::somebody's dad ::





Crazy thing is...I knew exactly what he was doing when I saw the second shot!! Nut...

OH MY GOSH!**



While I was sitting here reading blogs my right breast leaked a drop of milk! I have extra!!!! I have enough that my body doesn't feel the need to hoard! I told you that gush/firehose thing would work out...

And yes, I am naked.

**in an attempt to offset the high content of swear words in my everyday banter, I've decided not to say 'God' anymore. Of course, motherfucker, cocksucker, asswipe, dickhead, et al will continue to color my days and nights....**
...it's been one month since you looked at me...

and then they whipped you out of the room....

Today, the story of Rio and Nita's big day. It might be long, it might bore you, but there might be a boobie picture at the end.

I can't believe you just went straight to the end......

:)

At 12:34 in the early morning of July 2nd I got up to go to the bathroom for the 47th time that day. Pregnancy doesn't leave much room for discussion or extra fluids. I smiled at the clock because I like 1234 o'clock. Not so much 2:34, or even 4:56, although 3:33 makes me smile, too. ???

I tinkled and at the end of that exercise - an extra 'whoosh' from not the peepee place. 'Uh oh' was my only thought.

I got back into bed having read that A. only 15% of women have their water break before pregnancy and B. if you're standing up when the unlikely event happens the head of the baby will stop the flow of liquid. Upon lying down, I realized this was true. Fluid started to pulse out of me at a disconcerting rate.

me: Motherfucker.
bear: Yes dear?

So I called the doc's office, as I'd been prepped. He called right back. Don't go to the hospital until your contractions are 5 minutes apart, he said. They won't feed you, you cannot drink and you become one of those women walking the halls.

bear: Oo, ask him something for me.
me: Ok, doc. Thanks. Hold on a second...
bear: Ask him if I should go back to sleep.
me: He says you're a fucking moron and sleep won't help that.

Pretty quickly they started being regular. There is a ton of silliness with Bear but I'll have to hit the high points.

me: Did you time that one?
bear: Time it? No! You really need to tell me when they start.
me: ??? Ok, dickhead, when I gasp and pant and look like someone has kicked me in the box - IT HAS STARTED.
bear: Ok, fiiiine.

I had to get up and pack my bag because I hadn't done so already. That kind of sucked because you have to know who is not a great big help when it comes to packing....



*hey, if he's going to take 47 stupid pictures of himself making idiotic faces, I feel compelled to publish at least one*

We headed for the hospital and already the contractions were coming harder and faster. Bear dropped me at the emergency door and the nice giant man took me right to the check in while Bear parked. I was pacing back and forth, giving information and having contractions now just shy of 4 minutes apart. Bear rushed in and collapsed in the wheelchair that had been provided for my comfort.

Upstairs. Contractions are getting pretty intense. Bear calls Mare. Mare is my best friend who was slated to be in the birthing room (?!) with us. Mostly in case Bear fainted. Also, if I needed anything and he was on one of his little mental vacations... So, Mare and Mighty live in Vermont but that night they happened to be in NYC, having dinner after Mighty had a gig. They headed right for the hospital. Of course, they had to bribe the garage guy to get their car out, but that's another story altogether...

A nice nurse tries 3 times to start an IV. She says she never ever doesn't get a vein after the 2nd try. After her unprecedented unsuccessful, yet painful, third try she went to get an old school nurse who had me all IV'ed up in 30 seconds AND gpt blood from the other arm. She rocked. And she was a little scary. We discussed pain options. I say I already had plenty. She silently recommended an epidural. It was 3am, contractions were 3 minutes apart and I was 6 centimeters dilated already.

Bring on the man with the needle, I scream.

He was tied up in surgery. When he got there my contractions were 2 minutes apart and I wondered how/why in the hell women do this with no meds. I'm relatively tough. I played field hockey and rugby. I have broken bones. I have been tough through pain. This sets a new record for 'holyfuckingshitthishurtslikehell'.

Dr Happygas arrives. He is hot. Really hot. Africa hot. He looked me in the eye and said:

This is going to hurt. Quite a lot. I will be inserting a needle into your spine. I can't do it between contractions so you're going to have to hold still through them. It is very important that you do.not.move.

Fabulous. So I'm draped over Nurse Cannotfindavein. I held absolutely still while he shoved a needle into my spinal cord while I had 2 contractions. Marion and Mighty had arrived from NYC. She is a DJ who is on after Howard Stern. She said I sounded like Taylor Rain, who is a loud porn star to whom Blogger won't let me post a link!! That is not why Rio's middle name is Taylor, although it's a little funny....So, Dr Happygas got the epidural in and tild me it wouldn't be long until I felt some relief. I am in ungodly agony so this is good news.

dh: How tall are you?
me: I'm lying down, right? I'm 5'9".
bear: Hon, he's trying to calculate your dosage. Quit lying.

The magic juice kicked in and I am happy once again. I offered to kiss DH for his obvious genius and the great need for him on the planet, but he politely tells me it was nothing. I laid around and waited to dilate.

At 11:30 my fabulous doctor came in to check on me. He's been in surgery and he seemed a little tense.

me: Hi doc. How are you? Well rested? You can lay down with me if you need a break before we get rolling here.
doc: No, I'm fine. Just got out of surgery.
me: How was it?
doc: Weird.
me: Weird? Weird? What's weird?
doc: Ovarian cyst but with hair and teeth. *shakes head* Weird.

Yeah, so....I'll skip a bunch of parts here in the interest of brevity....

Push, push, push. Three groups of 3. Rio's vitals were all over the place but that didn't seem to worry anyone. Yet. When her head started to appear he told me he's going to put a monitor on it. Fine with me, I gasp.

Here's where it gets all kinds of funky. The monitor goes on and the room just changes somehow. Another not so hot anesthesiologist comes and and starts asking me questions about smoking, drinking and false teeth. WTF? The nurses shoo him a bit and I ask them if he's got a friggin' quota or something. Then I look to the right and there are 2 nurses from NICU and the NICU doctor with a special table. I know something's up but no one is talking.

nurse on left leg: Push, you're doing great.
me: No I'm not. Something's wrong. I can't push.
nurse on right leg: You're doing great. One more big one
me: *crying now* You're lying. What's happening? I'm not pushiiiiinnnnngggggg......

Doc pops a vacuum on her head, orders me to push and on the 4th set of 3 pushes, she is out.

I wait to hear her cry. Nothing. I look at her little body. Blue and still. Then, the littlest peep from my nugget. They show her to me and whip the special table out of the room. I order Bear to stay with the baby. Certain things you don't want to lose.

***

Something was up. After the monitor was placed on her head it became apparent that she was in real distress. When I looked around at all the extra people and then looked back at my 'team', they had splash shields on and not so relaxed faces. They got her out quickly, and naturally. There was blood absolutely everywhere. All the machines were covered, as was the floor, my bed and the trail of the wheels from the cart that had just spirited my infant away from me.

I can't wait to get the whole story from my doctor.

Rio was whisked away and Bear took her picture in the NICU so I could see what she looked like.



"Here's your baby," he said.
I cried.

stay tuned for scenes from NeoNatal Intensive Care....right now I'm just going to go watch her breath....
~sometimes Blogger makes me crazy AND an informal poll~

I had to delete 17 copies of the next post. Individually. Evidently, Blogger found it so fascinating it felt compelled to publish it over and over and over...

JenB made a terribly witty comment that is lost forever.....

And now for the poll:

Do you follow the links in a post? Lemme know cuz I certainly don't want to bog you down with minutiae....
I've made a decision

I'm not going to pump anymore. I'm going to wait for the milk to come spraying out of me like a firehose. I'll let you know how it goes....
:: the gift that keeps on giving ::

bear to uncle cracker: Yeah, so, you know Nita's unconventional, right? She didn't want jewelry or a fur coat as a traditional 'wife just had a baby' present. She wants a trainer to come to the house. So, I just hired a ripped black man to come and hang out with my wife in our basement twice a week......

My man rocks! I am meeting Marvin tomorrow. I'll see if he lets me take a picture...

:: on the boobie front ::

Still not working that well. My nipples hurt from their tender tips right back to my shoulder blades. I'm trying to hard to make this work but I'm definitely getting discouraged. Ugh.

If I could figure out how to load a movie onto here I'd film the milking process just for shits and giggles. You would not believe this machine and what it does to my body. Well, jenandtonic.ca would, but she's evidently some sort of saint!

Over and out.
that's why they're funbags, not functional bags....

I am so frustrated that I'm not even pissy about it anymore. I am taking the drug AND the herbal supplement to make milk spring forth from my breasts. I am pumping with alarming frequency, to the point where my nipples are sore all the way back to my shoulder blades. I am gathering these breast milk droplets like a shipwrecked sailor gathers fresh water from jungle foliage. All this and my child prefers a bottle.

Luckily, she is perfect and lovely and evidently she would be awake EVEN MORE OFTEN if solely breastfed. And now, it's off to bed until 6 when Bear will be getting up to get ready for work. One of the guys told him that work would suddenly become very relaxing. He knows what he's talking about. I do love staying home with her, though. A whole new world that is different and amazing every day. All that and she doesn't really have cognitive powers yet! The best is yet to come.

I gotta get some rest. More photos tomorrow....
*sigh*

I got really good sleep last night after 'Librarian BJ', enough said. I slept for more than 6 hours. I've eaten as much as a Marine for the last few days - if that means a lot and tons of protein - and downed enough water to affect precipitation levels worldwide.

And then I pumped less than 1/4 ounce of breast milk.

I start the big gun meds today. We'll see how this works out. I am demoralized and ever so slightly missing my old gigantic-crazyhuge-outofproportion breasts.

*sigh*
Borrowed from Mare

Last but not least
# Last Cigarette .. I quit with Bear about 4 years ago?!
# Last Alcoholic Drink .. Newcastle last night
# Last Good Cry ..holding Rio and listening to Bono's Kite knowing it was to a parent about the parent child relationship...
# Last Bad Cry .. 2 days ago because of mom
# Last Library Book .. Water Witches, overdue, still owe them 20 cents
# Last book bought .. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child (what is happening to me?!)
# Last Book Read .. Artemisia
# Last Movie Seen in Theatres .. pretty sure it was a silent moving picture...
# Last Movie Rented .. Stuck on You. Hilarious!
# Last Cuss Word Uttered .. cocksucker
# Last Beverage Drank .. water
# Last Food Consumed .. spicy scallop roll
# Last Crush .. Joshua Jackson of Dawson's Creek insanity
# Last Phone Call .. Breastfeeding Consultants
# Last TV Show Watched .. Last Comic Standing
# Last Time Showered .. uh, 2 days ago?
# Last Shoes Worn .. Nike Shox - good for dog kickin'
# Last CD Played .. U2 All That You Can't Leave Behind
# Last Item Bought .. awesome platform shoes
# Last Download .. don't download
# Last Annoyance .. getting attacked by the dog this morning
# Last Disappointment .. breast feeding/pumping
# Last Soda Drank .. Coke
# Last Thing Written .. thank you notes
# Last Key Used .. '.' ..
# Last Words Spoken .. is she sleeping?
# Last Sleep .. sleep? explain..
# Last Ice Cream Eaten .. Wentworth's Mint Chocolate Chip
# Last Chair Sat .. my special corduroy chair for pumping
# Last Webpage Visited .. Google for 'kite' lyrics


Rio's 3 week check-up went famously. She's gaining weight and growing and having lots of alert time so I think she's learning new things. She recognizes my voice and Bear's voice and gets a little plumper every day. She's filling in her skin so she is looking more like a baby and less like a plucked chicken ;)

I really like being her mom.
2 Blowjob Stories and a Dogfight

Yeah, so I just tried to italicize one friggin' word about a hundred words into my post and !bam!, I'm back at the mofo beginning. Rrrrrrrrrr.

I have tentative permission for one BJ story from Bear even though I have no idea who reads this thing. We're basically a big embarrassment to anyone who knows us, anyway. The other BJ story involves Banana, my best friend since forever, but I know she's only an occasional reader so I'm not bothering to get her permission! Consistency pays, sister.

Some 11 years ago Alex was heading to his mother's house the Tuesday after Thanksgiving for leftovers when he was involved in a silly little relatively low speed accident that ended his life. I was not okay with this for about ten years, but that is another story. I still feel his absence and think of him all the time. So.... Banana and I were laying around watching television and the subject of Alex came up. It was about 2 years after his death and his girlfriend was still having a really tough time with it, we all were. He was one of the good guys.

Banana and I got to talking about loss and love and partnerships and vulnerabilities, you know, serious heart stuff.

Banana: Neat, if I died, would you marry J? (Her husband, J, is the best guy who wouldn't marry me at gunpoint but he does find me mildly amusing which is my saving grace in his eyes because he basically thinks I'm insane and not the best influence on his wife and child....)

me: (head on hand, after deep thought) No, I wouldn't marry him but I would blow him a lot the first year to help him get over things.

She popped me in the mouth.


Blowjob story number 2 also involves Banana.

Banana: So how are you feeling, yada yada yada.

me: Ok, I've started walking 3 miles a day and I'm meeting with a trainer tomorrow so I can start getting back in shape.

Banana: How's your vagina feel?

me: The box? Ok, I actually feel pretty good. The whole 6 weeks with no sex thing seems excessive to me...

Banana: How is *Bear* doing with no sex for this long?

me: I try to blow him as often as possible.

Banana: You're a good wife.

me: Yeah, I guess I am....



And Now For The Dogfight

We live in deep suburbia. We have nicknames for all the people (who avoid us) on our street. The Motherfuckers (we were walking the dogs one night and dad was draggin his errant teenaged boy into the house screaming 'motherfucker' at him), The Creepleys (next door to us, the dog torturers, I'll see if I can find the trackback..), KOL or Killer Old Lady (according to our neighbors she has killed 3 husbands and keeps putting additions on) and The Perfects.

The Perfects have 2 scrubbed looking children, an immaculate lawn with landscaping, big and shiny SUVssss, those wooden playsets that go for about 10 large and their Christmas addition of a yellow lab who, I now know, is named "Charlie".

Charlie has an electric fence. Charlie is outside all the time by himself with nothing to do but bark and growl at passersby. A couple of weeks ago Charlie busted his fence to attack Hobbes and Bear on their early morning walk. The Perfects were chasing him down the street later that day so Bear wouldn't let me tell them about the attack. His thinking was, 'they are chasing him down the road, they must know he gets loose'. If only it were that simple...

So, this morning I load Rio into the Baby Bjorn and put Hobbes' nice bone collar on him for a walk. We barely get out of the driveway when I see Charlie stick his head around the side of the glossy-inside-and-out-garage and !whoomp! he starts running at us. I see him get a sizzle as he crossed the new line. He jumps, twists a little and keeps right on coming.

I'm a dog LOVER extraordinaire. My dogs are my kids and I love them huge. But here comes this fat fuck of a lab straight for the three of us. I start to yell "NO!" at the top of my lungs. He keeps coming. He darts in for a bite at Hobbes. I keep yelling "NO!" and kick at him. He darts in again and I boot him in the side, all the while spinning around, one hand on the Bjorn, the other holding Hobbes' leash and keeping myself between Hobbes and Charlie. I have to kick Charlie close to half a dozen times, screaming all the while. The neighbors from next door and across the street come out to help. Finally Cnarlie runs off up the street toward the busy road.

Mrs Perfect runs out and jumps in her car. Evidently Charlie prefers a car ride to attacking people so they get him in the car. She wants to apologize. I am furious and I have to put Hobbes in the house first.

Our conversation is as you'd expect but I don't call her fat ass motherfucking moron. Not even once!

mp: He's not aggressive, really.

me: Well, I'm thrilled he doesn't attack your family members but I have to disagree. This is the second time he's attacked Hobbes.

mp: Really? Well, you should have told us. We're the kind of people who would listen to that sort of thing.

me: I wanted to but my husband thought the fact that you had to chase your dog all over the neighborhood would have provided enough evidence that THE FENCE DOESN'T WORK!

mp: We've engaged a trainer and we're moving the fence and testing higher voltages.

me: Look, a decent trainer will tell you those fences suck. Especially for certain dogs and obviously for yours.

mp: Honestly, if you'd just said something.

me: I'm saying it now. I'm not going to call the police and make a vicious dog complaint. Not yet. But you need to physically restrain your dog. I will not be attacked again.

mp: I'm Mrs Perfect Fuckwad (extends her hand) and Mrs VeryImportantLocalPolitician says hello.

me: ...?

I see Mrs VeryImportantLocalPolitician with regularity. She came to my graduation party and has made the short list to come and hold Rio in her first days home. I don't need her to be named dropped in a blatant effort to avoid police involvement. I was literally speechless.

me: Uh, yeah, well, I'm going inside now. Good luck with your fence improvements. We're going to start carrying pepper spray so make friends with your vet for the after hours calls.



~Now, my dogs are a little crazy. They might bite given the chance, who knows? I don't, for certain. THATS WHY we spent a fucking fortune on a cocksucking fence. What a concept.
My body is a wonderland...

...as in, I wonder what the hell is going to happen next.

The lactation appointment was a superlative experience of support. The woman remarked on my great instincts with Rio, my ability to calm her, and how my common sense approach should benefit us both. Bravo. The whole BFAR (breast feeding after reduction) issue could have its own blog so I don't wish to labor the point. Let it suffice to say I have a plan and I'm hooked up to a milking machine for a good chunk of the day.

::last night::

me: Honey, could you help me with pumping one breast while Rio is crashed out here?

bear: Um, ok, I guess it could be sexy.

Always thinking, that man of mine.

My mom face must be a little bit scary

As I was pulling into the parking lot of the breastfeeding support place, I had a little incident. First of all, I was all keyed up because Mapquest gave me the most shitass directions on earth so I was driving around in circles just trying to find the place and be only mildly late. It suggested the wrong way down a one way street. Always fucking handy.

I get into the parking lot and some woman in a giant Ford Expedition comes whipping backwards out of one spot so she can get her fat ass closer to the building by parking one row closer. I frantically try to get the car into reverse, succeed in finding Park, and lay on my horn. She stopped approximately 3 centimeters (if that is a small amount of distance) from the front of my car. Then she reparked and sat in her car. I glowered at her and parked under the shade of some trees. I kept looking at her sitting in her car while I was getting Rio out of her fucking-a-impossible-to-negotiate carseat. Still she sits. I was waiting to shout something about just cuz she drives a tank doesn't mean she can drive over people. Well, evidently my ire was sparking off my head because she locked her doors and sat in her car like she was afraid to get out. Good instinct. Idiot.

Bear asked what I would have done if she'd hit me. "Beat her up" was my response. "Nice" was his....
WTF?

Yeah, I'm still up. Actually, I don't sleep at all anymore and I'm pretty sure I'm bitchy....

Here is a picture of Jack, Hobbes right behind him, trying to get to Rio so he can lick her mouth. That child will have the immune system of the century.




is it just me....

Or is this child sooooooo delicious? Ok, I have to go bathe her. No pee this time, just going to see doctors tomorrow and I don't need any judgemental sniffs just cuz she's covered in milk and formula. Maybe I'm not the messy feeder, you ever think of that?

Yeah, I could use some shut-eye....

*sigh*

Tomorrow morning I'm going to see a lactation consultant. I had a breast reduction about 9 years ago. It was far and away the best thing I have ever done. I feel great and, at 39, have no real use for bras unless they add a decorative element.

I was big. Big like you read about. Big as in when I went to a club people thought I was a stripper. Big as in when I lived in Florida a man approached me to be in a David Lee Roth video. Big as in women stared and made catty comments. Big.

(final consultation with my plastic surgeon who is accompanied, with my permission, by Doogie Houser, boy doctor in training.)

doc: Here is where we make the incision. I will try to preserve as much of the gland work so you will be able to breast feed, if you choose.

me: Hell, doc, I don't really care if you lose a nipple in the OR and only put one back on. Make. These. A. LOT. Smaller.

doc: Har har har. (Begins to share info with Doogie.) This is the blah blah and we'll be doing blah blah. (He has one of my breasts in his hand and is gesturing with a pointer thing while the youngster makes a serious face and sagely nods his head.)

me: (tiring of invisibility) Ah, wouldn't you guys be more comfortable doing this in the back of a car somewhere?

The poor boy turned purple and I was just happy to be in the company of qualified medical help if he should go down. After that - zero eye contact and he maintained his blush. I knew his type. All clean cut and preppy and when he gets loaded on Heineken at the frat house his type walks up to girls like me and offers to 'buy the boys a drink.' Yeah, take that.
Really quickly...

cuz the nugget is asleep on my chest :)

big bath. i did a great job, if you ask me........ plus she no longer smells like pee..... anyone know how often you're supposed to bathe a baby, cuz my mother is insisting she bathed us twice a day? well, i'm good and dirty now :)



and i'm not sure if she likes her 'symphony in motion'...... the bugs are a little strange but it was highly recommended.

I wish I had more friends in France

Because it would be okay to call them right now, being 9 am and all that :)

We did it. Well, at least tonight we did. For Rio's 1:30 feeding I 'put her to breast' as I always do. But tonight - magic. She was on one side for 30 whole productive lip smacking swallowing minutes and 10 on the other. Still took 40ml of formula (sad mom face here) but it was huge progress. Is it possible that she's only just a week old today?! She's so fricken brilliant already.

Ok, looks like I can get 2 hours sleep if I'm quick about it.

Hard to explain all the issues this breast feeding has brought up. Let it suffice to say I'm incredibly ecstatic and had to tell SOMEONE!!!
BUSTING OUT



Typing with the wee one asleep in my lap so this'll be quick.

She was 19 days early. Little immature, some probs with O2 saturation levels so .... they kept her in NICU. Wonderful nurses. I was there pretty much 24/7, feeding, changing, holding her. Had to make the call to suppliment with formula. She's simply too young too nurse and with my breast reduction...well, we're working it all out. I'm pumping and feeding and bottling and not sleeping at all. AND I don't much care. I'm on fire. I feel like I could go like this for years.....but I did get a good sleep the other night which helps.

wait...this just in....



Bear likes it when she lies like this. Says she looks like she's operating an old fashioned radio...whaddaya think?!

So, we're all great. I'm tired, have actually yelled at my husband, then had a meltdown, now we're both feeling better. Lots to learn. The time in NICU was actually great cuz I got to know the nurses and docs and I got LOADS of insight and advice. I can't explain how it feels, my heart has blown open and I love this one week old bundle of joy like crazy. Bear and I have new-found appreciation for one another, too. Lots to be thankful for, and I am.

but feel free to hate me now....

Uh, yeah. So my peasant stock (halfish straight up wasp, halfish mexican) really rose to the occasion. Despite my 'advanced maternal age' my pregnancy was a snap. Sick for 5 months but not too...gained 20 pounds and have lost 18!!! And no stretch marks. And I pushed for *one hour* and then had the bundle of joy.

Scary story about the actual birth but that will have to wait. Almost time for the chitlin to be awakened for her 8 am snicky-snack.

Wowza.
IT'S A GIRL!!!!!!!!
Rio was born at 1:31 PM on Friday, July 2nd. We're all really tired but really, really happy...

More pics on the way - stay tuned!



Nita and Rio Posted by Hello
uh, yeah....

The baby's room isn't quite finished. I haven't packed everything that goes in my bag. My roots could use doing. The house is kind of a wreck and at 12:34 my water broke.

me: Motherfucker!
bear: Yes??????

So, you may not hear from us for a bit but I should have good news then....
Single White Female

Bond Girl has inspired me to post about something completely non pregnancy related. Evil Roommates.

I had to have had the WORST run of luck with roommates ever. Here are a few high/low lights....

Leslie
I was living in Providence and she and I worked in the same bar. She needed a place on the fly (duh! warning! warning! don't forget to ask why she's getting booted from her best friend's place!) so I let her move into my very cool 2 bedroom place. Right from the start I noticed she drank a LOT more than I realized and did a LOT more drugs that I knew the names of and had a LOT more legal problems than anyone else and slept with a LOT more strangers than seemed prudent....you get the picture. Well, the coup de grace came at about 3 am one night when I'm lying in bed with my giant (and chickenshit) body builder boyfriend and we hear Leslie coming up the stairs. Loud. Drunk. And with a man in tow. Clear as a bell I hear her say:

"I don't have any blow but my roomie usually has some laying around."

WHAT?

So I throw on a shirt, chickenshit boyfriend refusing to get up, and go out into the kitchen where Leslie is bent over in front of the refridgerator and a COP IN UNIFORM IS BENT OVER BEHIND HER. I am incredulous! So the conversation goes like this:

me: What the fuck is going on here?

(Leslie keeps her head in the fridge, all wrapped up in the task of trying to get a beer out of the six pack holder.)

cop: Uh, I was just making sure she got home alright.

me: Reaaaalllly Officer Friendly. Well, I can't help but notice that you have allowed my obviously drunken roommate here to pilot her unregistered car home, drunk, and I'm fairly certain her license is STILL suspended, yes? Where exactly did you two meet up, ( I peer at his badge number and name plate) Officer Dumbass?

cop: Yeah, I was just leaving.

me: That's what I thought, shithead.

That was the last straw. The next day when she went to work I had the locks changed and brought a bag of clothing and toiletries down to the club for her and booted her ass. Here's where it gets interesting....

Things I never wanted to know about Leslie that I learned whilst searching for her work clothes.

Her room was always pretty neat. I opened the walk-in closet and it was literally to the ceiling piled with clothes, porn and sex toys. Packed like a crazy person had packed it. THEN I found out where all the knives in the house had gone, they were in her drawers and under her bed. One of said drawers was chock full of men's underwear. All different sorts, apparently all worn. What a head case.

Years later I was in Palm Beach lunching with my grandparents and she was waitressing at the place.

She did a double take and headed for our table.

L: Hiiiiii!

me: I'll have a coke, thank you.

L: Don't you recognize me?

me: Who could forget? You're not our server, are you?

L: It's so great to see you! You look greaaaaaat! What are you up to?

me: Having lunch. Gram, would you like iced tea?

After she finally left the table I told my grandparents we were leaving after the drink. She's that fucking bananas.

Her replacement, Tricia.

I figured Tricia would be a safe bet seeing that she was dating the brother of my big dumb BF. Wrongo! She was a drunk slut as well. Yippee.

For some reason my friends all think I'm some sort of medical genius because I'm ever so slightly on THE SAFE SIDE... so she comes into my bedroom in the middle of the night. I'm up, by the way, because she is screaming at the top of her lungs. Really belting it out. Ridiculous, really. I'm no prude, but she sounded like she was being murdered. Anyway, she comes into my room:

T: Are you awake?

me: Are you fucking kidding me?!

T: Robert (who we work with!!!) just stuck it up my ass by mistake.

me: (after a long pause) And what, you want me to say something to him?!

T: No, but you could you just check it out to make sure I'm ok down there?

me: Ah, no.


Another of her habits was multiple partners that evidently had more appeal if they were complete strangers. So.....my mother is visiting. I am on the couch and mom is in my room. Tricia, who I begged for a 2 night reprieve, brings home 2 giant strangers, as unlikely as this may seem, one black and one red headed dude. Let the games begin. Three voices can be heard. Loudly.

I'm laying on the couch in those weird hysterical giggles waiting for my mother to be awakened. Sure enough, she comes out of my bedroom with her suitcase and informs me we're going to a hotel. Funny stuff.

Jamie

Name changed to protect those who can be googled.....

She was a well known ski racer. We were all at my place and she was crying about what an asshole her BF was and how she had to get out. All of the sudden everyone looks at me with the 'you've got a 2 bedroom place, how about here?' look and I know I'm sunk again. This time I am smart. This time I set boundaries. No rent and she had to be out in 6 weeks. Fair, right?

Ok, she wore my clothes. She never took a message, not once. She was a pig. She flooded the toilet by flushing fucking PADS. Who the hell is that stupid? She was a complete nightmare. Her coup de grace? I had to get out of town for a few days before I killed her. I got a phone call about the fabulous party she had the minute I left the house. When I got back 3 days later she was sitting at the kitchen table in what had previously been a gorgeous place to live. It was trashed like high-schoolers had been there. Turns out, they had. She was sitting there smoking a cigarette and flicking the ashes into my great-grandmother's mother fucking sugar bowl!!!! and she said:

J: Hey! How was your weekend?

me: J, if you don't get your ass and your shit out of here in 3 hours I will throw you out the window and burn your belongings.

J: Cool.

There are at least 10 other people this bad but I have to cook dinner for Bear. Chicken Parmigiana ;) I love my home.

Um, I'm feeling a little better....

But thanks for the good words :)

Early morning business trips after further funk (sorry BS)

Bear had to get up at 4:30 to leave for a day trip so of course we were up til 10 or so wearing out the sheets. After we were done I started cracking up. "We really are freaks, you know" I said. "I suspected as much," was his reply. Anyway.... He really should just go the night before and get away from his wife like everyone else does, but he'd rather sleep with us. Yea! Additionally, it was no problem to get him up and on the road on time SEEING THAT I'VE BEEN UP SINCE 2 AM. Another banner day for expectancy. I did manage to:
-pack him a snack bag for the trip
-repackage the pasta salad I made last night
-clean my salondry* room
-iron 5 shirts
-do 2 loads of laundry
-watch an EXCELLENT X-Files and I caught the highly recommended 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force' cartoon. Truly bizarre but I suspect I'm hooked. Oh bother, as Pooh would say....

So at least I was productive wandering about the house AND I did get a little nap after Bear departed this morning. Jack woke me up doing the cutest little yip barks in his sleep. He would be so embarrassed!

Remind me to brag about my god-daughter later

She is a pillar of strength with an extraordinaryly low give-a-shit-level and when I grow up, I want to be just like her. More to follow....