of-the-Bohr-atom treatment... I'm thinking in terms of the models... I just confused the math with the reality, I guess.

Doh: *Pouring coffee into her cup* I'll say! You guys are such NERDS! Can I come to your meeting? It sounds like so much fun! *makes the stick-your-finger-down-your-throat puking gesture. Smiles broadly*

Ray: Ha Ha Ha! I'm not a nerd! HE'S a nerd! *Points to me, giggles slurpily after sipping coffee*

Me: *Stands super-erect, purses lips and makes "nerd face"* Neep! Neep! I'm a nerd. Ray says so... Ray's not a nerd.*sarcastic* Definitely not a nerd.*Rainman voice*

Doh: You guys are weird...*Walks out and back to office.*

Act 2
-Meeting takes place-

Act 3
In mailroom after meeting

Me: *Leaning on copier*So, isn't this cool? I think it will work, but I'm really worried about the *SECRET* problem. Did you hear me hammer on that point?*Smiles conspiratorially.* And man, you killed them on the specificity issue! The guy's smart, though. He knows his shit.

Ray: *Standing in middle of aisle, feet too close together.* Oh, yah. He knows what's goin' on.

Doh: *Walking through, smiling.* Sooo!!! How was the meeting? Did I miss anything? Maybe I can see your notes? *Kidding.*

Me: Well, I'd show you my notes, but they're really small.*Scale of atom joke*

Ray: Ha Ha!!*Points at me, laughing REALLY loud.* That's FUNNY. You're funny... that's a good one...

Doh: *Wrinkles brow in confusion. Looks questioningly back and forth between Ray and Me.*

Me: ...And I am uncertain of their location!*A joke based on the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle*

Ray: HAH HAH HAH!!!*Points at me, laughing REALLY, REALLY loud.* Another one!! You're on a roll! Ha Ha HAH!!!

Doh: *Wrinkles brow in confusion. Shaking head, walks out silently.*

Me: I'm definitely a nerd.*Smiles.*

THE END

See? Quantum Physics is funny!!

BARF

Hey! I commandeered N's blog again! This is actually fun - I like keeping it alive while the wife relaxes herself on Daytona Beach. You are all loyal fans of AMA, and you can't let down the fans, right?!

So I dedicate this entry to you.

On the home front there is not much going on other than working and taking care of Mo & Ron. I told N today that I feel like a single dad - running around, trying to take care of the kids in the morning, running off to work, rushing home to take care of the kids again, "cooking" (means eating food that is, at that present moment, ready to be eaten through no effort on my part. Or at least close to this.), feeding the kids, cleaning (the Nursery, remember?), going to sleep, waking up, etc., ad nauseam.

It is a sucky way to live. PLEASE COME HOME SOON!! But I say that more because I just miss you...

Speaking of feeding Frick & Frack, there is a story that you might find amusing: We adhere to a dog food diet that is referred to as BARF, which is an acronym that gets an A++ from me. Some funny bastard came up with that one! You see, I say this because it means Biologically Appropriate Raw Food, and the underlying theory is that it is most healthful for a dog to present the type of food he would eat in his natural environment. And I like the idea, because if you think about it, dogs, although probably lingering around human campsites and such for tens if not hundreds of thousands of years, have only relatively recently been domesticated. So the more natural diet is that of a wild dog, which over eons has evolved to be a scrappy scrounger that eats small game and whatever else it can find.

So, the BARF diet consists of raw meat, some type of enzyme-y material, a grain, and processed vegetables. The vegetables are required because the rabbit eats the grass, the dog eats the rabbit, etc. But the raw meat? Nasty! The recommended meat is raw chicken, bones and all. Yes, you were told never to give chicken bones to a dog, because it would choke them or puncture their guts, blah, blah, blah. Which is correct - if the bones are cooked. Raw bones are pretty flexible and they are completely digested by the dog. Believe me on that one. Also, they contain essential fats in the marrow that the dogs need to get. So we use raw chicken necks - sometimes, accidentally, there are a few heads in the 40lb box, too. OOooommph! It's the weirdest thing: I can handle the necks with or without gloves, but I won't touch the heads. It just seems really different even though, if you think about it, what's the difference? It's just another part of a dead, chopped-up chicken, right? WRONG! I won't touch them.
So that's where "barf" comes in. Get it?

By the way, I'm still working on my "amusing story" - it's just that it requires a little setting up, that's all...

Soooo, the enzyme-y stuff is yogurt (they prefer vanilla!) and we don't so often include the vegetables because that's just how it's done. The grain comes in the form of Grape-Nuts, or less expensive Nutty Nuggets from Stop&Shop. I typically mix up a yogurt -n- Nutty Nugget paste and apply it over chicken necks, but I don't let it touch the bowl so much because it then tends to get licked into the corner of the bowl and Mo gets all weird if he can't eat at 200 mph!

Monday night, I get home and change my clothes. I decide I should feed the nuggs early so they can have some time to digest a bit and then go outside to "do their business". Only I was out of cereal and out of yogurt. What was I thinking last time when I finished them off? Duh. Oh well, I can improvise, right? It's sort of like organic chemistry, but you eat it, right? Sooooooo....lets see.....ummmmmmmm, an old Ultra Slim Fast? Perfect. Ummmmmmmm, some kibble (for mom-in-law's dog)? O.K., good. Now....ummmmm, what else? I've got it! Some flax meal! Yah, they'll like that - it sounds good to me. So I mix up the shake, the kibble, and the flax meal. But it then gets thick and sticky, like cookie dough or something. Let's see...what else, what else? Ah ha! Peanut butter! Everyone knows that dogs love peanut butter! In goes the peanut butter. But it's still kinda thick. Well, at this point all I've got to work with are my rudimentary cooking skills based on masterful creations such as Eggs a la Bear, and PB & H. The H is for Honey! Yum!

In goes the honey. Stir it all up, dab across a bed of succulent and firm raw chicken necks, and serve chilled.

I think they broke all previous speed-eating records which were, by the way, already pretty impressive. So I thought I did a good job: I encountered an obstacle, I adapted and improvised, and the problem was solved. Or was it just beginning? Hmmmmmmm...

Only after arriving home from work yesterday did I discover, to my horror, what flax meal, slim fast, kibble, peanut butter, and honey do to a dog's digestive system...

BARF! Not them. Me - when I found all the little presents that Mo left for me on the carpet. Man, I felt really bad for him - he must have been so tortured to do that, thinking he would get in trouble but having no choice. So I acted like nothing happened and when they went outside I cleaned it up. Ironically, yesterday I arrived home with the new supply of yogurt and Nutty Nuggets, but it was tooooooooo late.

Well, I'm done for now, so I'll have to tell you about the quantum physics jokes tomorrow. Absolutely nothing to do with advanced maternal age, but what do I know about that?

B.Diddy's in da Houuuuuuuuse!

Okay!!

I just couldn't take it anymore. My lovely, wonderful (and BIG!!) wife hasn't posted in a long time, and there is so much going on... Come to think of it, maybe that's why we haven't heard from her in a while.

Every day at work I go to Advanced Maternal Age to see what aspects of our life are posted for the world's amusement. Not that I mind - she does tend to keep a lid on things. The funniest stuff (most of which she doesn't share) is typically the most embarrassing for me, as the following equation describes:

[(me + some social situation) / my smoothness] x cluelessness = hilarity

It's all there. Hilarity is inversely proportional to my (lack of) smoothness, and directly proportional to my social cluelessness. I am exaggerating, though - I'm not THAT much of a dork! Our life in general is fun and funny things happen to us - but that's on purpose. We make it that way. Some stories she may tell someday:

1) Where's My Thingie?
2) B...., You Remember Me, Right?
3) Is It Real?
4) Leigh's Not Black?!?!
5) I Feel GREAT!!!
6) You Don't Want Chardonnay, You Want Ziff!
7) If I Run Faster and Get My Butt Lower, I Can Catch My Tail!!!
8) Poop Crop Circles
9a) I'm Battling a Small Fire...
9b) Well, Let me Put It This Way: Basically, Your Husband Answered the Door...
10) Shut Up or I'm Gonna Break Your Hip!
11) The Branch Won't Hit the House, Right??
12a) Just Throw Some Limes On It!
12b) The Weeds Are Comin' Through the Con-Creek...
12c) I'm Gonna Trim Back The Bushes a Bit...
13) Alright! Finally! This Is The Perfect Color For the Living Room!!
14) I'm SOOO Anal!
15) Don't You Want To Live in a 500 Year-Old Castle With Me?
16) This Is Nas-tee!!
17) Umm, Um. Okay..Greeaat.
18) 135 "Uhs" in 20 Minutes = 6.75 [Uhs/min]
19) Honey, Would You FedEx My ID To Me?
20) Ahg! Ptu! What's This In My Oyster? (not funny, just a nice story)
(21) I Like That Kooky, Kooky Eye...

And so on, and so forth. There are SO many good stories!

Now, back to the present day.
N is presently in Daytona, FL visiting her "Mother's Most Recent Ex-Husband" and his mom, or her Dad and Grandmother, in our vernacular. She is missing me (and I, her) but having a good time in the sun, renting recumbent bikes to cruise on the beach, swimming, chilling out, etc. She does deserve the rest though, because...

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She GRADUATED COLLEGE LAST WEEK!!!!

YAY!!! WOO-HOOO!!!!

B.A., Humanities
Magna Cum Laude
Alpha Sigma Lambda National Honor Society

...and her worst grade of all her college classes? A B in WATERCOLORS 1 !!!!!!
I like her paintings, though. I can't imagine what the other people got!!

Anyhow, we had a perfect, sunny, breezy day for the commencement (of course I got a sunburn) and we had a really nice party for her at a friend's restaurant in New Haven right afterwards. The highlight of the party, though, was that her Mom and Dad, who haven't seen each other in 38 YEARS, were actually going to be in the same room at the same time - with witnesses!! Of course there was much speculation and side betting... I think the odds favored Mom - bigger gun & less inclined to stand down - but I didn't get involved. However, a lot of people lost money because nothing happened. They didn't even speak to each other! Whew!!

A lot of friends and family came in from out of state - it was really nice. One of her profs. was there with his wife and he was telling us how N was the best student he had...ever! See, I always had a weakness for the smart ones!

Now, it's on to Yale. I'm pushing Yale - she is certainly the type of student they are looking for: really smart, really liberal, really outgoing, and of superior character. And a really dedicated, hard worker. Plus, the Yale campus is 5 minutes down the road. Yup - she's going to shake things up in those ivy covered halls...

We think she will be able to phase into a Masters program after the Little Bean is a couple or three years old. After that, I go back to school to finish my education. This, though, is a long and dreary tale that I won't bore you with...

I am curious: does anyone know someone who went back to graduate school in their late 30's / early 40's? If so, how did they do it? I'm interested in hearing how others have pulled this off...

Now I'm WAY off topic!! So, back to the business at hand: N is feeling pretty good except she doesn't have the appetite required to eat enough to gain the doctor-prescribed one-pound-per-week. So she's going for the most calorie-laden food she can. Her ankles and hands are swelling, so she has to try to keep them elevated to keep this under control. I think that her "pee-thing" is better (feeling like she has to go, but it being a false alarm), but maybe it isn't and she just got tired of telling me...

We are still working on the names thing - I didn't realize how hard this could be! There are SO MANY reasons why certain names aren't "good" - same name as people you hate, same name as family member, name is too common, name is too obscure, name initials spell sex-oriented or other "difficult" words (RIM, RAM, REM, DIM, DUM, HUM, CUM), etc. Obviously, we're stuck with "M" as a last initial.

Second question: Does anyone have an idea for a COOL three-letter-set of initials (that ends in "M")? Maybe we can work backwards from that...

Finally, the Nursery. The Nursery. Yep, the Nursery. It used to be our office, and now it's not. We still need to clean it out and paint it. The problem is getting all of our books out. HUNDREDS of books! THOUSANDS of books! Well, maybe not thousands but...SHIT! My books all weigh twelve pounds apiece (mostly physics and optics texts), N has every dictionary ever published, we have just about all the "Dummies" and "Idiots" books, most all of the Calvin & Hobbes books, generalized science books (me), generalized literature books (N), advanced mathematics books (me), tons of self help / self actualization / self diagnostic / self destruction books (me & N); Flash, HTML, C++, Visual C++, LabView, DreamWeaver, PhotoShop, Illustrator, Cold Fusion, etc. books; dog training books, "How to Organize Your Books" books, and now, finally, child birthing / raising / attachment / detachment / potty training / development / caring for / education books.

We've got it ALL. And it's all got to go downstairs. Two flights down. And it's all got to be put in the new bookshelves. That I haven't built yet. Ugh...

Which reminds me of arguably the BEST story of all:

22) What's "Ugh"?

Now, that's the one I think she should tell you next!

I have to get back to work now. These morons don't understand their own IP and need me to tell them how to make a product for a major client such that it will be completely covered by our patents. And this will be an additional $10M account on top of the large $$ business we currently have with this client. The funnier one is the $30M account we're trying to land that we keep doing wrong again, and again, and again... But this isn't MY blog, so I'll spare you from all this.

Bear
previously known as B.Diddy

I just love the crack of dawn, don't you?

My brother, the near deaf, arrived yesterday. I love that kid so much it makes my heart squeeze. He, like me pre-pregnancy, doesn't sleep so I know I can go wake him up and he'll hang with me before this crazy day gets rolling. We're having 8 for brunch, and then another 8 for dinner. Should be interesting....

Big kids

We spent over 2 hours at BabiesRUs yesterday. My SIL informed Bear that we were nowhere near finished registering and our registry certainly needed some work. It did so we went. On a Saturday. The day before Mother's Day. Hello, could we get any stupider??!!

A post for another day will be all the crap you 'are supposed to have' for a baby. For this morning I'd just like to tell you all in Blogsylvania one thing. They give you a scanner so you can add things to your registry with ease. They give you directions like: can't scan sale or seasonal items, to register for multiples-scan multiple times, to delete the last item scanned you need to scan the delete code from the sheet on the clipboard. I took the clipboard; all loaded up with my measly choices and a thick shock of suggestions. Bear took the scanner.

*beep*
bear: Oops.
me: C'mon honey. Don't mess around.
bear: I'm not. I'm just making sure it's calibrated right. Can I see the delete code?
me:.....
*beep*

*beep*
me: What are you scanning in??!!
bear: I was just testing if you really couldn't scan sale items. You can scan this one! Can I see the delete code?
*beep*

*beep*
me: I'm looking at the suggestions. What are you adding to the registry??!!
bear: I just wanted to see how far away it can pick up a UPC code. Can I see the delete code?
*beep*

*beep*
bear: Total accident, I swear.
me: Give me the scanner.
*beep

So, he almost made it an entire aisle without losing scanner privileges. Frankly, that wasn't bad.

Hop Hop, Easter Bunny

We finally figured out why Jack is so interested in a clump of evergreens in the way backyard. Evidently there is a warren of rabbits living there. Tiny, perfectly formed, multi-colored little bunny rabbits-judging from the one in his mouth when he came in last night.

We don't put the dogs out, mostly because we'd never see Jack again. We take them out about 20 times a day. You have to stand on the back porch and monitor their activities. No fighting. No rolling in smelly stuff. No digging at the fence. Here, here, here, here and it's a successful outing. Unfortunately these dogs treat our backyard like some sort of wild game preserve.

Their kill list to date:
bunnies ( a few)
birdies (a few)
squirrels (again, a few)
and one nasty looking possum.

The cops had to come over and shoot the latter. Did I tell you about that?

So, happy mother's day. I have to go switch the laundry, iron some napkins and hit the grocery store before it gets bananas there. My nugget has been kicking up a storm and each shot to the ribs makes me smile.

Yeah, I think I'm ready.

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Yesterday I got mad. Really mad. Mad enough to spit. On someone....

I was at the Mobil station along the highway. Gas is always a bit higher there but if you're stupid enough to get on a highway without fuel, you deserve to pay the premium, right?

So, I'm in line and the white dude in a fishing hat in front of me says:

dude: I got gas in Greenwich yesterday. It was $2.15 a gallon! And it was at a Mobil, too.

me: That's odd. I thought they were regulated within certain areas,

dude: Well, the guy was an A-rab so I guess he was having a good laugh at our expense.

This is where my head blew off. The lovely black girl behind the counter recognized the purple flush of my face and half smiled, wondering what was next. This was next....

me: An Arab? How did you know? Did you discuss his heritage with him?

dude: Well, middle eastern, whatever. They're all the same, having a laugh at our expense.

me: Perhaps you'd care to pick up a newspaper while you're here and perhaps EDUCATE yourself a little bit. This whole war, that we don't belong in, is not a laughing matter to anyone.

dude: I'm just saying. I miss the good old days when everyone was either english or irish or (casts a look at the counter girl) African American. You know, you could tell what someone was by looking at them.

me: Yes. It is much easier to hate along racial lines when they are clear for you.

At this point I pushed past him, put my $20 on the counter and said, "Fucking asshole."

I am not normally good with racism. I believe in confronting it when I come upon it. I don't swear, but rather point out the offending comment and try to educate this person as to why it is hurtful. Yesterday I just wanted to bust this fuckwad in the mouth. I was mad for an hour afterward. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

thank goodness we have a bazillion dollars worth of television equipment

We had a really nice night together last night. Bear came home, showered and changed into some velour sweats and he set up the digital recorder on our giant television to record the 2 hours of Friends. Then we, ah, took a happy break and then had a lovely dinner of steak, broccoli, squash and baked potatoes. We then retired to the TV room to watch Friends, sans expensive commercials, from the recording as the show zipped on ahead of us.

I'm no fanatic and I haven't seen it much in the last 2 years because of my school schedule, but I'm not ashamed to say I think it's a clever show. I am a bit invested in the characters and do have my own wishes for the fates of the cast members. That said, I was so excited to be home and available and accompanied by my favorite person to watch the finale.

We watch the first hour. We're able to back up and enjoy particularly funny moments again. We pause and go upstairs to make ice cream sundaes. We settle back on the couch. Life is good. Although it takes 4 remotes, a virtual reality suit and foot pedals to control the myriad of functions of the TV, sound system and digital recorder, Bear is up for the job. He's whirring and spinning and flicking buttons like a pro.

It's the last minutes of the show. Monica and Chandler are all packed up. The air is thick with emotions and poignant witticisms. What I assume to be very close to the end, Joey crosses his arms and says, ".........

This is where his taping shuts off. He looks at me. I look at him.

bear: Uh, I programmed it to go 2 minutes over in either direction.
me: ...
bear: Oh well. You basically know how it ends, right?

So, if anyone knows what happened in the last 2 minutes of a show that I have watched FOR TEN FRICKIN YEARS THAT MY HUSBAND CUT THE TAPING SHORT ON.... please divulge.

***

Speaking of Friends.... I wonder how 'Joey' will do. He's a goon, but does that make for a fun 17 minutes? I was thinking it would be great for Gunther to show up in Hollywood, all tricked out and super successful cuz he has a show in development about a bunch of whiners that hang around in a coffee shop all the time.....then he could tell Joey he's just not right for the part. Huh??

I really shouldn't complain but I think I'm losing my mind

I'm still in some of my regular clothes. Granted, I used to dress a bit like a skategrrl and my husband always laughs at my pants that are too big, but at 7+ months, I'm happy to still be in them.

So....I'm tinkling for perhaps the 21st time today and I lose the toilet paper. I go, blot (cuz frankly, I could just go and GO there is so little actual product....) and then somehow don't drop the paper at my normal time. I am doing the get up/drop maneuver that I've never ever had a problem with before and somehow the paper is lost. I look at the bowl, think 'what the hell??', spin around and realize the paper is lost. I feel between my legs, feel around the back, it is gone. I'm just starting to have serious doubts about the stability of the space time continuum when I see it sticking out the bottom of the left leg of my sweats.

Total mystery.

procrastination

Jen had a post this morning that really inspired me. It was all about the stupid things that people say to you surrounding pregnancy. I'm going to totally rip that idea and share a bit of the silliness that has come my way so far.....

1. A girl I have always had a bad taste for came up to me at a recent funeral and poked my belly. "Yes, I've gained weight," I said. She looked like she swallowed her tongue. I just let it hang :) Ha!

2. My mother called, frantic, with this:
mom: I know you've been tired and distracted. Have you been feeding the dogs?
me: I'm 7 months pregnant. Don't you think they would be dead by now if I haven't been feeding them?

3. The myriad of 'it only gets worse' helpful hints.....

My ankles have swollen a bit.
It only gets worse. My cousin knew a woman who had to have her ankles pierced and drained.

Um, thanks for asking but I'm having regular bowel movements.
It only gets worse. Wait until the hemorrhoids. I knew a girl from work who had to poop in the tub.

We're not finding out the sex. We're happy to be surprised.
It only gets worse. Boys are terrible to raise, so hyper. And heaven forbid it's a girl! She'll drive you batty for a solid ten years from 8 to 18.

I haven't gained too much weight.
It only gets worse. My manicurists sister-in-law gained 118 pounds in the last month and she's a latino like you.

We haven't really decided about our childbirthing methods. We plan to discuss that with our doctor.
It only gets worse. The doctors are so afraid of being sued that they do C-sections all day long. The recovery will be a nightmare. You'll wish you had never gone to the hospital. Let me give you the name of my dentist's receptionist's cleaning lady's midwife.

It's our first.
It only gets worse. Now you have to have another one and you're so old to be starting all this. Has anyone told you how exhausting this is??? Not to mention that kid will be a spoiled brat if you don't have another one.

Actually, I'm not really trying to hear about bad labor stories.
It only gets worse. I was in labor for 78 hours. Hard labor. They wouldn't let me have a cigarette break, either. Then I had to have a cesarean after all that. And then I had a reaction to the anesthesia. And then the baby was cholicy. And then my surgery site got infected and left me scarred for life. Wanna see?

I'm planning to stay home for at least 2 years.
It only gets worse. You'll go insane with a baby all day. You had better be careful that your husband doesn't start running with his bowling partner just to get away from you. You'll be cornering the mailman for intelligent conversation.

I usually just smile through the deluge of unsolicited horror stories. I think it's working but I do have this twitch over my right eye that just won't quit!

29 week check-up

weight gain: 12 pounds
glucose test: normal range
pee test: totally clear of protein and sugar
doctor: still cute as hell

It was uneventful, which is nice. He explained that my puffy ankles will be exacerbated by standing or sitting for long periods. I did a lot of both over the weekend. They are slowly going down. Thankfully.

My uterus is just over 28 centimeters and the baby is kicking like a donkey on amphetamines.

Speaking of drugs.....
The kid who housesits for us is usually a complete gem. This weekend every last one of my klonopin (also known as 'mom's coming for dinner' pills) has disappeared. And the empty container was left on the shelf. Bear hates anyone in our house when we're not here and this hasn't helped the situation at all.

Thoughts?

what a completely shitty week with the exception of a few excellent occurrences

*penny is sick*
Really sick. They are doing aggressive rounds of chemo. We went to her place this weekend and she wants her hair cut off before it falls out so I gave her the most adorable pixie that she passed out halfway through and Bear had to carry her up to bed. I'm so sad that my blood feels thicker and it hurts to run through my heart.

*my sister is in grave danger of flunking out of school and she's the smart one in the family

And is pissed at me for mentioning it every time I talk to her but I can't help myself. She will have to bust her ass for the next 3 weeks solid to have a glimmer of hope of pulling her classes out of the backed up men's toilet.

She called last night because she had a huge fight with our father who art not likely to see heaven...She's been telling him for weeks about my graduation. He finally got around to booking a ticket for her. My graduation is on a Sunday, and she is scheduled to fly in that Friday and leave at 6am on SUNDAY. When she told him, he yelled at her that she's stupid. We were sired by a man who may never mentally age past 12.

AND I now truly agonize over these situations because that is a direct line to the gene pool growing and kicking and breakdancing inside of me.

*mother has no intention of behaving but at least she's no longer armed*

She is ramping up for silliness when she sees my father for the first time in 38 years. She's still mad. Amazing. Who gives a fat rat's ass? You were 18. You had 2 kids with him. Aren't you a bit of a dumbass, too???!!!

I'm sick of parenting my parents. Anyone who pisses on my parade will be forcibly removed from the shindig so generously hosted by B.Diddy.

*i feel pregnant, in the inconvenient sort of way*

For seven months I was able to ignore the growing belly, the lack of appetite, the headaches....I basically felt like I had a bad hangover. Now I feel pregnant and that's a whole different ball game. I am ex.haust.ed. I have tired twitches; under my left eye, above my right eye, always running simultaneous game. It's driving me batshit.

This weekend my feet swelled up. My ankles were unrecognizable and my toes looked like those little sausages that are so neatly and repulsively lined up in glass jars in the "World Foods" section of the Stop&Shop. Lovely.

I had gained a total of 8 pounds in 7 months of pregnancy. Last week I gained 8 pounds then dropped 2 in a day. My body is out of control. I'm officially uncomfortable.

Did I mention the crying at the drop of a hat? I'm so knocked up I'm unrecognizable.

*this week's task list is actually impossible to complete without another month and a full staff*

Enough said about that one.

*the sliver of excellence*

My best friend swept the competition in the bodybuilding contest she was in this weekend. She won her age category, then her weight category, then the best overall female bodybuilder in Vermont. I'll post pictures tomorrow. She is awesome, she was coming back from a bad medical thingie, and she rocks the planet. With friends like her, it's okay that my entire family belongs on Jerry Springer.....

one more fun thing

I can no longer bend over. My belly gets in the way. And it makes me grunt cuz I always forget. Sexy...

just one more fun thing

Yesterday I put a classical CD in. I don't like to buy into the hype but Costco has Baby Einstein discs on sale and they had a nice selection of pieces I like so.... I did, in fact, physically buy into said hype. That's not the funny thing. The funny thing is that I popped a disc into the CD player in the kitchen and a fantastic drumroll blared out. "That's strange" I thought and then "Snoop Dog is in the mother fuckin' haaooouuuuusssseee" followed and I figured out that I put a disc on a disc.

Frankly, I think it's unfair for the child to expect some serene, classical music laden existence when in reality I start my day with Howard Stern and then listen to 70's schlock, Awesome 80's and a variety of top forty puke that I loveloveLOVE.

*sigh* Sure hope this all works out ok :)

free at last

The TBS Dawson's Creek marathon has finally rolled around to where I began watching it. To refresh your memories, I was too sick to blog, too sick to do anything but tinkle and let the dogs out and, one fateful day, I was too sick to change the channel. And they got me. Hooked like a junky. So for the last 4 months or so, I've been watching DC for 2 hours a day-5 days a week, much to my chagrin. I will keep half an eye on it to catch the end again. Perhaps with all 4 seasons of knowledge, I'll be able to understand why that stupid Joey keeps torturing the boys and why the boys keep putting up with her nonsense. Done!

And today is the day I finish with my Humanities papers. Whatever doesn't get finished, can't get turned in. I have had a delicious breakfast, courtesy of B.Diddy and now I am sitting in front of my puter, ready to roll. Speak at you later when I'm that much closer to being a college graduate :)

yowza....

I just found a totally compelling blog through a link from a link....I don't want to post it yet, I'm gonna watch for a while. It's someone who can't get pregnant. Someone who's had a bunch of IVF, miscarriages and general problems. It's someone who made me very sad for her.

B.Diddy (can't wait til this phase passes) and I have a dinner tradition. We don't say grace, but we do say what we're thankful for in the day.

Today, I'm thankful I'm pregnant. End of story. Because I never thought I'd have children so I didn't know how it would make me feel and so I never imagined it would make me feel so special. I'm the luckiest woman I know and that's a fact.

Just another relaxing day at the old homestead...

So, two days ago we went to the vet because Hobbes had somehow gotten a big scrape between his toes. Did I mention it? Well, I have to soak his foot, blow it dry and give him antibiotics. No biggie.

Today was a busy one. I went shopping and got the special marrow bones that the dogs love so much. B.Diddy gets home, finally, and I lay down on the couch for a quick rest before starting dinner. Jack wanders up to me and gives me the hangdog face. I notice that his bone, now devoid of marrow, is firmly stuck on his lower jaw. We try to pull it or twist it-not budging.

We just got back from the vet where we had an emergency visit to get it off. Then I took him for a creemee. He's okay now.....


*emergency trip to the vet after hours -- $50

*tip to the nice boy who handled him so quickly and gently -- $10

*catching your 'cooler than shit' dog with a bone stuck on his face --

PRICELESS

and I think to myself, what a wonderful world....

We watched 'Bowling for Columbine' in Humanities last night. I cried in a roomful of near strangers. If you haven't seen it, please do.

me and b


This is at my friend's wedding. I wish it was in color cuz I'm wearing blue tuile with matching robin's egg blue nail polish. My outfit rocked....

OH! I forgot about the funny story that goes with this. This function was one of the first times a large group of my friends got to meet/size up my new man. I was doing the hair and makeup for the wedding party so I left Bear, oops, B.Diddy to his own devices, with some minor suggestions...

me: Hon, do you want to double check that your suit is ok, you have a shirt you like, all the accessories are packed?

bear: I am a big boy. I am capable of packing for myself.

Okey-dokey. I didn't know him then like I know him now.....We get to the backside of the moon in Maine. I unpack steamers, makeup trunks, hair equip. He is in charge of our clothing bags. Great. Smooth. No worries.

Jump to the morning of the wedding. It is looking rainy and my bride is starting to get class A bitchy. I get her ready and have my usual 20 minutes to prepare. B.Diddy has showered and is reading on the porch. I urge him upstairs to dress.

bear: No worries, honey bunny. I'm ready to go.

We head upstairs and I go into the bathroom and he unzips his garment bag. From our bedroom I hear his deep, rumbley voice...

bear: That's odd. I always pack my pants with my jackets.

You guessed it. He didn't have his suit pants. He ended up wearing some other pants that weren't perfect, but they were passable. I had visions of jeans with a suit jacket. Granted, there are worse things, but not on that particular day. NOW I know just how crazy life with him can be :)

I ain't missin' you at all

Remember that 80's song? I loved his frilly shirt....

B.Diddy is gone. We have talked twice this morning. Once about whether or not I got the message that his stupid meeting didn't start until 11 so he actually could have driven down this morning and just stayed away one night.

Not many of you actually know us, but we are a bit on the disgusting side. Ask Pia! I slept so poorly and not until almost 3am. Of course, I did have loads of room for me and the boys.


But I miss him like crazy. And now I have to take Hobbes to the vet cuz of course he cut his foot just as dad was leaving town. If anyone gives us 'the look' cuz he's a pit, I'm going to bite them myself. Yeah, me and the bad mood are headed to the vet.

All's well

Just a quick update. The doc said everything is great. I just strained my ligaments on either side of my uterus. Nice, huh? So that's what the shooting pains are all about. I guess I'm supposed to take it easy.....

Speaking of taking it easy...next weekend we're headed to the staff reunion of the Rusty Nail in Stowe. My husband is coming with me. There will be lots of babies and it will be great to see people that I haven't seen for a long time. Bobby (the owner) finally sold it so we're having the get together. I'll post pictures next weekend.

B.Diddy is heading out to Philly for a couple of days. I am going to HATEHATEHATE sleeping without him so I am sad today. Work is such a pain in the ass. We would have so much more time together if he didn't have to go here and there and the office all day. Ugh.

Now that my uterus is falling out, mother's place is coming along. We have such a messy relationship and that makes me sad, too. Today is just a sad day. Boo hoo.

Off to class.

We went to my mother's place in RI yesterday to help with the finishing unpacking touches. ONLY TO FIND... that she hasn't unpacked a thing since the movers left April 2nd. There were a couple little trails through the boxes and every room is stuffed to the gills with the spoils of her latest war. We got a LOT done for her. Loads put away, stuff thrown out, furniture arranged-I was exhausted.

Then last night in the middle of the night I woke up with the worse pains in my tummy. I attributed to pains of a gaseous nature, owing to my fried oyster and lobster roll lunch, but then they became rhythmic. I was so tired I kept falling back to sleep in between them, then I would get 2 taught cords from just inside my hipbone up to my ribs. This happened about 4 or 5 times. I was trying to look at my watch so see if they were regular, but only the numbers light up on my tricky Storm watch, not the hands. WTF??!!!

SO...I'm just trying to figure out something to do for the next 27 minutes until there is someone at my doc's office. I'm going to make them listen to the heartbeat, even though I have an appointment on Wednesday. Hey, he handles advanced maternal age patients for a reason. He must be good with "all nerved up", right?!

:: NEWS FLASH ::

From now on Bear will no longer be nicknamed 'Bear.'

He prefers to be called, 'B.Diddy' so please update all correspondence accordingly.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

And Now For Arts And Crafts....

Here is what I did at 3 AM the other morning. I woke Bear up, after waiting until 5.

me: Wanna see my green apple?

him: No.

me: Ok, cover your eyes! I'm turning on the light....

So now he supervises

I guess instead of getting up in the middle of the night to look at my homework, he's taken up the role of supervisor.


bear: Don't overwork it, honey

me: Never heard that before.

b: Seriously, you have to leave some highlights. Do a wash of color and then come back to it. And watch the balance.


My very own metro-sexual. Yippee.

I completely didn't realize.....

I'm officially in my third trimester. Holy crap. We haven't taken a Lamaze class. The nursery is STILL an office. I spend all day doing errands and writing papers instead of listening to classical music and reading to my belly. I'm sunk.

Right this very minute:

*The baby may have started dreaming now.

*The bronchial tracts develop. The lungs will not be fully mature until after birth.

*From this month onwards, the use of the placenta gradually decreases. Also, the amount of amniotic fluid reduces as the baby grows.

*Baby can put the thumb in the mouth.

*He/she can cry.

*The bones have begun to harden.

*The skin gains more vernix to protect from the acidity of the amniotic fluid and to help maintain a regular temperature.

*Growth slows and becomes more regular.



Behold, I am wroughting a miracle. Ok, freaking out so I have to outside for a while.....

Need I say more?



I had a zillion things to do yesterday. I am 7 papers light for one class, I have to paint a picture of a fruit bowl and a picture of a bouquet of flowers by Saturday, the vacuum needs to go for a check-up, I need to mail my sister's birthday present, my parents want me to send belly pics, I have to write a speech, I must try on caps and gowns, my college needs my phonetic paperwork, I need to make invitation lists for 2 CT showers, 2 VT showers and my graduation and I had a class A 4 quadrant headache yesterday BUT...... I spent 2 hours watching Dawson's Creek and gluing rhinestones to my phone. Thanks to Trudy who sent me a packet with all the necessary tools. She rocks :)

So that takes care of bling2 phone from yesterday. And impossible tasks, too. Aside from the reorg of my closet and office. THAT is truly impossible.

I'll clear up one more and then I really MUST go do some errands before I get fired as a housewife.

"A+ Excellent Work"

Now, I'm not complaining but.... I haven't written the synopses due for Humanities because I missed a lot of classes and I can't seem to get a feel for my prof. He said to take my time turning in the papers, which I obviously have.... So I wanted to see what his feedback was on my midterm before writing all these papers. I say things in class and he looks at me like I have a duck on my head. I absolutely can NOT get a read from this guy. Back in the day I would have run him to ground for smooches but that is so not an option. Instead, I agonize. Was my reference to Hobbes too arcane? When I told him the Declaration of Independence wasn't written for women OR minorities, did he really flinch? Usually my comments are met with, "Um, okaaaay..." and that's it.

So imagine my friggin' surprise when I got my midterm back. Four questions, eight pages of answers, not a single solitary comment. Just "A+ Excellent Work" on the last page. Who am I to complain? Guess I'd better get busy with those synopses....

TONS to talk about

but no time as usual.

So, remind me later of:

impossible tasks
registering for baby stuff
my bling2 cell phone
catching a bear shitting in the woods
squirrel patrol
my A+ in humanities
national honor society
2 cars in 3 months

So, about the last. I'm thankful Christopher and Katie are ok. More than thankful. Rabidly relieved. And a little sketched. I love those kids. More later.

times flies

My mother has moved to a town a bit over an hour away. She's behaving badly but we're both trying to get along better. Promises to be interesting.

Just returned from Easter dinner with the in-laws. Fabulous, as always. I've been blessed.

This morning we were invited to an Easter Egg hunt at my friend's house. We were psyched to see our NYC friends so we went, even though we didn't have the required child for entrance...

What a zoo. They sent the kids into the downstairs basement while the Dad tossed eggs around the yard. The kids were frenzied because there was nothing downstairs so one little bugger started the rumor that the Easter Bunny had missed the house. Then they came upstairs and saw the eggs on the lawn....the had to wait while everyone got their shoes on and then the all crowded the front door and were like maniacs snatching eggs. One older kid got virtually all of them. His parents didn't call him off the chase and some of the littler kids got nada. It was a mess. Kids, jacked on sugar, crying and fighting. Something to look forward to.

We have started the three floor shuffle to prepare for the muffin. Our office is going to be the nursery so my closet, which is actually another bedroom, is being halved to accomodate my desk, as well. So far it looks good, but I don't have everything put away yet :) Bear is relocating to the basement TV room. We have plenty of room, we just expanded to fill the space and now we have to reconfigure....

I'm starting to get big. I will be posting pictures sooooooon. For now, I am going to snug my husband :) I don't know what's gotten into us lately but we are in a total honeymoon phase. I'm just loving him even more than usual, which is a LOT!

so much to say, no time at all!

This weekend sucked worse than anticipated. I'll relay all when I have an hour and can get my head around it. Let it suffice to say that I always knew T was an elegant, class-act, beautiful inside and out. Now I'm also impressed as hell with her iron will and nerves of steel. Go girl.

My mother is cutting a wide swath through New England. She is abusing retail staff in 5 states as her spending frenzy continues. I just saw her house and as far as I can tell every stick that was in my parent's shared home is now in hers. My dad must have been able to move with a Honda Civic. Sheesh. More on that later, too.

Loads to do. Still up to my eyeballs in school work. Cleaning like a loon cuz I can't stand it another minute. The house is looking good and I"m ready to watercolor and write papers tonight.

On the baby front....
Kicking all the time. I always smile when I feel it. Every time. I think this whole kid thing is going to be great. We're working on the upstairs bedroom/office reshuffle. I found a desk that makes an L that will be perfect in my new space. Now I have to go get it!

Starting to get a big belly. I rub it all the time like Buddha. I have this shifty side twist with a forearm block that I use to keep strange hands off it. I used to have giant boobies and at least people got drunk before they reached in. The belly is a free for all. Hate that.

Ugh

I'm off to Vermont. One of my best friends since high school, T, called yesterday and her mother simply died the day before. The circumstances are a bit bizarre right now and I'll update later. So I'm going to help. She is one of those special and pure souls that is wrapped up in angel. She is drop dead gorgeous and twenty times as nice. Her aunts are being harpies so I'm taking my round little body up to Vermont to open up a can, if you know what I mean.

Maybe Bear will post for me while I'm away. He's not so thrilled I'm going but is very understanding. He's great like that.

I have a really tough post that I cannot get to right now. Saw my nephew, finally, and realized my brother is perpetuating our evil childhood of neglect. I'll detail when my eye stops twitching.

On a happy note, my bro is here for a couple of days. I was working on my color wheels this morning and Mark and Bear were sitting around critiquing. Much more fun than it sounds....

another mystery solved...

We have been kind of wondering how on earth I ended up knocked up in October being that we hardly saw one another and I was in Jamaica and then Vermont and blahblahblah. Well, paging through some old stuff I found a haiku I wrote for him in between Jamaica/Boston/Stowe. I was missing him when I landed so instead of heading north, I can home. And--voila!!

what a vacation!
fun and sun and r and r
but i did miss home

fat folks on the plane
overtook my extra seat
so i could not nap

i was excited
flying in over boston
just a few more hours...

i phone him first thing
i'm supposed to head up north
he says i should go

'i want to see you
i missed you so much, my sweet
didn't you miss me?'

i am a bit sad
i was gone-and forgotten
so i tell him this

'wellllll,' he says slowly
'you know the stuff on my list?
the stuff that you need?

the time really flew
i thought i could get stuff done
sadly, i did not

i WILL do it ALL!
i will start in the morning
the list will be done!

the molding downstairs
even your messy closet
and the garage door

paint will really fly
the trashman will be busy
with all of my piles

i will clean the rugs
straighten up the kitchen shelves
even wash the dogs!

kelly is coming
i have yet to make her bed
she will need clean sheets!

that needs to be done
i know how to make a bed
at least, i think so

so-go to vermont
i'm not ready for you here
i got a late start'

so i say to him
'i know you forgot the list
it's ok with me

i'll do the guest room
the rest of the stuff can wait
plus, i miss the dogs'

i can hear him smile
'so what are you waiting for?
get your tan ass home!'

100 grams of protein a day...

So, that's what I'm supposed to get. Yesterday, 72. Today-98. I'm so stuffed I could be hanging on the wall in someone's den. It is the 4 glasses of milk that is really gagging me. Off to bed for more nightmares! Ta-ta!

holy cannoli

So this morning we were just laying in bed watching my stomach lurch around. I'm amazed. It's amazing. Bloop, to one side, bloop to the other. That kid must have friends over this morning. Wowza.

My sculpture class promises to be fantastic! Last night we drew a picture and then made a wire sculpture out of it. There is the full gamut of talent in this class so it is interesting to see what people are producing. I made a palm tree with giant leaves and spirally coconuts. I'll finish it on wednesday and see if I can get a decent pic of it and I'll post it. Try not to be dazzled.

Now I have to hit the books for I have a midterm due tomorrow on 8 weeks of reading that I kind of blew off. Don't worry, I'm a graduate of Evelyn Woods........

fat and happy

Had a checkup this morning. I always try to wear interesting panties. Today I wore my boyshorts that have "Pow!" and "Zam" and "Clonk" all over them. I have gained 4 pounds so the doc is happy. She said, "Don't worry, it'll start to pile on now."

Yippee.

At my next appointment I get to do sugar testing. Fast, have blood taken, then ingest some poisonous sugar cocktail, then sit around for an hour and let the lightly trained ghouls at QuestLabs take another vial of blood. Sounds great, huh? Oh the indignities.... I was thinking of offering to eat a box of GirlScout cookies really fast instead of the sugar cocktail. I'll let you know how it goes.

I also went to our favorite Italian deli and got loads of sliced meat for Bear's carb-free torture. He's doing well and he's always happiest when embroiled in some compulsive behaviour. So I cook meat. I got some ground buffalo at the grocery. Wonder if I can find a decent recipe for it somewhere?!

Pretty boring day. My website is down so I despair of paying for my ebay wins because I can't get email. I'm sure it'll be fixed soon. One of the techs called me from Old Navy about 2 minutes after I opened my case. Quick, they are, at wshost.net. Unsolicited plug.

Kind of having one of those content days that makes you let the old lady with fewer things in her basket go first in line, make you love the dogs even more, make you let your sister sleep even though it's nearly noon. The kind of day that makes you happy to occupy this planet. The kind of day that makes crabby people scowl at your light. *sigh*

To clear a few things up...

1. My prof called me as soon as he got my email. He basically said if a student is ballsy enough to question their grade, he's open enough to negotiate. I'm not telling anyone about this development!! So, I have to rewrite my theology based on Sallie McFague's LIFE ABUNDANT and he'll reconsider my grade. Probably an A-, which is okay with me!!

2. When Bear and my sister went to see my brother last night, a funny little thing happened. Mark, my bro, introduced V as his sister and Bear as his brother in law. They all got a funny look because Bear is 36 and V is 19 so my brother says, 'Oh, ah, he's married to my other sister!' Kind of amusing, non?

3. So....I was visiting Mark at a bar (the usual meeting place if you want to see him and you have to listen to his jam band although they usually will play a silly Prince riff if I'm there....) in Vermont and I was backstage with the guys and the whole scene. Some guy walks up to my brother and my bro makes the face that I recognize as 'I don't really dig this dude' but I have no idea who he is. He looks familiar so I think he's a bartender at the club. Mark says, "This is Rob, Rob, my sister." and I say "Hi, nice to see you. If you're headed to the bar could you grab me a couple of Heinekens?"

For some reason this puts my brother into hysterics. The guy, Rob, snorts at me and turns his back and walks away and starts talking to someone else.

me: What's so damned funny?

mark: (still bent over laughing) That was perfect! I love you!

me: Whaaaa? I don't get it?

mark: Do you know who he is?

me: He looks familiar. Isn't he a bartender here or something?

mark: (still LHAO) That's Rob Fishman! The base player from Phish! hahahahahaha

me: Oh, yeah, I thought he looked familiar. I just thought it was from here.

Yeah, a little clueless but kind of cute. That's me.


THAT reminds me..... of when I was a waitress in Florida. I'm well read, politically knowledgeable, understand modern dance....I just am a disco biscuit. Love top 40. The musical taste of a thirteen year old. Can't help it, can't deny it. Sorry if that disappoints you.

Where was I? Oh yes. I was working lunch at Harpoon Louies in Jupiter with my 80's kinda big curly hair with the white streak in the front, and there were 2 guys seated in my section. Long hair, leather Hard Rock Cafe jackets-back when they were exclusive- one from Stockholm and the other from somewhere else in Europe. So blahblahblah and they were done with lunch and putting on their jackets. I asked if they were band guys or something. One says to me, "You don't recognize us, do you?" and I answer, "If you're not a backup dancer for Madonna, I probably wouldn't know you." This cracked them up to no end. And they tipped me a crisp $100 for lunch. Still have no idea who they were......

I am officially a more relaxed person

...as evidenced by my reaction, or lack thereof, to my final grades for last semester.

Humanities/ The Warrior Ethic :: A
Social and Political Philosophy :: A
The Creative Mind :: A
A Question of God in the Modern World :: B+

My chance at summa cum laude is officially shot. I sent the prof an email asking if there has been some sort of mistake (ya, I got balls) so we'll see what he says.

But the remarkable thing is--I don't really care. Magna cum stay at home mom is okay, too. I'm really undergoing a huge change in my level of excitability. Last year a B+ would have put me into a foul mood, with much banging around and cursing involved. I opened my grades and went, "Anh" or however you write the sound for so what. We'll see.

I spent the day in Jersey providing emergency child care for good friends of mine. A long drive but a labor of love that I was pleased I could provide. I did get to sample 'Elmo' fruit snacks. I'll be going out tomorrow to buy a case. Those things fucking rule! And 100% of my vitamin C for the day! Or 400%, when you consider I ate 4 bags ;)

Bear and my little sister V are visiting my brother at a nightclub. V is 20 years younger than I.....there is a lot to tell but not today. She is wonderful and Bear really feels like she's his little sister, too. I love how loving he is.

I can't believe no one was curious about the Phish story. Oh well, it wasn't THAT great anyway....

night night

C'mon, let me kick a little game with you...

She's gone. She kind of tried to be on good behaviour but that is so open to interpretation...

There are a few rules that are carved in stone.

*Don't ridicule my husband.
She's one of those people who shows affection by making you feel like a failure who might smell badly, too.

*I'm not interested in input regarding how I raise my dogs.
Yeah, so, she had the nerve to say Jack is fat and Hobbes seems gay. Her dog vibrated like an overdue crack head and jumped and your face to bite your nose AND tried to attack my gentle and mild mannered pitbull....

*No racial slurs of any sort.
And here's where things fell apart. A friend stayed over on his way to appear for 30 seconds on Good Morning America. We were having a nice dinner and my mother started to tell a story about when he most recent ex-husband was sailing in the Clipper Cup International. She used the word, "boat-n*gger" and I quickly and loudly said, "NO!" and she just kept going. I got up, went in the kitchen where I thought my head would explode. Bear helped our guest downstairs and I said to her....

me: You need to apologize without any qualifiers.

mother: You don't understand that....

me: No qualifiers. You know I forbid that word in my home. These 4 walls are MINE and you will apologize.

mother: If you knew the root of the word...

me: Wealthy white yacht owners have adopted the most universally understood defamation of a human to amuse themselves on their boats, torturing their staff. Lovely. Apologize.

mother: Fine, I apologize but you just don't understand...

me: You suck. I'm going to bed.

And I left the kitchen. And took a klonopin. And cried.

I live my life railing against racism and sexism and discrimination and this is my mother. *sigh*

Bear was a rockstar this whole week which does not mean he got wasted and forgot to come home, although I would have completely understood. He was supportive of me at every turn and I am so glad he's my husband and I'm his wife. Who knew marriage could be so damned lovely?

How about the Phish story, instead?!

my mother's on the way

She called at 9 am to tell me she would be on the road in half an hour. Then she called at 1:00 to tell me that after coming out of the post office, her car was covered in blood and her rotten dog had cut his foot. She was completely hysterical and all out of breath. This after 3.5 hours allegedly spent at the vet.....

So now she's right around one hour late. Her cell phone is on, rings 5 times and the message comes on. She's not answering. I have to go to the store but I'm certain she'll show up while I'm there.

This promises to be a visit just like all the others.

Say a prayer, wouldya?

toe pick

and now the little nugget appears to be standing straight up, on point, on my colon. hmmmm.

procrastination....
But really I'm just making noise to see if Bear will get up and make me breakfast.

I woke up this morning to excessive swallowing. Enough to wake me up. I thought Bear was choking to death or something. I turned my head and was looking Hobbes right in the face. He had all his feet on my back and was all stretched out in between us like another person. I'm starting to feel like a pioneer with 4 bodies in the bed. We really have to get those dogs off the bed...

So I got up to work on my personal theology. After throwing the class into a crisis of faith, mine had better be good! BUT...instead of working on it I've been reading blogs and laughing. I'm also listening to Super Hits of the 70's on net radio. The Partridge Family was just crooning 'I Think I Love You' and it reminded me of a funny story....

David Cassidy is such a dork
My friend and I had decided to crash the New Years party of the local radio station. We got all trolloped up and just walked in. Open bar, celebs and pseudo celebs, much fun.

So we're standing at the bar and up walks a man with incredibly orange face makeup on. Heavy makeup. And eyeliner. None other than David Cassidy.

He does that thing where a guy backs up to the bar and puts his elbow on it between you and your friend. I hate that. Still kinda looking around he leans in to me and says

dc: I really hate all these autograph seekers.

me: Well, you're safe here! (my good audience girlfriend snorts and blows a bit of her cocktail on the bar.)

me: (now on a roll...) Hey, how'd you get here? The big bus? Is Danny with you? Did you really sleep with your TV mom?

Danielle and I were in hysterics and he just walked away. What a dork.

and now it's 'Sweet Home Alabama'....
GREAT story about a surviving member of Lynyrd Skynyrd back in the day but my husband does check in here once in a while.....

Better get to work on that theology ;)

yet another reason my OB can hang...

Every appointment I bring an index card with all the questions I've thought of since the last appointment. There's always a doozer or two.

me: Ok, I feed the dogs the BARF diet. Raw chicken necks, raw ground meat, pulsed veggies and yogurt. What about salmonella et al?

doc: Just wash your hands after prep. I'm not so concerned it about it.

Don't you just love that guy? Although I am NOT eating:
blue cheese
goat cheese
cold cuts
hot dogs
large fish
chicken or beef with hormones
sushi

and a number of other things I love, I'm trying not to get all wound up in hysteria. I plan to go to the beach this summer, I don't plan to change the dogs' diet, and I am coloring my hair so.....I'm just trying to stay a little relaxed through this process and it's working ok.

It really helps that the little nugget has taken to doing softshoe in my belly about one hundred times a day. Taptaptap, sliiiiiide, taptaptap. Makes me smile every time.

I'll bet his bail was an arm and a leg.

Sorry. I couldn't resist.

life is good

I'm sitting here working on papers, shopping on ebay, having a carrot stick w/ranch dressing snack and I'm just happy. There is snow falling outside, I only have my 8pm class tonight and Bear is on the way home for prurient conjugal reasons.

And, I'm going to be somebody's mom.

Life is good.

Almost finished with my take home parts of my finals. Yeesh. I feel tired and smart.

I'm watching my in-law's cat, Max, while they're in Florida. He's not eating and he's kind of old. I love him sooo much, for a cat.....

I finished my art project. It rocks. Can someone remind me how to post pics? I'm kinda dumb like that. Boy, wait til I'm done with school. My blog is going to be rotten with pictures, links... heck! I might even move it to the domain name I've owned for years!

I'm eating well but still not gaining weight. Why couldn't this have happened in my 20's??!!

what a day

Bear let Hobbes out to pee and there was a possum right outside the door. Hobbes didn't make much noise, just grabbed it and shook it a couple of times. Bear yelled, "No! Out!" and Hobbes dropped it right away. "Here!" and the dog ran right inside. He was a little freaked out and we went out to look at the possum. For a while there it looked like it was okay. It blinked, got up, yawned, shook itself, and then dragged its legs behind it. So sad. Can't quite get that image out of my mind. *sigh*

The emergency vet (where of course we go) said to call the cops and they'd dispose of it and have it tested. The cop came and shot it in our yard. Our dickhead of a dog abusing, fat kid raising neighbor of ours came out to see what was going on. I would have yelled at him if I was out there. I despise that guy. Long story.....

So now I can't get the image of that wounded animal out of my brain. Hobbes is down the hall, hanging off the corner of the bed so he can see me and waiting for me to come snug him. He's a great dog but that instinct is such a weird thing to witness.

I'm a little emotional these days, too.

Ok, a LOT emotional. Wanna make something of it????

more inspiration from comments....

I love reading the comments on other people's blogs. It's often how I find cool new blogs to suck up the extra time I don't have.....

So. Today's question.....

What is the best compliment you've gotten? My man gives 'em all the time but there was one, once upon a time, in a bar far far away....that is still talked about with my friends.

We were walking into a club and there was a wall of guys. Just chillin'. Lookin'. Whatever. One of them steps off the wall and says to me, "Oooo girlllllll. You make a brother want to get a job with benefitssssss."

My friend Bill almost wet his pants. I didn't REALLY understand it but I think it was good?!

So what's your story?!

Yeah, so, the sleeping thing is not working out so well for me. I'm up to study. I just ran off a bunch of stuff for political philosophy (Mills, Pateman, Wolff) and after it was all done printing out Bear reminded me to use 'draft' option to save ink. Oopsie.

Oh, I have something really bad to tell him. Hopefully he'll read it here and then I won't have to break the news myself.

My mother is coming.When, you virtual-pals in blogland want to know? Well, Wednesday night for just one night. Then she'll be looking around Rhode Island to find her new home. Uh oh. Kinda close. I see a move in our future.

He's going to be a little peeved because when she asked if she could stay here I said no but ended up saying okay for just one night. He's really going to want to murder my not because he can't get along with her, but because she's very slyly horrifyingly bad to me. It drives him crazy. Little does he know I fibbed and told her I have class that night so I'll be gone from 5 til 10:30!!!!

The thumbnail sketch and then I really have to study. She was a terrible mother. Her husbands always came miles ahead of me and my brother. Neglect is a nice term. She made him feel invisible. She ruined New England for her latest husband and he has recently left screaming for Florida so seeing him will be difficult from now on. She is a history revisionist so she'll go on and on about what a great mother I'll be when in reality she told me I would be a horrible mother for soooo many years that I actually needed therapy to exorcise some of her programming. She was certain I'd kill my dog. My dogs are so much better cared for than hers. She's a narcissist, too. If I wasn't so high profile in our town, she probably would have ignored me, too. Nothing can be mine alone. Hard to explain but let me try.....

crazy, aisle one...
I had a breast reduction about 8 or 9 years ago. I now have the world's most perfect boobies (you can ask my husband when he's talking to me again after next Wednesday.....). I was in the tub at my house when my friend Suzi came over to see how I was doing. It was my first bath at home and my mother had come over to 'help' but was banished to laundry. So, Suzi and I were talking and mom came in. Suzi had a look at the scars and things and out of the blue my mother says, "This is what they looked like BEFORE surgery!" and whips her shirt open and flops out her breasts that look nothing like mine. Then about 6 months later she got the same surgery. She would show people in the grocery store! I kept hearing all these horrible stories that other people thought were funny but made me feel so sad and embarrassed.

And the kicker? She recently offered to take my infant child for a week at a time so I could go back to work. She can't seem to hear that I'm NOT going back to work, but that's another story.....

mommie dearest: I can pick up the baby on Monday and then bring the baby back on Friday so you can work.

me: Ah, again, I'm going to be staying home with the babe. I have no plans to send my child away midweek and I'm going to breast feed so that's not even an option.

md: You can't breast feed. (verrrry snotty tone of voice.)

me: Why on earth not?

md: Because of your surgery.

me: I recall Dr. Boobman telling me it was highly unlikely it would impact my ability to breast feed in the future although I told him I had no intention of having children.

md: WHelll, he told me I couldn't breast feed.

me: IS THAT BECAUSE YOU WERE FIFTY WHEN YOU HAD THE OPERATION??? I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE YOU HAD THAT CONVERSATION WITH HIM. HOW FRIGGING CREEPY!

Yeah, so, I ended up putting in a call to the Doc's office and he's on vacation so it took over 2 weeks to get an answer. Of course the answer is I should have no problems. Of course she made me doubt the fact that I knew that already. Of course I'm a fucking moron for letting her over the threshold of my home for even one 24 hour span. Hoo boy.

my husband is a funny guy

just now, from the bedroom:

bear: Know what?

me: What?

bear: Naming a baby is fucking hard.

We can't agree on a single name. Not one. This should be interesting.....


bear's secret blog

I know he has one. I just don't know the address. Guessing will take too long and his snoring cancels out his talking in his sleep.

this semester is almost over

I've been sick as a dog but working hard. I am .04 points away from summa cum laude and I really do want it. The only thing that may harm me is attendence. I should have gone to a huge school where I could just be a number that does well on tests!

The good news is I'm pretty sure I've satisfied every requirement for gen.ed AND my major so I am thinking of taking ceramics and sculpture this semester to finish up. Easy classes-go figure!

So, I have printed out my take-home exam from Social and Political Philosophy ( I love you Professor Bennett, you cool-ass, beret wearing, fascinating man) so I'm off to bed to annoy my husband with brainstorming.

Ta.

CORNCAKES?
I was just reading the comments in IA's blog and was reminded of a corn pancake story....

The whole crew was in Arizona for the wedding of good friends about 8 years ago. The east coast contingent rented rooms next to each other, shared some of the rooms, hooked up, line danced and spent a week drinking pool water as we lay about hung over every day for a week. But here's the story...

We headed out for breakfast on day one. We were up stupid early so me, San, Mikey and Brucey headed off for parts unknown. San and I were buck wild party girls and Mikey and Brucey are Long Island boieyyyzzz and were like something straight out of Goodfellows. We found a little restaurant and tried not to attract too much attention. Right.

The waitress looked just like one of the Von Trapps, all blond, braided, scrubbed and fresh looking. She wasn't ready for us. As she approached the table with her good morning song at the ready, Mikey barks at her- "Yo, sweetheart. Four cwoffeez." It took 2 more times for her to understand 'coffee' as spoken by a New Yorker. She scurries off to find a translator and we look over the menu.

Mikey: What fuck are 'corncakes'?? (he says this loudly enough to turn every head in the place that wasn't already craned to check us out.)

Me: Mikey, shh- the waitress is right behind you!

Mikey: Right. Sweetheat-what the fuck are 'corncakes'?

You probably had to be there but it was the best week ever. To be young, carefree and still wild as hell. *sigh* Now Mikey's married with a child, Brucey married the mother of his child and has another, San is the mother of 3 boys, the married couple has the most adorable girl and even I am married happily with a baby on the way.

If someone had told us this years ago, during that week of floating around, dancing and drinking, we would never have believed it. I still don't :)

What a week

My brother called when he was feeling better. He's supposed to come up this weekend and we'll go to the doc together on Monday. We will also be having 'the big talk' while he's here. I have to be fair to me for a while. Tough stuff. Thanks for the good words...

I am in the homestretch with my classes. I'll be all done by next Wednesday so I'm doing finals and writing papers and glueing shit to refridgerator doors...long story but I'll post a pic and explanation next week.

Yesterday the tech at my doc's office let the sex of our baby kind of slip. I thought Bear would be furious but he wanted me to call back and get confirmation from the amnio. We know. He made me promise not to tell. Knowing has made a difference already. We both feel more connected to the little person inside me. It is not what we had planned but I guess that goes along with the whole theme of this pregnancy!

I have a new pasttime. I can sit and feel the baby moving around inside me! Isn't that the best?! Yesterday BB flipped over and that was a little uncomfortable--but very cool. I never thought I'd have children so the whole experience is kind of 'clean' for me, all free of expectations and all. Nice feeling. I know we'll be great parents. Here comes a child into a home full of love, manageable insanity, openness and joy. We have so many great friends, too. I am very excited today.

...

I am still wrestling with what to say to my brother. We both hate guilt so. Can't love be enough?

I've been putting this off...

My brother is my favorite person on earth so that gives him the super power to break my heart over and over and over and I never learn to stop loving him....

He got hit in the head with a fire extinguisher when he was in the Coast Guard. It put him in a coma and when he woke up he was the proud new owner of trauma induced epilepsy. It doesn't work out so well with his hypoglycemia and the meds make him feel pretty crappy.

In the dusk of the 80's he was really self destructive; doing illegal substances, eating poorly and just about killing himself every other month. My friend told me a story once of how they were all riding the white horse and he seized and was so stiff he was straight across the arms of a sofa for the entire 30 minutes it took for an ambulance to get to his place in Boston. I spent a chunk of time in therapy to insure I wouldn't have a complete breakdown if/when he ended up dead.

He has never really gotten around to taking excellent care of himself, but I thought he was getting better.

Not so.

He called on Thursday to tell me that he'd ordered Dilantin and it should be coming Friday. (Long story-he isn't real stable-he lives in a house where the deal seems a little shaky-he doesn't go 'home' for weeks sometimes...so we just have all his important stuff sent here.) Anyway, when he called I asked how many days he had left. He assured me he had enough to get through the weekend. I ask because I have a friend who's a pharmacist who could have given me enough to get him through.

He lied. Turns out he had enough through Friday.

So Monday morning I'm doing someone's hair and his friend from across the hall calls me.

pal: I think he's having a seizure. I thought his place was getting broken into there was so much noise. He is sitting up but there is some blood and he doesn't know who I am.

me: Call 911.

pal: He won't let me.

I knew this already. He is really combative when he comes out of a seizure and hard to deal with but he has a deep seated fear of ambulances because he's hypoglycemic, which presents like a diabetic coma but the first shot of glucagon will kill him. Even out of it, he is scared shit of ambulances.

So I have to listen while his friend cajoles him into his shoes to go to the hospital. I whip through the rest of the haircut and head to Providence.

I got stopped doing an even 100 miles an hour by a Rhode Island State Trooper. I was sobbing so hard he yelled at me to get myself under control. I had the directions in my lap so he knew I wasn't bullshitting....and he let me go. I kept it under 80 after that.

When I got there he was furious I had been called. He was so awful to his friend that his friend just left. He shoved me when I tried to tell the nurse about his seizure groups. He made me cry about 10 times that day--he was so awful to me. I know he can't help it but wow, it cuts deep.

So, he's okay now. He has an appointment at the VA here on Monday. It's 50/50 whether or not he'll show up. I'm at a loss. He won't let me help him with the stupidest things and I know I can't be doing this pregnant. I am high risk and I know from the way I have felt for the last 2 days that this kind of excitement can't be good for me. I have a headache that won't quit and all I can think about is him. I can hardly eat which is not very good for me at this juncture.

*sigh*

I find myself furious with my mother. She did such a shitty job raising us and he has never really recovered from the abuse and neglect. He's dealt with things in a much different manner than I have and his techniques aren't really working for him. There is just plain no talking to him about it. My heart is broken again.

I cannot turn away from him but I cannot continue like this. I feel more stuck and helpless about him than I ever have. I won't be ok if he dies. The last time he had a seizure at my place we took him to Yale. The neurologist there said that he doesn't get to do this a lot more. He said at some point he just won't wake up. He'll be in a vegetative state. I don't want to have to water my brother.

I feel so sad.